


Lost

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-04 19:02:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 40
Words: 107,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14026704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: Late In The Day sequel.  Held captive by the Saviors as a punishment for Daryl’s escape, the reader is devastated when they inform her that the community of Alexandria has been razed to the ground, the population wiped out.  Desperate to save the girl he loves from the cells of the Sanctuary, Daryl Dixon lashes out at those around him when he hears that she’s been killed in the midst of the battle.Even in defeat, Negan’s men are able to play havoc with the minds of their enemies, but will the extent of their manipulation ever be revealed?  And with the trauma of the war crippling them both, will Daryl and the reader ever find each other as they respectively fight to rebuild a life that has been turned upside down?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! The sequel to Late In The Day! I hope you all enjoy it, though there is gonna be some major angst going on so I’m sorry in advance. The first maybe five chapters will be semi-canon, and then after that it’ll be pretty much just my imagination running wild. Feedback always appreciated, of course, so do get in touch. Happy reading!

Light filtered in through the bullet holes that littered the back of the van, cutting through the darkness, as the muffled voices from outside seemed to draw closer.  You were curled up in Daryl’s arms, holding your wadded shirt against the wound in his shoulder, trying to stem the bleeding, though the blood had soaked through the fabric and was dribbling down your hand.  His skin was waxen, his eyes wide with fear, as he strained to hear what was going on on the other side of the doors.  He had a tight hold of your waist, his nails biting in to you, but the pain was a welcome distraction from your current situation so you made no move to stop him.  Michonne’s eyes were closed, her head tipped back against the side of the van as though she were sleeping, but you could feel the anger coming off of her in waves and knew she was still conscious, biding her time until the moment came to make a move.  With Daryl hurt, she was your best fighter, and she’d be feeling the burden of that responsibility if you knew her at all.  Opposite you, Glenn drummed his fingers lightly against the metal floor, a nervous habit, and you could see his mouth moving, a silent promise that he’d return to his pregnant wife.  Beside him, Rosita’s expression was vacant, a blank mask, but her hands were balled into fists, her knuckles white as she struggled to keep control of her emotions.

A raised voice called for Dwight, and you felt Daryl’s body tense beneath you at the mention of the man he hated so vehemently, the man who’d killed Denise; and then the sound of footsteps, coming closer, and blinding light as the doors were wrenched open and the glare of headlamps from several vehicles flooded in.  Rough hands gripped your arms, tearing you from Daryl’s embrace and dragging you out onto the rock-strewn floor, shoving you roughly into place and forcing you into a kneeling position.  In horror, your eyes found Rick’s, and you were shocked to see so many of your family, all lined up on their knees, trembling with terror.  Maggie was beside him, barely able to hold herself upright, and you felt ice shoot through your veins as you took in her deathly appearance, murmuring her name, though your voice was drowned out by Glenn’s desperate shout as he tried to go to her, held down by the men that stood over him, weapons raised.  

Abraham, Sasha, Aaron, Carl, Eugene.  You counted them off in your head as your eyes flicked down the line, shaking your head in disbelief.  This couldn’t be happening.  

‘We’ve got a full boat!’ the man standing before you announced, grinning in twisted pleasure as he surveyed your group.  His eyes flashed viciously as he backed towards the RV parked up behind him, his thick moustache twitching as he held in a chuckle of satisfaction.  'Let’s meet the man!’  

He knocked twice on the door of the caravan, moving over to the side, as you held your breath, waiting to see what monster would appear.

The door swung open, and a tall, lean figure appeared, stepping casually out into the clearing, with a smug grin painting his features.  'Pissin’ our pants yet?’

As he moved into the light, you could see his perfectly slicked-back hair, the snappy red scarf that tucked into the neck of his leather jacket.  The atmosphere in the crowd of men surrounding you had shifted as soon as this man had appeared, the sense of fear tangible in the air, and you felt yourself growing cold as his eyes flicked over you.  'Boy, do I have a feeling we’re getting close.’

He had a baseball bat resting on his shoulder, and as the light of the headlights glinted off of it, you realised it was wrapped in barbed wire, a growing nausea rising in your stomach.  'Yeah, it’s gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon.’

You tried to comprehend his words, what he was actually saying, but it was all just nonsense, self-indulgent, as if he just enjoyed hearing himself talk.  You hated him.  You didn’t even know this man, but as you watched your family cower before him, you hated him.

‘Which one of you pricks is the leader?’  Finally, an actual question that was relevant and not just mindless scare-mongering.  

‘It’s this one,’ the man who’d summoned 'the man’ out of the camper spoke up, picking Rick out of the line-up.  'He’s the guy.’

The baseball-wielding boss strolled over to Rick, sighing heavily, before making his introductions.  'Hi, you’re Rick, right?  I’m Negan, and I do not appreciate you killing my men.’

You squeezed your eyes shut as your mind flashed back to the attack on the satellite outpost.  You’d thought Negan had been killed in the attack, you all had.  But it had been too easy.  Their numbers were greater than you had ever imagined, even just here in this clearing, and you knew instinctively that you weren’t all leaving the place alive.

'Also, when I sent my people to kill your people for killing my people, you killed more of my people.’  That had been the battle on the railroad tracks, when Denise had been killed.  God, had it all just been leading up to this?  Daryl’s hand sought out yours, giving it a squeeze that you knew was intended to be comforting but in fact just felt like goodbye.  'Not cool.  Not cool!  You have no idea how not cool that shit is, but I think you’re gonna be up to speed shortly.’

You watched as Negan stared Rick down, your leader trembling beneath him, as sweat dripped from his dark curls.  

'Yeah, you are so gonna regret crossing me in a few minutes.’  A maniacal grin spread across his face, as though he were enjoying this little show that he was putting on for you all.  'Yes, you are.  You see, Rick, whatever you do, no matter what, you don’t mess with the new world order.  The new world order is this, and it’s really very simple, so even if you’re stupid, which you very may well be, you can understand it.  You ready?  Here goes!  Pay attention.’

He swung the bat down from his shoulder, pointing it in Rick’s face, the metal spikes millimetres from his skin.  'Give me your shit, or I will kill you.  Today was career day.  We invested a lot so you would know who I am, and what I can do.’

He wandered along the line, staring down at the petrified faces, turning back to Rick as he instructed, 'You work for me now.  You have shit, you give it to me.  That’s your job.  Now, I know that is a mighty big, nasty pill to swallow, but swallow it you most certainly will.’

He moved back to stand in front of Rick again, his face sincere as he continued in his monologue.  'You ruled the roost.  You built something.  You thought you were safe.  I get it, but the word is out.  You are not safe, not even close.  In fact, you are pegged, more pegged if you don’t do what I want, and what I want is half your shit, and if that’s too much, you can make, find, or steal more, and it’ll even out sooner or later.’

He stepped back into the center of the semi-circle you formed, spreading his arms wide, peacocking in a show of easy authority.  'This is your way of life now.  The more you fight back, the harder it will be.  So, if someone knocks on your door, you let us in.  We own that door.  You try to stop us and we will knock it down.’  
Your mind was reeling at his orders, wondering how it would be possible to survive under those conditions.  It was getting hard enough coming up with enough supplies to feed Alexandria’s population, without having to give half of what you managed to scrounge up to these clowns.  You waited for someone to argue, to fight back, but the group remained silent.  What else could you do?  You were unarmed, outnumbered, and at least two of you were seriously injured or sick, going on Daryl’s shaky breathing beside you, and Maggie’s rapidly deteriorating state.  You couldn’t win this.

'You understand?’ Negan was asking Rick, leaning over him and cupping a hand to his ear.  'What, no answer? You don’t really think that you were gonna get through this without being punished, now, did you? I don’t want to kill you people, just want to make that clear from the get-go.  I want you to work for me.  You can’t do that if you’re dead, now, can you?  I’m not growing a garden.’

Your heart skipped a beat as you watched him pacing back and forth, his voice increasing in volume and force.  You shuffled closer to Daryl, needing to feel him at your side, though you knew there was nothing he could do.  He was growing paler by the second.  

'But you killed my people,’ Negan continued.  'A whole damn lot of them, more than I’m comfortable with, and for that… for that you’re gonna pay.  So, now I’m gonna beat the holy hell outta one of you.’

You couldn’t help the whimper that escaped you, and Daryl let go of your hand to wrap his good arm around your waist, though you didn’t miss the look Negan gave you as he noticed the small display of affection.  

He spun his bat like a twirling baton, speaking to Rick once more.  'This… This is Lucille, and she is awesome.  All this, all this is just so we can pick out which one of you gets the honor.’  He was moving along the line, swinging his weapon in front of your faces, enjoying the flinches and gasps his movements elicited.  

You closed your eyes, tuning him out and focusing on keeping your breathing even, fighting off the iron band that had started to tighten across your chest.  It had been a long time since you’d last suffered a panic attack, but you could feel the anxiety starting to suffocate you, and passing out now could be fatal.  Daryl squeezed you against him, and you nodded to let him know that you were okay, turning your face into his shoulder and inhaling his familiar scent of cigarettes and motor oil and something musky that was just purely him.  How many nights had you fallen asleep surrounded by the smell of him?  You’d grown apart since settling in Alexandria, your relationship straining as you flourished within the fences and he floundered, frustrated by the day-to-day domesticity of the life in the community, and pained by their naivety and inexperience.  But you loved him, God, how you loved him, and in that moment you just hoped that he knew, that he still felt the same way deep down.

'No!  No!’  Glenn’s desperate shouts pulled your attention back to the group as he launched himself at Negan who was standing over Maggie.  He was brought down hard, the soft thuds of blows landing and his pained grunts making you grimace.

'Get him back in line,’ Negan ordered, and he was dragged back into position, still moaning, crying, begging for Maggie to be spared.  You felt your heart break, and a tear slid down your cheek as you dropped your gaze to the ground, hiding behind your curtain of hair.  

'All right, listen.  Don’t any of you do that again.  I will shut that shit down, no exceptions.  First one’s free.  It’s an emotional moment, I get it.’  The group remained silent, shaken by the violence that Glenn’s outburst had been shut down with, each individually wondering if they had the guts to do anything about it.  'Sucks, don’t it?  The moment you realize you don’t know shit.’

He turned his attention to Carl, pointing Lucille at him as he stepped in his direction.  'This is your kid, right?  This is definitely your kid.’

'Just stop this!’ Rick shouted, his voice coming out as a panicked snarl.  

'Hey!’ Negan snapped.  'Do not make me kill the little future serial killer.  Don’t make it easy on me.  I gotta pick somebody.  Everybody’s at the table waiting for me to order.’

He whistled to himself as he began to move along the line again, chuckling when he still came up stuck.  'I simply cannot decide.  I got an idea.’

You knew you would have nightmares about this moment for the rest of your life.

_'Eenie meenie miney mo, catch a tiger by his toe.’_

They would smell like the slick of sweat that coated Daryl’s skin and the coppery tang of his blood in the air.

_'If he hollers, let him go.’_

They would feel like the chill of the evening breeze over your skin and the pit of fear in your stomach that was growing upwards and outwards until it felt like it might swallow you whole.

_'My mother told me to pick the very best one, and you are it.’_

They would look like the murderous intent behind Negan’s eyes as he jabbed Lucille towards you, and the determined set of Abraham’s expression as he was selected, barely a flicker of emotion passing over his face as he waited for what was to come.

_'Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father and then we’ll start.  You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry.  Hell, you’re all gonna be doing that.’_

They would sound like the sickening squelches of wood and metal against brain and bone, of the screams of your family as one of your own fell, of Negan’s arrogant crowing as he landed blow after blow on Abraham’s skull until there was nothing left but a mess of gore on the ground.

You buried your face in Daryl’s shirt, uncaring of the blood that smeared across your skin, as you sobbed.  His hand rested on your back, rubbing soothing circles over your spine, but you could hear his heart pounding in his chest, and you knew that he was barely controlling his fury.  

Negan was laughing, inspecting Lucille and swinging her round, splattering blood across your faces.  'Oh, my goodness!  Look at this!  You guys, look at my dirty girl!’

Rosita’s cries drew his attention and he moved closer to her, holding the bat under her nose as he taunted her.  'Sweetheart, lay your eyes on this.’  He sighed heavily as she continued to sniffle.  'Oh, damn.  Were you… were you together?  That sucks.  But if you were, you should know there was a reason for all this.  Red - and hell, he was, is, and will ever be red - he just took one or six or seven for the team!  So, take a damn look.’

Getting no reaction, he moved on, thrusting Lucille into your face, yelling, 'Take a damn look!' 

Before you knew what was happening, Daryl had thrown himself at Negan, landing a punch square on his jaw before he was dragged to the ground by two of his men, as Rick shouted at him to stop.

'No!’ Negan had lost his cool, his temper spilling over momentarily before he reined it back in.  'Oh, no.  That? Oh, my!  That is a no-no.  The whole thing!  Not one bit of that shit flies here.’

Dwight had hurried over towards the scuffle on the ground as Daryl was pinned down, his crossbow raised and pointed at Daryl’s head.  You heard a howl of pain pierce the air and realised it was coming from you, as Dwight looked to his boss for instruction.  'Do you want me to do it?  Right here.’

Negan dropped into a crouch so he could fist Daryl’s hair, yanking his head back so he could grin smugly down at him, enjoying the pain and fear in his expression.  'No.  No, you don’t kill them, not until you try a little.’  

Daryl grunted as he struggled against his captors, three of them manhandling him back into place beside you.  He was breathing heavily, and you shot him a desperate look as one of the men moved to separate you, stopping you from sliding across towards him.  

'And anyway,’ Negan continued, as he levered himself back to standing.  'That’s not how it works.  Now, I already told you people, first one’s free, then, what’d I say?  I said I would shut that shit down!  No exceptions.  Now, I don’t know what kind of lying assholes you’ve been dealing with but I’m a man of my word.  First impressions are important.  I need you to know me.  So, back to it.’

You had barely taken a breath, when Negan’s bat came crashing down again, this time into Glenn’s skull, battering him into the ground.  Maggie’s strangled gasp was barely audible above the murderer’s strained grunts as he worked.  You thought it was over, but Glenn was pushing himself upright again, his groans inhuman and haunting.  His head was mangled, his eyeball bulbous and disturbing as it protruded from its socket.  

'Buddy, you still there?’  Negan seemed genuinely impressed.  'I just don’t know.  It seems like you’re trying to speak, but you just took a hell of a hit.  I just popped your skull so hard, your eyeball just popped out, and it is gross as shit!’

Glenn ignored him, intent on finding the words he needed to say.  'Maggie,’ he spluttered.  'I’ll find you.’

Negan’s forced sympathy was even worse than his malicious threats and showboating, and you wanted more than anything to reach for a gun and put a bullet through his brain, but you’d seen the consequences of Daryl’s actions and you knew you couldn’t risk it.  'Oh.  Oh, hell.  I can see this is hard on you guys.  I am sorry, I truly am, but I did say it.  No exceptions!’

He swung Lucille again, smacking Glenn hard across the face and sending him sprawling back to the ground.  You watched Daryl visibly flinch each time the bat came down, heard Maggie’s gasping cries fill your ears, and you prayed to God that this was going to be over soon.  How could any of you go on after this?

'You bunch of pussies,’ Negan rasped breathlessly as he continued to pound away at Glenn’s skull.  'I’m just getting started.  Lucille is thirsty!’

He giggled to himself, finally turning away from Glenn’s twitching corpse.  'She is a vampire bat.’

Beside you, you heard a stifled sob as Daryl fell to pieces, his eyes fixed on what was left of your comrade.  

'What?  Was the joke that bad?’  Negan continued to push, wanting a reaction, your misery not enough for him.  

'I’m gonna kill you,’ Rick growled through his tears, and Negan moved closer to hear him.  'What?  I didn’t quite catch that.  You’re gonna have to speak up.’

'Not today,’ Rick promised.  'Not tomorrow, but I’m gonna kill you.’  
Negan gasped dramatically.   'Jesus.  Simon, what did he have, a knife?’

'Uh, he had a hatchet.’

'A hatchet? He had an axe.’  He laughed at Rick’s choice of weapon, shaking his head.  'Simon’s my right-hand man.  Having one of those is important.  I mean, what do you have left without them? A whole lot of work.  Do you have one?  Maybe one of these fine people still breathing? Oh.  Or did I…’  He acted out the swinging of his bat.  'Sure.  Yeah.  Give me his axe.’

There was a collective intake of breath from your group as he grasped a hold of Rick’s jacket, towing him roughly behind him as he made his way to the RV, the hatchet tucked in to his belt.  'I’ll be right back.  Maybe Rick will be with me, and if not, well, we can just turn these people inside out, won’t we?  I mean the ones that are left.’

The two men disappeared into the caravan, and moments later the engine spluttered a few times, finally roaring into life after a short delay and juddering out of the clearing and off down the track.  The crowd of men around you immediately relaxed, breaking off into smaller groups and talking quietly amongst themselves, though several still kept their guns trained on you where you knelt on the cold, hard, ground.

You crawled over to Daryl, who was physically shaking, his face wet with tears as you cupped his cheeks in your hands and forced him to meet your eyes.  'Daryl… D, what are we gonna do?  What do we do now?’

'Glenn,’ was all he said, his voice a hoarse whisper as he shook his head in shock.  'I didn’t mean…  That wasn’t…’

'Shush,’ you hushed him, brushing the hair back from his face so you could press a soft kiss to his forehead.  'It wasn’t your fault.’

'But I-’

'It wasn’t your fault, Daryl.’  He seemed unable to say anything else, unable to offer any solutions, so you slumped to the side, letting him rest against you, your arms wrapped around him.  'I love you.  I just wanted to say it.  I know we’ve been going through something lately, and I know things have gotten hard, but… I still love you just as much as I ever did.  I can’t lose you.  God, please, I can’t lose you.’

Your words got through to him and he reached his arm round to cradle the back of your head, pulling your face into his neck, as he husked, 'I love ya too.  Always will, no matter what happens.’

Time ticked slowly by as you sat and waited.  Part of you was sure that Rick wouldn’t come back, that this was it - the world as you knew it, over.  However, another part of you reasoned that this was an exercise in asserting authority.  A leaderless group wouldn’t be able to provide what Negan wanted, so it was in his best interests to keep Rick alive.  A silence fell over all of you, broken only by another burst of hiccupping sobs as one of you broke down again.  You were a strong group, you’d come through so much together, but this felt different.  You weren’t sure if any one of you would ever truly recover.

When the RV finally returned, it was morning, and the clearing was lit by sunlight instead of the beams of the trucks.  The door swung open and Rick was shoved unceremoniously out to land in a heap in front of you, Negan reaching down to drag him closer, positioning him in the centre of the semi-circle so you all had a clear view.  The knot in your stomach tightened as you waited for what would come next.

'Here we are,’ he announced, his eyes focused on the man on the ground before him.  'Let me ask you something, Rick.  Do you even know what that little trip was about?’

Rick’s eyes met yours as he surveyed the group, checking that his people were okay, despite his sorry state.  

'Speak when you’re spoken to,’ Negan ordered him.

'Okay,’ Rick agreed, all of the fight having gone out of him.  'Okay.’

'That trip was about the way that you looked at me.  I wanted to change that.  I wanted you to understand.  But you’re still looking at me the same damn way, like I shit in your scrambled eggs, and that’s not gonna work.  So, do I give you another chance?’

'Yeah,’ Rick rasped.  'Yes.  Yes!’

'Okay.’  Negan patted him on the back, finally getting an answer he was happy with, though you could tell from the look on his face that this meant another game was about to commence.  'Alright, and here it is, the grand-prize game.  What you do next will decide whether your crap day becomes everyone’s last crap day or just another crap day.  Get some guns to the back of their heads.’

You gasped as you felt cool metal press against your skull through your hair, flinching away from it and finding yourself held in place by a strong hand on your shoulder.

'Good.  Now, level with their noses, so if you have to fire it’ll be a real mess.’  He turned to Carl, gesturing for him to come towards him.  'Kid, right here.’

When Carl hesitated, he issued the instruction again.  'Kid, now.’

You could hardly breathe as Carl climbed to his feet and made his way over to stand beside his father.  

'You a southpaw?’ Negan asked, unbuckling his belt as Carl came to a halt in front of him.

'Am I a what?’

'You a lefty?’

'No.’

'Good.’  Negan reached for Carl’s left arm, threading his belt around the top of it like a tourniquet and pulling it tight.  'That hurt?’

'No.’  You could tell by Carl’s clenched jaw that he was lying, but knew he wouldn’t let his guard down after everything he’d seen that night.

'Should.  It’s supposed to.  All right.  Get down on the ground, kid, next to Daddy.  Spread them wings.’  He took Carl’s hat, tossing it over his shoulder before forcing the boy to the floor, pressing him down until he was lying flat on his stomach.  'Simon you got a pen?’

Simon tossed him a Sharpie, which Negan uncapped with his teeth, crouching down to shove Carl’s sleeve up his arm.  'Sorry, kid.  This is gonna be as cold as a warlock’s ballsack, just like he was hanging his ballsack above you and dragging it right across the forearm.’

He drew a thick black line across the boy’s arm, just below the elbow.  'There you go.  Gives you a little leverage.’

You could hear Rick whispering to Negan, begging him to stop.  'Please.  Please don’t.’

'Me?’  Negan let out a low chuckle.  'I ain’t doing shit.  Rick, I want you to take your axe cut your son’s left arm off, right on that line.’

You let out a gasp of horror, but Negan was still talking.  'Now, I know, I know.  You’re gonna have to process that for a second.  That makes sense.  Still, though, I’m gonna need you to do it, or all these people are gonna die.  Then Carl dies, then the people back home die and then you, eventually.  I’m gonna keep you breathing for a few years, just so you can stew on it.’

Michonne spoke up from beside you, her voice thick with emotion.  'You… You don’t have to do this.  We understand.  We understand.’

'You understand,’ Negan boomed.  'Yeah.  I’m not sure that Rick does.  I’m gonna need a clean cut right there on that line. Now, I know this is a screwed-up thing to ask, but it’s gonna have to be like a salami slice - nothing messy, clean, 45 degrees - give us something to fold over.  We got a great doctor.  The kid’ll be fine.  Probably.’

You were crying again, big gulping messy tears that dripped down your chin and cooled on your neck, leaving you clammy and uncomfortable, as you watched Rick searching desperately for a way out of this.  

Negan lowered himself into a crouch again, resting his hand on Rick’s back as he encouraged him.  'Rick, this needs to happen now.  Chop, chop, or I will crush the little fella’s skull myself.’

'It can… It can… It can be me.’  Rick clutched on to anything that he thought might get him out of this situation, offering himself up in Carl’s place.  'It can be me.  Y-You can do it to me.  I-I can go with… with you.’  
'No.’  He was immediately shut down.  'This is the only way.  Rick, pick up the axe.’

When he still didn’t move, Negan grew frustrated, his voice getting louder and more threatening.  'Not making a decision is a big decision.  You really want to see all these people die?  You will.  You will see every ugly thing.  Oh, my God.  Are you gonna make me count?  Okay, Rick.  You win.  I am counting.’

All you heard after that was white noise as the shock took over you, your brain desperately trying to block out what was about to happen.  You watched as Rick’s face crumpled, Carl remaining stoic, nodding to his father to do it, as he raised the hatchet high above his head.

'Rick,’ Negan stopped him, just before the blade could descend, his expression amused and finally satisfied.  'You answer to me.  You provide for me.  You belong to me.  Right?  Speak when you’re spoken to!  You answer to me.  You provide for me.’

Rick was a quivering mess, barely able to form words, but he managed to murmur, 'Provide for you.’

'You belong to me, right?!’

'Right.’

'Right.  That is the look I wanted to see.  We did it all of us, together, even the dead guys on the ground.  Hell, they get the spirit award, for sure.  Today was a productive damn day!  Now, I hope, for all your sake that you get it now, that you understand how things work.  Things have changed.  Whatever you had going for you, that is over now.’

He seemed to be wrapping things up, and you let out a sigh of relief at the thought that you could finally take a breath, process your losses, without the steely-eyed gaze of his men focused on you.

'Dwight load him up.’  Negan pointed at Daryl, motioning for the scrawny blonde-haired minion to take him to the van.  

'What?’ you choked out between sobs.  'No!’

Dwight slid his hands under Daryl’s arms, dragging him upright, despite Daryl trying to jerk out of his grasp.  He shoved him violently into the back of the vehicle, where a crossbow was immediately trained on him until the doors slammed shut.

'No!’  The noise that erupted from you was a cross between a snarl and a scream, and Negan grinned down at you in your agony.

'Sorry, darling.  He’s got guts, not a little bitch like someone I know.  I like him.  He’s mine now.’  He turned to Rick as he spoke, determined to get one last dig in before he left.  'But you still want to try something?  "Not today, not tomorrow.“  Not today, not tomorrow?  I will cut pieces off of… hell’s his name?’

'Daryl,’ Simon supplied.

'Wow.’ Negan chuckled.  'That actually sounds right.  I will cut pieces off of Daryl and put them on your doorstep, or, better yet, I will bring him to you and have you do it for me.  Welcome to a brand-new beginning, you sorry shits!’

As his men began to disperse, moving towards their vehicles, he turned back to Rick.  'I’m gonna leave you a truck.  Keep it.  Use it to cart all the crap you’re gonna find me.  We’ll be back for our first offering in one week.  Until then ta-ta.’

You felt movement around you, knew it was over, that the trucks and bikes were pulling away, but you couldn’t tear your eyes away from the back of the van that Daryl had been thrown into.  As it roared to life, and began to inch out of the clearing, you felt more tears spill over, the pain of losing him overwhelming.  Where would they take him?  Would they hurt him?  What about his shoulder?  He needed medical treatment.  How were you supposed to do this without him?  How were any of you supposed to do this?  God, Maggie was pregnant.  How was she supposed to raise her child without Glenn?  

For a long time, none of you spoke, each lost in your own heads, your own grief, but then you heard Rick say Maggie’s name, and saw that she was pushing herself to her feet, wobbly in her weak state.  You moved immediately to her side, supporting her as she limped over to her husband’s body, feeling her knees give way and tightening your hold on her as she got closer.

'I’ve got you, Mags,’ you reassured her as she tensed up, about to fall.  'I’ve got you.’

'Maggie, you need to sit down,’ Rick instructed gently.  'We need to get you to the Hilltop.’

'No.’  She objected, her gaze not leaving what was left of Glenn.  'No, you need to go get ready.’

'For what?’

'To fight them.’

'They have Daryl,’ Rick tried to reason with her.  'They have an army.  We would die, all of us.’

'Go home.’  Maggie shuddered against you as her voice broke.  'Take everybody with you.  I can get there by myself.’

'Mags, you can’t-’ you started to interject, but she silenced you with a fierce look. 

'Maggie, you can barely stand up.’  Rick reached out to her but she shrugged him off.

'I need to go.  You need to go to Alexandria.  You were ou-out here for me.’

'We still are.’

Her heavy breathing grew more erratic, and you could tell she was on the verge of breaking down again.  'I can make it now.  I need you to go back.  I can’t have you out here.  I can’t have you all out here anymore.  I need you to go back.’

'Maggie,’ Michonne spoke up, her voice sure and calming.  'We’re not letting you go, okay?’

'You have to.’

'It’s not gonna happen,’ Rick spoke again, stepping back into his leadership role as his composure returned.  

Sasha climbed to her feet, making her way over to you, and stopping in front of her distressed friend.  'I’m taking her.  I’m gonna get her there.  I’m gonna keep her safe.  I’m not giving you a choice,’ she added as Maggie began to protest.

'I’m taking him with me,’ Maggie whispered to her.  She grew heavier in your embrace, and you lowered her gently to the ground so she could kneel beside Glenn, stepping back to give her some space.  You turned to find Rick behind you, his eyes watery as they met yours, and you went into his arms, resting your head on his shoulder as you held each other.  

'What are we gonna do, Rick?  We can’t fight, we can’t live the way he’s expecting us to.  What do we do now?’

He couldn’t give you any answers.


	2. Chapter 2

Daryl sat alone in his cell, his back pressed against the cold wall, his eyes adjusted to the darkness well enough that he could see the opposite wall 6 feet away.  He felt alone, and scared, but he refused to show it when whoever was on guard duty that day pulled the door back just far enough to hand him his rations - a slab of dog food in between two mouldy slices of bread.  At least the darkness helped him to forget what it was that he was eating.  For the first couple of days he’d refused it, but he’d felt himself growing weak with the lack of sustenance, and he needed to keep his strength up if he was going to get out of there and back to his girl.

_Y/N._

Thoughts of her were all that kept him going some days.  The animalistic howl of pain that had erupted from her when they’d dragged him away, as if her heart was being torn from her body, haunted him.  The thought that surprised him the most was that he was actually surprised at her reaction.  They’d drifted so far apart recently, and he knew it had been his fault.  He’d pushed her away, bitter that she’d settled so well into the suburban domesticity of Alexandria.  It would have been a foreign world for him even before the dead started walking, and he couldn’t settle there, feeling constantly uncomfortable in his own skin, so he’d rebelled, refusing to clean himself to meet their standards of appearance, stripping his kills on the front porch, leaving the blood and guts to fester in the heat.  He hated himself now.  She was happy.  That should’ve been all that mattered.  He should have tried harder to make it work, for her.  He’d do anything for her.  It shouldn’t have taken the events of that night in the clearing for him to remember that.

The painfully optimistic notes of the bubblegum pop song that they insisted on pumping into his cell at all hours of the day and night rang out, and he pressed the heels of his hands into his ears, trying to drown out the noise.  He wasn’t sure if the intention was to drive him insane or to stop him sleeping.  If it was the latter, they were wasting their time.  He didn’t sleep without Y/N there, he couldn’t.  All his life, he’d been haunted by nightmares of his childhood, of the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his father, until the first night he’d crawled in with Y/N.  Somehow, sleeping with her in his arms drove his demons away, and he could never understand why.  In all honesty, he could never understand how Y/N had weaselled her way into his life anyway.  He’d found her at the side of the road, a little bottle-rocket of sass and snark, and something in him had felt compelled to protect her.  Hell, she was pretty, of course she was, but he’d met a lot of pretty girls and they’d all left him cold.  Y/N was different.  She’d managed to worm her way in to his innermost thoughts, breaking through his walls, wearing away at his defences with her easy affection and unconditional companionship.  She’d held him when he’d lost his brother the first time, rocking him like a child.  If it had been anyone else, he’d have pulled away, wouldn’t have let them see his weakness, but he’d relaxed into her embrace and let her soothe him.  There was just something about that girl.

The music finished, only to instantly start up again, and Daryl slid his body along the floor until he could curl himself up in the foetal position and let himself drift into his memory: the first night he’d held her in his arms, the first night of peace he’d had in forever.

 

* * *

 

_Daryl could hear muffled sobs from inside her tent as he made his way back over to their little corner of the camp, ready to turn in after a couple of hours of clean-up, dragging bodies into piles ready to be either burnt or buried in the morning.  He’d arrived halfway through the chaos as the walkers had stumbled into their makeshift home, just in time to put an arrow through the head of a corpse that was about to clamp its jaws onto Y/N.  The intensity of the sharp piercing fear that had shot through him as he’d watched her struggle had shocked him, as did the urge to go to her now, to hold her and let her cry out her anguish._

_Ignoring all of his instincts that screamed at him to just walk past, to go to his own bed for the night, he eased the zip down on her tent, and crawled in through the opening, the scent of her washing over him as he entered the small space.  The sight of her broke his heart.  She sat in the middle of the floor, her arms wrapped round her knees, a pillow balancing on top of them which was soggy with her tears.  She stopped crying when she saw him, taking a shaky breath but making no effort to scrub her face dry._

_‘No Merle?’_

_'Nah,’ he shook his head, the image of the bloodied handcuffs and severed hand on top of the roof coming back to him in an onslaught of horror.  'He’s alive, but he weren’t there.  Chopped his own hand off to escape, crazy motherfucker.’_

_She snorted for a moment, and he thought perhaps she was truly amused by his brother’s traumatic escape - she’d never liked him after all - but then her head fell forward into the pillow again and her body shook as she sobbed._

_'Hey,’ he rasped, moving to sit beside her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders, amazed by how small and fragile she felt beneath his touch.  He froze for a second as she turned her head, burying it in his neck, his skin quickly becoming moist as she continued to cry.  'It’s okay.  It’ll all be okay.’_

_'How can you say that?’ she’d challenged him.  'People are dead, Daryl, or missing.  How can it be okay?’_

_He considered this for a moment, wondering himself where the sense of peace that he felt had come from after such a long and trying day.  He caught himself fiddling absentmindedly with the stands of hair that fanned across her back, but she didn’t seem to mind so he carried on, always thinking better when his fingers were busy._

_'Because yer alive, and I’m alive.  And that’s what matters, right?’_

_She’d pulled away from him, her big, bright eyes meeting his as she nodded in understanding._

_'Come on, ya gotta get some sleep, girl.’  She looked so tired, and he couldn’t leave her when she was in this state, so he pushed gently on her shoulder to get her to lay back, and when she turned away from him to face the tent wall, he copied her position, curling himself against her back, the heat of her skin penetrating through the layers of clothing between them and warming his chest.  He held himself tense for a moment, waiting to see if she’d push him away, but she didn’t, so he settled down, stroking his hand over her arm in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.  'Yer all I got now, Y/N, so I'mma make it okay.’_

_He felt her let out a small sigh, and then her breathing evened out, and he knew she’d fallen sleep almost instantly.  He lay awake for a long time, just enjoying the sensation of holding another person close, and then, finally, he too drifted off to sleep, undisturbed by the nightmares that usually plagued him.  He woke only once, when she’d wriggled in his arms, little whimpers escaping her lips, before she jerked awake, exhaling loudly at the relief that it had just been a dream.  He wrapped her up more tightly in his embrace, shielding her from anything that might hurt her, and rocked her gently until they both fell asleep once more._

 

* * *

 

Life as a prisoner of the Saviors was rough.  Each day seemed worst than the last, though the real low point for Daryl was the trip to Alexandria.  He was dragged from his cell at dawn, dressed now in a grubby tracksuit that smelt of somebody else’s bodily odours, and ordered into the back of a truck where a gun was immediately trained on him in case he should try and make a break for it.  No one had told him where they were headed, but he knew.  They wouldn’t have brought him along if they were going anywhere else.  The sight of the fences that, not long ago, used to fill him with a claustrophobic nausea, made his chest ache with longing.   _Home._

He was pushed roughly from the truck, landing on his knees but quickly scrambling to his feet, his hands bound, his eyes wild.  Someone pressed a gun into his back, shepherding him into place beside the gate, positioning him at the front so that Rick would see him and take notice.  He hated being used against his family.  A part of him wished that they would stand up and fight, regardless of what that might mean for him, of what Negan would do to him in revenge, but he couldn’t stand the thought of not getting the chance to say goodbye to Y/N, of not getting to give her the apology she so deserved.  What would it do to her if she lost him without having that chance to put things right?  No, he had to keep strong, keep fighting in his own way.  A war right now would end badly for everyone.

Negan let out a jaunty whistle as he sauntered over to the gate, rattling it with Lucille, as he crowed, 'Little pig, little pig, let me in!’

One layer of the gate slid back, and Daryl recognised Spencer’s voice, having to force himself not to let out the sigh of frustration that fought to escape at the thought of the spineless little boy trying to deal with this.  'Erm, who are you?’

The tension rocketed up a notch as Negan let out a disbelieving chuckle.  'Oh, you better be joking.  Negan, Lucille.  I know I had to make a pretty strong first impression.’

The thud of footsteps on the ground inside signalled the arrival of another Alexandrian, and Negan’s smirk grew.  'Well, hello, there.  Do not make me have to ask.’

'You said a week.’  Rick’s southern drawl was bitter, challenging.  'You’re early.’

The gate creaked as it was pushed open, granting the Saviors access, though Negan made no immediate move to enter.  'I missed you.’

The rasping growl of a walker disturbed the reunion, as a corpse stumbled out from behind the trucks, focused on reaching the living bodies by the fences.  

'Oh, Rick, come on out here.  Watch this.’  For Negan, the appearance of the undead was just another chance to show off, to demonstrate the viciousness of Lucille, as he took the biter down with one swing.  'Easy peasy lemon squeezy!’

He turned to his men where they’d been gathered out of sight, causing Rick to move forward to take in the crowd, his gaze immediately falling on Daryl.  Daryl refused to meet his eyes, ashamed of his dishevelled appearance, of the bruises under his eyes, and the defeated stance he couldn’t help.  'All right, everybody.  Let’s get started.  Big day.’

As the group began to filter through the gate into Alexandria, Negan stepped up his taunting, pushing Rick, challenging him to make a move.  'Hey, Rick, you see that, what I just did?  That is some service!  I mean, we almost get turned away at the gate.  Who is that guy, anyway?  Do I get mad?  Do I throw a fit?  Do I bash some ginger’s dome in?  Nope.  I just take care of one of these dead pricks that could’ve killed one of y'all.  Service.’

He shoved Lucille into Rick’s hands, the sheriff unable to keep the look of shock from his face.  'Hold this,’ he instructed, surveying the community, his eyes greedily roaming over the neat little suburban neighbourhood.  'Hot diggity dog!  This place is magnificent!  An embarrassment of riches, as they say.  Yes, sir, I do believe you are gonna have plenty to offer up.’

As Daryl was shoved inside, he finally forced himself to meet Rick’s gaze, encouraging his friend to step forward, addressing him at last.  'Daryl, hey-’

'No.’  Negan’s interruption was booming and severe.  'Nope.  He’s the help.  You don’t look at him, you don’t talk to him, and I don’t make you chop anything off of him.  Same goes for everyone, right?’

Rick’s face fell, and Daryl felt his eyes watering with emotion, longing to reach out to his brother, to reassure him, or beg him, or hell, just say hi, but he knew doing so would only antagonise the maniac currently exerting his authority, and so he hung his head, hiding behind his greasy curtain of hair.  It would be easier if he just couldn’t see his family, if he pretended he was somewhere else.

And then he heard it, Y/N’s gasp, from somewhere further away, bringing his head back up so he could search for her, immediately picking her out where she stood halfway down the street.   _No, no, no, don’t do it_ , he begged silently.  _Don’t draw attention to yourself_.  But it was too late.

'Daryl,’ she cried, moving towards him, breaking in to a run as she closed the distance between them.  'Daryl, oh my God!’  

She was so close, she was nearly within reach, when Negan’s arm snaked out, catching her round the waist and holding her back, seemingly unaffected as she squirmed, her arms flailing as she fought against his tight grip.  

'Sorry, princess, maybe you missed what I just said, so I’m gonna say it one more time for you, alright?  Daryl is here to work.  He is off limits.  Do not look at him, do not speak to him, and most definitely do not touch him, or we will leave some part of him here for you to remember him by.  Do you understand?’

Y/N’s gaze locked with Daryl’s once more, her eyes filled with desperation as tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks.  

'I said, do you understand?’  Negan’s voice was a low snarl as his fingers bit into her side until he drew a whimper from her lips, and she tore her attention away, squeezing her eyes tight shut as she nodded her head slowly.  'Now, there’s my good girl.’

He reached up with his free hand and brushed a tear away, smiling down at her with something that vaguely resembled affection.  'Well, I gotta say, you are damn pretty when you cry.  Howsabout you give me the grand tour, doll?  Show me what’s what around here.’

Every hair on Daryl’s body bristled as he watched Negan lay his hands on his girl, every cell in his body straining to throw himself at the goddamn son of a bitch and beat the crap out of him.  Too many times he’d let Y/N get hurt, and he couldn’t bare to see it happen again.  He remembered what she’d said to him when he’d found out about Shane’s actions at the CDC, how he’d tried to force himself on her.  

_'You know the first thing I did when I got away from him?  I came to find you.  And you held me and I felt safe and all the bad stuff just went away.  It isn’t your job to protect me from all the things that can hurt me.  It’s your job to make it all better when they do.’_

And she had.  She’d found him in the library and curled up against him, her head on his chest, as if just the sound of his heartbeat had made her feel safe.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever made anybody feel safe before in his life, and the knowledge that Y/N had trusted him so completely…  It changed everything for him.  It gave him a purpose, a reason to keep going.  It made him feel like the man he wanted to be.

But this time, when the bad man went away, he’d take Daryl with him, and he wouldn’t be there to comfort her, to make it all better.  Was she staying in the house without him, he wondered, or had she moved in with Rick and Michonne, or maybe Sasha?  He hoped she wasn’t alone, that someone was looking out for her.  He knew how low she could get when things got bad, had seen it time and time again when they were out on the road, the desolation that flashed across her features whenever her thoughts got the better of her, the exhaustion that made it hard for her to keep going.  She needed him, just like he needed her.  This was killing him.

As a sharp jab in his spine forced him to fall into step behind Negan as the group began to disperse, splitting off to raid Alexandria’s supplies, Daryl let himself zone out, knowing he wasn’t going to get through this if he didn’t find some way to distract his mind.  He risked a quick glance at Y/N where she walked at the front of the small cluster of men, her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, exposing her freckled shoulders, and remembered a better day.

 

* * *

 

_Daryl sat by the edge of the lake, carefully skinning his kill, trying to preserve as much of the meat as possible to feed the hungry group.  It was early morning, and the water was calm, reflecting his mood.  They’d had a roof over their head the night before, something that had become a luxury that they all craved, and he’d actually managed a few hours of sleep, curled around Y/N in the corner of the tiny cabin they’d found, before he’d taken over guard duty.  It had lifted his mood, and he hoped their good luck might continue for a little longer.  Damn, they could sure use it._

_The tingle of his spine told him he was being watched, and he turned his head just enough to glance Y/N, standing off to the side behind him, lost in her thoughts as she gazed at him.  If anyone else had stared at him like that, he’d have got defensive, uncomfortable, but with her it just brought a small smile to his face.  He knew she saw her home in him, her place to belong.  He knew because that’s exactly what he saw in her._

_'You jus’ gon’ stand there all day?’ he drawled eventually, smirking at her surprised expression, knowing she’d believed that she’d managed to sneak up on him._

_She was always full of surprises though, shrieking 'Nope,’ as she sprinted past him, launching herself into the water fully dressed and disappearing beneath the surface._

_Daryl couldn’t help but laugh as she emerged, shaking her head like a wet dog and sending water droplets flying all around, ripples spreading out around her.  She was so vibrant, so very alive in that moment.  'Yer crazy girl.’_

_'The water’s amazing,’ she called, beckoning him to join her.  'Come on Dixon, I know there’s gotta be a real boy under all that dirt.’_

_He didn’t bother to fight her, knowing he’d only cave eventually anyway.  He couldn’t deny her anything she asked for.  Downing his tools, and pushing his kill to one side, he levered himself up and waded in, making his way towards her as she trod water.  It was colder than he’d expected, bringing goosebumps up along his arms, and he grumbled at her as he drew close.  'Amazin’ my ass.  Frickin’ freezin’ in 'ere, Y/N.’_

_She giggled at him, sounding carefree and relaxed as she closed the distance between them and wrapped an arm around his neck, dunking him beneath the surface for a moment, and submerging him in the cold._

_He came up grinning, shaking his head at her again.  'Bitch!’_

_He caught up to her easily as she made to swim away, wrapping his arms around her waist and dragging her towards him, only to flip her at the last moment and slam her into the water, making sure to keep hold of her, not wanting her to drift too far._

_As she broke the surface again, he locked his arms around her and pulled her close to him, their bodies flush, legs kicking lazily against each other, before she hitched hers up to wrap around his waist, trusting him to support her.  He liked that, the fact that she was so willingly putting herself in his control, and began to twirl in slow, lazy circles, watching as she let her head fall back, the sun’s rays dancing over the pale skin of her face.  God, she was pretty though.  He’d never really thought about her that way, she was like a little sister or something, his best friend, but sometimes, when the light hit her in just the right way, or she was all sleep-ruffled and dazed, he thought she might just be the prettiest thing he’d ever seen._

_As silence fell between them, Daryl took a deep breath, feeling more at peace than he had done in a long time.  This was what life was about, he thought, holding his favourite person close, relishing in the soft sloshing of the water as he moved them through it.  This was more than just existing._

 

* * *

 

Daryl had lost track of how long he’d been at the Sanctuary.  The days blurred together in an endless cycle of beatings, sleep deprivation, and mindless tasks that he carried out with a gun pointed at his head.  His need for Y/N had grown into a physical ache, one that made his joints stiff and painful, his muscles tight and tired.  His desire to exist was slowly slipping away, and yet he couldn’t give in.  He would not declare himself, 'Negan.’  If there was even the slightest chance that he could see Y/N again, even if just for a second, then he had to force himself to keep going, but it was getting steadily harder.

And then came the note.  It was slipped under his cell door,  _'Go now’_ , with a hair grip and a key taped to the back.  He’d been tricked into trying to escape before and been caught, receiving a brutal kicking from the Saviors as his punishment, but this felt different.   _Go now_.  Could he?  Should he?  And then he pictured Y/N, waiting for him, worrying about him, and he knew he had no choice.   _Go now_.  Alright then.


	3. Chapter 3

You sat, desolate and alone, on your bedroom floor, tears running down your cheeks as your brain continued to throw up images of Daryl as you’d last seen him, bruised and broken, a shadow of the man you knew.  You’d barely recognised him, this hunched over, cowering ghost, but when the realisation had hit you, you’d had to try to go to him, knowing that if you could just wrap your arms around him, tell him you loved him, you could revive his spirit just a little, maybe enough to keep him going through whatever came next.  But no, Negan couldn’t even let you have that.  You had bruises on your waist where his fingers had dug into you as he held you back, his touch burning as he’d stroked your face, brushing away your tears.  You’d wanted to lash out at him, punch him, kick him, tear him down, but you could see the guns trained on the archer and knew the price would be too high.

Since then, you’d barely moved.  Back at the farm, when Beth had fallen into a catatonic state after the group had slaughtered the corpses of her family, you’d thought her weak, pathetic.  Now, you could understand.  You had no desire to move, no motivation to eat or sleep or carry out the menial tasks that the community required of you.  So, you sat in your room, huddled in the corner, and wallowed in your misery.  It was bad enough when Daryl just wasn’t there, but seeing the state he was in, the way he was obviously being treated, had made it so much worse.  Now, you couldn’t even pretend that he was okay, and that last little bit of ignorance being stripped away from you had torn your heart to pieces.

A knock at your bedroom door forced you to lift your head to take in your visitor, but you didn’t bother to greet Rick when he stepped inside.  He’d taken to visiting you every couple of days, just to check in, but you just couldn’t give him what he wanted.  You couldn’t pretend to be okay, to be coping.  You didn’t want to.  You just wanted to suffer as if in some way you might share Daryl’s pain.  

‘Y/N, you doing okay?’

You glared up at your leader as he stood over you, shifting uncomfortably when you didn’t bother to respond.

‘Look, I’ve got some news, but I need you to promise that you’re not gonna do anything stupid, alright?’

You felt a flicker of hope in your chest at Rick’s earnest expression, but buried it deep, knowing you couldn’t afford to let yourself be disappointed on top of the pit of despair that had consumed you.  

‘He escaped, Y/N.  Daryl, he… he got out.’

You were on your feet in an instant, scrubbing at your damp face with your fists as you stepped towards the sheriff, your voice low and pleading.  'Where is he?  Is he okay?’

‘He’s fine, a little rundown, but he’s doing okay.  He’s at the Hilltop, but Y/N-’

You’d heard enough, already grabbing your pack from the back of the door and making for the stairs, taking them two at a time as you sped out of the house.

'Y/N!’ you heard Rick calling from behind you as you sprinted down the street, heading for the cars parked up by the gate.  Daryl was back.  It was all you could focus on.  Daryl was alive and free and you needed to go to him, to see it for yourself.  'Y/N, stop!’

A hand on your arm halted you in your tracks, spinning you sharply round to meet Rick’s steely gaze.  'You have to stop.  When Negan figures out he’s a prisoner down, where do you think is the first place he’s gonna look?  If you’re not here, he’ll know you’re with him.  Hell, you could lead them right to him.’

'But-’

'Twenty four hours, Y/N.  That’s all I’m asking you for.  You know he’s safe, you know he’s protected.  Just wait another day.’

You considered his words, knowing he was right, but every cell in your body was straining towards the Hilltop, towards Daryl, needing to see him, touch him, hold him.  If you went now, moved fast, you’d be long gone before the Saviors arrived.  They’d never catch you.

'Rick, please, I-’  The rumble of engines in the distance cut you off, your eyes widening as they got louder, drawing nearer, before the shadow of a truck loomed behind the gates, several more pulling in behind it.  'Shit.’

'Let me handle this,’ Rick growled at you under his breath.  'Don’t say a thing, you hear me?’

You nodded, fear washing over you as Negan’s silhouette appeared, the clang of Lucille against the metal gate echoing down the road.  The last time he’d been there, he’d killed Spencer, gutted him like a fish, and Olivia had also ended up dead, while Eugene was hauled off to the Sanctuary as Negan’s new pet bullet-maker.  If Daryl really had escaped, this time things could be even worse.  

'Rick!  You get this goddamn gate open right the fuck now!  I will not ask twice!’

Rosita was on gate duty, and she glanced to Rick, waiting for his nod before sliding it back, allowing Negan to storm in, Lucille clenched tightly in his hand.

His face was red, his eyes flashing with anger as he stepped up to the sheriff, using his height to loom over him and stare him down.

'Where is he?’

'Where’s who?’  Rick was a picture of nonchalance, though you could see sweat beading on his brow as he met Negan’s gaze, holding his own.  

'I’m not here to play games, Rick.  Tell me where he is or I swear to God I will turn this goddamn place upside down.’

'I don’t know what you’re talking about.’  Rick spread his hands, taking a step back, putting some distance between himself and the raging loose cannon.  'Have you lost someone?  Did you leave one of your Saviors here?  He must be hiding real good if you did, cos I haven’t seen a thing.’

Negan’s eyes narrowed, and he fell silent for a moment, breathing heavily, his jaw tensed before he bit out, 'Go to work.’

His Saviors moved off in almost military formations, marching down the street, and you heard the startled cries of your neighbors as their front doors were kicked in.

You caught Rick’s eye, shooting him a questioning look, but he simply shrugged.  They wouldn’t find anything so may as well let them go about their business so they could leave and let you get on with your day.  You sighed, impatient, wanting desperately to get out of there and start the long journey to the Hilltop, but you knew you were stuck until they gave up and took off.

'We keeping you from something, princess?’

Though he still stood in front of Rick, Negan’s attention was now focused on you, and you felt the colour drain from your face as his eyes roamed over you.  

'I was just heading out on a run,’ you lied.  'Figured I’d try a little farther out, see if I could scavenge up anything good.  But if I don’t leave soon, I won’t get far before I lose the light.’

'Awww, sweetheart, look at you!  A little girl doing the men folks work for 'em!  You could learn a lesson from this one, Rick.  Should’ve known you’d be the type of guy to send a woman out to do your dirty work.’

You felt yourself bristle at his words and couldn’t help yourself from retorting, 'I’m perfectly capable, thanks.  I notice you’ve got women working for you too.  Good to know you’re an equal opportunities employer!’

He chuckled softly, having succeeded in his mission to rile you up.  'Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have some badass women doing my dirty work right now.  But there are two types of women in this world, doll: those that are tough enough to get out there and get shit done, and those that need a little TLC, a little looking after.  You’re the type that should be treated like a damn princess.’

You scoffed at that, shaking your head.  

'Hell, maybe I’m wrong.  Or maybe you’re used to settling for less.  Maybe Daryl just isn’t doing his job right.’

'Shut the hell up!’ you snapped, earning yourself another rumble of laughter from deep in his chest.

'Ooh, I touched a nerve there, didn’t I, sweetheart?’

'Y/N.’

'What’s that now?’

'My name is Y/N.  Not sweetheart, not doll, not princess.  My name is Y/N, and I contribute to this community just as much as anyone else.  I don’t need to be looked after, and I certainly don’t expect to sit back and let the men do all the work round here.  So, shut your damn mouth.’

Negan let out a long low whistle.  'Wowee, ma'am, we’ve got a live one here.  Damn, sweetheart, I thought you were cute before, but now you’re just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.’

'Oh, give it a break.’

His smile disappeared as he stepped up to you, your bodies almost touching as his hand came up to grip your chin, forcing you meet his gaze.  'Watch your mouth, Y/N.  A little attitude is a hell of a turn-on, but you need to remember who it is you’re talking to.’

You yanked your head away from his touch, your eyes falling on Rick who stood a couple of feet away, body poised as if he were ready to intervene.  You gave an almost imperceptible shake of your head, letting him know you were okay, before turning back to Negan.  'Are you going to let me go or not?’

'That’s a no, for damn sure,’ he smirked, spinning Lucille in his hand as if testing her weight.  'I want you to have a front row seat when I beat the holy hell out of your boyfriend so you’re staying right here with me and Rick the prick until my Saviors find him, okay?’

You huffed indignantly, but made no move to leave, feeling your body tense as Negan let out a harsh bark of laughter.

'Ha, now that, that is interesting!’

'What are you talking about?’ Rick asked, his voice straining as he fought to keep control of his temper.

'Well, you’d think, given that you had no idea who the hell I was looking for when I turned up at your door, that the news that Daryl is out here somewhere, running free, would have gotten a little more of a reaction, wouldn’t you?  Unless, of course, you lied to me, Rick, and you already knew he’d escaped.’

'We didn’t know.’

'No?  Well, then you sure didn’t seem to care.’

'I thought you were lying,’ you intervened.  'I thought you were just trying to get a rise out of me.’

'Sure thing, sweetheart.  You know, I’m thinking there’s an easier way to go about this.  I’m thinking that I’m wasting valuable resources and man hours here, searching every nook and cranny of Alexandria when I could just sit back and let Daryl come to me.’

Your uneasiness increased at the way Negan was eyeballing you, and you felt yourself instinctively edging away from him, shrinking back from his touch as he reached out to cup your face.

'Congratulations, princess, you’ve just won yourself an all-expenses paid vacation to the Sanctuary.’

'What?’  Now you were really backing away, stumbling as you tried to turn tail and run, but Negan’s hand shot out and caught your wrist, his grip vice-like.  

'You heard me.  You’re coming with me.’

'No, I-’

'We can do this the easy way or the hard way, sweetheart.  I prefer the easy way, don’t wanna risk marking up that pretty face of yours, but I’m not averse to the hard way if you like a bit of rough and tumble.’

'Rick!’  You could see your leader over Negan’s shoulder, his eyes wide in panic, but his gaze flicked down to where Lucille was hovering as Negan’s side, and he stepped back, conceding as you were towed towards the trucks.

'Mike!’  Negan yelled to one of his men who had just exited the nearest house.  'Round everyone up and get them back on the trucks.  We’re rolling out.’

'What?  No!’  You struggled in his grasp but it just tightened until you thought your bones might snap beneath his fingers.  'Why are you doing this?’

'Because you people need to learn to follow the damn rules,’ he snarled, as he hefted you over his shoulder, ignoring your fists as they pounded against his back, and deposited you in a heap on the passenger seat of the truck at the rear of the line.  The door slammed shut, missing your fingers by millimetres, resisting your attempts to open it from the inside as Negan rounded the vehicle to climb in beside you.

‘Look, Daryl’s not here, okay?  I promise you, he’s not!’

‘Doesn’t really matter,’ Negan shrugged.  ‘He’ll come out of hiding when he hears what happened here.’

‘But-’

Your sentence was drowned out by the engine roaring to life beneath you, as Negan shifted the truck into reverse so he could pull back and point it down the road, before gunning the gas, the wheels spinning in the dirt for a moment before the traction kicked in and you lurched forward in a cloud of dust.

‘Aww, c’mon, doll,’ Negan teased you, as he glanced over at you, hunched up against the window, your face wet with tears.  You’d have thought by now that you’d be all cried out, but somehow they just kept coming.  ‘It’s not so bad.  Play your cards right, there could be opportunities for you in my house, perks aplenty!’

‘I don’t want your perks,’ you bit out between gritted teeth, shifting in your seat to be as far away from him as possible.  ‘I just want to go home.’

‘Oh sweetheart, give it a few days of what I’ve got in store for you, and my perks will be looking pretty damn good.’

You sniffed, not bothering to justify that with a response.  You could only imagine what you’d be expected to do to get the perks he was referring to.  Carl had been to the Sanctuary, had told you about Negan’s harem of wives.  If he thought you’d agree to join their numbers, he was sorely mistaken.  You couldn’t do it, wouldn’t do it, to Daryl or yourself.  It wasn’t an option.

Whatever he had in store for you, you’d suck it up and take it.  If Daryl could get through it, so could you, and he’d obviously found a way out, which meant escaping was possible somehow, though you’d no doubt that Negan would tighten security now, meaning you’d be watched like a hawk.  Perhaps Eugene would be your saving grace.  He was smart, switched on, possibly already working on possible escape routes for himself.  There had to be a way.  You’d find a way.

The only thought that really comforted you, kept you going, was that Daryl was now free.  He’d be at the Hilltop with Maggie and Sasha and Enid, finally back amongst friends, building his strength up, cleaning his wounds, getting his spirit back.   _Keep him safe for me_ , you prayed.   _Please, just keep my man safe.  I can’t lose him.  I just can’t…_


	4. Chapter 4

The dark had bothered you at first.  It was always dark in the cell, always cold, and your body ached from holding yourself tense against the chill.  You’d been forced to strip on arrival, left in only your underwear, though they’d neglected to take your jewellery, and you sat spinning the ring on the ring finger of your right hand, drawing comfort not from the cool twist of metal, but from the love and emotion that had gone in to its creation.  Daryl had made it for you, locked in the train car at Terminus, and you’d worn it every day since.  He hadn’t even known if you were alive, but he’d had faith.  You remembered the sweet ecstasy of your reunion and prayed for the day that you’d be reunited again.  You would see him again, you had to believe that.  You’d get through this, just like you had everything else.

You leant your head back against the wall, closing your eyes, and letting out a sigh as you lost yourself in your imagination.  You knew Daryl so well, you could see him in front of you: the patchy scruff that bristled over his face, greying slightly on his chin; the intense blue of his eyes, so deep you felt like you could dive in to them and swim for miles; the slight quirk of his lips as he tried not to laugh when you were being cute or dorky.  You could feel the soft curls of his hair, so much longer now than when you’d first met, threading through your fingers; the hard, defined muscles of his arms contrasting with the slightly softer paunch of his stomach; the callouses on his hands as he cupped your face before leaning down to kiss you.  You could even hear his voice, his gruff Southern drawl, knew exactly what he’d say to you if he could speak to you right now.

_‘Don’t give up on me, girl.  Ya can do this.  Yer strong.  Don’t go losin’ hope now.  Without hope, we ain’t got nothin’ left.  Keep on fightin’.  I’m comin’ for ya.’_

‘I love you,’ you whispered into the black, hoping that somehow he’d hear you, no matter where he was.

The scrape of a key in the lock on the door to your cell, dragged you from your thoughts, bringing you back to reality, as it creaked open just far enough for a nondescript arm to pass through a plate of food.  When you didn’t reach out and take it, it was dropped to the floor with a clatter which reverberated around the tiny space and made your ears ring.  As the door slammed closed again, you kicked the food away.  You hadn’t eaten since you’d arrived at the Sanctuary, refusing to touch the hunks of plain, stale bread they brought you.  You had no appetite anyway, had become so accustomed to the hunger pains that you barely registered them anymore.  Your hunger was for home, for Daryl and your family, and nothing else would satiate that need.

You knew you were probably being stupid, that you’d need your strength if you were ever going to get out of there, but you honestly couldn’t see a way that that could happen.  It must be possible, you told yourself time and time again, Daryl did it.  But the door was heavy and solid, always locked shut unless someone was sliding in food or water, and from the sounds you could sometimes hear from the corridor, you were pretty sure that a guard was stationed outside at all times.  You’d thought your best hope might have been Eugene, but you’d seen no sign of him.  For all you knew, he was locked up in the cell next to yours, going slowly insane.  One thing was for sure, you weren’t getting out of their on your own.

Time passed slowly, the days merging together in one endless stream of cold, sleepless despair.  You were stuck in this cycle of nothingness, just you and the dark, and you felt like you were losing your mind.  You hadn’t spoken to anyone in so long that you weren’t even sure that you had a voice anymore.  A couple of times you’d caught yourself talking to the walls, cursing them, pounding on them, but you reigned in that kind of behaviour.  That way lay craziness, and you needed to at least try to keep your wits about you.

When the familiar sound of the key in the door sounded, and it was opened fully, a tall, lithe figure appearing in the doorway, looming over you where you sat huddled in the corner, a knot formed in your stomach, a sense of dread stealing over you and freezing you in place.  You wrapped your arms around your body trying to hide yourself away from his eyes, self-conscious in your scantily clad state.

‘Well, princess.’ Negan’s voice sounded so good you could have cried.  You hated him with every fibre of your being, but he was here and he was speaking to you, and it had been so long.  ‘How are you finding your accommodation?  I know it’s not exactly five star, but the world ended, you see, so we’re all having to slum it a little.

‘I’ve had worse,’ you assured him, your voice lacking its usual venom as it came out as a rusty croak.  

‘You sure, doll?  I gotta say, you’re looking a little wrecked.’  You glared at him, but he ignored you, disappearing out of sight for a second to grab a torch which he set down in the middle of the cell, before settling himself on the floor in the doorway, resting his back against the frame.  ‘Alright, I get it, you hate me.  Can’t say I blame you, I mean, shit, look at this place.  But you’ve done your time.  I’ve come to give you a choice.’

You knew he’d seen the glimmer of hope in your eyes from the smirk that bloomed on his face.  

‘Option one,’ he announced, reaching back out into the corridor and tossing a filthy bundle of rags at you.  You caught them and dropped them into your lap, picking at them with the tips of your fingers, unballing the fabric to reveal that he’d thrown you a sweater and pair of tracksuit bottoms, grubby and stained, the cloying stench of body odour emanating from them, a remnant of the last prisoner that had worn them, you were sure.  You looked back up at Negan, waiting for him to explain.  ‘I work you into the ground, and I’m talking hard, dirty work, wrangling the corpses on the fences, or on your knees scrubbing the damn floors.  If you’re not working fast enough, my men will shoot you.  If you try to stop for a break, my men will shoot you.  And when your body is just about ready to give up, I will allow you to come back to this cell and sleep for a few hours, until we start the whole fucking process over again.’

His steely gaze bored into you, waiting for a reaction, but you were determined not to give him one, despite the icy fear that was creeping through your veins.  You forced yourself to breathe, exhaling shakily before you lifted your head, meeting his eyes.  ‘Or what?’

His smirk returned, and this time a sweet-smelling pile of black silk was placed gently in your lap.  You lifted it up, letting the folds fall out of it, and finding yourself presented with a dress, the neckline dipping in a low V, the skirt flaring out from the waistband.  As you did this, a mess of lace fell to the floor, and you reached out to retrieve it, twisting the delicate underwear in your fingers, a flush of red colouring your cheeks.  

‘Or option two,’ Negan explained.  ‘You become my wife.  You life in relative luxury on the top floor, and don’t have to lift a damn finger.  I give you everything you could ever want, and you can spend your days relaxing and enjoying life.  Now, how does that sound?’

‘I’m with someone,’ you snapped, reeling from his proposition, though you’d half-expected it after Carl’s revelations of the things he’d seen at the Sanctuary.  ‘I can’t marry you.’

Negan scoffed, tipping his head back as he sighed heavily.  ‘Right, Daryl.  How the hell did that happen, anyway?  You lose a bet or something?’

‘You wouldn’t understand.’

‘No, you’re right, I wouldn’t.  I get it, I guess, I mean, he’s got the whole bad boy, redneck thing working for him, but I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you here, sweetheart.’

‘Oh, I know exactly what you’re offering me,’ you argued.  ‘I’ve had eyes on the inside, in case you’re forgetting.’

Confusion flashed across Negan’s features, before realisation dawned.  ‘The boy!  Damn, I almost forgot about him.  He’s gonna be working for me one of these days, you can fucking count on that.  Kid’s got potential and it is just killing me seeing it wasted with you people.’

‘He will never be a Savior.  I can promise you that.’

‘You wanna bet on it?’

‘I’d bet my life on it.  I’ve known Carl since he was a little boy, I’ve watched him grow up, seen him act with more dignity and kindness than almost else I know.  You’re beneath him, Negan.  You’re beneath all of us.’

He let out a dangerous chuckle, shaking his head, his tongue edging across his bottom lip as you watched him debate whether to let his anger show.  He wasn’t sure yet whether he had the upper hand, you could tell, and he didn’t want to push you into making a decision that he wasn’t happy with.

‘Alright, doll, I’ll let you have that one, but only cos I’m still waiting for a response to my proposal.  I’ll punish you later.  More fun that way anyway, given that your punishment depends on your choice.  So, come on, what’s it gonna be?’

‘Being your wife,’ you said, hesitantly, trying to figure out which was the better chance of survival for you here.  ‘What would that entail exactly?’

‘I already told you, princess.  Luxury, pretty clothes, cocktails, girly magazines… You name it, you got it.’

‘At what price?’  You knew Negan’s methods well enough now to know that it was always a game with him.  You never got something for nothing.

‘Oh, damn, you are a smart one, aren’t you?  Beauty and brains, be still my heart.’  You remained silent, waiting for him to continue.  ‘You’d be my wife, sweetheart.  That involves carrying out certain wifely duties, but I can guarantee, you’d enjoy them just as much as I would.’

You cringed, narrowing your eyes at him as you bit your tongue, trying to control your reaction.  ‘You’re disgusting.’

His face hardened, his jaw tensed, as he levered himself to his feet, so he could tower over you.  ‘TIme’s a ticking, doll.  What’s it gonna be?’

You took a moment, running over your options again, weighing them up in your head.  Becoming his wife, as much as the thought turned your stomach, would pretty much ensure that he’d keep you alive.  The longer you survived, the more chance there would be that Daryl would find a way to get you out.  If he followed through on his threats, option one would almost certainly kill you eventually, either through sheer overwork or one of his men getting trigger happy.  That would mean never seeing Daryl again, never getting to tell him how much you loved him, never getting to feel the peace that came from being in his arms.  Was becoming Negan’s wife too big a sacrifice to make, even if it meant that eventually you would make it back to your archer?

But as you looked up at him, the harsh cold behind his eyes, the hands that had wrapped around the bat that destroyed two people that you considered family, you knew you couldn’t do it, couldn’t bare to let him touch you.  You wouldn’t take anything from this man.  You couldn’t live with yourself if you did.

Holding his gaze, you leant forward, reaching for the fabric that would indicate to him with option you were choosing, watching his lip catch between his teeth, irritation flashing in his eyes, as he shook his head at you.  ‘Well, that’s a brave fucking choice, I’ll give you that.  But you’ll regret it.’

He bent to gather up the torch and discarded dress, draping it over his arm as he stepped back out into the corridor.  ‘Put those on,’ he instructed, gesturing to the stinking clothes in your lap.  ‘Dwight’ll fetch you in the morning, and then… Then the fun really begins!’

 

* * *

 

Daryl sat on top of a picnic bench at the Hilltop, carving a pattern into the wooden surface with the point of his knife.  In the centre was the name he couldn’t get out of his head, Y/N.  She was all he could think about, all he needed to feel like himself again, to recover from his torture, but she hadn’t come.  Why hadn’t she come?  Maybe she’d preferred living without him.  Maybe after the initial grief, she’d found life easier without his mood swings and stubborn attitude.  Maybe she’d finally realised how far out of his league she was and let him go.  His heart twisted uncomfortably at the thought, and he pushed it to the back of his mind, refusing to accept it without hearing it from her.  He couldn’t let himself dwell on the possibility of losing her.  It would kill the last tiny thread of hope that he was desperately clinging to.  

He felt eyes on him, someone watching him from behind, and turned his head to see Maggie standing there, her eyes shining with tears.  A pang of guilt reverberated through his body as the image of Glenn’s mangled body flashed across his brain.  He expected the widow to turn from him and walk away, but instead she was making her way over to him, climbing up onto the bench to sit beside him.  For a moment, he thought she was just going to sit in silence, wondered if he should leave, give her some space, but her hand reached out to rest on his knee, her breath shaky as she exhaled.

‘Daryl, I need to tell you something.’

‘What is it?’  He waited for the onslaught: she hated him; she blamed him; it was his fault Glenn was dead and now she was alone and pregnant and scared.

‘It’s Y/N.’

His head snapped up, his eyes fierce as he met her gaze, feeling his body tense at the mention of her name.  ‘Tell me.  She hurt?’

‘I-I don’t know.  She’s… gone, Daryl.  Negan, he… he took her back to the Sanctuary in-’

‘In my place,’ he finished for her, shoving her hand away as he threw himself off the bench, pacing back and forth, ripping the skin from his thumb as he struggled to process the consequences of his actions once again.  He knew what it was like there, knew what they’d be doing to her, and he was responsible.  It should be him.  He deserved it.  Shit, how could he have let this happen?

‘Daryl.’  Maggie was watching him, concern writ over her face.  ‘Daryl, it’s okay.  We’ll get her back.’

‘It’s not okay,’ he snapped.  ‘Ya don’t know what it’s like, what they’ll put her through.  Shit, I gotta… I gotta do somethin’!’

‘We are doing something.  Rick’s on his way here.  Just hold tight, okay?’


	5. Chapter 5

This was war. 

At least, that’s what Rick insisted on calling it.  To Daryl it felt a lot like sitting around wasting time, when Y/N was suffering at Negan’s hands.  He knew deep down that they needed to bring in the Kingdom and the Hilltop, the filthy trash people too if they could, pool their resources, bolster their numbers, but every hour that ticked by felt like a blade inching deeper into his chest.  He was forced to constantly remind himself that rushing in alone would likely lead to his own death, leaving his girl just as trapped and alone as she was now.  But holding back wasn’t in his nature, and it went against everything his brain was screaming at him to do.

He made the rounds with Rick, helped to fight their case with the other leaders, though he felt that his role had just become a show of the strength and muscle that they had on their side.  His desperation had made him wild, almost feral, and the edge it gave him appealed to the people they needed to stand with them.  But at night, he sat up alone, unable to sleep, to even close his eyes for a second.  It wasn’t images of his childhood that tortured him now, but images of Y/N, naked and alone in the darkness, crying, hurting.  He felt so helpless.  And so, he focused on his memories, remembering the first reunion they’d shared, whilst he hoped and prayed that they’d get another.

 

* * *

 

_Despite the shiver of fear it sent through his body, Daryl loved to watch Y/N fight.  She was a whirlwind, weaving around corpses, dodging their outstretched arms, as she sliced and stabbed, her hair flying as she span and ducked.  When he held her in his arms, she felt so small and fragile, but when she was fighting for her life, for the lives of the people she loved, she was a warrior.  She was backed up against the fence now, the monsters crowding in around her.  He raised his bow as a walker got a hold of her, its jaws getting a little too close for comfort as she wrestled with those closing in on her other side, letting an arrow fly and nodding in satisfaction as the biter dropped.  He saw her stare wildly round, knew she was searching for him, but there wasn’t time, and she was soon drawn back into the battle._

_Merle nudged him, cocking his head to one side with a wicked gleam in his eye.  ‘You just gonna stand there, little brother, or are ya gonna join in the fun?’_

_He didn’t wait for an answer before he launched himself into the fray, raising his pistol high in the air, and bringing it down hard, bone crunching under the impact as he tore through the undead.  Daryl saw Y/N notice the older Dixon’s presence, though he couldn’t see her reaction.  The wall of bodies around her was too deep.  He raised his crossbow again, picking off the ones around the outside as his family ripped through the others, and soon the herd had thinned, only a few stragglers remaining._

_She looked tired, he thought, as she leant forward, resting her hands on her knees as she panted, her skin glistening with sweat and blood.  She looked beautiful too though, and an unfamiliar and unwelcome pang of a feeling he barely remembered shot through him.  He shook it off, approaching slowly, putting off the moment when she would see him, afraid of what her face might show.  She’d been pushing him away since they’d reached the prison, something he hadn’t and still couldn’t understand, but he knew his decision to leave with Merle would only have made things worse.  He’d abandoned her, something he’d sworn he would never do, and he vowed again and again in his head that he would make it up to her._

_He reached down to pull his arrow from the skull of a walker, wiping the gore on his trousers before sliding it into the quiver on his back._

_‘Daryl.’  Her voice was barely a whisper as her eyes finally met his, her face brightening and righting his world on its axis for the first time in months.  She wasn’t running to him, leaping into his arms, but she’d missed him, and she was glad he was back.  It wasn’t much, he figured, but it was a start.  Unsure what to say, he just nodded, chewing on his lip as he waited for her to move, to do something._

_He thought he saw her body tense as though she might take a step forward, but Rick’s shouted warning tore her attention away from him as more walkers emerged from the woods.  'We gotta move!'_

_She took off running, Daryl on her heels, as they sprinted across the grass, towards the second perimeter fence that he could only hope hadn’t been compromised, relief rushing through him as Rick slammed the gate shut behind them, obviously confident that it hadn’t been breached._

_Daryl was so aware of her body next to his as they stood side by side, surveying the chaos before them.  Bodies littered the outer field, the odd corpse still stumbling aimlessly between them.  This could have been much worse.  He should have been here from the start, helping them, protecting her._

_'Is Hershel okay?’ she asked, stepping away from him to face Maggie who’d moved to stand on her other side._

_'He’s inside with Judith.  He’s fine.’_

_'Good,’ Y/N breathed, and he saw some of the tension leave her shoulders._

_'Well, that was one heck of a welcome home party,’ his brother crowed, and Daryl couldn’t help but glower at him in disgust.  Before he could react though, Y/N had turned and punched him in the face, letting out a huff of indignation before she span on her heel and marched into the cellblock.  He couldn’t keep the smile from his face.  That was his girl._

_He’d thought she might come to him, to talk or fight or… hell, he didn’t know.  He just thought she might come.  When she didn’t, he slipped outside into the cool evening air, needing some space to think, to process the events of the day, slinging himself onto the table of the picnic bench and lighting up a cigarette.  If she never spoke to him again, this would be enough, he told himself.  He hadn’t been able to handle being away from her for even a couple of days, so this might be it for him.  Watching from a distance, keeping her safe when she needed him, just being there to see her go about her life without him.  Hell, it was probably for the best anyway.  Dixon’s had a tendency to hurt the people they loved._

_The scrape on the ground of the cellblock door opening and closing sent a flicker of hope through his heart, but he forced himself to keep his eyes focused on the treeline, just in case it wasn’t her.  He’d put off the disappointment for as long as possible, needing that hope, just for a couple more seconds.  When she appeared in front of him, placing too plates of food on the table behind where he sat, and stepping up to perch beside him, he couldn’t control the warmth that spread through his body.  This was progress.  He waited for her to speak, but when she remained silent and he turned to look at her, he noticed that she was shivering.  Clamping his cigarette between his lips, he shrugged off his vest and jacket, separating them so he could pass the jacket to her, watching her drape it over her legs as he slipped the vest back on over his shirt._

_‘Thanks,’ she murmured, snuggling in to the soft leather, burying her arms in it and holding the collar to her face._

_Silence fell again, as he finished off the last of his smoke, stubbing it out on the table before flicking it across the yard._

_'I’m mad at you,’ she announced eventually, her voice determined, though a little shaky, and he realised how hard this was for her.  'You left me, D.  You went off with Merle, and you just left me.  Did you not even stop to think about what that might do to me?’_

_'Course I did,’ he argued.  ‘But it ain’t as if you’ve been actin’ like you actually care, Y/N.  Ya told me to back off.’_

_'I asked for some space, not for you to leave forever.’_

_'It weren’t forever.  I’m here now, ain’t I?’  He knew it wasn’t much, but it was all he had to offer._

_'Yeah,’ she conceded.  'You’re here now, but I don’t understand why.’_

_He scoffed, pulling on his fingers as he shook his head in amusement.  'Didn’ take long to remember that Merle’s an ass.’_

_'Can’t really believe you forgot that in the first place.’_

_'Yeah, well, let’s just say he outassed himself this time round.’_

_When he glanced over at her, she was mirroring his smirk, and he felt the atmosphere lighten just a little._

_'I was scared, Daryl.  I thought I wasn’t ever gonna see you again.’  She sounded like a little girl, quiet and unsure, and he itched to wrap her up in his arms, but he knew it would be too much, too soon._

_'Why’d that scare ya?’_

_'Because you’re the person I care about most in the whole world.’_

_'So why’d ya push me away?’_

_She sighed, and he found that he was holding his breath as he waited for the answer.  'It was something Beth said.  She said that if we were just friends, I should back off and let you get close to other people.  That I was stopping you from forming bonds, from falling in love and being happy.  I didn’t want that.’_

_He scoffed quietly, shaking his head.  'Fallin’ in love?  With who?’  Somewhere deep down though, the memory of that feeling that had shot through him as he watched her recovering from the fight reared its head, and he wrestled with it.  No, that couldn’t happen.  He wasn’t going to ruin the only good thing he had._

_'Carol,’ she admitted.  'She was flirting with you when we first got here, and Beth said she’d never make a move whilst the whole group thought I had some sort of claim over you.’_

_'Yer an idiot.’_

_’D!’_

_'I mean it.  I ain’t interested in Carol.  She’s a nice lady, sure, and we’ve got some stuff in common, both been through shit or whatever, but tha’s it.  It ain’t nothin’ like that.’_

_'Even if she liked you?’_

_'Even if she did, which she don’t.  She just flirts cos she knows I hate it. I ain’t good with that stuff.’_

_She nodded slowly, and he hoped his words were really sinking in.  He didn’t want a relationship, not with Carol or anyone else.  He had Y/N, the best thing in his world, and that was more than enough for him.  If he had her, he didn’t need anything else._

_'I dunno why yer listenin’ to the lil’ girl anyways,’ he muttered, vaguely irritated at Beth’s tendency to stick her nose into other people’s business.  'Way she talks, it’s like she ain’t never left the farmyard.’_

_'I guess I got scared that I was a burden to you.’_

_His mind reeled at that, the idea that a girl like her could ever be a burden to a guy like him completely unfathomable.  'Ya ain’t never been a burden, girl.’_

_'But you’re always saving me.  You saved me again today.’_

_'I told ya I’d always protect ya.  'Sides, ya saved me from myself a long time ago.’  He paused for a moment, wondering how honest he could be with her right now.  She was smiling at him, and she’d shuffled closer during the course of their conversation, so he decided to just let it out.  'Ya wanna know the real reason I came back?’_

_'It’s not cos your brother’s an ass?’_

_He chuckled.  'I came back cos we was walkin’ through the woods an’ Merle was runnin’ his mouth like he does an’ I turned to catch ya eye, make ya smile, and ya weren’t there.  I missed ya.  I’ve been missin’ ya.  Thought I’d rather be here with ya ignorin’ me than out there without ya at all.’_

_Again, he found himself holding his breath, but then she was shoving his jacket to the side, so she could wrap her arm around his neck and could twist round to position herself in his lap, holding him close.  'I missed you too.  Please don’t ever go off like that again.  Please don’t leave me.’_

_'Don’ push me away again then.  I can’t take it, Y/N.  Yer the only thing that keeps me goin’.’_

_'I won’t.  I’m sorry, Daryl.  I’m so sorry.’_

_He could hear from her voice that she was crying now, though her face was buried in his shoulder, and he reached up to rub circles over her back, soothing her as best he could.  He laced his fingers into her hair, wishing he could hold her so tight that nothing bad could ever touch either one of them again, but for now this would have to do._

_As her sobs quietened, his shirt sodden with her tears, she pulled back and met his gaze, her eyes puffy and red._

_'Thank you for coming back.  Thank you for saving me, again.’_

 

* * *

 

He hadn’t saved her this time.  The thought haunted Daryl as he went through the motions.  Plans were made, debated, and changed; they failed, people died, and new strategies were thought up, discussed and agreed upon.  Weapons were gathered, inventoried, divided up and distributed.  Loyalties were declared, speeches were made, and through it all, Daryl felt like a ghost, like he wasn’t really there.  He was completely torn in two.  Half of him was so ready for this fight to begin, to launch himself into battle, to wreak his revenge on the monsters that had tortured him and taken from him the best thing in his world; the other half just wanted none of this to be happening, to wake up and be beside Y/N, curled up in bed, her hair tickling his nose as he inhaled her scent.  

What would she be going through right now, he wondered, what thoughts must be running through her head?  God, she’d been through so much, they all had, but what if this was the thing that broke her?  He’d thought that before though, and been wrong.  No matter how many pieces the world broke her into, between them they’d always managed to put her back together again.  He’d be able to do it again, surely.  He wasn’t feeling whole himself right now, but they’d rebuild together, come back stronger, inseparable.  They’d done it before…

 

* * *

 

_Daryl felt like he’d been walking for hours, but he knew it was just in his head, his fear making time go crazy.  How long ago had Merle made off with them, with Y/N and Michonne, heading for the Governor, betraying his brother in the worst way he could?  How far ahead of him were they?  Was he even going the right way?  He knew Merle, knew how he thought, so he was pretty confident he’d have taken this road, but plans change, don’t they?  Things go wrong.  They could’ve run into a herd, or had car trouble or… or… or…  The thoughts tortured him as he pressed on.  He had to find them, he had to get Y/N back._

_The next time he glanced up at the horizon, he could see two figures making their way slowly towards him, though their gait was so slow and stumbling that at first he thought they were walkers, swinging his bow up in preparation for taking them down, but then one of them raised their hand in greeting, and his heart skipped a beat as he realised what he was seeing.  He let his weapon slip back round to sit against his back, the weight of it thudding against his spine as he broke into a run, desperately closing the distance between them.  He collided with Y/N at full speed, locking his arms around her waist so that he could lift her off the ground, her legs hitching up to wrap around him as she melted into him, sobbing into the crook of his neck, loud, choking cries that broke his heart and fuelled his anger._

_‘What the hell happened?’ he muttered to Michonne, who was watching the reunion with a soft smile on her face.  
_

_‘Pretty much what you think.’  
_

_‘She okay?’  Y/N was still clinging to him, though her tears were slowing, and he felt her breath hot on his skin as she nestled into him._

_‘She will be,’ the other woman nodded, her gaze running over Y/N’s body, concern furrowing her brow.  ‘She’s pretty beaten up.’_

_As her grip on him loosened, he finally released her, placing her gently on the ground and pulling back to observe the damage, feeling as though he might be sick as he took in the mess that his brother had made.  A large gash ran from her hairline to just above her eye, sticky with blood, and still oozing.  Another deep cut split her other eyebrow, and the eye beneath was bruised and swollen.  Her cheek was already turning purple, the skin puffy over the bone, and her bottom lip was fat and cut.  She looked so broken, so utterly miserable, and he couldn’t handle it, couldn’t take this feeling of helplessness.  He wanted to make it better, needed to put things right._

_He cupped her face in his hands, gently tilting her head back so he could brush soft, light kisses over her injuries: the gash on her forehead; her black eye; the bruising on her cheek; her split lip…  The strange feeling he’d had as he’d watched her fight when he’d first made his way back to the prison hit him again, ten times as strong, electricity buzzing through him as though he’d plugged himself into a live socket, as his mouth pressed softly against hers .  What the hell was this girl doing to him?  Goddammit…_

 

* * *

 

There was fighting, so much fighting.  The only way Daryl found he could get through it was to push all of his feelings down, and let his rage dominate him.  He killed, over and over, mercilessly and without remorse.  Each time he pulled the trigger it got easier, and if he had let himself dwell on it, it probably would have bothered him, that sense of his humanity slowing slipping away.  But they’d ceased to be men to him, ceased to be people with lives, and histories, and families.  They were obstacles between him and Y/N, and he had to remove them, as quickly as possible.  Each bullet that hit home was another step closer to holding her in his arms, every victory another move towards sweeping her up and kissing her until he forgot everything, until the world melted away.

And then it was over, and they’d won, but the celebrations felt hollow and morbid.  They’d lost so many, sacrificed so much, and now came the task of rebuilding, of starting from scratch and creating their own new world order.  But for Daryl, it just cleared his path to Y/N, and he itched to get moving, to find his girl.  The attack on the Sanctuary itself had been vicious, and he’d seen the walkers flooding in with his own eyes, but she’d have been safe in her cell, he told himself.  She’d be waiting for him to save her; that’s what he did, he saved her.  One last battle, against the undead that still roamed the building, and he would bring her home and everything would be better again.  He needed to believe it.


	6. Chapter 6

You’d heard the gunshots.  

True to his word, Negan would send one of his men to fetch you in the early hours of each morning, allocating you to a task which would dominate your day.  Your knees were constantly sore from crawling over the concrete floors, scrubbing them clean until your knuckles were cracked and bleeding.  Even that was better than wrangling the walkers out in the yard though.  Negan’s men would create cruel games, forcing you as close to the corpses as possible, their guns trained on you, as they shepherded you backwards towards the snapping jaws, seeing how near they could get you before cackling hysterically, lowering their weapons and letting you scamper away, your body trembling with fear.

At least once every single day, you’d feel your chest tighten, the iron band constricting your lungs until you couldn’t breathe, gasping for air as black dots danced in front of your eyes.  There was no one to help you here, no one to calm your shaking body and hold you as you calmed yourself, and so you found yourself delving into your memory to summon up Daryl’s actions when you’d gotten yourself into this state before.  You could feel his hand rubbing circles over your back, taste the tobacco tang of him as he breathed with an exaggerated slowness, his face close to yours, hear his gruff rasp as he told you it’d be okay.   _It will be okay_ , you told yourself.   _He will come for me_.  And with that thought came a sense of peace, of confidence, and you’d find that your panic would fade and you’d be able to keep going, to keep surviving. 

The gunshots only reinforced your hope, your belief that he was fighting for you.  It had to be them, Alexandria, coming to take you home.  You were in the hall, scrubbing the bricks around the furnace, your skin coated with soot, when you’d heard the noise from outside, pausing in your work, until you heard a throat clear behind you, and turned to see the narrowed eyes of one of the Saviors as he jabbed his gun towards you, motioning for you to continue.  You did, though you strained your ears to hear what was going on, freezing again when you heard Rick’s southern tones, as he shouted up to Negan.   _Finally…_

‘What do you think you’re doing?’  A low snarl came from behind you, though you noticed that his attention was also semi-focused on whatever was going on on the other side of the wall.  ‘Get back to work.’

‘I-’

Your protest was interrupted as a barrage of gunfire was let loose on the Sanctuary, the glass in the windows that ran along the top of the room exploding in a shower of shards.  You dropped to your knees, covering your head with your arms as the chaos continued, the sting of debris cutting your skin making you whimper as you tried to crawl towards the door.  You had to get to out of there, you had to reach them, but you just couldn’t…

An explosion shook the building, and you could feel the heat penetrating the thick concrete walls, and then the sound of engines revving reached your ears, and the squeal of tires as several vehicles peeled out of the yard and drove away.

‘No!’  The cry that left you was wild and guttural, as you clutched at your chest, fighting against the tightness that was constricting your organs.  They’d left you.  Why would they do that?  Had someone gotten hurt?  A million worst case scenarios rushed into your brain, and you clawed at the ground as you struggled to catch your breath, the room spinning as you choked, unable to draw enough air into your lungs to force your body to its feet.

‘Get her back to her cell!’

The shout only intensified your panic, and your vision began to fade as strong hands grabbed at you, roughly hauling you upwards, struggling with you as you stumbled.

‘No, don’t leave me here,’ you begged, praying that somehow Rick or Daryl or someone would hear you and take you away from this horrible place.  ‘Please, I wanna go home.’

 

* * *

 

It was war.  Or at least, that was the word that was going around the Sanctuary.  You weren’t allowed to speak to anyone, but you heard the frightened whispers as you worked.  Negan had been hurt, missing for a while, but he returned, determined and more vicious than ever.  Alexandria, The Hilltop and The Kingdom were his targets:  Rick, the widow and the King.  It sounded like a lot of Saviors had already been lost, and you feared what that might mean for your family.  Were they all still alive?  Was Daryl safe?  You could only imagine his anger at Negan for taking you, and when he was angry, he got reckless, and recklessness got people killed.  If he died…  God, you didn’t know what you would do.

The building was surrounded by walkers, trapping you all inside, and supplies were getting low, the air con already falling victim to the need to conserve their resources.  Sweat trickled down your skin as you worked, expected to continue to go about your duties as normal, but your mind was elsewhere, fixated on what might be happening outside of the Sanctuary walls.  You should be out there fighting, standing shoulder to shoulder with your community, but instead you were carrying out menial tasks designed to kill your spirit and break your body.

You were sweeping the staircase, from the top to the bottom, when things got worse.  You hadn’t imagined at that point, starving, exhausted and faint with the heat, that things could actually have gotten much worse, but the truck that smashed through the wall, just metres from where you stood, letting sunlight and walkers flood in, certainly didn’t help matters.  You knew it was one of your people, it had to be, and that it would be intended to wipe the Saviors out, but it left you no opportunity for escape.  There were too many corpses stumbling in, the stench of rotten flesh overwhelming as they came at you from all directions.  As those around you with weapons began to thin the herd as best they could, taking them down as they stood feasting on those that had already fallen, you turned tail and fled, unnoticed amid the chaos.  

A small storage room on the second floor became your refuge, and you barricaded yourself inside, listening to the shouts and bullets flying outside the door.  Was this it, you asked yourself, was this the end of it all?  Was the war over?  Had you won?  There was no one to answer you, and eventually silence fell.

 

* * *

 

You weren’t sure how long you’d been in the storage room.  Days certainly, maybe weeks.  The invasion of walkers hadn’t been enough to wipe out the Saviors, but you’d remained hidden, seemingly forgotten in the heat of the battle.  You’d chosen your refuge well, being that it came with a small stack of canned food in one corner, and a couple of large bottles of water in the other, probably an emergency stash tucked away by one of the more cunning of the Sanctuary’s population.  You were thankful to whoever it was that was trying to cheat the system, as, though you rationed it severely, it was enough sustenance to keep you alive.  

It was only when you realised that it had been too long since you’d last heard a noise, since voices had echoed down the hallway, that you felt the need to lever yourself to your feet, unstacking the boxes that you’d used to barricade yourself inside, and stepping out into the corridor.  It was deserted.  Reaching back into the closet, your hand wrapped around a length of steel pipe from a pile on one of the shelves, and you wielded it like a club as you made your way slowly along the hall, stopping to check every room for signs of life.  In one you found a discarded backpack, and you hoisted it on to your shoulder, feeling as though you should be gathering supplies.  The Sanctuary had obviously fallen.  You were alone.  

You continued to move through the building, searching every level, avoiding the corridors where walkers still roamed, your bag becoming heavier as you filled it with any food and water that you came across, though there wasn’t a lot left.  Most of the bedrooms were trashed, clothes and personal belongings littering the floor as though their inhabitants had left in a hurry.  What the hell had happened here?  You’d drifted into your own little world inside the store room, losing yourself in memories and dreams, but you couldn’t recall hearing any more gunfire or fighting.  Had the war come to an end?  

It was only as you approached the kitchen that you finally heard a voice, a gruff grumble, and you pressed yourself to the wall as you edged into the room, peering around the corner to see who was there.  You recognised the man, even from behind, as one of the more sadistic of Negan’s men, but you could also see his gun on a countertop a couple of metres out of his reach and so you rapped your pole on the fridge door, disturbing his quest for supplies as he rifled through a cupboard.

‘Shit, sweetheart,’ he muttered, turning to face you with a can of peaches clutched in his meaty paw.  ‘You scared the hell outta me.  What the fuck are you doing sneaking around?’

‘What happened here?’ you quizzed him, ignoring his question and the sneer that contorted his features.  ‘Where is everyone?  Is it all over?  What happened to Alexandria?’

‘Oh, you didn’t hear?  Where the hell have you been?’  He stepped towards you, tilting his head to one side as he studied your reaction.  ‘It’s all over, honey, and I mean all of it.  Nobody won.  Everyone’s dead.’

A knot formed in your stomach at his words, but you forced yourself to clarify his meaning, unable to believe that your family were gone.  ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, they destroyed everything!  The outposts fell, and then the Sanctuary.  The Kingdom, Hilltop, they’re both just…gone.  And Alexandria, shit, Alexandria didn’t just fall.  It burned.’

‘Alexandria…’

‘He razed it to the ground,’ he smirked, shaking his head.  ‘No one got out.  It was a massacre.’

‘Oh…’  The world tilted on its axis, and you stumbled back against the wall, holding on with your fingertips to keep yourself upright.  No, it couldn’t be true.  ‘You’re sure?  No one survived?’

‘Not a soul.  Trust me, I was there.’

‘Daryl…’  It came out as a desperate rasp, and the man in front of you grinned maliciously at your look of devastation.

‘That’s the dude with the crossbow, right?  Shit, he’s definitely dead.  I shot him myself.’

A chill set in in your heart, and you forced yourself to step forward, your grip on your weapon white-knuckle tight as you swung it up and brought it down with a sickening crack on the man’s skull.  And then you fell to your knees and vomited.


	7. Chapter 7

Daryl walked alone, picking his way through the wood that bordered the road, having left his bike a couple of miles back.  If the Sanctuary was still crawling with walkers, he wanted to be able to slip in and out as quietly as possible, without the roaring engine tipping them off to his presence.  Rick had offered to come, and Maggie, but he’d turned them down, needing to do this on his own.  He remembered the state he’d been in when he made his own escape, exhausted and a little disorientated, and knew that Y/N would need a little time and space to adjust.  The least he could do was ensure that she had that.  

He had to force himself to keep a steady pace, when all he really wanted to do was sprint along the road, crash into the building and scream her name until she came to him, but he couldn’t be sure how many surviving Saviors would be hiding in the trees, deciding on their next move now that their kingdom had crumbled.  It was safer to play it stealthy, keeping the element of surprise on his side, but it was killing him.  He could feel her presence, so close now, and he itched to reach out and wrap her up in his arms, and promise to never let anything like this happen to her ever again.  She was his girl, and he’d show her that a million times over until she felt like herself again, until she felt like his. He was sure it would be what they both needed.

The crunch of leaves maybe five metres in front of him halted him in his tracks, crossbow raised, as a hulk of a man appeared through the trees.  He had a pistol clenched in one hand, a tin of peaches cradled in the other, and a large bloody gash split open the wrinkled skin of his forehead, disappearing under his receding hairline.  He froze when he saw the archer’s weapon pointed at his skull, raising his arms in surrender, before recognition flashed across his face.

‘Well, whaddya know?  It’s Daryl!’

Daryl recognised his voice as one he’d heard through the door of his cell many times, and his finger tensed, ready to send an arrow flying.  'Where is she?’  His question came out as a dangerous growl, as he fought to keep control.

'I don’t know who you’re talking about,’ the Savior grinned, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly and testing Daryl’s patience.

'Y/N, the girl he took from Alexandria.  I ain’t playin’ no games here, so just tell me where the fuck she is!’

'Oh, you mean that pretty little thing with the big doe eyes?  Tends to forget how to breathe every so often?  Shit, Daryl, I didn’t realise she was your girl!’

The archer took a step forward, closing the distance between him and his prey, narrowing his eyes as he took a deep breath to calm his temper.  'Just tell me where she is.’

'I-I don’t really know how to tell you this, man.  She… she didn’t make it out.  Got torn to shreds by that crowd of walkers you guys let in.  I saw it myself.  Had to put her down to make sure she wouldn’t become one of them, though I gotta say, there wasn’t a whole lot left.’  Though his tone was remorseful, the grin that spread across his face was cruel and mocking.  

'Nah.’  Daryl was shaking his head, refusing to believe that that could have happened.  'Nah, that ain’t right.  She’d of been locked up in a cell or somethin’, ain’t no way she’d of just been walkin’ round, unguarded.  That ain’t right!’

'She wasn’t in no cell, dude,’ the man before his scoffed.  'Shit, she broke after the first couple of days.  Since then she’s been strutting round in one of them little black hooker dresses lookin’ like she done owned the damn place, Negan’s newest queen bee.’

'What?  No…’  Y/N as one of Negan’s wives?  It was unthinkable, and yet…

'I’m sorry, Daryl, I am, but I gotta tell you, your chick grabbed that marriage proposal with both hands and wrung every little perk she could get out of it.  Led to her downfall though, if you think about it.  If she’d stayed in her cell where she belonged, she probably woulda made it out of this mess.’

The whistle of an arrow sounded for a split second, and then the Savior dropped, the bolt buried in his skull.  Daryl’s knees gave out beneath him and he collapsed to the ground, his mind reeling as he processed what he had just been told.  Surely, Y/N would never have agreed to any of what the man had been suggesting.  She was his, wasn’t she?  She wouldn’t have just up and married Negan the second he proposed.  But he’d been in that cell, felt that sense of despair, of gnawing hunger and misery.  Maybe she saw it as her only way out.  Maybe he’d taken too long to come for her, and she’d had to find her own means of coping before she couldn’t go on anymore.

But, if the walkers had got her, that meant…  No, Daryl couldn’t even entertain the possibility that it was his fault that she was gone.  He’d rebelled against Rick’s plan, split from his best friend, beaten the hell out of him to make his point, and for it to have ultimately led to Y/N’s death…  He couldn’t live with that.  The very idea of it was eating him up inside, and he very nearly gave up, laid down where he was and just prayed for death, but he had to know for sure.  If she was alive, she’d be waiting for him at the Sanctuary, he was sure of it.  She had to know he’d come for her.  

He forced himself to his feet, retrieving his arrow and the fallen Savior’s gun, and pressed on.  He couldn’t bear the images that were flashing through his head, and so he let himself slip into his memory.  

He could pinpoint the exact moment that he’d realised he was in love with her.  It hit him like a battering ram, knocking all of the air from his lungs and leaving him feeling weak and vulnerable.  It wasn’t long after he’d cleaned her up in the prison showers following Merle’s abduction of her and Michonne, and he’d woken in her bunk to see her already up and getting ready for the day.  It wasn’t often that she was awake and out of bed before he was, and he’d taken the opportunity just to watch her for a minute.  The sun was streaming in through a gap in the curtain that hung over the cell door, highlighting her face and the little freckles that were scattered across her skin.  He could see the intense colour of her eyes, the little rosebud pout of her lips, and he almost sighed at how incredibly pretty this girl was.  And then, she’d reached past the pile of her own clean clothes that had been sitting on the table, fresh from the laundry, and snagged his shirt from the back of the chair, slipping it on over her tank top and wrapping it around her tightly for a moment.  He’d seen her wearing his clothes before, but he’d always assumed that it was because she’d run out of her own.  The knowledge that she was actively choosing to surround herself with his scent appealed to something deep and primal within him, and he felt it stir in his stomach, a need that he hadn’t experienced in a long time.  

He must’ve sighed then, or made a sound, because she turned to him, a comfortable smile quirking her features as she reached down to cup his face, whispering, 'Good morning,’ as she slipped out of the cell, her boots tapping against the floor as she walked away.  That was all it had taken.  He was smitten.  There had been a very subtle shift in his feelings for her, and he found himself even more enraptured than he had been before.  He’d known she was out of his league, that she didn’t look at him that way.  If she’d had any idea what he was thinking, everything would have changed.  No more secret smiles, familiar touches.  No falling asleep wrapped around each other, enjoying the comfort that came from holding and being held. So, he’d vowed to bury his feelings, to just wait for them to go away on their own, and hope that he still had a friendship to cling on to when they did.  

Before long though, he’d started noticing subtle changes in the way she was acting around him too, and he began to think maybe… just maybe…

 

* * *

 

_Daryl hadn’t slept, and he knew Y/N hadn’t either.  They were trapped, caged like animals, stuck in the closet of a house filled with armed strangers, and his mind had been racing as he struggled to think of a way out of this mess.  Y/N was curled up between his legs, her face buried in his shoulder, so he couldn’t see the wild look of fear in her eyes, though he knew it would be there.  Sometime in the early hours of the morning, he felt her begin to tremble in his arms, her breathing becoming stilted and choked.  He pushed her away slightly so he could grip her chin and turn her face to his, feeling a rush of panic of his own as he watched her crumble beneath the impact of the attack.  He tried to keep his breathing steady, inhaling and exhaling with an exaggerated slowness to encourage her to pace her breaths with his own.  Leaning his forehead against hers, trying to draw her into their own little world where she was safe and content, he could taste the sweetness of the air she let out, their breaths mingling in the small space between them._

_'Yer gon’ be okay,’ he whispered to her, over and over.  'Look at me.  Just focus on me.  Yer gon’ be alright.’_

_He thought for a terrifying moment that he was going to have to get her out of there right then, no matter what it took, but then to his relief, she seemed to regain some element of control as she leaned back away from him, her gaze locking with his.  His hand was still cupping her chin, keeping her focused on him, but now he moved it to slowly trace over her cheek, noticing how her breath hitched in her throat at his touch before it finally slowed and returned to normal, her body falling still._

_He’d been rubbing circles over her back, knowing it soothed her, but now he let his hand slide down to rest on her hip, hesitating when his fingers grazed against bare skin where her t-shirt had gotten caught up against the creased fabric of his trousers.  There it was again though, that tiny gasp, so he tentatively rubbed his thumb over her hipbone, feeling how her body shuffled even closer to his in response, her hand coming up to clutch a fistful of his shirt as though needing to hold him in the moment.  He continued in his journey over her body, ghosting across her skin, pulling the material of her top up further as he rested his fingers on the curve of her waist, enjoying how her eyes flickered closed for just a second before locking on to his again._

_Her hands reached up to cup his face, pulling him down to her, as she whispered, 'Thank you.’_

_He fought every instinct in him that was telling him to pull away, that he was about to ruin the best thing he had by misreading the signs and pressing something on her that she didn’t want, but she was running her fingertips over his face as though memorising his features, and when she closed her eyes, fully this time, a small sigh escaped her that he was sure had to mean she was right there with him._

_It would be so easy to kiss her, he thought.  Her mouth was just centimetres away from his, and she was putty in his hands, reacting to every tiny caress of his fingers over her skin.  He found himself lowering his face further towards hers, tensing when he felt her lips against his, though he didn’t kiss her, not yet.  Neither of them moved, lost in the intimacy and intensity of their close proximity.  He had to be sure she wanted this._

_But she did, she must have done, as her fingers laced into his hair, her breathing becoming ragged and needy as she held him close.  He could do this.  Maybe they could do this together._

_As soon as the thought entered his head, a loud thump from outside the closet had them springing apart, each reaching for their weapons as they moved into a defensive stance, ready for whatever was to come._ _  
_

 

* * *

 

In the months that had followed, Daryl often wondered what would’ve happened if he’d have just found the courage to make a move before they’d been disturbed.  It was the first time he’d ever gotten so much as a hint of an idea that she might want something more between them, and he’d been so scared to push it and potentially ruin the friendship that he depended on for so much, but, particularly when they’d been separated following the fall of the prison, it felt like they’d wasted so much time trying to guess the other’s feelings and bickering over tiny mistakes.  Now, as he slunk through the deserted corridors of the Sanctuary, that feeling only intensified.  

He hadn’t had enough time with her.  He wasn’t ready for this.  They should have had a lifetime together.  She, at least, deserved that.    Had it really all been ripped away?  No, he still refused to believe it.  He would turn the place upside down before he would accept that she was gone.  He had to keep searching.

A muffled growl from behind him had him spinning round, crossbow raised, as a small group of walkers shuffled around the corner.  Letting out a frustrated sigh, he went to work.

 

* * *

 

_Daryl felt mellow, the world around him blurred slightly by the moonshine buzz that was flowing through his veins.  He’d been so nervous about that evening, the birthday surprise that he’d spent the last week planning for Y/N, but the contented smile on her face as she lay beside him on the hood of the truck made it all worthwhile.  He’d tried to give her everything that she felt that she’d missed out on, always thinking there would be time for it later on, until the world ended and there wasn’t time for anything but surviving.  He just wanted to give her one night that didn’t feel like a battle._

_They’d eaten, actual fresh food from the chickens they’d brought back from their run, though he’d asked Carol to cook it to ensure he didn’t end up giving her food poisoning or something.  They’d sipped on moonshine as the night had closed in, and he’d enjoyed the sound of her giggling drunkenly as they’d swapped stories of their past lives, loving that he could make her laugh so easily.  Hell, he’d even danced with her to the tinny sounds of an old country song from an old-school Walkman turned up full volume, holding her close and swaying her gently from side to side,  feeling foolish until she’d looked up at him with pure adoration in her eyes._

_It had been a perfect night, and he was as reluctant for it to end as Y/N seemed to be, but he could feel rain in the air, and told her so, watching her bottom lip jut out in a girlish pout at his suggestion that they head back inside.  As if he’d summoned it by speaking it, he felt the first spits of water against his face  as the rain began to fall.  It got heavy real quick, soaking him in an instant, but beside him, Y/N was howling with laughter as her drenched clothes melded to her skin._

_'I love this!’ she shouted over the steady drum of the rain on the truck, her smile lost in the darkness as the candles that he’d painstakingly lit and positioned around the yard were extinguished in the downpour._  
  
_'Yer crazy girl,’ he shouted back, noticing a shiver run through her body and instinctively moving closer, reaching out to wrap an arm around her shoulders to try and share some of his body heat.  'Come on, let’s get ya to bed.’_

_'Not yet,’ she protested, and he sighed, shaking his head._

_'Why?  Didn’ ya get everythin’ ya wanted for yer birthday?’_

_She fell silent, and he realised the suggestiveness of his words as he replayed the conversation they’d had after escaping the closet.  She’d been crying, listing all the things she’d missed out on, that she thought she’d never get to do, and the last item on that list had just sprung to the forefront of his mind.  He felt the smile fall from his face as he watched her come to the same realisation, waiting for her to speak._

_'I haven’t been kissed in the rain yet,’ she whispered, and the breath caught in his throat as she pushed the wet hair back from her face, her eyes shining as they locked on his.  He knew that her inhibitions must be lowered by the moonshine but a small part of him worried that this might be his only chance and so he moved towards her, cupping her face in his large hands and pulling her up to him as he leaned over her trembling body, her skin freezing cold to the touch._

_He pressed his lips to hers, and the world righted itself, as though it had been tilted on its axis this whole time and he hadn’t even realised he’d been clinging on for dear life until now, now that he’d finally found his footing.  Her mouth moved against his, and he forced himself to hold back, to be gentle with her as he stroked his thumbs over her cheekbones, holding her as if she were precious and delicate.  But then her fingers were weaving into his hair, pulling him in closer, deeper, and his control slipped away, as he feasted on her, sliding his hand down to the small of her back so he could pull her body flush with his own.  God, why had they never done this before?  How had it ever felt like enough just to hold her?_

_The thought scared him and he broke away, just as she whimpered against his lips, making him desperately hungry for more.  Instead, he whispered, 'Happy birthday,’ and tried to pretend that the world as he knew it hadn’t just changed completely._

 

* * *

 

God, that first kiss.  He’d felt it in his bones, in his soul, could still feel it now, the soft pressure of her mouth on his, the intoxicating taste of moonshine on her tongue.  It had never been like that for him before, not with anyone, and it had sat within him, weighing him down, a deep sense of discomfort that he couldn’t shake.  He’d heard her telling Maggie the following morning that nothing had happened, that they were just friends, and it had felt like a knife in his gut.  How could he possibly be just friends with her once he knew what it was like to feel her sigh against his lips, to have her cling to him like he was a life raft keeping her afloat?

He couldn’t deny that he’d started avoiding her after that, not finding it as easy as she seemed to to slip back into their usual familiar friendship.  So, he’d taken to going out on runs, taking others from the prison with him, building up a force that could work well together, scouting out potential targets, sweeping through buildings methodically, moving together in an almost military formation.  It kept him busy, kept his mind occupied, and as his group gained experience, their losses lessened until they were consistently going out and all coming back alive.

It hadn’t been enough to make him forget, to force his feelings back down, but somehow he’d remembered how to just be her friend, and on the few occasions when he was around long enough to have an actual conversation with her, he prided himself on being nonchalant.  It turned out his distance had been hurting her the whole time, but he hadn’t known.  How could he have known?

He’d regretted it once he found out, and he regretted it even more now as he stumbled from the abandoned building, his body wracked with huge, heaving sobs as he threw himself to the ground and let the misery overwhelm him.  She wasn’t there.  He’d checked every room, every closet, every corridor.  He’d even forced himself to check the cells, though his pulse had begun to race as he approached them, a feeling of fear and rage washing over him as he wrenched open the door of his former prison.  Empty.  The whole damn place was empty.  

She was gone, she was really gone.  Always his own worst enemy, his brain flashed through the bad times, the times he’d caused her pain, both physically and emotionally, the times they’d fought, the times he’d left her alone.  God, since they’d moved into the safe zone, he’d barely been there for her at all, and the guilt was all-consuming.

Unless… a new hope sprung to life inside him, and he pushed himself to his feet once more.  What if she’d given up waiting and made her own way back?  She could be back at Alexandria right now, waiting for him, wondering where he was.  With a new sense of purpose, he set off again, pushing down the painful memories and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, on retrieving his bike and making his way back home to Y/N.

 

* * *

 

_‘No!’  He’d been leaning over Y/N for the last few minutes, watching helplessly as she tossed and turned, growing more agitated by the second, but the heart wrenching grief in the scream that woke her caused him physical pain, and he reached out to wrap her up in his arms.  'Daryl!’_

_'Hey,’ he rasped, rubbing his hand over her spine as she nestled in to his embrace, her body shaking in her distress.  ’S'okay, I’m right here.’_

_'Daryl, you died.’_

_‘I’m right here.’_

_‘No, you left me.’_

_‘I ain’t goin’ nowhere.  It was just a nightmare.’   He stroked her hair, rocking her gently as he sought to comfort her, hoping the solidity of him beside her would eventually reassure her and calm her racing heart._

_‘I can’t lose you!’_

_'Y'ain’t gonna.  I’m right here.’_

_'Please don’t leave me,’ she pleaded, pulling away from him and catching him off guard as her hand wrapped around the back of his neck and dragged his mouth to hers, her kiss desperate as her lips pressed urgently against  his._

_As she pulled away, he knew his expression must be full of confusion, not really understanding what it was she wanted from him, until the next words that fell from her lips._

_'I love you.’_

_He couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t let himself believe for even a second that her words were motivated by anything other than the residual terror of her dream._

_'Please, Daryl, please kiss me.  I won’t hold you to anything, I promise.  I just need you to be kissing me right now.’  Tears pooled in her eyes as she begged him, and his hunger for her took over, a low growl rumbling up his throat as he reached for her, cupping her face in his hands so he could tilt her head back, allowing him to cover her mouth fully with his own, weaving his fingers into her hair so he could hold her in place, scared she might come to her senses and push him away at any moment._

_He knew he was being greedy with her, devouring her until her breaths came out in ragged pants as she whispered to him between kisses, driving him on._

_'I need you…  I want you…’_

_He couldn’t stand the distance between their bodies anymore, rolling on top of her with a groan so that every inch of them was pressed together, his movements becoming more feral and frantic, though she was right there with him, her skin slick with sweat as she grasped at him, always trying to pull him closer, hold him tighter, as he explored her body, determined to find every secret place that would make her gasp and whimper his name._

_His control over her was ultimate, and he revelled in it as he watched her fall to pieces, a beautiful mess beneath his hands, as he toyed with her until he couldn’t take anymore, their clothes long since discarded as he hovered over her, seeking her permission._

_'Ya sure ya wan’ this?’_

_She nodded, and the glaze of her eyes, the flush of her cheeks as he gazed down at her, was everything he’d ever wanted.  God, he loved this girl._

_He lost himself in her, the world slipping away as they moved together, and he thought he’d never felt bliss like it before, never found someone he fit with quite like this.  He was acting on instinct, his actions driven by pure sensation and the little cries that came from beneath him, sure he must be hurting her, bruising her under his biting grip, but the need in her eyes told him it didn’t matter, that every touch now felt like heaven, pushing her towards the brink of ecstasy._

_As they tumbled over the edge together, her nails clawing at the taut muscles in his arms, she was all he could see, her scent enveloping him, the taste of her on his tongue, and he thought that if he died in that moment, he would have known what true happiness felt like.  He wasn’t a romantic, didn’t do feelings, laughed at the saps that rocked up to their girlfriends’ houses with flowers, but all of a sudden he got it.  This was it.  This was everything.  He wasn’t ever letting her go._

 

* * *

 

The gates of Alexandria loomed over Daryl as he approached them too fast, skidding to a halt inches away from the bars and pounding on them impatiently as he waited for them to slide back and grant him access.

Rick was the first person he saw as he dismounted, kicking the stand down, and running a hand through his hair, his breath coming in sharp bursts as he struggled to contain his emotions.  'Where is she?  She here?’

He saw the confusion flash across Rick’s face before concern furrowed his brow.  'No.  I thought…’

He’d thought she’d be with Daryl, that he’d gone to rescue her and bring her back home where she belonged.  But she hadn’t been there, and she wasn’t here, which had to mean…

_No._

_No._

_No._

He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t hold himself upright anymore as he collapsed to the ground and felt the world fall away.


	8. Chapter 8

You were running on autopilot, your brain checked out, switched off, letting your body do what it needed to to survive.  For the most part that had meant walking, for miles, unsure where you were going or what you were searching for.  You’d left the Sanctuary straight away after taking down the Savior that had killed Daryl.  He was a big guy, and you were pretty sure that the one strike against his skull wasn’t enough to have killed him, so you took off, running aimlessly into the woods, lost in your grief.  You’d been alone for a little while, back at the very beginning, but then you’d found the Dixon brothers, and later on the camp at the quarry.  When the prison had fallen, and you’d found yourself separated from the group, you’d motivated yourself with your hope that you’d find them, find the archer, knowing that they must be out there somewhere.  But now…  

Now it was all gone, as was your drive to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  What was the point in any of this when everyone you grew to love inevitably died.  How had it come to this?  It seemed that almost every other community you came across was twisted and corrupt, their humanity lost somewhere back when the dead started walking.  Was there anybody sane left in the world?  Was there anybody left at all?  

As the days rolled by, regret weighed heavy on your shoulders.  You wished you could go back and do everything again, do it differently.  The prison was the place you’d been most settled, most comfortable, but you’d wasted a lot of time there unwilling to admit the feelings that you had for Daryl, putting a brave face on it and playing at being his friend.  By the time you’d both come clean, it was too late.  The prison had been destroyed just a few hours after the first time you’d told him you loved him, and everything since then had felt like a battle.  No more lazy evenings together up in the guard tower, no more quiet meals cooked up by Carol in the cell block, no more open fields to wander in.  You hadn’t fully appreciated what you’d had whilst you’d been there, and then, just like Alexandria, it was gone, all of a sudden.

At least that time you’d found the group, been reunited with them all.  You could still see Daryl’s face when his eyes had locked on yours for the first time at Terminus, the love and relief.  You were like two halves of the same person, not functioning right unless you were together, and that was how you’d made it through everything that had come next: together.  You didn’t know how to do this without him.

 

* * *

 

_‘Hey, ya wanna get out of here?’  
_

_You stirred slightly from where you’d been dozing, resting against Daryl’s chest as he sat propped up against the end of a pew in the church.  You’d ended up there when the group had come to the rescue of a priest that had run into trouble in the woods, and now you were all waiting it out whilst Abraham, one of the trio that Glenn had met out on the road, tried to fix up a bus parked out front.  The plan was to head to Washington to deliver the scarily intelligent Eugene who, in theory, could restore the world to its past glory.  You weren’t sure you bought it.  It sounded like a pipe dream, but at that point you were still in the haze of happiness that came from being reunited with your family, willing to go along with whatever Rick, Daryl and the others thought was best._

_‘C’mon,’ Daryl nudged you again, and you felt his lips brush against the bare skin of your shoulder.  
_

_‘Alright, alright,’ you grumbled, easing yourself out from between his legs, and pushing yourself to your feet, not easy when your arm was still caught up in a makeshift sling which hung from your neck.  You’d broken your collarbone back before you’d found the group at Terminus, and it was proving to be a pain in the ass.  You pouted at him as you watched him lever himself up from the floor, but it quickly became a smile when he raised his eyebrows at you suggestively, before taking your hand and leading you out of the church._

_As you stepped out into the darkness, you collided with his warm body as he turned to face you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close.  ‘Tha’s better.’_

_‘What are you doing?’ you giggled, as he bent his head to nuzzle at your neck, his beard scratching against the sensitive skin, before pressing light kisses up to your ear.  
_

_‘Jus’ wanted some alone time with ya, tha’s all,’ he admitted.  ‘S’been kind of a weird day, an’ I jus’ wanted to check in, make sure yer okay.’  
_

_‘Yeah, sure,’ you smirked.  ‘That’s what you wanted.’  
_

_‘S’part o’ what I wanted.’  
_

_You shook your head at him, but reached your good arm up so you could wrap your hand around the back of his neck and pull his mouth down to meet yours.  It didn’t matter how many times you kissed Daryl, you would never get used to the effect he had on you, as he lips moved on yours, sending shivers down your spine and making your body tremble with anticipation.  Your hunger for the archer was still insatiable, but it was difficult to get any time alone with the group constantly on the move, and, as he pulled back from you, you whined in protest._

_‘C’mon.’  His fingers laced through yours as he moved away from the church, and you fell into step beside him as he wandered down the road.  ‘So, are ya doin’ okay?  I really did wanna ask.’_

_‘Yeah,’ you nodded.  ‘Yeah, I’m okay.  Tired and kinda sore still, but we’ve got a roof over our heads for the night at least.  Things could be worse.’  
_

_He grunted, chewing on his bottom lip, his mind obviously busy._

_‘What is it, D?’  
_

_‘I don’ know.  Somethin’ about that priest guy I don’ trust.  Somethin’ jus’ don’ feel good about the place.’  
_

_‘He’s a little creepy,’ you agreed.  ‘But we literally outnumber him like, ten to one.  I think we’re gonna be okay.’  
_

_When he didn’t respond, you carried on, voicing the concerns you’d been having about the archer.  ‘What about you?  You doing okay?  I know you’ve been… struggling, since Beth…’_

_His eyes met yours for a second before he turned his gaze back to the road before you.  ‘Yeah, yeah I’m alright.  Gotta be.  I just… I wish I knew what happened to ‘er is all.  Y’know, s’one thing t’ get bit or killed, but… people don’ jus’ vanish.  It ain’t right.’_

_You nodded slowly, wishing you knew what to say.  You could tell how much her loss was weighing on Daryl, but you didn’t have any suggestions or ideas on how to get her back.  How would you even know where to start?’  ‘I’m sorry.’_

_‘I don’t wanna think about it right now.’  
_

_‘No?’  
_

_‘Nah,’ he smirked, pushing his concern and guilt to the back of his mind, turning so that he was walking backwards in front of you, his stride confident as he reached out to grab your hips, pulling you into him.  You fell against his chest giggling, though you were grateful for the sling that protected your bad shoulder from being jostled too much.  ‘I wanna think about us.’_

_‘Careful, you goof!’ you chided him, though you couldn’t keep the smile from your face.  ‘I’m kinda broken here, remember?’  
_

_‘Shit, I’m sorry.’  He was immediately serious as he halted his steps, his eyes roaming over you as he searched for any sign that you were in pain.  ‘Yer okay, right?’  
_

_‘I’m fine,’ you reassured him.  ‘Just go gentle on me, please.’  
_

_Another lecherous grin.  ‘I ain’t promisin’ nothin’.’  
_

_Movement behind him caught your eye, and you peered over his shoulder to see Carol by the car you’d found earlier that afternoon, which you were sure had been Daryl’s ultimate destination.  Who said romance was dead?_

_‘Hey, Carol,’ you greeted her overly loudly, alerting Daryl to the fact that you had company.  ‘Fancy seeing you out here!’  
_

_She gave you a tight smile and nod of greeting, as the archer spun on his heel, his brow furrowing as he growled, ‘What are you doin’?’_

_You watched, growing increasingly worried as her mouth opened and closed for a few seconds, before she began to speak._

_‘I-’  
_

_She was cut off by the roar of an approaching engine, and you felt Daryl’s arm around your waist, dragging you out of the road, as a car tore past, its windows predominantly blacked out, with white crosses painted across the panes, standing out bright against the darkness._

_You heard the archer curse under his breath, and then he was heading for the car, smashing out the lights before sliding in to the drivers seat, motioning for you to get in.  ‘C’mon!  They’ve got Beth!’_

_Your eyes met Carol’s, but she just shrugged at you, obviously equally confused, as she slid into the back seat.  You joined them inside, pulling the belt tight across your body, as Daryl slammed his foot down on the accelerator, sending the vehicle lurching forwards, as he gave chase._

_‘You’re sure about this?’ you asked, steadying yourself with one hand on the dash.  ‘You’re sure they’re the ones that took Beth?’  
_

_‘Sure as anythin’.’  His eyes didn’t leave the road as he followed the glow of light that had disappeared around the next bend.  ‘Recognise them crosses anywhere.  They’re the ones that took ‘er.’  
_

_‘Then we’ll get her back.’  You rested your hand on his forearm, giving it a tight squeeze, before looking back at Carol.  ‘Wherever she is, we’ll bring her home.’_

 

* * *

 

When you remembered the tough times you’d been through before, it was always Daryl that stood out in your memory over the hardship and the hunger.  The little ways he’d make you smile, the reassuring touches of his hand on your shoulder, the safety that you felt knowing he was near.  You missed it now more than you could even explain.  You felt like you couldn’t breathe: not in the same way you did during a panic attack, unable to draw in air at all, but more like the oxygen you drew in to your lungs did nothing, failing to satisfy your need, to supply what your body required to keep going.  

As night began to fall, you found yourself beside an abandoned truck at the side of the road.  It was dank and dusty, but its windows were in tact, and the door was unlocked, so you hauled yourself up into the cab, and tucked yourself down into the footwell, out of sight of anyone that may pass by in the darkness, living or otherwise.  Your muscles complained at the cramped conditions, but you stretched your legs out over the raised central console to rest below the drivers seat and stuffed your pack behind your back to act as a lumpy and unsatisfying pillow.  It wasn’t much, but it was safer than being out on foot through the night, and so you cradled your pole, the only weapon you had, to your chest, and settled in to wait for morning.


	9. Chapter 9

‘Y'know we’re all here for you.’ Rick’s hand came to rest on Daryl’s shoulder. 'Whatever you need. You’ve just got to let us know.’

'What I need is to be left the hell alone,’ the archer snapped, yanking himself away from his friend’s touch, and turning to face him, his eyes flashing with anger. 'None of y'all know what it is I’m going through, not one of ya.’

'You think you’re the only one that’s lost someone?’ Rick bristled, images of Lori and Carl scrolling through his brain. 'You know how much has been taken from me, from Maggie-’

'But ain’t none of the people ya lost been yer fault! Imagine how it’d feel t’ know that Lori would still be alive if it weren’t for somethin’ stupid ya did! Could ya live with that, Rick? Could ya?’

His face was red with anger as he squared up to the sheriff, the muscles in his arms tensed and straining against the sleeves of his shirt, as he balled his fists.

'Daryl, you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know-’

'But I shoulda.  I shoulda known she’d find a way outta that damn cell, shoulda known she couldn’t take it!  And I shoulda stuck to the plan, but I jus’… I wanted it over.  I wanted her back.’

'We all did.’

Once again Rick reached out to the archer, and once again Daryl pulled roughly away. 'It ain’t the same. She was…’

He tailed off as tears stung his eyes, blinding him momentarily before he scrubbed them away with the back of his arm. 'She was all I had. She was all I wanted.’

'I know.’

'I don’ know how to do this without her, how to do any o’ this. E'rywhere I look in this damn place, I see her face. I can’t take it no more.’

'You thinking of leaving?’

'Ain’t just thinkin’, I’m goin’. Soon as it gets light, I’m takin’ off.’

'Daryl, you don’t have to-’

'Yeah,’ he bit out, dropping his gaze to the ground as he avoided Rick’s pitying stare. 'Yeah, I do.’

Rick nodded sadly, pausing before he walked away and left Daryl sitting alone on the porch. 'Well, we’ll be here whenever you’re ready to come home. There’ll always be a place for you with us.’

Daryl’s shoulders slumped as he watched the man he considered his brother turn his back on him and head off down the street. He knew he was testing everyone’s patience with the black cloud that seemed to follow him everywhere he went, but he couldn’t shake it. The guilt was all-consuming, the grief even more so, and with the two emotions eating him up inside, he had nothing left to offer the group. The only reason he hadn’t hurled himself in to a herd of walkers was cos he could imagine how pissed she’d be if she knew that the thought had even crossed his mind.

That was the type of person she’d been, always keeping him going when he got real dark, trying to lighten his mood, share his burden. The girl would have done anything for him. She was probably the first person in the world to have truly loved him, and now that she was gone, he didn’t know how to be that man anymore, the one that was worthy of her, the one that tried to do the right thing.

 

* * *

 

_'You okay?’_

_He’d thought Y/N was asleep, but her hoarse whisper in the darkness told him otherwise, and he tightened the arm he had wrapped around her, pulling her in close. They were in a temporary housing complex for abused women that Carol had known of from before, waiting for dawn so they could continue their search for Beth. The bottom bunk they lay on was too small really for both of them, but Y/N was curled so tightly against him that she was barely taking up any space. Carol’s breathing had finally evened out above them, reassuring him that at least one of them was getting some rest._

_'Yeah, I’m alright. Just wanna get this done.’_

_'I know.’ He felt her hair brush over his shoulder and then she was leaning up over him, her delicate features highlighted in the moonlight that shone in through the window. For a moment he studied her, the dark circles under her eyes, the downwards quirk of her lips, but then she ducked her head down to press her lips to his, and his worries drifted away. God, he could kiss her for hours and not get bored. He found her completely intoxicating, like a good bottle of whiskey, completely delicious and with a heat that spread through his veins and warmed every inch of him until his skin tingled._

_'Wha’s that for?’ he asked as she pulled away._

_'For being the kind of man that drops everything in a heartbeat to take off on some wild rescue mission. You’re still my hero, Daryl Dixon.’_

_He grunted, shifting beneath her weight until she settled back against his chest again. 'What about you? Ya doing okay?’_

_'Yeah.’ Her voice sounded forced and he kicked himself for bringing her out here, into the big city, without any sort of plan or back-up. 'I’ll be okay. I’m with you.’_

_And that was what it came down to. After losing her when the prison fell, Daryl had sworn that he’d never leave her side again, and since their reunion at Terminus she’d shadowed him everywhere. This was the first time that he felt it might have put her in danger though, and the responsibility weighed heavy on his shoulders._

_She cleared her throat before she spoke again, her words tentative as though she were struggling with stringing a sentence together. 'You and Beth… You obviously bonded out on the road… I mean, I can tell she meant a lot to you, or she means a lot to you, but… I… Daryl, what is she to you?’_

_'Hope.’ He answered instinctively, without any thought, and realised it was true. Beth had kept him going when he’d given up on finding any of the others alive. She was a little sunbeam of optimism and enthusiasm, and he’d found himself wanting to shelter her and make sure she never got beaten by the cruel world she’d found herself living in. She represented everything he’d never had, purity and innocence, a belief in the inherent good of people, and he’d felt the desperate need to protect those qualities, unable to bear the thought of her becoming worn and cynical like him._

_Y/N sighed, her breath ghosting over the sensitive skin of his neck and sending shivers down his spine. 'Okay.’_

_'Wha’s up, girl?’_

_'Nothing._

_'C'mon, talk to me.’_

_She sighed again, adjusting her position as her shoulder began to ache, her nose wrinkling as she flinched at the discomfort. 'I don’t know. I guess, you guys were out there alone together for so long, and now she’s gone, and you’ve been so… down and depressed, and… I guess I just wanted to know…’_

_She tailed off, and Daryl’s brow furrowed in confusion for a second, before the pieces fell into place and a quiet chuckle rumbled through his chest. 'Yer jealous?’_

_'No,’ she argued, though he could see the tell-tale flush of her cheeks when he glanced down at her. 'No, not jealous. I just… You obviously connected, and that’s… I just haven’t ever seen you get real close to anyone else before.’_

_'She’s just a kid.’_

_'She’s only a few years younger than me.’_

_'Agewise maybe. But she ain’t never lived, Y/N.’_

_'Neither had I, till I met you.’_

_Her voice was so small and uncertain that he felt every word like a pin in his heart, and he cupped her face, pulling her back up to him so he could force her to meet his gaze. 'She ain’t you.’_

_He wished he could force Y/N to feel how he felt about her, wished he knew the words to use to tell her that he hadn’t even felt like a real person before she’d come in to his life. He felt like he’d just been waiting for her, ready to look after her and love her and be whatever she needed him to be. But talking about feelings didn’t come easy to him, and she knew that._

_'I’m sorry,’ she husked, leaning her forehead against his, her eyes squeezed shut as she fought her embarrassment. 'I guess I am a little jealous.’_

_'Ya don’t gotta be. She ain’t you,’ he repeated._

_She fell silent then, cradled in his arms, and a little while later, he felt her settle, her head growing heavier against his chest.  He felt like he’d failed her in some way, by not being able to make her understand his feelings for Beth.  He could have told her he saw her as a little sister, but as that was the way he’d always seen Y/N in the beginning, he wasn’t sure it would help.  He would never have given a girl like Beth the time of day before Y/N came along and showed him that you had to give people a chance, let them surprise you.  How could she not just know that she was all he would ever want or need?_

 

* * *

_It had all been for nothing.  Beth was a dead weight in Daryl’s arms as he carried her out of the hospital, her head lolling back, the bullet hole a vivid red against her pale skin.  All he’d wanted was to keep her safe, bring her home, and it had backfired on him worse than he could’ve imagined.  He couldn’t help but think that had he not called on Rick and the others for help, had he just stayed out of it and left well enough alone, Beth might still be alive.  Sure, she might not be happy, might not be with her family, but she’d still be warm and breathing, and that would have meant that there was a chance for her.  Now, she lay cold and still in his arms, and his heart felt heavy._

_Y/N was at his side, though he couldn’t look at her.  Even through his tears, her beat-up state caused a physical ache in his chest: the way she held her body rigid, fighting against the pain he knew must be shooting through her with every step; the gash on the top of her head that was in bad need of patching up, possibly even stitching if they had the supplies to do it.  As the walkers had jostled the van they’d taken refuge in off the side of the bridge, sending it tumbling towards the road below, Daryl had cradled her against his chest, trying with all his strength to shield her from the impact, but the fall was further than he’d judged and they’d landed hard, thrown forward so that her ribs were crushed against the dash, and her head glanced off the crumpled roof.  Just another failure to add to his list.  He’d wanted her to stay behind when they’d come back out, but she’d refused, and he knew it was because she was worried about him.  He shouldn’t have let her come._

_He didn’t think he’d ever forget the look on her face when he’d reacted, taking aim and blowing the murdering bitch’s brains out.  It was like she didn’t know who he was, like he must be a stranger to be able to kill with so little thought.  God, if it had been her instead of Beth, he’d have put a bullet in all of them, but he’d felt her hand on his arm, holding him back, grounding him as he fought against the rage and grief that were simmering beneath his skin._

_A howl of pain broke through his thoughts, and he blinked to clear his vision, wishing he hadn’t when he saw Maggie, collapsed on the floor, her body wracked with sobs as she stared.  He’d done this, robbed her of the last real relation she had left, and it had turned his blood to ice._

 

* * *

 

_‘Hey, look at me.’_

_The group was waiting again, holed up in the woods beside the road, whilst Rick, Michonne, Glenn and Tyreese had gone on ahead with Noah, another captive of the hospital that had held Beth, to see if his family were still alive.  Daryl knew they wouldn’t be, but he didn’t have any better suggestions of what to do next, so he’d just shrugged when Rick had put the idea to him, before retreating further into the woods.  He was finding it hard to be around the group, felt like they were watching him with judgement in their eyes, blaming him, hating him, so he dropped to the ground at the foot of a tree a short distance away, out of sight, and let his head drop back against the trunk as he took a long drag on the cigarette he held between his fingers.  His eyes were closed when he heard footsteps approaching, but the sound of Y/N’s voice as a body dropped to the ground beside him grabbed his attention, and he did as she asked._

_‘I’m worried about you,’ she continued as his eyes locked on hers.  ‘I hate seeing you like this, D.’  
_

_‘I ain’t like nothin’,’ he argued, immediately defensive, though he knew that he was being distant.  ‘I’m just mindin’ my own and gettin’ a lil’ peace.  Can’t think with e’ryone burstin’ into tears e’ry five minutes.’  
_

_She didn’t react, knowing him too well to take offence at his words.  ‘D, come on.  Would you please just stop pushing me away?  I know you’re hurting.’_

_‘D’ya know how to make it stop?  Cos if not, then it don’t really matter.’  
_

_She reached over and plucked his cigarette from his fingers, grinding it out against the ground, before swinging herself round to straddle his legs, settling herself in his lap, and grimacing slightly at the movement._

_‘You can talk to me.  That might make it stop, at least a little.’_

_‘I got a better idea.’  He reached up to lace his hand into her hair, already falling out of its messy ponytail, and pulled her face to his, attacking her mouth with hard, frenzied kisses.  He knew that she wouldn’t want this, that she wouldn’t think it was the best way to handle things, but at that moment it seemed like the only way to get the voices in his head to shut up.  There was something about her that allowed him to get completely wrapped up in her, losing himself in her little gasps as his teeth found her bottom lip, the way her hand tightened around his bicep before sliding up to tug at the hair that fell over his neck.  She was like a tonic to his emotions, and he felt his spirit lift as he levered himself upright, still holding her against him, careful not to crush her bruised ribs.  To his surprise, she wrapped her legs around his waist holding herself up with her good arm around his shoulders, kissing him back with just as much hunger.  Maybe she needed this as much as he did.  
_

_He turned so he could press her against the tree, fighting to keep control, fully aware of just how broken his girl was after the last few days, but God, she drove him crazy, and all he really wanted to do was claim her, to let her make him feel human again.  The little sigh she made as his fingers danced up her thigh was all the permission he needed, and he moved his hand to the button of her jeans, completely ready and willing to forget, just for a little while._

 

* * *

 

As the first rays of morning sun danced over the top of the fences, Daryl shouldered his bag and his bow, and made his way to the gates. He didn’t look back.  He’d only stayed as long as he had for Y/N, and for his family, and now it felt like there was nothing left: she was gone, and the group had been ravaged by the war with the Saviors.  Some of them he barely recognised.  Hell, he barely recognised himself.  The things he’d done in the fight, the people he’d killed, haunted him now.   He could feel their blood on his hands, sticky and warm as it trickled over his wrists.  And what for?  Nothing!   He’d been fighting for her, and he’d killed her in the process.

He didn’t know where he was heading as he broke away from the road and moved deeper into the forest.  But he felt freer already, away from the pity and expectations of Rick and Carol and the others.  He knew it came from a good place, that they just wanted him to be okay, but he couldn’t just shut his pain away this time.  It was too intense.  So, he walked, for miles, for days, for as long as it took to outrun the feeling that he’d failed them all.


	10. Chapter 10

It had been weeks since you’d last seen another living person. You had no idea where you were anymore, whether you were headed towards somewhere new or simply walking in circles.  The balls of your feet ached from the miles you’d covered, and your body was weak with exhaustion and malnourishment, your mind playing tricks on you as scenes from the past scrolled through your head.  Sometimes, these hallucinations provided a welcome break from reality, but when you came back to earth the realisation of your current situation made everything ten times worse.  Better to keep moving, pushing onwards.

You’d left the road behind some time ago, preferring to take your chances in the forest where you could at least forage for berries and edible plants.  Daryl had taught you well, and you were grateful for the knowledge, as you knew what was safe to eat and what you should steer clear of.  You only wished you were better armed, or that you could find a place to take shelter and pause for a while, so that you might stand a chance of catching some wildlife, something you could strip down and gnaw on, but it hadn’t happened yet.  You hadn’t realised how much you’d relied on Daryl’s skills until you were forced to survive without them.  You knew they’d been a pleasant perk, the novelty of fresh meat, but actually, the energy that you’d drawn from his kills had been invaluable.  Just something else to add to the list of a million things that you missed about him.

The light was fading as you picked your way through the trees, eyes scanning your surroundings for somewhere to settle for the night.  You slowed your pace, moving more tentatively, as you found yourself approaching a clearing, the undergrowth thinning out underfoot, the last of the daylight glowing through the leaves.  As you reached the treeline, you had to stifle your gasp as your gaze fell on some sort of large timber barn, with a wide gravel track leading up to it.  The front was open, and you could see a crowd of walkers milling around the bottom floor, but there was another level above them that was packed with crates, though the ladder leading up to it was a no-go, both because of the corpses that stood in the way, and its dilapidated state.  

The idea that the crates might contain some sort of food or supplies spurred you on, as you skirted around the edge of the trees, keeping to the shadows, using the oncoming darkness to your advantage as you slipped around to the rear of the building.  No ladder there at all, but the overhanging branch of one of the trees that bordered the clearing would get you pretty close to the empty window.  You had to try.  You were desperate, and this was the best chance you’d had in over a month to actually find something of use.  Tucking your pole into your backpack, you approached the tree, letting out a quiet grunt of frustration at how high the lowest limb was.  You had to dig the toe of your boot into the bark, praying that it would give you enough purchase as you pushed off hard from the ground, launching yourself upwards, and wrapping your fingers around the rough wood, heaving your body up until you could lean on the branch with your arms, and hook your ankle up and over.  

It was easier after that, though the branch that you needed to shimmy along to get you close to the window of the upper floor bent worryingly under your weight, less sturdy than it had looked from below.  You found yourself gritting your teeth as you edged your way along it, feeling certain that at any point you were likely to fall, not only breaking a bone or two, but drawing the attention of the gathered undead.  When it came time to jump, you wanted to squeeze your eyes shut, wishing more than anything that Daryl was there to tell you what to do, or to go first so that his strong arms would be reaching out to catch you.  But you forced yourself to remain calm, to focus, your eyes locked on your target.  

A deep breath…

…Then another.

With a strength driven by pure determination and hunger, you threw yourself across the gap towards the building, hitting against the wood with a loud thud as your fingertips curled over the window ledge.  Your arms were trembling from the strain of supporting your weight, but you fought with all you had to drag yourself up and through the frame, crashing to the floor on the other side.  So much for not drawing attention to yourself.  You lay there for a moment, winded, but eventually curiosity got the better of you, and you rolled to your knees, crawling towards the nearest crate.  You’d expected it to maybe be nailed down, but it wasn’t, and the lid lifted away easily in your hands.  

_Nothing._

You moved on to the next, and the next.

_Empty._

_Nothing at all._

‘Shit.’

All of that energy, energy you didn’t have to spare, wasted for nothing. 

Another crate over in the shadows of the far corner caught your eye, and you levered yourself to your feet, and made your way over to it, wincing with every creak of the boards as you crept across the floor.

You’d made it maybe a metre away from your last hope, when the creaking turned into a deafening splintering noise, and the ground beneath your feet gave way.

 

* * *

 

_Your family had suffered too many losses in such a short space of time.  So many had been lost when the prison fell, and the group felt less welcoming somehow without Hershel’s easy smile and gentle manner, and now Beth and Tyreese…  It was more than any of you could take.  The newcomers had slotted in easily, though they hadn’t filled the void that had been left, and the revelation that Eugene was not in fact a scientist who held the secrets to restoring civilisation had dashed the last hope that some people so badly needed, Abraham in particular it seemed.  You walked in silence, all of you drained of the energy or desire to converse.  Surviving: that was all you were doing now._

_The only thing that kept you going, kept you putting one foot in front of the other, was Daryl’s hand wrapped around your own.  No matter how long you’d been walking, how hot the sun was that beat down on the top of your heads, his fingers would remain laced through yours, as if he was drawing strength from you.  The feel of his calloused thumb rubbing over your knuckles warmed your heart, burning through the depression that threatened to sink down over you and smother you, fending off the demons and the sense of hopelessness.  You still had him, and he loved you, and that was reason enough to keep trying._

_As Rick held up his hand to indicate that it was time to take a break, Daryl slipped away from you, and you turned to see him making his way off into the trees.  Carol’s eyes met yours as she too watched the retreating archer, and she nodded at you, before breaking away from the group to follow him.  You sighed, hoping he might talk to her.  He sure as hell wasn’t talking to you._

_Flopping to the ground, stretching your shoulder tentatively, you tilted your head back, though even with your eyes closed, the relentless sun was too bright for comfort.  Your clothes were sticking to your skin, and you could feel sweat trickling down the back of your neck.  God, what you wouldn’t give for a nice, cold shower._

_‘It’s too hot.’  
_

_You glanced up at Carl as he stood over you, removing his hat to run his fingers through his hair.  He was so grown up now, so different from the little boy you’d played pretend with the last time you’d been out on the road, eliciting manic giggles from him as his mom had watched on, bemused.  So much had changed since then._

_‘Sure is, buddy.’  You patted the parched earth beside you, cocking your head to one side.  ‘Pull up a chair.  Plenty of space for everyone.’  
_

_He smirked at you, but dropped to the floor at your side, his eyes scanning the rest of the group as they moved off, seeking patches of shade to pause under for a little while._

_‘You doing okay?’ you asked him.  ‘I feel like I haven’t checked in with you for a little while.’  
_

_‘I’m alright,’ he replied, giving you a sad smile.  ‘I’m alive.  That’s alright these days, isn’t it?’  
_

_‘I guess so.’  You let out a small chuckle though it really wasn’t funny.  ‘I’ve seen the way you’re looking out for Maggie.  It’s really sweet of you, kid.’_

_‘I just want to make her smile, that’s all,’ he admitted.  ‘Everyone’s so sad all the time.’  
_

_‘You’re not sad?’  
_

_‘I’m alive, and so’s my Dad, and Judith, and you, and Daryl, and everyone else here.  It’s sad that we’ve lost people, it is, but… We’re alive.’  
_

_‘You’re kinda wise, you know that?’  
_

_He scoffed, but you saw his cheeks colour beneath his hair, which flopped forward over his face as he dug at the dirt with a stick.  You reached over to ruffle it, laughing as his hat fell to the ground._

_‘When are we gonna cut this, anyway?’ you teased him.  ‘You’re starting to look like a tearaway.’  
_

_‘We don’t have any scissors!’  
_

_‘Your dad’s got a machete though, right?  I reckon I could do it with that.  You’d look cute with no ears!’_

_He nudged you, and you giggled at the smile that had painted over his features, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and planting a kiss on the top of his head._

_‘I’m glad you’re here, buddy.’_

 

* * *

 

_You were curled up with Daryl against the doors of the barn that the group had taken shelter in, leaning back against the wood as you watched him fiddle with the music box that Carl had found for Maggie on a run.  It was still dark out, but you were wide awake, too shaken by the herd of walkers that had tried to break the doors down a couple of hours before, riled up by the storm that had passed overhead, so you sat by the archer’s side and waited for morning._

_He was working in silence, digging his knife into the inner mechanism as he tried to fix the trinket, but when he glanced up and met your eyes, he set it to one side, and reached for you, pulling you into his lap so you could lean against his chest and bury your face into the crook of his neck._

_‘I love you,’ you whispered, your lips brushing against his skin.  ‘I know that doesn’t mean a lot right now, with everything that’s going on, but I love you so much.’  
_

_He pulled away from you so he could meet your gaze, his thumb stroking over the curve of your waist as he frowned at you, chewing on his bottom lip, before rasping, ‘What d’ya mean that don’t mean a lot right now?  It means e’rything, Y/N.’_

_‘It doesn’t feel like it.  I just wish I knew what to do, D.  I hate seeing you like this and I don’t know how to take the pain away.’  
_

_‘This,’ he answered simply, tightening his grip on you, so that your bruised ribs throbbed, though you tried hard not to flinch, not wanting to draw his attention away from the fact that he was finally opening up to you a little.  ‘Jus’ holdin’ ya helps, I promise.  I love ya, girl.  M’sorry I ain’t been actin’ like it.’_

_‘Don’t apologise.  I just need to know that you’re gonna be okay.’  
_

_‘Long as you ain’t plannin’ on leavin’ me anytime soon, I’m gon’ be fine.’  
_

_‘I’m not going anywhere,’ you reassured him, trailing your fingers down his cheek, before pressing a soft kiss to his mouth, sighing when his hand laced into your hair, keeping you in place as his tongue traced over your bottom lip.  ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, D.’  
_

_‘Y’ain’t never gonna have t’ find out.’_

 

* * *

 

For a moment, you were too shocked to move, sprawled on the ground towards the back of the barn, every bone in your body aching.  But then the groans around you got louder, and you felt pointy fingers raking down your arm.

_No, no, no, no, no._

You dragged yourself away from the reaching corpse, pushing yourself to your feet, a curse slipping from your lips as you felt every set of eyes in the building on you, ravenous with hunger.

You reached for the pole in your backpack, wielding it before you as you backed away from the undead, but there was nowhere to go.  The only way out was through them, and there were too many, all getting nearer, their jaws snapping together as they jostled for position, their fingers clasping, grasping as they reached for you.

Forcing yourself to take deep breath, you sprang into action, ducking under the outstretched arm of the nearest biter, and swinging your weapon at the skull of the next walker you collided with, sending it flying backwards, taking the two immediately behind it down too.  More were coming, stumbling out of the woods as you fought, drawn by the noise, and you cursed again as you realised that you might not get out of this.

 _It could be your way out_ , a traitorous voice whispered in your head, but you shook the idea off, determined not to give in.  He would never forgive you if you gave in.   _I can do this._

A barrage of gunfire had you dropping to your knees, shielding yourself from the flying bullets as the corpses around you fell, one by one, like dominoes.  The sound was deafening, and you pressed your hands against your ears, scanning the treeline as you tried to figure out who was shooting.  As the last body dropped, you eased yourself to your knees, waiting to find out if this was a friend or another enemy.  You still couldn’t see them, lost in the darkness, and they could shoot you where you knelt if they wanted to.  

But they didn’t.


	11. Chapter 11

Being free of the fences of Alexandria suited Daryl.  There was no one to judge him because he didn’t talk like they did, or because he always had a fine layer of dirt covering his skin.  It had felt to him a lot like being back in his hometown when he was a boy, on the receiving end of sideways glances and lowered voices, as he rode his bike along the street.  Everybody judged the Dixon family.  He’d left that bitterness and discomfort behind a long time ago, around about the time Y/N had accepted him unconditionally into her life, but it had come back with a vengeance in the suburban hell that was the Safe Zone.  It had been all too clear to him what the place was on the second day, when he’d heard some lady whining at the group that had just come back from a run because they hadn’t managed to find her a pasta maker.  God, he’d wanted to but an arrow through her head, stupid bitch.  Didn’t she realised the world had ended?  They oughta to send her out to find her own goddamn pasta maker if it was that important to her.  

Out in the forest, he only had himself to answer to, to look out for.  He hunted and scavenged while it was light, usually managing to find enough to make up one decent meal a day, and eventually he came across a little cabin that he set about boarding up and reinforcing to make it habitable and safe.  It was empty of furniture, but he was comfortable enough on the floor, and he found a freshwater stream a couple of miles away, which he visited daily.  To some he may have looked like he was thriving, and in survival terms, he probably was.  Daryl had always been good at keeping himself alive.  But mentally, he was shot.  He’d suppressed his guilt and grief over Y/N, and they had festered inside of him, leaving him with a simmering rage that threatened constantly to boil over.  More than once, he’d lost it in the middle of the night, striking out at the walls, the floor, his own skin, just to get the aggression out.

It was how he knew that he’d done the right thing in leaving Alexandria behind.  Had he still been there, he’d be lashing out at his family, hurting good people, and he couldn’t stand the idea of that.  Out in the woods, he was isolated, completely alone.  It was the only way he could trust himself, the impulse to kill coming too easily since the war.  So, on the morning that he woke and heard voices from somewhere out in the trees, threatening to invade his privacy and destroy what he’d built, he saw red.

 

* * *

 

_‘I got the area covered.’  Daryl shouldered his crossbow, moving towards the door without a backwards glance at the hostage that he’d just secured to one of the wooden struts in the barn, hearing footsteps immediately behind him and knowing Y/N was close on his heels.  He was glad.  He could see what the tension in the group was doing to her nerves, and he wanted to get her alone, to check in with her and make sure she was okay._

_Since their brief talk in the early hours of the morning, he’d felt a thaw set in in his heart.  He’d been shutting his emotions down, trying to hide from his pain at Beth’s death, but by doing so he’d pushed Y/N away too, finding comfort in her arms but unable to appreciate that she was trying to support him, to help him get through the loss.  Carol had told him he needed to let himself feel it, and she was right.  Last night, after he’d tried to make things right with his girl, she’d fallen asleep in his arms, and he’d cried silently into her hair until he felt purged, his soul raw and exposed.  He knew it wasn’t enough, but it was a good first step._

_As he scoured the surroundings for a good vantage point, he heard the other members of the group follow them out, splitting off into pairs as they filtered off into the trees.  The clearing around the barn was like something out of a disaster movie, the previous night’s storm having caused a lot of damage, and the groans of trapped walkers filled the air.  An uprooted tree provided some height, and he levered himself up on to it, shimmying along until he had a fairly good view of at least one side of the building, and reaching out to Y/N, who had managed to hoist herself up on to the lower end, pulling her along towards him, trying not to jostle her arm or her bruised ribs.  The poor girl must just hurt constantly, he thought.  She shifted so easily at the slightest force, weighing next to nothing in his arms, and his brow creased as he took in the gauntness of her face.  The whole group had acquired the same hollow-cheeked, pallid-skinned look, and he knew that something had to give sometime soon or they were gonna be in trouble._

_‘What is it with you and me and trees, D?’  Y/N was smirking at him as she adjusted herself, trying to find a comfortable position against the rough bark.  
_

_He smiled back at her, remembering the first time he’d taken her out hunting, running straight into a herd of walkers and having to take refuge in the high branches above their heads.  He’d felt so protective over her that day, wanting desperately to keep her safe.  ‘I jus’ like gettin’ ya out of yer comfort zone.’_

_‘Right now, moving is out of my comfort zone,’ she grumbled, fidgeting again.  
_

_‘C’mere,’ he beckoned her, swinging his bow further round on his back and opening his arms for her to slide into, but she shook her head.  
_

_‘You need to be ready, just in case.’  
_

_He sighed, but didn’t argue.  He knew she was right.  The random guy tied up inside had set the whole group on edge, tracking them as he had, bombarding them with talk of a safe zone, a community with fences and houses and people.  Rick had wanted to put a bullet in his head and, if Daryl was being honest, he’d felt the same, but Michonne had wanted to check out the situation further before making any decisions, and so she’d taken a few people to scout out his vehicles.  If she was wrong, they could be ambushed any second._

_‘What d’ya make of all this?’ he asked, interested on Y/N’s point of view.  She was a little like him, preferring her own company, struggling in large groups and isolating herself, but she was also nervous, uncomfortable in the outside world.  She was as skilled a fighter as any of them, but her anxiety had become a massive issue in her head, and he wondered if she missed the security of the prison fences for that reason.  
_

_‘I don’t know what to make of it,’ she admitted.  ‘I mean… it kinda sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it?’  
_

_‘Sounds safe, if he ain’t makin’ it all up.’  
_

_‘Maybe, but we thought that about the prison, and look how that turned out.  I don’t think anywhere’s really safe anymore.’  
_

_He shrugged.  ‘The road certainly ain’t.  I don’t think some of us are gon’ last much longer if we don’t at least find somewhere to rest up soon.’_

_‘I woulda thought you’d be totally against this.’  She frowned at him, confused.  ‘You sound like you’re trying to talk me into it.’  
_

_‘I am against it.  I prefer bein’ out here, s’where I belong.  But if it’s better for you ‘n’ for them…’  He gestured vaguely around the woodland where the group was spread out, waiting.  ‘Then it’s what we gotta do.’_

_‘How many people do you think there are?’  
_

_‘I dunno.  That worry ya?’  
_

_‘A little.’  Her face was creased with worry, and he longed to reach over to her and massage the frown lines away.  ‘I’m not much of a people person, in case you hadn’t noticed.’  
_

_‘Somehow, I’d figured it out.’  He smiled at her, and saw her relax a little as she met his gaze.  ‘Long as we stick together, we’ll be fine, alright?’  
_

_She nodded, looking away to scan over the building.  ‘You don’t think Rick’s gonna kill him, do you?’_

_‘I think he’s too scared of ‘Chonne.’  
_

_She giggled, and he felt a little burst of satisfaction.  ‘Yeah, that’s probably true.  Do you think there’s something going on there?’_

_‘Nah,’ Daryl scoffed.  ‘They’re just friends.’  
_

_‘Like us, you mean?’  
_

_‘Nah, girl,’ he winked at her, his voice a soft rasp against the rustle of leaves.  ‘Nothin’ like us.’  
_

_When her cheeks coloured, and she turned away, he took a moment to appreciate the quirk of her lips, the curl of her hair as it settled over her shoulders.  She was like a damn angel, so pretty he could cry.  How had he ever got this lucky?_

_‘So, you checked in with Maggie or Sasha lately?’ he asked, trying to distract his thoughts from wanting to hold her, and voice his concerns about the two most fragile members of the group, both hurting bad following their losses._

_‘I’ve tried.’  She shrugged.  ‘I’m getting cold-shouldered a little.  It’s like they think I don’t understand, like they think I haven’t been through what they’re going through.’  
_

_‘Ya have though, right?  Yer folks…’  
_

_‘Yeah, I have.  I guess it’s hard to remember that when they’re in so much pain though.  Grief is pretty selfish.’  
_

_‘How’d ya mean?’  
_

_‘All you really think about when you’re grieving is how bad you feel.  You don’t care about anyone else, and you don’t want them to make you feel better because you don’t want to feel better.  You want to wallow in it, let it eat you up, because somehow that proves you cared.  It doesn’t do any good for the person that’s gone.  It’s all about you.’  
_

_When Daryl thought about it, her words made a lot of sense, and he could relate to them more than he’d like to admit.  Still, the fact that she’d pretty much described exactly how he’d been feeling reassured him that she wasn’t taking it personally, being pushed away, the distance he was holding himself at.  She’d been there too._

_‘So, when they get back, if they get back,’ Y/N interrupted his thoughts, her focus back on the group that had gone out to investigate.  ‘If they find out he’s telling the truth, are we going?’  
_

_‘Sup to Rick, ain’t it.’  
_

_‘I’m not talking about the group,’ she admitted, her eyes fixed on the ground below.  ‘I’m talking about you and me.’  
_

_‘Ya’d really come away with me if I didn’ wanna go?’  
_

_‘Of course.’  Her answer was so immediate, as if he’d asked a stupidly simple question, and his heart panged as he looked at her, realising again what she was willing to sacrifice for him if he asked her.  It was exactly the reason he wouldn’t ever ask her.  
_

_‘S’okay, Y/N, I ain’t gonna ask ya to do that.  If Rick says we’re goin’, then we’re goin’.  We’re stronger together.’  
_

_She reached forward, finding his hand and lacing her fingers through his, giving him a small smile as she whispered, ‘Yeah, we are.’_

 

* * *

 

As the snapping of twigs underfoot and the rustling of leaves moved nearer, Daryl crouched by the boarded up window, peering through the tiny gap to see if he could locate the cause of the noises.  He could see movement, but couldn’t make out any figures until one emerged from behind a dense bush, maybe twenty metres away.  He was armed, but his gun was slung over his shoulder, not raised, and he was ambling casually, seemingly without a care in the world.  Daryl could hear the drone of his voice, though not what he was saying, and moments later, another man appeared behind him.

 _Don’t stop_ , Daryl urged them silently.   _Move on by.  I just wanna be left alone here._

But they were stopping, their eyes scanning over his cabin, searching for signs of life, though Daryl frequently made sure there were none.  He cursed under his breath as they began to make their way over, the thud of their boots loud against the wooden boards of the steps that led up to the door. 

‘Ya think anyone’s living here?’ a voice asked, but there was only a grunt in response.  Daryl saw the handle inch down, though he’d jammed the door shut with a thick stick, giving him time to edge towards the back of the room, his bow raised as he readied himself for the invasion.  He’d learnt before that you didn’t let new people just waltz in to your home.  It was kill or be killed now.  

‘Door’s stuck.’

‘Kick it down!’

A loud crash, and it flew back against the wall, the wood splintering under the impact.

‘What the-’

Daryl’s finger twitched and an arrow shot across the room, embedding itself into the skull of the man that had just destroyed his home.  Another twitch, and the other one dropped too, tumbling backwards down the stairs and landing in a heap on the forest floor.

‘Fuckin’ assholes,’ Daryl muttered to himself as he strode towards the bodies, retrieving his arrows and wiping them clean on the leg of his pants.  

Movement in his peripheral vision had him instantly alert again, and he turned just in time to see a third man, tall and built, launch himself forward, his fist colliding with Daryl’s face and sending pain flooding down his jaw as he fell to the ground.  More pain as a steel-toed boot collided with his ribs, again and again, until he thought he might pass out.  

And then a different sort of pain, as he spotted the three women huddled between the trees, several children crowded around them, all of them watching in horror, whilst the woman closest to him, the only one he could see clearly through his blurred vision, cradled her swollen stomach, tears spilling down her cheeks.  

_Shit._

Overwhelming guilt was the last thing Daryl felt before everything went black.


	12. Chapter 12

Shadows were moving towards you in the darkness as you levered yourself upright, raising your hands above your head though your fingers remained white-knuckle tight around your metal pole.  You were poised on the balls of your feet, ready to launch into fight or flight should the need arise, waiting as your rescuers approached.  The floor of the barn was littered with corpses and, as your eyes scanned over the bodies, you marvelled at the accuracy of their shots, each one taken down by a single bullet through the skull.  These people knew what they were doing, probably the only reason you were still alive right now.  

You’d been moments away from giving up when the gunfire rang out from the treeline.  You’d lost your will to live somewhere out on the road, though your body’s survival instincts remained stubborn, keeping you fighting when all you really wanted was for it all to be over.  You knew Daryl would be furious with you if he knew the route your thoughts had taken, could see his face growing red as he paced before you, his gravelly voice growling, ‘ _What the hell d’ya think yer doin’?  Yer just gon’ give up cos o’ me?  Fuck, girl, snap out of it._ ’  It wasn’t that easy though.  Without him the world was bleak and cold and hard, and you were so nearly done with it.

‘You doing okay in there?’  A voice rang out from the approaching strangers, and you strained your eyes, but you still couldn’t make out much about the figures that were cautiously edging towards the barn.  There seemed to be seven of them, and you could see the outlines of rifles through the gloom, though they were held casually, not aimed at you as you’d originally thought.  

You didn’t respond, waiting, watching.  You were so mistrustful of people now, after the war.  You were expecting them to swing their weapons up and fire at any second, though you were trapped and armed only with your length of pipe.  You were completely at their mercy.

‘Gosh, that was quite a pickle you got yourself into there, wasn’t it?  You’re lucky we came along when we did, or you’d have been not long for this world.’

You could just make out the speaker now, a short, stocky woman with fair hair streaked with silver.  Her eyes were roaming over you, though you knew she wouldn’t be able to make out much with the distance between you.

‘You’re not bit, are you?  I was going to offer to take you back with us, get you fed and cleaned up, but if you’re bit…  Well, we’d have to go to plan B.’

You moved forward to meet her, hesitant but with little other choice. 

‘No, I’m not bit,’ you rushed to reassure her, fully aware that plan B would probably be to stick a knife through your brain.  ‘Just a little sore.’

It was true.  Your body ached from where you’d hit the ground, and just moving towards the newcomers was sending pain spasming through your joints.  The older woman reached out a hand to squeeze your arm, letting it drop immediately when she saw you flinch away from her touch.

‘You look like you’ve had a rough time of it,’ she observed, seeming to be the leader of the group, or at least their spokesperson.  ‘We’ve got a camp, not far from here.  You can join us there, if you’re willing.  We’ve got food, shelter, people.  You’ll be safe there, honey.’

You paused for a moment, weighing up your options, but the reality was that you had none.  You were exhausted and starving and hurt, and you needed somewhere to rest, where you could get your strength back.  If that was what was on offer, you couldn’t refuse it.

‘Okay,’ you nodded, loosening your grip on the pipe, your shoulders slumping as the tension left your body.  ‘Okay, I’ll go with you.’

 

* * *

 

_Your first impression of Alexandria was that it reminded you of the neighborhood you used to cycle through on your way to work when you’d been at college.  It was pure middle-class suburbia, and the people that peered at you from their doorways looked untouched by the world ending.  The looks that your group were attracting almost made you laugh, as noses were turned up at your grubby, dishevelled state.  It was eerie, like going back in time to the way things had been before, and you felt uncomfortable in your own skin, like you didn’t belong.  But, as much so you hated the judgement and the pity that were being bestowed upon you, your eyes kept drifting back to the fences.  They were high, strong, better even than the ones you’d had at the prison.  You could build a life here._

_You were still gathered by the gate, watched over by Aaron and the guy who’d been on guard duty when you’d arrived.  Rick had been led away to speak with Deanna, the lady in charge, and would hopefully be back soon to give his verdict on whether or not the group was moving in.  You weren’t sure what you wanted that verdict to be, but you trusted him to do the right thing by all of you._

_Daryl had dropped to sit on the edge of the pavement, pulling his knife from his belt and pressing the tip against the tarmac, twirling it around in his fingers.  He fiddled when he was nervous, and your heart went out to him.  If you were feeling out of place, it must be so much worse for him._

_Approaching him, you kicked his knife gently to one side, opening his arms up so you could sink into his lap, wrapping your hand around the back of his neck so you could kiss him, feeling more at home as soon as the taste of him hit your tongue._

_‘You okay?’ you asked as you pulled away, leaning your forehead against his as he adjusted his legs beneath you._

_‘Feel like a damn freak show,’ he muttered, and you noticed that the tips of his ears had turned pink.  ‘S’like bein’ caught in a time warp or somethin’.’  
_

_You nodded in agreement, catching yourself glaring in the direction of the house across the street as the curtain twitched.  ‘I reckon most of these people have been here since the start.  They’re probably just curious.’_

_‘Yeah, well, I ain’t nobody’s star attraction.  An’ if they think I’m gon’ sit ‘n’ be interviewed by the boss lady, they got a hope in hell.  I ain’t got nothin’ to say.’_

_‘Maybe they’ll let us go in together,’ you suggested, but he shook his head.  
_

_‘I ain’t doin’ it.’  He was determined, his jaw set, and you could see there was no point in arguing._

_‘Well, I’ll just tell her you’re the strong silent type then.’  You were trying to force a smile from him, but if anything, his frown deepened._

_‘You actually wanna talk to her?’  
_

_‘No,’ you admitted.  ‘No, I don’t want to, but I will if I have to, for the group.  I think we need this place, D.’  
_

_‘We don’t need nothin’ but each other.  We’ve done alright so far, ain’t we?’  
_

_You sighed, changing tack as your eyes settled on Judith who was cradled in Carl’s arms.  She was burbling happily, her eyes big and bright._

_‘Look at her, Daryl,’ you murmured, gesturing towards the child.  ‘She’s so young.  She could have a normal childhood here.  She could have a chance.  If I have to be quizzed on my intentions for a half hour to give her that, then I will.’  
_

_He was chewing on his bottom lip when you glanced over at him to see if your words were sinking in, and you knew that he was processing what you were saying._

_‘D, back at the barn, you were the one trying to convince me that we’d be safer here, weren’t you?’_

_‘That was ‘fore I saw the place.  They wanna take our guns away, Y/N!  How can ya feel safe like that?’  
_

_‘Okay, so they’re kinda naive,’ you conceded.  ‘But it’s obviously worked for them.  Look at this place!’  
_

_‘I don’ like it.’  
_

_‘Well, I think we need to give these people a chance.’_

 

* * *

_‘So, how long have you been with the group exactly?’  Deanna was a force to be reckoned with as she sat before you, her face nonchalant, though her tone was firm and business-like.  
_

_‘Erm, I’m not sure.  Longer than most.  I was on my own, back at the beginning, and then I found Daryl.  We came across the group maybe… three weeks after that?  It’s kinda hard to keep track of time these days.’  
_

_‘Oh, I’ve been keeping up with my calendar,’ she assured you.  ‘How can a society function if we don’t even know what day of the week it is?’  
_

_‘Right,’ you nodded slowly.  ‘Sure.’  
_

_‘And the others that you’ve been travelling with, they’re good people?’  
_

_‘The best.’_

_‘Care to expand?’_

_You swallowed loudly, wondering what exactly it was that she wanted from you.  ‘Well, Rick, he’s one of the strongest men I’ve ever met.  He’s pretty much been keeping us alive from the start.’_

_‘And you agree with all of his decisions?’ Deanna interrupted, her eyes narrowing as she scrutinised you.  
_

_‘No, not always,’ you admitted.  ‘But part of being a leader is making tough decisions, I’m sure you know that.  I made the decision myself to put my faith in him, and to follow him.  It got us here, so it can’t have been too bad a choice.’  
_

_‘And what about Daryl, is it?  The one with the roadkill?’  
_

_‘He shot it himself,’ you replied defensively, bristling as her nose wrinkled in distaste.  ‘We’d all have starved if it wasn’t for Daryl.  He’s a big part of why we’ve made it this far and, if we stay, your community will be lucky to have him.’  
_

_‘I see I’ve touched a nerve.’  Her smile was serene, but you could see that her jaw was tense.  ‘Are the two of you together?’  
_

_‘Yeah, we are.  I trust him more than anyone else in the world.  Rick got the group here, but Daryl, he’s the reason I’m still here.  He’s a skilled hunter and fighter, and he’d do anything for his family.  Him walking through your gate is the best thing that’s ever happened to this place.  You’ll realise that if we stay.’  
_

_‘You keep saying that,’ Deanna pointed out.  ‘‘If we stay’, like it’s still up for debate.  Why on earth would you choose to go back out there?  I mean, look at the state of you.  You look like you’ve been through hell.’  
_

_‘You want to take our weapons.  You have people here that I’ll bet have never so much as seen a real walker up close.  This place is vulnerable and-’  
_

_‘We have fences.’  
_

_‘Yeah, so did we, before.  But fences can fall, and they do.  By all means, live in comfort if you can, but you can never risk forgetting that the world is how it is.  That’s how you get killed.’  
_

_‘I see.’  She nodded, pausing to scribble something in the notepad she had balanced on her knee.  ‘I think I’ve heard enough.  I’ll consider your job assignment and let you know in due course.  If you could just send Daryl in so I can have a word, then we can get you all settled in for the night.’_

_‘Daryl’s not coming,’ you explained, trying to keep your voice firm.  ‘He hasn’t got anything to add to what any of the rest of us have told you.’_

_‘I interview all newcomers.  Those are my conditions for entry.’  
_

_‘Well, I’m sorry, Deanna, but we’ve entered.  If you choose to send us away, it will be Alexandria’s loss.  You need us.’  
_

_She didn’t argue, and you knew your words had hit home, smiling to yourself as you slipped out of the door and went to rejoin your family._

 

* * *

 

‘Here, drink this.’  Helena, the lady who had addressed you back in the barn, handed you a steaming cup of tea, watching with a small smile as you took a sip, sighing in satisfaction as the liquid hit your parched throat.  ‘Well, you look better already.’

You’d arrived at the camp a little over an hour ago, and had already been assigned a tent and given some fresh clothes to change into when you were done with your induction.  Now, you were sitting cross-legged in a large marquee style setup, with the older woman opposite you, sinking to the ground to mirror your position.  

‘Did Stevie show you where you’d be sleeping?’

‘He did, thank you.’

‘And you’re comfortable there?’

‘I will be,’ you nodded.  ‘I’ve been sleeping rough for a while so it’s gotta beat that.’

Again she smiled, as though she got a genuine thrill from helping someone in need.  

‘I can tell you’re anxious,’ she said, her tone soothing as she took in your trembling hands.  ‘And I can tell you’ve been through something.  I want you to know that you’re safe here.’

‘I’ve heard that before,’ you admitted, shaking your head.  ‘And it’s not personal, but… I have some trust issues I need to work out before I can actually believe you.’

‘Oh, honey, I completely understand.’  Her laugh bubbled out of her, loud and jolly, and she reached over to wrap her hand around your wrist, drawing you closer to her.  ‘I know there’s bad people out there now.  We’ve come across them too.  But you’ll get to know us, and I hope you realise that we’re not them.’

‘I hope so too,’ you replied, fidgeting uncomfortably at her close proximity.

‘Okay, I just have one question to ask you, Y/N, and then I’ll let you go and get some rest.  Now, I want you to know, that your future here doesn’t depend on your answer.  We’ve all done things, we’ve all had to to survive, but I just need to know what sort of person you are so I can try and make you as comfortable here as possible, alright?’

‘Okay.’  Your voice was hesitant, nervous, your discomfort increasing as you waited for her next words.

‘Have you ever killed anyone, Y/N?  And I’m not talking about walkers, I’m talking about living, breathing humans.  Have you taken a life?’

‘No.’  You’d always had others around you to do the killing for you.  You were capable, you knew that, but Daryl had always kept you to the back of scuffles if he could, determined to keep you safe.  The lives that the group had taken had happened in front of you, but you’d never been responsible.

Helena’s eyes lit up, and she grinned at you, spreading her arms wide as though to fully welcome you to the camp.  ‘Well, that’s just what I was hoping to hear!  I think you’ll fit in well here, honey.  You’re just what we’ve been looking for.’


	13. Chapter 13

Daryl knew he couldn’t have been unconscious for long as, when his eyes flickered open, he could still see the fresh tears on the womens’ faces as they stared down at him.  A cold metal blade was held to his throat, and he squeezed his eyes shut, anticipating the end, but a scream from the small group by the bushes drew the attention of his attacker.  

‘Tommy, no!  Not in front of the children!’

‘The bastard killed James and Richard, Sarah!’

‘I don’t care!  I don’t want Jackson to see his daddy take a life!’

‘Then take the kids away, cos I’m ending this son of a bitch!’

‘Tommy!’

The man leaning over Daryl growled in frustration but backed up, leaving the archer panting on the ground, rubbing at his neck where the knife had nicked his skin.  

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured, unable to meet the eyes of the families of the men he’d killed.  ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Yeah, well, sorry ain’t gonna bring their daddies back, is it?’ Tommy snarled, aiming another kick at his ribs.  ‘Get the hell out of here or I swear to God I will take your damn head off.’

Daryl cast his eyes to the cabin for a moment, but knew he had no choice but to move on.  No doubt the people gathered around him would want to bury their dead and he was in no position to tell them they couldn’t.  He’d done enough.  

Scrambling to his feet, careful not to turn his back on the man with the blade, he shouldered his crossbow, and made to leave, pausing to make an offer that he knew wasn’t nearly good enough to make up for what he’d just taken from the group.  ‘S’a few rabbits inside.  I already skinned ‘em ‘n’ cleaned ‘em up.  S’not much but it’ll feed y’all tonight.’

Nobody spoke as he walked away, picking his way through the trees, his mind reeling as he splayed his fingers over his bruised ribs, groaning quietly at the pain that throbbed through his torso.  Why had he gotten so angry?  They were just passing by, checking the place out.  They hadn’t deserved to die for that.  They may well have been good people.  Like half the workers that he’d killed at the Sanctuary during the war, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Like Y/N.

 

* * *

 

_Daryl could hear Y/N laughing as he slipped slowly back into consciousness, feeling the warmth of the sun on his face where he lay stretched out on the porch of one of the houses that had been assigned to the group.  He’d struggled to sleep on the first night, not used to the comfort of a mattress, feeling hemmed in by the walls around him, so they’d taken to sleeping outside, building a makeshift bed out of blankets and curling up together, staring out at the stars.  He’d tried to insist to his girl that it wasn’t necessary, yet still she made their little camp up each night, and it had become the only time he felt like he could really relax, with her in his arms, just the two of them, as the rest of the community slept._

_Y/N giggled again, and Daryl cracked an eye open, pushing himself up on his elbows as he glanced around for her.  She was standing on the bottom step of the porch, one of the blankets wrapped around her shoulders, talking to Spencer, one of Deanna’s sons.  He’d noticed that Spencer had a habit of loitering on the road out the front of the house, and initially had thought it was due to his wariness about the newcomers, but, as time wore on, he’d realised that it was actually Y/N holding his interest.  The slimeball was grinning at her now, his eyes sweeping over her, as he leaned in close, his voice lowered, Daryl supposed, so as not to disturb him.  Well, he was damn disturbed, and he levered himself to his feet, thudding across the porch and snaking his arm around Y/N’s waist._

_‘Good morning, you.’  She turned to nuzzle into his neck, standing on tiptoes to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth, and his discomfort eased slightly._ Look all you want, Monroe.  She ain’t interested _._

_‘Mornin’,’ he rasped, burying his face in her hair for a moment and inhaling deeply.  ‘Y’alright?’  
_

_‘Yeah, I’m good.’  She gave him a small smile, then turned back to Spencer, though she laced her fingers through Daryl’s where his hand rested on her hip to keep him close to her.  
_

_‘Sorry, you were saying about the party?’  
_

_‘Right, yeah.’  His enthusiasm for the conversation had faded since Daryl had joined them, and he rubbed a hand through his hair, fidgeting uncomfortably.  ‘Mom’s just having some people over tonight to welcome you guys to the community.  She wants everyone to get to know you all, I guess.’_

_‘There’s not really much to know,’ Y/N shrugged, and Daryl could tell that her reaction to the idea of a party was much the same as his._ Not in a million damn years.

_‘Sure there is,’ Spencer scoffed.  ‘I could talk to you all night.  You guys are fascinating.  You have so much more experience out there than anyone else here.’_

_‘Oh, I don’t really like to talk about-’  
_

_‘People want to hear the truth, Y/N.  Don’t underestimate yourself.’  
_

_‘Back off, man.’  Daryl couldn’t help but cut in, sensing the growing tension in Y/N’s body.  He wasn’t about to let her get pushed into anything she didn’t want to do, even if it meant he had to put this asshole is his place once and for all._

_‘Oh, you’re up!’  Deanna’s voice cut through the strained atmosphere, though Daryl continued to glare at the younger Monroe.  He reminded him too much of Jack, the sleaze that had followed Y/N round at the prison, his eyes constantly glued to her ass.  That had been before he and Y/N had been together, but it had still bugged him, watching him sidling up to her at dinner and slinging a casual arm around her shoulders.  Only Daryl had ever been allowed to touch her like that, and he had felt like it took something away from their friendship that Jack felt close enough to her for that to be okay.  If he’d ever said that to her, she’d have smacked him and told him he was being an idiot, and he knew she was right, but the idea that she might actually be interested in the creep had kept him awake at night.  Losing her had been his biggest fear, especially as he’d already started to find himself drawn to her, wanting more than just her friendship, but he’d kept his mouth shut, and let her make her own choices.  Luckily, it had ended up pretty damn well for him that time, and a pretty boy like Spencer certainly didn’t have a lot to offer her._

_‘How’s everyone doing this morning?’ Deanna asked, joining them on the steps, and receiving non-committal grunts in response.  ‘Y/N, I’d like you to come and see me in my office later on.’_

_‘Oh, no,’ Y/N objected, wrapping her arm around Daryl’s back, twisting the fabric of his shirt in her hand as she tended to do when she felt anxious.  ‘I’m going out on a hunt with Daryl.  We wanted to try and get some fresh meat to bring back for everyone, maybe cook something up for the party tonight.’_

_‘I didn’t know you hunted,’ Deanna noted, her face hardening in an obvious challenge.  
_

_‘I don’t, but Daryl does, and-’  
_

_‘Well, I’m sure Daryl will be just fine without you, just for today.’  
_

_‘Nah,’ Daryl interjected for the second time that morning, glowering at the community’s leader.  ‘I ain’t going nowhere without her.’  
_

_‘Well then, perhaps it will have to wait for tomorrow.  We expect everyone to contribute round here, and I have a job assignment in mind for you, Y/N, that I’d like to discuss with you this morning.  I’m afraid that I have to insist.’  
_

_Y/N sighed, but turned to him, giving him a small smile.  ‘It’s fine, D.  Just go without me.’_

_‘But I don’t-’  
_

_‘I know, but it’s okay.  I’ll be okay.’  
_

_He hadn’t left Y/N’s side for longer than a half hour since they’d been reunited at Terminus, and just the thought of it made his stomach knot, but he forced himself to nod.  ‘Fine.’_

_‘I’ll be over in an hour,’ Y/N advised Deanna, before spinning on her heel and making her way into the house.  Daryl thought he was probably the only one who could tell that she was trying not to stamp her feet like a disgruntled teenager._

 

* * *

 

_For the second time that day, Daryl could hear Y/N laughing, and he felt the warmth of the sound seeping into his bones.  This time it didn’t bring him any discomfort as it had when it was Spencer who was drawing the giggle from her.  They had both shunned the welcome party, much to Rick and Carol’s disapproval, instead agreeing to have dinner with Aaron and Eric, the couple who lived a few doors down.  Aaron had joined Daryl on his hunt in the end, and he’d found that he actually enjoyed the guy’s company.  He didn’t talk for the sake of it, and was experienced in the real world, smarter than the others in the Safe Zone.  When he’d issued the dinner invitation, Daryl had been surprised to realise that a part of him was eager to go along, and he’d been happy when Y/N had seemed equally keen.  He knew she wanted to fit in, to make friends within the community, but she was always more comfortable in small groups.  This suited them both._

_Whilst Y/N helped Eric clean up in the kitchen, Aaron had led Daryl into the garage to show him the beat up old bike frame and a ton of parts that the previous resident had collected._

_‘S’a lot of parts for one bike,’ Daryl observed, picking his way around the space, inspecting the metal contraptions that lined the shelves._

_‘Whenever I came across any parts out there, I brought them back,’ Aaron admitted.  ‘I didn’t know what I’d need.  I always thought I’d learn how to do it, but I get the feeling you already know what to do with it.  And the thing is, you’re going to need a bike.’_

_Daryl paused, narrowing his eyes as he glanced back over towards where Aaron still stood in the doorway.  ‘Why?’_

_‘I told Deanna not to give you a job because I think I have one for you.  I’d like you to be Alexandria’s other recruiter.  I don’t want Eric risking his life anymore.’_

_‘You want me riskin’ mine, right?’  Daryl bristled, though, honestly, the idea of being able to get outside of the fences with a legitimate reason was exactly what he’d been looking for._

_‘Yeah, because you know what you’re doing,’ Aaron insisted.  ‘You’re good out there, but you don’t belong out there.  I know it’s hard getting used to people getting used to you, and I understand right now you need to be out there sometimes.  So do I.  But the main reason why I want you to help me recruit is because you do know the difference between a good person and a bad person.’_

_Daryl hadn’t needed convincing, but the other man’s faith in him was a reaction that he’d never had before as a first impression, and he felt like he needed to prove him right.  ‘I got nothin’ else to do._ _I’ll get ya some rabbits.’_

_Aaron’s easy laugh was interrupted as Y/N strolled into the garage behind him, sidling up to Daryl and reaching up to kiss his cheek.  ‘What’s that, Dixon?  You going hunting again?’_

_‘Nah.’  He shook his head, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side.  ‘I’mma fix this bike up ‘n’ go out with Aaron, recruit some more people for this place.’  
_

_‘Wait, what?’  She was immediately tense, her face falling as she looked up at him with wide eyes.  ‘That means you’ll be going out for, what, days at a time?  Weeks?’_

_‘The longest has been a couple of weeks,’ Aaron supplied.  ‘Sometimes we have to tail a group for a while, just to check them out, make sure they’re right for the community.  I don’t like to take too many risks with who I bring back here.’  
_

_‘A couple of weeks?’  Y/N’s expression was horrified.  ‘You’re going to go out there and leave me here, alone, for a couple of weeks at a time?’_

_‘Oh, it’s usually a lot quicker than that.’  Aaron had finally sensed the shift in atmosphere and was backing towards the door that led back into the house.  ‘I’ll give you guys a minute.’  
_

_‘Well?’  Y/N challenged Daryl, staring up into his face like he’d betrayed her in some way.  ‘You really want to do this?’  
_

_‘I do.’  His words were barely audible, but he knew she’d heard him when she stepped away from him, physically distancing herself as she processed what he was saying.  ‘I’m not doin’ so good in here, Y/N.  I’m better out there, outside the fences, ‘n’ I can be of use.  In here, I’m just holdin’ ya back.  Ya should be sleepin’ in a damn bed, ya should be over there at the party, gettin’ to know people.  Ya can have a life here.’  
_

_‘I want a life with you.’  
_

_‘I ain’t leavin’ ya, girl.  I’m jus’ doin’ a job.  I’ll always come back to ya, I promise.’  
_

_She was shaking her head, taking small steps backwards as though she was about to flee from him.  ‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’_

 

* * *

 

Darkness had fallen, and Daryl was still stumbling aimlessly through the woods, haunted by the ghosts of all of the people he’d killed.  He could feel their eyes on him, see the blood seeping from the wounds he’d inflicted.  They were everywhere he looked, tracking him like an animal, and he had to keep moving to stay one step ahead of them.  If he stopped, somehow he knew they’d swarm him, smother him until he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.  He had to keep going.

Those kids, the fear in their eyes…  He couldn’t take it, couldn’t erase it from his memory.  He’d killed their fathers or uncles or guardians.  It didn’t much matter what they were.  The point was they weren’t there anymore cos of him, and their chances of survival now were considerably less with only one man protecting them.  The women had looked vulnerable, definitely not fighters, especially the pregnant one.  Shit, she’d reminded him of Lori, and with that thought came visions of his fight with Rick.  He’d turned on his best friend, his brother, beaten him down, desperate to put an end to the war by changing the plan, and that had ultimately led to Y/N’s death, the pain of which was dragging him down, forcing him into hiding in the forest, shunning humanity.  His mind was stuck on this vicious loop and he couldn’t break it.  

When had he started to kill without question?  When had he become that person?  Damn, sometimes it felt like his whole life had forced him to become this way, and yet it was losing Y/N, Negan taking her from him, that had been the catalyst that had released this dark version of himself.  Throughout the battles, he’d comforted himself with the thought that he’d find redemption in his girl’s arms, but now she was gone and there was no one to help him find his way back.  He was so lost.


	14. Chapter 14

You lay in your tent, listening to the sounds of the community bustling around outside. You’d eaten a substantial meal of fish and vegetables the previous evening, leaving you feeling full and satisfied, and you’d had several hours of uninterrupted sleep, a luxury you hadn’t experienced for a long while. A part of you felt refreshed, your body healing and restoring some of its strength, but mentally, the opportunity to stop and take a breath had let the emotions that had been threatening to overwhelm you the whole time you were on the road finally take root in your consciousness, wrapping around you like vines, growing and constricting. You needed to be busy, to have something to occupy your time, but you’d only arrived at the camp a couple of days before and hadn’t been allocated a job yet. You knew Helena wanted to give you time to rest, not wanting to push you too hard too soon, and you appreciated her kind nature, but you knew you couldn’t take another day of sitting on your ass doing nothing but grieving for everything you’d lost.

The community called itself The Congregation, which had seemed a little strange at first, until you’d come to understand that there was a strong religious emphasis to everything that the group did. There was a pastor that everyone called Old Father Joe who held daily services at dawn and sunset, and grace was said before meals, which were always taken together in the marquee. A large wooden cross was erected at the top of the camp, standing silhouetted against the sky, as though the inhabitants thought Jesus was watching over them. It was something you struggled with. You’d had some sort of faith before, albeit non-specific and unpracticed, but since the world had gone to hell, you’d lost all hope of a higher being and a better place. Life was hard and cruel, and then you died. That was your belief system now.

Shrugging an oversized cardigan that had been given to you on your first day over your shoulders, you crawled out of the tent, taking a deep breath of the fresh morning air. What would Daryl make of this place, you wondered. These people were certainly less naïve than the Alexandrians had been, with guards on round the clock and almost everyone armed at all times. The way that Helena’s group had taken down the walkers in the barn when they’d rescued you was sure evidence that they knew how to protect themselves. He probably would’ve respected what they’d built up, even if he wasn’t on board with the daily worship. That thought alone was enough to make you feel more secure, and you set off in search of the woman in charge, eager to get started and throw yourself into camp life.

 

* * *

 

_You stared at yourself in the mirror, twisting and turning as you inspected your outfit, wondering if it would be deemed appropriate for the first day of your new job assignment. You were wearing the only pair of jeans you owned that weren’t ripped, though they sat low on your hips in a way that you never would’ve got away with at work before the world ended. You’d forgone your usual checked shirt, normally one of Daryl’s that you’d snagged and wrapped around your shoulders to envelop yourself in his scent, instead opting for a pastel-coloured button-up that you’d borrowed from Carol. You’d pulled your hair up into a ponytail, putting more care into ensuring that it was neat and tidy than you had done in months, but all that seemed to do was emphasise the puffiness of your eyes, red-rimmed from crying for hours the night before, and bloodshot from lack of sleep._

_You’d stormed out of Aaron’s garage after Daryl’s revelation that he was going out as Alexandria’s new recruiter, and shut yourself in your bedroom, crying until you had no tears left. You didn’t know why you were so upset, just that you felt desolate at the idea of being away from him for so long. He was your rock, your everything, and the only person that could calm your anxiety when things got too much. You’d barely left his side since you’d found him at Terminus, and the thought of him out there without you filled you with dread. You couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. What if he got hurt? What if he just never came back?_

_When you’d finally pulled yourself together and cleaned yourself up, you’d traipsed down the stairs to find Daryl sitting on the porch, a pile of cigarette butts beside him. Without saying a word, you’d slid into his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding him close, breathing him in and feeling your body instinctively begin to relax. You didn’t speak, there was nothing to say, and eventually you’d drifted off in his embrace. You’d woken in the early hours as he’d laid you gently down on the wooden boards, covering you with a blanket, before sneaking away, and you just knew he was headed back to the garage and the bike that he was itching to get fixed up._

_Footsteps on the stairs brought you back to the moment, and you sighed loudly, tugging at the bottom of the shirt in discomfort._

_‘Ya look ridiculous.’ Daryl’s voice came from the doorway and you turned to face him with a frown._

_'I’m aiming for professional.’_

_'Well, ya missed.’_

_'Screw you, D. I’m trying here, okay?’_

_'Deanna’s asked ya to teach the kids, right?’_

_You nodded. You’d been assigned to teach a couple of classes a day for the school-age children in the community, just basic English and maths, and you were surprised to find that you were actually looking forward to getting started, or had been before Daryl had made his announcement, anyway._

_’D'ya think any of 'em are gonna care if ya look like Miss Surburbia or not?’_

_'I don’t know,’ you shrugged. 'I guess I just want to make it normal for them.’_

_'Too many people in this place tryin’ to pretend like things are normal, but they ain’t. Don’t matter if you rock up to teach 'em lookin’ like a damn priss, they’re still gonna have to learn to survive. Might as well get 'em used to it.’_

_'Fine, Daryl, that’s just fine.’ You were annoyed at his reaction, especially after his insistence that you should support him in his new role. He seemed determined to make you feel like a fool for trying to take your own seriously, and you could feel your face flushing red with anger as you tore the shirt from your skin, sending buttons pinging across the room in your haste. Stomping across the room, you reached for a clean vest top from the top of the dresser and pulled it over your head, cursing at it as it got tangled up before yanking it down to cover your chest and stomach. As you moved to get in his face, your foot tangled in something on the floor and, realising it was Daryl’s shirt from the previous day, you picked it up and shrugged it on, regardless of the blood and gore that had soaked into the fabric. 'Is this better? Am I not pretending anymore?’_

_You pulled the tie from your hair, letting it fall loose around your shoulders. 'Is this what the kids need to see? Blood and horror and pain? Well, that’s just fine, Daryl.’_

_'Hey, I din’t mean-’_

_'I don’t care! Y'know, this actually meant a lot to me, being able to contribute, to actually help the kids to learn something, but thank you for pointing out just how ridiculous that is. It’s obviously exactly what I needed to hear.’_

_You were breathing hard as you stood before him, his eyes roaming over your furious expression as a frown creased his brow. Then he was stepping forwards and reaching for you, his fingers lacing into your hair to pull your face to his, his lips locking hungrily with yours as he pressed hot, angry kisses against your mouth. You could feel his body quivering against your own as he fought to keep his temper under control, letting his annoyance out through his aggressive grip as his hands slid to your hips._

_'Daryl,’ you murmured, but he silenced you as he backed you up towards the bed, pushing his shirt from your shoulders as the back of your knees hit the edge and you fell backwards. He came down on top of you, bracing himself on his arms as he continued to devour you. You felt your skin grow feverish as he moved over you, burning hotter when your bare chest collided with his as clothes were ripped from your bodies and thrown across the room. His movements were urgent, desperate, and as you merged into one, you felt the tension leave him, as his eyes locked with yours._

_'God, I love ya, girl. M'sorry.’_

_'I don’t wanna fight with you, D.’_

_'This don’t feel like fightin’ t’ me.’_

 

* * *

 

You strolled through the camp seeking someone that might be able to give you a task to occupy yourself with for the day, trying to turn a blind eye to the women that were kneeling at the foot of the cross, smearing blood from the deer that one of the hunters had brought back late the night before over the rough wood. You supposed everyone had their weird superstitions, but it left you feeling icky and unsettled. Maybe Alexandria had made you soft, as judgemental as the residents there had been when you’d all shown up at the gate.

Finally hearing Helena’s voice from round the back of the marquee, you headed in that direction, though you paused before rounding the corner, not wanting to interrupt.

'You’re sure?’

'All their stuff is gone, Helena, and nobody’s seen them for a couple of days. They said they were just going to fetch some water but-’

'And they took the children with them?’

'Yes, ma'am.’

'How could you have let this happen?’

You were taken aback by her tone, never having heard her voice so harsh and cutting before.

'I’m sorry. I didn’t think… There’s no way they could have known!’

'Well, either they figured it out or someone tipped them off. Either way, it’s imperative that we find them as soon as possible.’

'I can help,’ you spoke up, finally announcing your presence as you stepped into view. 'Sorry, I didn’t mean to listen in, but if you’re putting a search party together, then I’m happy to-’

'No, no, dear,’ Helena smiled at you as she stepped towards you, though her face remained tense. 'You still need your rest.’

'Honestly, I’d prefer to be busy. I’m okay, really. I’m feeling much better. Who is it your looking for?’

'A few of the guys have disappeared with their wives and kids. Tommy, James, Richard-’ The man she’d been speaking with filled you in, though he was cut off by Helena’s stern glare.

'Yes, thank you, Javier. We just want to make sure they’re alright, that’s all. But we have plenty of people who can go out searching. No point in risking your life for people you never got the chance to meet.’

'Even so-’

'I said no, Y/N.’

You felt a twinge of uncertainty in your chest as you nodded, unnerved by the strange exchange. 'Okay, I’m sorry. I just wanted to contribute.’

'And you will,’ Helena reassured you. 'Possibly sooner than we initially thought.’


	15. Chapter 15

‘Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes.’

Daryl was sitting cross-legged in the small clearing that he’d set up camp in.  It was far from ideal, but he didn’t have the energy to keep moving any longer, and it was close to a water source which gave him much needed hydration as well as attracting animals that he could hunt for food.  He was surviving, the only way he knew how, but he wondered from time to time whether he was losing his mind.  The other day, when he’d been collecting firewood, he’d glanced up and swore he saw Y/N standing in the shadows, watching him, betrayal and mistrust in her eyes, and sometimes when he woke in the night he could feel the people he’d killed closing in on him, stalking him in the darkness.  He’d yell at them, cursing, screaming, telling them to leave, but they never did.  They’d loom over him until the sun rose and he’d realise that he’d been alone the whole time.

So, when he was torn from his guilt-ridden thoughts by a voice he recognised, he didn’t respond at first, completely sure that it was just a figment of his imagination.

‘What?  You haven’t even got a hug to offer an old friend?’

Carol was smirking at him from where she stood a couple of yards away, though there was concern behind her gaze as she moved closer, sliding her knife into its holster as she approached.  

‘Carol?’

He was on his feet and scooping her up in his arms in seconds, holding her tight as she rubbed his back soothingly.  She felt so familiar, and he closed his eyes for a moment and pretended they were back at the prison before everything fell apart.  

When he finally released her, she smiled kindly at him, and surveyed his little home, nodding slowly.

‘So, this is what you ditched us all for, huh?’

‘I didn’ ditch no-one,’ he muttered, tugging on his fingers as he stared at her, worried that if he looked away she might disappear like the figures in the night.  ‘I just needed…’

‘I know.’  

And he knew she did.  She’d done the same thing he had, back before it had all escalated with Negan, sneaking out in the middle of the night, needing some space to take it all in, to deal with the person she’d become.

‘How’d ya find me?’

‘Oh, we’ve been keeping an eye on you.  Jesus found the cabin you were staying in, made sure to check it out whenever he came this way on a run, but the last time he passed you were gone.  I wanted to make sure you were okay, so I started tracking you.’

‘Ya tracked me?’

‘You think I didn’t learn anything from watching you all this time?’

He shook his head in amazement and sat, and Carol followed suit, laying her gun beside her and leaning back on her hands as she ran her eyes over his grimy frame.  ‘How are you, Daryl?’

He shrugged, averting his gaze to the ground where he picked up a twig and began to dig it into the dirt.  ‘I don’t really know anymore.’

She waited for him to continue and he did eventually, needing to fill the silence.

‘I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel like e’rything’s gonna be okay.  I was always so sure it would be, y’know.  But without her, I can’t… I can’t see how things are ever gonna work out.’

‘You look tired.’

‘I ain’t sleepin’ much.  Have to keep one eye open at all times out here ‘n’ the nightmares…  I got a lotta ghosts these days.’

‘We all do.’

Carol had always said that she couldn’t let herself feel grief and remorse, that it would cripple her if she let it in.  It was the realisation of how many lives she’d taken that had led her to run away, and he knew she’d get how he was feeling.  She’d told him once that he was different, that he needed to let it in, but it was all too much, too overwhelming.

‘How’d ya do it?’ he asked her, cocking his head to one side as he gnawed on his thumbnail.  ‘How’d ya live with the things ya’ve done?’

She considered his question for a moment before she replied.  ‘Honestly, I try not to think about it.  If I let it in, I get scared of having to do it again, of having to take more lives.  I just have to tell myself that every life I’ve taken has been to save a life of one of our own.’

‘S’that true, d’ya reckon?’

‘I have to believe it is, yeah.’

‘’N’ what if it ain’t?  What if ya can’t believe it no more?’

‘Daryl-’

‘What if ya started killin’ just cos ya didn’t know what else to do?  Or cos ya was just so angry that ya stopped carin’?’

‘You never stopped caring, Daryl.  You just cared about something else more.’

‘Y/N.’  It was the first time he’d said her name out loud since he’d left Alexandria, and it physically hurt him to force the syllables past his lips.  ‘I miss her, Carol.’

‘I know you do.  We all do.’

‘I know, but I feel like… Like I can’t breathe.  I ain’t never felt nothin’ like this ‘n’ I dunno how to make it stop.’

‘It never stops.’  When he met her eyes, they were filling with tears and he knew her thoughts had drifted to her daughter.  ‘It will always hurt, every single day, but you learn to live with it.  It becomes part of who you are, and you carry it with you, and every day is just a little bit harder because of it.  But the pain means you’re still alive, and you have a duty to the people you’ve lost to keep living as best you can.’

‘I dunno if I can live like this,’ he admitted, letting his head drop, his hair falling forward to hide his face as a choked sob racked his body.  

‘Y’know, if Y/N heard you talking like that she’d be the first one to call you out on it.’

‘She ain’t here.  She’s gone ‘n’ it’s my fault.  How the hell am I sposed to learn t’ live with that?’

‘It isn’t your fault, Daryl.  You were trying to help her.’

‘’N’ instead I got ‘er killed.  She shoulda been in her cell.  She shoulda been shut away where the biters couldn’ get ‘er.’

‘You couldn’t have known.’

‘God, I’m so damn mad at ‘er, Carol!’  His outburst took her aback, and he watched her flounder for a moment before she regained her composure. 

‘What-’

‘Ya wanna know why she wasn’ in a cell like I thought?  Ya wanna know why she ended up gettin’ bit?  Cos she married the goddamn son of a bitch!’

Carol blinked dazedly for a moment, processing his words.  He hadn’t told anyone this before, had kept it to himself, a harsh, bitter truth that he’d take out in the dead of night to torture himself with.

‘No, Daryl, she wouldn’t-’

‘Well, she did.  She wasn’t locked up cos she was his fuckin’ wife.’

‘Surely that doesn’t mean-’

‘What?  That she was fuckin’ him?’  Carol couldn’t finish a sentence before Daryl cut her off, spitting out his words with a venom that she couldn’t remember ever having heard in his voice until now.  ‘Ya really think that jackass would give her all the perks of bein’ one of his harem without takin’ a lil’ somethin’ for himself?  Ain’t no way!’

Carol’s mouth opened and shut a few times as she struggled to wrap her head around what he was saying.  ‘She loved you.’

‘Not enough.’

‘No, Daryl, she did.  You just had to see her face whenever you were around to know that she was completely infatuated with you.  I’ve never had anyone look at me the way she looked at you.  What you had was real, whatever she may or may not have done at the Sanctuary, you have to believe that.  She must have had her reasons for doing what she did, but whatever they were, they had nothing to do with her feelings for you.’

The tension in his body had ebbed away as quickly as it had built up, and she saw him sigh dejectedly, slumping to one side as though it had become a huge effort just to hold himself upright.  ‘I jus’ wish I could talk to her.  I jus’… I jus’ need to hold her.  I can’t… I can’t believe I ain’t never gonna see her again.’

‘Maybe you will, one day.’

He scoffed at her, leaning his head back to watch a squirrel scamper through the branches above his head, though he made no move to reach for his bow.  ‘Ya really believe that?’

‘I don’t know.  I like to think so.  There’s got to be something more than this, don’t you think?’

‘I think if there’s a God up there, he’s havin’ a good laugh at our expense right now.’

‘Maybe he’s a comedian.’  Carol’s deadpan tone and straight face caused his expression to crack into a small smile, and it felt foreign and strange as his lips quirked upwards.  

‘How’s e’ryone back home?  They okay?’

She nodded, running a hand through her grey curls.  ‘They’re doing alright.  Everyone’s just enjoying a moment of peace I think.  It’s been a long time since we could all just breathe for a little while.’

‘’N’ lil’ asskicker’s alright?’

‘She’s good, growing up fast.  Looking more like Shane by the day, unfortunately.’

Again, Daryl found himself grinning, a low chuckle rumbling through his chest.  ‘Tha’s gotta be killin’ Rick.’

‘He hasn’t said anything.  I think he lives in glorious denial, especially now.’

Silence fell between them as they both remembered Carl, feeling his loss, so cruel and unnecessary.  

‘He copin’?’

‘Just about.  Michonne keeps him going.’

‘Yeah, she’s a real powerhouse, that one,’ Daryl agreed, glad that his friend had someone so strong and capable watching out for him.  He knew he should be there supporting him too, but his own grief had made him useless in the face of anyone else’s.  ‘An’ how’s Maggie?  She must be gettin’ big.’

‘Oh, she is.  She’s glowing, actually.  Pregnancy suits her, now she can relax and enjoy it.  She’s going to be a great mom to that little one.’

‘Sucks she’s gotta do it alone.’  Glenn’s death still weighed heavy on his shoulders, especially the knowledge that a kid would be growing up without a father because of his actions.  

‘She doesn’t blame you, y’know.’  Carol could sense his guilt and was quick to stamp on it.  ‘If you didn’t want to come back to Alexandria, she’d take you in at the Hilltop in a second.’

‘I can’t.  I can’t look at ‘er without feelin’ responsible.’

‘But you’re not, Daryl.  Negan was responsible.  He’s a madman.’

‘Rick still got ‘im locked up?’

Her jaw tensed as she nodded.  ‘He’s insisting that he won’t sink to Negan’s level.  Carl wanted us all to live in peace, and for some reason that means keeping him alive.’

‘Ya don’t agree?’

‘I don’t know,’ she admitted.  ‘Part of me thinks maybe this is better.  It’s gotta be killing the bastard to be locked up and powerless, and I like that he’s serving his time.  There’s something very civilised about it.’

‘But?’

‘But the other part of me just wants to stab my knife between his eyes and end him for everything he took from us.’

‘I can’t… I can’t let myself think like that no more.’

‘Daryl, you haven’t killed anyone that didn’t deserve it.  Whatever their reasons, every single person you took down had aligned themselves with Negan and the Saviors.  That came with a risk and they paid the price.  That’s what happens in war.’

‘I ain’t just talkin’ ‘bout the war though.’  At her confused expression, he inhaled deeply and relieved himself of the burden that he’d been carrying.  ‘Back at the cabin, these two guys were snoopin’ round.  I jus’ wanted t’ be left alone, but they were comin’ up the steps ‘n’ I jus’…  I got so angry.’

‘You killed them?’

‘Shot ‘em both as soon as they kicked the door in.’

‘Well, they might have been-’

‘They had families.  I didn’ see ‘em till after.  Women ‘n’ kids.  One of the girls was pregnant.  I can’t…  I didn’…’

‘Oh, Daryl.’  She twisted round onto her knees so she could crawl over to him and pull his head onto her shoulder, letting him cry as she wrapped her arms around his shaking body.  ‘Oh, Daryl, I’m so sorry.’

‘How many kids is that?  How many kids gonna be growing up with no dad cos of me?’

‘It’s not your fault.’

‘Ya gotta stop sayin’ that!’ he snapped, pulling away from her.  ‘It is my fault.  Ain’t no one else pullin’ the trigger!’

‘But you’ve had to become this way, to survive.’

‘Yeah, well, I don’t wanna be this way no more.’

‘So, don’t be.’

‘It ain’t that easy!’

‘I know.’  He sank back against her shoulder, and she stroked his hair, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.  

They sat like that for a long time, Daryl alternating between sobbing into the crook of her neck and gazing up at the sky, trying to find his way back to the person he’d been before.  With Carol at his side, he almost felt like it might be possible, and yet his past self continued to elude him.  

Eventually, Carol spoke, pulling him from his thoughts.  ‘Light’s fading.  I’m gonna stay with you tonight, okay?’

He nodded, and she pushed him away, motioning for him to lie down, which he did, resting his head in her lap.  ‘I’ll take first watch.  You get some sleep.  You look like you need it.’

For once, when Daryl closed his eyes, the ghosts didn’t come.  Instead, he saw Y/N, as she’d been at the prison, sitting up in the guard tower at his side as the sun dipped below the treeline.  He remembered the frustration of wanting to kiss her, but not being able to, not daring to tell her how he felt, so settling for pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her, pressing soft kisses to her shoulder instead, and smiling at the shiver than ran through her.  She’d giggled and brushed her lips against his cheek, and heat had flared up in his chest.  In his dream, he whispered against her hair, coming clean, tired of wasting time. 

_‘I love ya, girl.’_

And she’d turned to him, glowing with happiness as she’d cupped his face in her hands.  

_‘I love you too, Daryl Dixon.’_


	16. Chapter 16

You were getting restless, tired of your own company and your lack of productivity.  You’d been with the Congregation for over a week now, and you still hadn’t been given a job assignment, or really had a proper conversation with anyone other than Helena and Stevie, who had been tasked with watching over you and ensuring you were okay at all times.  You weren’t sure if it was his presence that prevented any of the other residents from speaking to you, but you were feeling increasingly isolated, and half wishing that you were back out on the road on your own.  But you had a roof over your head, albeit a canvas one, and were being provided with a couple of decent meals each day, so you supposed things could be worse.

As far as you knew, the missing families hadn’t been found, and Helena could be seen storming around the camp in a whirlwind of snapped orders and frustrated huffs.  Whenever she saw you approaching, her mask would slip back into place, her eyes kind, her smile welcoming, but you knew better than to fall for her act now, keeping her at a distance as best you could.  The conversation you’d overheard had left you with a knot in your stomach that you’d been unable to shift, wondering exactly what it was that the runaways had figured out that had caused them to leave so suddenly.  You’d resolved to keep your eyes peeled, to stay alert at all times, but so far, nothing else had happened to cause you any concern.

You were complaining loudly to Stevie about needing something to do to stop yourself from going completely crazy, when you were approached by another member of the group that you’d seen around a few times.  He was around the same height as you, probably the same age too, with glasses and ears that stuck out slightly too far from his head.  You thought his name was Edward but you couldn’t be completely sure.

‘If she’s really that desperate for something to do, I can take her out with me today.’

‘Helena won’t like that.’  Stevie immediately shut down the idea, though you were itching to get out of the camp and put yourself to use.  ‘She’s supposed to be resting.’

‘I’m fine,’ you snapped, fed up with being treated as though you were fragile and likely to break at any moment.  You felt stronger than you had in a long time.  ‘Really, I’m completely 100% okay.’

‘I’m only picking around the treeline, man,’ maybe-Edward weighed in on your side, and you saw Stevie’s eyes flicker over to the forest, as though he was contemplating letting you go.

‘Please, Stevie!  If Helena says anything you can tell her I slipped away while you were taking a piss or something.  Please!’

He sighed, and you knew that you’d won, imagining he was probably craving some space from you as much as you were from him.  ‘Fine.  Within earshot at all times though, you hear me?  And I don’t want you taking any weapons out with you.’

‘What?’  You couldn’t quite believe the odd request, that he would actually want to send you outside of the camp fences without a way to protect yourself.  Did he really not believe you could be trusted?  Was that why you were being shut off from everyone around you?

‘Eddie’s got a gun, he’ll deal with any corpses that come your way.  You’re not leaving this camp armed.’

‘Fine,’ you conceded, unable to argue too much when you didn’t have any weapons to hand over anyway, your pipe having been confiscated when you’d first arrived.  You couldn’t force him to give you a gun, and, if you were staying close to the treeline, you should be able to make it back to safety before any walkers got the better of you.  ‘Thanks.’

He spun on his heel to walk away, and you turned to your new companion, giving him a shy smile.  ‘Thank you so much!  You have no idea how insanely bored I’ve been!  I can’t believe no one’s put me to work yet.’

‘Come with me,’ he instructed, suddenly sullen and uncommunicative as he moved away from you, nodding to the guards as he passed through the gate and making his way towards the forest.  ‘Keep up, okay?  We won’t have long before Helena realises you’re gone and sends out a search party.’

‘I’m sure she wouldn’t-’

‘Trust me, it happens.’

You fell into step beside him, hurrying to match his fast pace as he headed for the shadows of the trees, glancing around as if he felt like he was being watched.  His edginess made you nervous, and you began to wish you’d stayed back at the camp.  

‘Eddie, is everything okay?  If you don’t want me out here with you, you didn’t have to offer.’

‘I needed to talk to you.’

‘About what?’  As you made it to the shelter of the treeline, he reached out to wrap his hand around your wrist, tugging you in deeper with him until he was certain that you were out of sight of the guards.  Yanking your arm out of his grasp, you shot him a furious glare, angry at how confused and extremely unsettled he was making you feel.  ‘What the hell?’

‘Look, I’m sorry, okay?  I’m trying to help you here, but I can’t let anybody see me talking to you.  It’s bad enough that Stevie knows that you’re out here with me, but I couldn’t see any other way to get to you.’

‘Get to me?  What’s going on here, Eddie?  You’re scaring me.’

‘I’m scaring you?’  He leaned his head back and let out a harsh bark of laughter.  ‘I’m the only one here that’s looking out for you.  If you just listen to what I have to say, you’ll see that.’

‘Fine.’  He stepped away from you to continue walking, but you’d already decided you weren’t going any further into the forest until he explained himself.  You didn’t know anything about this guy, and for all you knew, this was just a ruse to get you alone and kill you.  As far as you could tell, he had no reason for wanting to hurt you, but these days people didn’t seem to need a reason.  You’d been there, done that.  Realising that you weren’t behind him, he let out an exasperated sigh, before turning and motioning for you to take a seat on the leaf-littered ground.  ‘I’m good standing.  Start talking.’

‘How much do you know about the Congregation?’

You shrugged, wondering where he was going with this.  ‘Helena took me in when I was on my last legs.  They’re heavy into the religious stuff.  They like to smear blood on the big cross thing which is a little weird but, hey, what isn’t these days, right?’

‘You’ve seen them making the offerings then.  That’s good.  Do you understand why they’re doing it?’

‘I don’t…’  You were lost for a moment, unsure what he was talking about, before you realised that the deer blood was the offering he was referring to.  ‘Oh, the blood.  No, not really.  I just figured they were thanking Jesus for the food or something.’

‘Not quite.’  He shook his head, a wry smile on his face.  ‘That’s why we say grace.’

‘Right.  So, why-’

‘Okay, you need to understand the background of most of the people in that camp.  The ones that have been there since the start have known each other for years.  They all come from the same town, and I’m talking small, a little backwards, getting dressed up in their Sunday best for church on the weekends.  Helena set up the camp for them when the world went to hell, but they were suffering big losses.’

‘What?  Walkers?  Didn’t they have the fences?’

‘They did, but it wasn’t walkers.  You see, they’d got a big stockpile of supplies that they brought from their homes.  It was the sort of place where every home had a gun cabinet, and there was stacks of canned goods in the Church basement from all the food drives they used to have before they realised they had no one to give it all to.  So they were pretty ‘asset rich’ if you get my meaning.  They became a target for other groups of survivors in the area.  They’d slip in in the night and take down whoever stood between them and their goldmine.’

‘They didn’t fight back?’

‘Nah.  See, they had all those guns, but they were for hunting food, not people.  Remember, these people are about as religious as it gets.  Thou shalt not kill.’

‘So, they refused to defend themselves.’  It was starting to make a weird sort of sense, but you still didn’t really understand where you came in to all this.  

‘Exactly.  They were terrified for their immortal souls, and they were in danger of losing everything they needed to survive.  So, Helena and Old Father Joe got together and talked it out, came up with a plan to ensure that nobody would go to hell for protecting their own.’

‘So, what, they smear animal blood on the cross to beg forgiveness for their sins?’  You cast your mind back to the Sunday School lessons you’d attended as a kid, trying to figure out exactly what might make the Congregation believe that that would do the trick.  ‘I don’t understand.’

‘They offer up the deer blood because the deer are innocent.  They haven’t killed.  They’re offering up the deer’s life in order to be pardoned for their sins.’

You scoffed.  ‘Wow, you could get away with anything by that logic.  If I’d known that I’d have started offering up my leftovers years ago.’

Eddie’s face darkened and he took a step towards you, causing your breath to hitch in your throat as you suddenly felt inexplicably afraid.  ‘The animal blood is just the start.  Nobody here would buy that it was enough, otherwise, like you say, people would have been doing it for centuries to get away with all kinds of unacceptable behavior.’

‘So, what else is there?’

‘Okay, you know your Bible?’

‘Vaguely.’

‘So, the last time humanity needed redemption, Jesus died for their sins, right?  They nailed him to the cross, and he gave himself so that we could be forgiven and enter his Father’s kingdom.’

A moment of total clarity had you reeling and you stumbled backwards, catching yourself on a tree before you fell.   _No, no, no, no, no._

‘Helena asked me if I’d ever taken a life.’

‘And I bet she was really damn happy when you said you hadn’t.’

‘She wants to use me to seek forgiveness for her people?’

‘It’s a ritual they follow.  They find somebody pure, and they crucify them, in the hope that they will act as a substitute, paying the price for the communities’ sins so that we may pass through Heaven’s gates when the time comes.’

‘That’s sick!’ you cried, struggling to comprehend the vile murders that these people had been committing, trying desperately to save their own asses. 'I mean, that’s… that’s twisted! How the hell can people actually believe this?’

'People will believe anything when they’re afraid.’

'But… I mean, crucifying people? That’s gotta be like… I mean… I dont-’ A horrifying realisation hit you as your thoughts span out of control. ‘The families that disappeared…’

‘Had young children,’ he supplied.  ‘Innocent young children.  They were perfectly happy to go along with the offerings until they were expected to offer up their own.  It hadn’t even occurred to them that their kids fit the profile until I gave them the heads up.’

'How many people have they done this to, Eddie?’

He shuffled uncomfortably, his gaze fixed on the ground at his feet. 'I dont-’

You took a step forward, getting in his face, your breathing ragged with fear and rage. 'How many?!’

'7, I think. Maybe 8. I don’t know, Y/N. It isn’t that easy to find someone that’s never taken a life these days.’

'And how many of those were children?’

He exhaled loudly, running his hand through his air as he took a step back. 'Three.’

‘Shit.’  You had to get out, had to run, keep running, get away from that place.  You couldn’t go back, you had to go, now.

As if reading your thoughts, Eddie reached out to snag your wrist again.  ‘You have to get out of here, but not now, not yet.  It won’t be long before Helena figures out you’re not in camp, and then she’ll have every able person she’s got out here sweeping the woods.  You won’t stand a chance.  You need to go in the night, give yourself a good few hours head-start before anybody notices you’re missing.  It’s the only way.’

‘I can’t-’

‘You have to.  I’ll help you, if I can.’

Your whole body was shaking now, adrenaline and terror shooting through your veins and forcing you onto the balls of your feet, ready to flee.  ‘Why are you doing this?’

‘I stay because I need the group to survive, and because my family are here,’ he explained, struggling to justify his choices.  ‘But that doesn’t mean I agree with what they do.’

‘They’re monsters.’

‘They’re scared.’

‘They’re worse than the corpses.’

‘I know.’

‘Am I gonna get out of this, Eddie?’  Tears were streaming down your face as you imagined the pain of being hung up on the cross, your life slowly draining away from you as they watched.  ‘I can’t die like that.’

He just nodded, unable to promise you anything.  ‘Clean yourself up.  I need to get you back soon.’

You scrubbed your fists over your eyes, forcing yourself to put one foot in front of the other and make your way back to the camp.  Every cell in your body was pulling you in the opposite direction, but you knew Eddie was right.  If you ran now, they’d be after you too quickly, and you’d likely be captured and tied up to stop you making another attempt.  You had to bide your time, wait for the right moment, but you assured yourself that when that moment came, you would run and run and never look back.


	17. Chapter 17

Daryl woke to the feel of gentle hands stroking his hair, the sun filtering through the leaves to caress over his dirt-crusted skin, and a feeling of peace washed over him.  He’d had nightmares, of course he’d had nightmares, but there’d been an inherent awareness that they weren’t real, so he didn’t jolt awake panicked and shaking, expecting ghosts to be watching him from the shadows.  He kept his eyes closed for a few moments, enjoying the tranquillity and the feeling of a human touch, but the change in his breathing had already alerted Carol to his conscious state and she flicked at his ear, laughing when he pushed himself upright, a disgruntled scowl on his face.

He felt relaxed with Carol, almost in the same way he did with Y/N.  He knew that back in the early days of their stay at the prison, Y/N had thought their might be something between the pair of them, and he could understand why.  They were of an age, and had both experienced abuse at the hands of those that were supposed to protect them.  They understood each other, could communicate without speaking, and damn, even he could appreciate that Carol was a gorgeous woman and a total badass to boot, but his heart had never really gone there.  His focus had always been 100% on Y/N, even before she’d started making his stomach tighten and his breath hitch in his throat with her cute little smile and the hypnotic swing of her hips as she walked.  She’d taken over his life when she’d taken a chance on him and, now she was gone, he thought he might never look at a woman in that way again.  That didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate a little closeness from an old friend though, and he nudged Carol affectionately as he continued to glower at her for his rude awakening.

‘What the hell was that for?’

'My legs went dead about five hours ago,’ she grumbled, levering herself to her feet and steadying herself against the tree as she waited for the numbness to subside.

'Still coulda woken me up nicer than that,’ Daryl complained, and she smirked at him as she bent down to massage her calves.

'You were already awake!  I know you better than that.’

'Yeah, whatever.’

She shook her head at his grouchy attitude, pushing herself upright again and stretching her back out. 'Shall we start again?  Good morning, pookie.’

'Stop.'  It was too early for her teasing, yet he felt some of the ice in his veins start to thaw as they slipped back into their old behaviours, and he couldn’t keep the crooked half-smile from his face.

‘How are you feeling this morning?’

‘Better for gettin’ some sleep,’ he admitted.  ‘Thanks for keepin’ watch.’

Nodding, she averted her eyes to the ground, before they flicked back up to his with concern flaring up behind her gaze.  ‘I was thinking about what you said last night, about Y/N becoming one of Negan’s wives.’

Daryl flinched, unprepared for the pain that spiked through him at her words, but nodding, ducking his head as dug the heel of his boot into the dirt.  

‘I don’t believe it,’ she confessed.  ‘I’m sorry, I just don’t.  I cannot believe that Y/N would do that, not to you.’

‘Well, she did.’

‘And why do you think that?  Because a Savior told you?  Maybe he was just trying to mess with you, get a reaction.’

‘Well, he got one.  I put an arrow through his damn skull.’

Carol sighed, but knew he didn’t want to hear what she was saying to him.  ‘Look, I’m just saying it’s a possibility, that’s all.  It might not be true, so try not to let it ruin everything you had.’

She cleared her throat, changing the subject now that she’d had the opportunity to say her piece.  ‘Now, speaking as somebody who has spent most of the night by your side, I can tell you with great authority that you need to start taking care of yourself.’

'Whatcha talking about?’

'I’m talking about bathing, Daryl. I know you’ve always struggled with the concept, but I can’t take you back with me in this state.’

She watched as his body tensed at her words, chastising herself internally for not taking more time to warm him up to the idea, but the damage was done.

Daryl was shaking his head as he scrambled to his feet, shouldering his bow and tripping on an exposed root in his hurry to get away from her. 'Nah, yer wastin’ yer time. I ain’t goin’ back.  I can’t.’

‘Daryl…’  But he was gone, hurrying away, his long strides carrying him further into the forest and out of earshot.

 

* * *

 

_Daryl couldn’t sleep.  It could have been his discomfort - he was hunched up on the back seat of Aaron’s car while his new comrade kept watch in the front - but he knew it had more to do with the fact that Y/N wasn’t curled into his side.  They’d left things on bad terms when he’d taken off on this first recruiting trip, and he couldn’t push her hurt face out of his mind, the tears in her eyes, the swollen pout of her bottom lip.  It was his job to shut down anything that hurt his girl, but now it was him causing her pain and he wasn’t sure if he could live with it.  One thing he was sure of though was that he couldn’t exist behind those fences, sipping fancy beer at their sophisticated drinks parties and making small talk with the neighbours.  He wasn’t made for it and he couldn’t live like it.  Why couldn’t she see how hard it was for him?  Why couldn’t she understand that by giving himself some time away, by giving himself a purpose, he’d be able to be there for her so much more when he got back?_

_‘You still awake back there?’  He sighed at the sound of Aaron’s hushed voice, and grunted in response._

_‘I don’ think I’m gon’ be sleepin’ tonight,’ Daryl admitted as Aaron craned his neck to see him.  ‘Ya wanna switch?’  
_

_‘Nah.  I never sleep too well the first couple of nights, especially if Eric’s not here,’ the Alexandrian admitted, running a hand through his dark curls.  ‘I’m guessing that’s probably why you’re struggling too, huh?  Missing Y/N?’  
_

_‘Yeah, prob’ly.’  
_

_‘You guys sort things out before we left?’  
_

_‘Nah.’  
_

_‘I’m sorry.’  
_

_Pushing himself up to lean against the door, Daryl began to pick at his thumbnail, worrying at the skin until it began to bleed.  She’d be moaning at him for it now if she was here, hating to see him hurt himself._

_‘How long have you guys been together?’  Aaron asked, and Daryl frowned as he tried to think.  
_

_‘A while.  I dunno how long.  Feels like forever, but we were jus’ friends for most of it really.’_

_‘I find that hard to believe.’  Aaron shook his head.  ‘The way you two are around each other, it’s like you’re in your own orbit, like you’ve been together forever.’_

_Daryl smiled at that.  ‘I never thought about her like that, back at the start.  Never figured she’d go for a guy like me anyway.’_

_‘How d’you mean?’  
_

_‘Well, m’older than her for a start, ‘n’ I was kinda useless before, wastin’ my life, y’know.  She made me better.’  
_

_‘That’s what couples do though, the good ones anyway.  They bring out the best in each other.  She makes you try harder and you give her confidence, make her feel safe.  It’s nice to see.’_

_‘I jus’ wanna do right by her,’ Daryl confessed, picking at a loose thread on his trousers as he thought back to the first time she’d told him she loved him and the way everything had changed for him with those three little words.  He still wished he’d had the courage to say it first.  ‘I jus’ don’ know what that means anymore.’_

_‘You’ll figure it out,’ Aaron reassured him.  ‘You guys are meant to make it through anything, I’m sure of it.’  
_

_The car fell silent again as Daryl leant his head back against the cool glass of the window.  He let his eyes drift closed, despite knowing that sleep wouldn’t come.  Instead he pictured her, the way he liked her best: laying beside him on the porch in the early morning, her skin glowing in the dawn light, her hair tousled and her gaze heavy with sleep.  He liked to watch her as she woke up, sighing as she slipped back into consciousness, and then she’d crack open her eyes and her face would break into a lazy smile as she saw him staring.  He never thought he’d have something like that with anyone, and now he was risking it all by leaving her for God knows how long at a time, knowing that she struggled with her anxiety when he was away._

_A pang of longing made tears spring up in his eyes, and he squeezed them tighter shut so they wouldn’t fall.  He knew Aaron wouldn’t see in the dark, but he also knew that if he succumbed to how much he missed her, he’d be on his bike and headed her way as soon as the sky began to lighten, and he wasn’t ready to give this up yet.  He was on the road, free and with a job to do.  This was where he was strongest.  He just needed to pull himself together and follow his instincts, except they were the very things trying to drag him back to Y/N._

 

* * *

 

Despite his panicked reaction, Daryl had taken Carol’s advice and headed to the stream to submerge himself, not bothering to remove his clothes as he knew they were just as filthy and rank as he was.  He held his breath, tossing his head about under the cool water until he felt his hair loosen from where it had been plastered to his scalp.  He had to admit, it felt good to be clean.  He’d gotten pretty disgusting even by his own standards, and he didn’t want Carol to worry when she went back to Alexandria.  If she was going to leave without a fight, he needed to show her he was coping and capable.  The last thing he wanted was her telling everyone what a mess he’d become.  He still had some pride, and he knew that most of them had bigger things going on.

When he surfaced, he wasn’t surprised to see that Carol had followed him and was watching him uncertainly from the bank.

‘M’sorry,’ he mumbled as he waded over to her, shaking himself like a dog and sending excess water flying off in all directions.  ‘Didn’ mean t’ freak out on ya.’

‘My fault,’ she shrugged before dropping to sit on the leaf-strewn earth.  ‘Should have been a little more sensitive.  It is why I came though.’

‘Look, I don’t wantcha to think it wasn’ good t’ see ya.’  He dropped down beside her, reaching over to squeeze her knee and nudging into her awkwardly.  ‘But I ain’t going back with ya, Carol.  I can’t.’

‘You’re missed, y’know.’

‘An’ I miss all of ya, but… I don’ know how t’ be there without her.  She was the only thing ‘bout the place that felt like home.’

Carol nodded in understanding, though it hurt her heart to see him so broken and aimless.  ‘Fine.  I’m not gonna push you if you’re not ready, but I do want you to promise me something.’

‘Wha’s that?’

‘Stay put.  Just for a little while.  I need to be able to know you’re okay, and I can’t do that if I don’t know where you are.’

He huffed, but he knew he’d feel the same if the roles were reversed so he agreed.  ‘M’sorry for puttin’ ya through this.’

‘I just want you to find your way back, Daryl.  That’s all I’m hoping for.  I want you to be happy again.’

‘I ain’t sure that’s ever gon’ happen.’

‘It will,’ she insisted.  ‘I promise you, it will.’


	18. Chapter 18

You felt like you were in a daze.  You knew it was important to keep up appearances, to not confine yourself to your tent and hide, but as you stumbled around the camp you felt like one of the walkers, unaware of anything that was happening around you and yet somehow completely alert at all times, as though looking through fog but straining your eyes to try and see, driven by one need and only that one need: to escape.  Helena’s smiles, although always seeming fake, now looked twisted and macabre; Stevie’s huffs of impatience as he guided you around were less insulting and instead marked the passing of time as the hours until your intended death ticked by.  You figured they must have set a date and time, though you wouldn’t know it.  You didn’t see any preparations, didn’t hear any whispers.  They’d got this down to an art.  If it hadn’t been for Eddie, you wouldn’t have had a clue.

You hadn’t even thought about slipping out of your tent at night until your survival had depended on it.  The guards that manned the fences at all times were suddenly your jailers and, though you could fight if you needed to, without weapons you didn’t fancy your chances of getting past them.  Escaping under the cover of darkness may have seemed like the better option, but realistically it was impossible, and you cursed yourself for not turning tail and fleeing as soon as Eddie had told you the truth about the Congregation’s desperate rituals.  You could have had some sort of head start, maybe enough of one.  You would have at least had a chance.  Now, you were trapped and your days were numbered.  Your only hope was that Eddie was still trying, that he’d find a way to get you out before it was too late.  Either way, you’d sworn that you were not going to die hung up on that cross in some sort of misguided promise of salvation for those that looked on.  You would fight and kick and scream until they had to shoot you or beat you to death before you’d let that happen.  If you were going down you were doing it your way, and if you took a few of them with you on your way out, even better.

 

* * *

_‘I know this sounds insane, but this is an insane world.’  Rick’s voice was barely audible above the groans and snarls that emanated from the pit below the ridge you were all stood on.  ‘We have to come for them before they come for us.  It’s that simple.’_

_You could feel the waves of heat coming off of Daryl as he stood at your side, his eyes scanning the crowd of walkers jostling in the valley.  There were more than any of you had ever seen in one place before, and you could only imagine the force of destruction they would become if they got free.  How long, you wondered, had they been sliding down into the gaping hole, attracted by the rasping growls of those already trapped?  How long had it taken for such a ginormous herd to form?  They would tear down fences, walls, whole communities, ripping through the survivors like locusts.  Which was why you were all gathered above them, listening as Rick began to lay down the plan once more.  It had taken a lot for him to convince the Alexandrians that it was necessary to take action, and now that he’d gotten his way, he was drilling every step into their skulls, knowing that they weren’t like you, that they were unaccustomed to combat, unhardened by the fight to survive._

_As he spoke, you surveyed the scene before you, reaching for the archer’s hand and lacing your fingers through his, squeezing tight, a silent apology for all of the stress and the fighting.  You’d hated him leaving, heading out onto the back roads with Aaron in the hunt for more living people to recruit into the Safe Zone, but he was still by your side when it counted, when shit was going down.  Only the solidity of his body next to yours was stopping your anxiety from going into complete meltdown.  You could feel the tightness in your chest that preempted a panic attack, but you were keeping it in check so far, drawing strength from your partner._

_M_ _ovement in your peripheral vision drew your attention, and you took an instinctive step back as you watched one of the jackknifed lorries that had been holding the biters captive shift towards the edge of the cliff, dust flying up from beneath its wheels as it was jostled and shoved inch by inch out of the way._

_‘Daryl.’  
_

_Your murmur brought his eyes up from where they were focused on Rick, just in time to see the vehicle drop cab-first from where it had been teetering, and landing with a deafening crash amidst the ravenous corpses._

_‘It’s open!’  Rick’s shout brought the shocked and horrified faces around you back to life as people began to move, some running, some moving into position, knowing that the plan had to be put into action now, so much earlier than intended, for the sake of the people back home.  They couldn’t risk that many walkers heading in the direction of Alexandria.  ‘We’ve gotta do this now!’_

_‘Y/N,’ Daryl nudged you, his bow already raised as he braced himself against the oncoming onslaught.  ‘Your gun!’  
_

_Snapping out of your daze, you reached for your pistol, drawing it from its holster and taking aim, just in time as one of your own climbed into the cab of the truck that was separating you from the herd over your side of the pit and pulled it slowly out of the way.  The monsters came at you thick and fast, and you fired off round after round, not waiting for one walker to drop before you’d moved on to take down another.  Flares were going off somewhere behind you, drawing the undead down the route that you’d mapped out, the bright lights and whooshes of sound like a magnet for the stumbling corpses, channelling them into the narrow lane you’d created with lines of cars that you’d towed in from the nearest highway._

_‘C’mon!’  Daryl’s hand wrapped around your wrist, dragging you with him as he backed towards his bike, swinging his leg over to straddle the machine, and waiting for you to climb on behind him, snaking your arms round his waist and holding on tight.  ‘Ya ready?’  
_

_You nodded against his shoulder, and the engine roared to life beneath you.  ‘Daryl, I love you.’_

_As the bike leapt forward, you squeezed your eyes shut, praying to God that this would work.  You didn’t think you’d ever felt more vulnerable in your life as you slowed to a crawl, the archer revving the engine loudly to call the walkers to him, the twisted pied piper of the apocalypse.  You could hear the moans and growls from behind you, too close, so close you could almost feel their rotting fingers brushing against your skin, but you knew Daryl wouldn’t let them touch you.  He was watching them closely in his mirrors, keeping them at a safe distance, totally calm and in control.  You envied his strength as you trembled.  He was a warrior._

_For a while it was just the two of you, the rest of the group left behind, as you led the herd onwards, guiding them away from home, and then you saw the car waiting to join you, Sasha behind the wheel and the bulk of Abraham’s figure in the seat beside her.  As it pulled out in front of you, you felt a little of your tension dissipate, your grip on Daryl loosing just a little, and he reached back to rest his hand on your thigh for a moment, the warmth of his touch slowing your racing heart._

_‘Y’alright?’ his gruff voice shouted above the engines and groans that filled the air, and you rested your forehead against the smooth leather of his vest, inhaling deeply and letting his scent seep into your lungs.  
_

_‘Yeah, I’m okay.’  
_

_‘E’rything’s gonna be alright, girl, ya hear me?  I got ya.’  
_

_‘I know.’  
_

_‘I love ya too, by the way.’_

 

* * *

 

Your head was fuzzy as you slipped back into consciousness, your vision blurry as you cracked open your eyes and blinked against the bright sunlight filtering into the tent.  The front was unzipped, and your drowsy mind struggled to comprehend how that could have happened.  You hadn’t been sleeping, petrified of what might occur if you let your guard down even for a minute, and yet now somehow you’d crashed out so hard that you hadn’t been aware of someone moving around you.  How was that even possible?

You twisted to push yourself upright, struggling to contort your hands into the right position or even to roll yourself onto your back.   _What the hell?_

And then something clicked in your brain, and it all became clear.  The cool metal against your wrists, the discomfort in your ankles: you were shackled.  The heaviness of your head and the intense effort to form a coherent thought: you’d been drugged.  It was happening.  It was today.

‘No!’  Your scream sounded foreign to your ears, feral and full of terror.  You fought against your restraints, ignoring the pain as the chains bruised your skin and bit into your flesh, drawing blood which trickled in rivulets over your hands and feet.  ‘No, I won’t let you do this!’

You heard footsteps behind you, craning your head to see who was approaching, when you were dragged backwards by your hair to see the cruel sneer in Helena’s eyes as she stood over you.  ‘But, honey, you said you wanted to contribute.’

‘You’re sick,’ you spat at her, your eyes steely cold as they roamed over her face, sure you’d never hated anyone as much as you hated this woman.  ‘You think you’re doing God’s work but you’re the devil.  What sort of twisted bitch-’

She silenced you as the back of her hand slammed into your cheek, sending you sprawling back to the ground, unable to protect yourself with your hands tied at your back.

‘I was so hoping you’d make this easy for us, Y/N, but if you’re going to insist on doing this the hard way then I’m just gonna have to…’

You barely registered her jerking her knee up before the heel of her boot slammed into your face and everything went black.


	19. Chapter 19

The next time Daryl’s peace was disturbed by the crunch of footsteps approaching through the undergrowth, he knew who it was before they came into sight.  Carol had left him several days earlier with another plea that he should continue to camp where he was, just so she’d know, she said, whether he was dead or alive.  He’d known that what she really wanted was for him to stay in one place so she could send in the big guns, but he’d had nowhere else to go anyway, so he’d done as she asked.  Honestly, he was surprised it had taken Rick this long to show, but he guessed there was stuff going on back home he didn’t know about.  Hell, there was always stuff going on in the apocalypse.  You’d put down one threat just to find that another had been sneaking up on you from behind.  That was life now.

As the sheriff appeared from between the trees, Daryl nodded his head in greeting, before moving forward to embrace his old friend, realising that he’d missed him more than he’d let himself believe.  Sometime between wanting to take the bastard down when he’d locked Merle on a roof in the middle of Atlanta, and fighting at his side against the Saviors, Rick had become his brother, a better damn brother than his own flesh and blood had ever been.  They could communicate with small nods and gestures, always knew what the other was thinking and had made a pretty badass team for the last who in the hell knew how long.  Although Daryl was a bit of a loner, feeling most comfortable working on his own, he’d felt pretty unstoppable with this man at his side.  It felt good to remember what that had been like.

‘How’s it going, Daryl?’ Rick drawled in his ear before stepping back and running his eyes over the archer, taking in his unkempt appearance.  ‘Carol told me I could find you here.’

‘Figured she would,’ Daryl nodded, chewing on his thumbnail as he moved away to lean against a tree.  ‘Dunno why though.  Told ‘er I’m fine.’

‘None of us believe that.’

Daryl shot him a harsh glare, but it softened when he noted the dark circles beneath Rick’s eyes, the beard that was badly in need of a trim.  His friend hadn’t been taking care of himself either, that much was obvious.  ‘Ain’t doin’ no worse than you by the looks of it.’

Rick sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, before dropping to sit on the ground, legs akimbo as he took a shaky breath.  ‘It’s hard, I’m not gonna pretend it’s not.  But I’ve got people around me, family.  I don’t know how I’d get through each day without them.’

‘Ya jus’ would.’

‘Nah, Daryl, what you’re doing here…  I don’t understand it.  You’ve got people who care about you, who wanna help, but you’re determined to go through it alone.  I don’t get it.’

‘I don’t want no help, Rick.  I don’t wanna get over this.  S’my fault she’s gone, ‘n’ I deserve to feel it every single day.’

‘All you ever did was try to protect her,’ Rick argued.  ‘Everything you did in the war was for her.’

‘It was all for nothin’ then, wasn’t it?  All them people I killed, to save her, was for nothin’.’

‘Is that what’s been on your mind?  The people you killed?’

‘Yeah,’ Daryl admitted, wiping his thumb on his trousers when his teeth drew blood, and sliding down the thick trunk to sit opposite the sheriff.  ‘Them, ‘n’ her, ‘n’ yer boy.  All of ‘em.  Guess I don’t trust my judgement no more.  I’ve made too many mistakes.’

‘We all make mistakes, every single one of us.  It doesn’t mean you should punish yourself for them though, Daryl.  Come home.  We need you.  I need you.’

 

* * *

 

_Daryl smiled as he revved the engine and the bike tore along the road, kicking up dust behind him as he watched the needle on the speedometer climb.  They’d succeeded in their mission, leading the walkers 20 miles out from Alexandria, and now he was free to floor it to put some distance between him and the herd, his girl clinging to him and whooping with happiness as the tension that had been sitting over them for the past hour disappeared.  Behind them, Sasha and Abraham followed in the rustbucket car they’d been driving, and it was time to go home.  He knew there’d been trouble back at the Safe Zone whilst they’d been out, but he also knew that Rick had headed back there with some of the others, so he had no doubt that things would be under control.  He’d detoured at one point, determined to head back there and protect what was theirs, but Y/N’s biting grip and insistence that they stick to the plan had forced him to turn around, and now he was glad that he had._

_He slowed to take the corner, enjoying the feel of the breeze blowing against his face, cooling his sweat-slicked skin, when all of a sudden bullets cut through the air around them, seemingly coming at them from all angles, and he swerved to avoid the onslaught.  Craning his neck, he saw the car taking hits and cursed._

_‘Keep ya head down,’ he shouted, as Y/N stared wildly round for the shooters.  ‘Hold on!’  
_

_Once again, he pushed the bike as hard as he could, forcing it to move faster, praying that Sasha and Abraham would keep up, but then the front tire slid out from under him and they were crashing to the ground, scraping along the dirt as the sleeve of his jacket tore up, the small rocks on the path ripping at his skin underneath._

_‘Y/N, y’alright?’  Ignoring the pain in his arm, he rolled to his feet, rushing to her side, but she was already sitting up, pushing herself upright.  He could see blood, but she was moving quickly so he knew she couldn’t be too badly injured.  
_

_‘We’ve gotta get out of here.’  
_

_He nodded in agreement, and hefted the bike upright, climbing on and motioning for her to follow.  As soon as he felt her arms lock into place around his waist, he took off again, weaving and keeping his head low as two of the vehicles that had been shielding the shooters gave chase._

_Around another corner, and another, and then the threat was everywhere as walkers that had been milling about in the empty yard lifted their heads, their arms reaching for the two of them on the bike, vulnerable and exposed, as they whizzed past.  Daryl heard a crash as the car that had been closest to them misjudged the turning and smashed into the side of a burnt out bus, though the SUV that had been on their tail quickly took its place._

_‘This is gon’ get bumpy,’ he yelled to Y/N over the noise of the engines and bullets flying, before making a sharp left into the trees, following a track too narrow for their attackers to take without going on foot.  He felt her grip on him tighten as she fought to stay on the bike, and he longed to reach back to her and reassure her, but their survival now depended on his total concentration._

_‘S’gonna be alright,’ he whispered, hoping that somehow she could hear him.  ‘I promise, I’m gon’ get ya home safe.’_

_He wasn’t sure how long he’d been riding for when he finally felt satisfied that they were no longer being trailed.  His head was woozy, his vision starting to swim, and pain shot down his arm with every jolt of the bike over the bumps of the rough track they were following.  As he brought it to a halt and cut the engine, the bike leant heavily to the side and, being too weak to catch it, he tumbled from it, brought down by its weight.  He heard Y/N hit the floor beside him, and tried to look over to check on her, but the movement made him feel sick._

_‘Y/N,’ he croaked weakly, wishing the woods around him would stop moving.  ‘Y/N, y’okay?’  
_

_And then she was leaning over him, concern writ over her face as she let her fingers drift over the side of his head, pulling them away sticky with his blood.  ‘Daryl, you’re hurt.’_

_‘Nah, m’fine,’ he insisted, trying to sit up, but the forest lurched alarmingly and he sank back down.  ‘Jus’ gimme a minute.’  
_

_He felt pressure against his skull and realised she’d removed her shirt and was pressing it against the gash that he was now fully aware of, a throbbing ache that pulsed through him, making it hard to keep his eyes open.  He let them flicker closed, just for a moment, trying to regain his composure and stop the world from spinning._

 

* * *

_‘Sasha?  Abraham?  Anybody?’  Y’N’s voice was tense with panic, becoming a desperate whine as she repeated her call for help over and over, stabbing at the button on the useless radio, her breath becoming labored as the iron band tightened across her chest.  ‘I don’t know where we are, but we’re in the woods, and Daryl’s hurt, and I don’t… I don’t know what to do.’_

_Daryl cracked his eyes open, tilting his head to the side just in time to see her slump to the ground, wrapping her arms around her body and burying her face between her knees.  Her gasps were becoming harsher, and he knew she was losing herself to the fear, forcing himself over onto his side so he could push himself upright and stumble over to her._

_‘Y/N, it’s okay, I’m okay.’  Her eyes were wide with terror as she looked up at him, but when he reached out his arms for her she levered herself to her feet and fell into them.  ‘Jus’ breathe, darlin’, alright?  I just need ya to breathe for me.  Like this.’_

_He took an exaggerated breath in, holding it for a few seconds before letting it out in a loud exhale, and repeating it over and over, until he felt her trembling body start to still as she regained control._

_‘Daryl,’ she rasped finally.  ‘You’re okay?’  
_

_‘M’okay,’ he reassured her.  ‘I jus’ needed t’ shut my eyes for a minute.  M’alright, I promise.  We gotta get outta here though, find the others.’_

_Their progress was slow.  They were both hurt, Daryl considerably more so, limping badly but insisting on pushing the bike as they tried to navigate their way out of the forest.  He knew it could be the difference between life and death, sure that if their attackers were still out there, they’d need it to get away, and, even if not, it’d be a long walk home without it.  Still, he was struggling, and with each step, it became heavier in his arms.  Every so often, Y/N would try the radio, but there was only ever silence on the other end._

_‘You think they’re dead?’ Y/N’s words were barely audible as she voiced the very thought he’d been trying to push down.  ‘You think whoever those people were got them?’  
_

_‘Nah.’  Daryl let the bike drop, taking the walkie talkie from her and trying one more time.  ‘Sasha, Abraham, you there?’  
_

_‘Daryl!’_ _Y/N’s startled cry drowned out the white noise he got in response, and he realised she was looking in horror at the blood pooling by his feet._

_‘Shit.’  He pulled off his glove, cursing again at how sodden it was to the touch, before easing off his jacket, grunting in pain.  His arm was cut up bad.  Whereas Y/N had been badly grazed, he’d caught his elbow on a sharp rock which has torn into his skin, leaving blood pouring from the joint.  ‘There’s a rag in that bag on the bike.’_

_Understanding, Y/N began to dig around for it, hoping it would stem the bleeding, but before she could find it, Daryl sensed eyes on him, his spine tingling as he reached for his crossbow.  ‘Stay here.’_

_Inching forwards, trying to keep his movements quiet despite his limp, he heard the rustling behind him as his girl dragged some dead undergrowth over his bike.  She thought like him now, and it would have made him smile under any other circumstances._

_Heavy breathing from behind a bush caught his attention, and he raised his bow as he rounded the corner to find two girls cowering from him._

_‘You found us, okay?’ one of them spoke, her voice strong despite her look of fear.  ‘Here we are.  We earned what we took.’  
_

_‘What the-’  Y/N’s voice was closer than he wanted it to be as a bad feeling spread through him, and he turned to warn her off just as something hard smashed down onto his skull and everything went black again.  
_

 

* * *

That has been the first time he’d come across Dwight, and a part of Daryl was still sure he should’ve killed him there and then.  How much of what had happened would have been avoided if he’d just taken him out right away, instead of taking pity on him?  It kept him up at night sometimes, wondering, but then he told himself that Alexandria would have ultimately ended up on Negan’s radar anyway.  Even without Dwight, him and Rick still would’ve run into Jesus, been taken to the Hilltop and agreed to take out the Saviors at the outpost in exchange for supplies.  Still, everything about the guy screamed bad news.  Now, there was someone who knew about mistakes….

 

* * *

 

_Daryl cursed his own weakness and sense of mercy as he crouched low, Y/N at his side.  Her hand was on his thigh, nails biting into his skin through his trousers, as they listened, trying to locate the men were who were determined to kill them all.  They’d gotten away from Dwight and the girls, of course they had.  Daryl was smarter than most, and Y/N was quick and resilient.  It hadn’t been long before they were able to grab their stuff and run, but when they’d found that the bag they’d taken contained insulin, they’d realised that they’d essentially just signed a death sentence for one of their captors._

_‘We could hide it here in the bushes,’ Y/N had pleaded with him.  ‘They’ll find it, won’t they?’  
_

_Daryl had looked down at his scared, beat-up girl and wished he could agree with her, but he knew that she knew what they were going to do before he even said it.  ‘Nah, we gotta take it back.’_

_He’d literally just tossed the bag of meds at their feet, delivered his parting shot, both to warn them off and to see Y/N give him that look, like he was her hero, that always made him feel ten feet tall, and turned to disappear back into the trees, when the loud growl of something with a big engine heading their way had echoed through the forest and he’d dropped into a low crouch, dragging his girl down with him with a firm hand on her shoulder._

_‘What the hell?’ she whispered, scanning their surroundings for any sign of the vehicle, but Daryl shook his head.  He couldn’t see it either.  
_

_Finding her hand, he squeezed it tightly, then began to edge forward, darting from tree to tree, trying to stay hidden, feeling her presence directly behind him as he searched for the threat.  And then he saw it, rolling towards them, a big old truck grinding to a halt a few yards away before boots hit the ground and began pacing through the undergrowth._

_‘Let’s end this,’ a voice called.  
_

_Sherry, one of the girls with Dwight responded, drawing the men in their direction.  ‘It’s ours!  We earned what we took!’_

_‘You’re gonna return what you took,’ the voice instructed.  ‘You’re gonna pay for the gas it took to come out here, and for all the time these men took out.  It’s over!  You know the rules!’  
_

_Y/N glanced over at him, her features twisted in confusion.  Who the hell were these people?_

_‘Your rules are bat shit!’ Sherry screamed, her face caught somewhere between fear and rage.  
_

_‘We’re not going back, Wade,’ Dwight weighed in.  ‘We’re done kneeling!’  
_

_‘Don’t change the subject, asshole.’  The voice gave a whistle, and the truck began to move forward again as the men fanned out around it.  Taking stock of the situation, Daryl realised that they were surrounded and they’d have no choice but to fight their way out.  
_

_As Dwight, Sherry and Tina made to take off running, Daryl stopped them, directing them back the other way.  ‘Quick, this way, go!’_

_Tina was struggling, and he wrapped an arm around her waist to hold her upright as the group ran, panic making their movements jerky and uncoordinated.  Ducking behind a pile of fallen branches, they took cover, waiting to see which way their attackers would come from._

_Daryl hesitated for a moment, before reaching into his waistband and pulling out the gun that was tucked there, handing it over to Dwight.  ‘Here, take it.’_

_Y/N’s eyes were wide in disbelief as she watched him arm their captors, but he knew they wouldn’t be fighting their way out of this one alone, especially not injured.  ‘Trust me,’ he mouthed at her, and she nodded, her face relaxing slightly.  He knew that she did._

 

* * *

Of course, it had been a mistake.  Soon as the danger had passed, the son of a bitch had pulled that very same gun on them, taking Daryl’s bike and his bow, and Y/N’s rifle.  Every time the archer had made the mistake of trusting Dwight it had backfired on him, and so many people had died because of it.  Daryl had killed so many people because of it.  

Realising that he’d zoned out, he glanced up to meet Rick’s gaze, hating the concern and the pity that he found there.  

‘M’sorry, Rick, I ain’t comin’ back.  I already told Carol, ‘n’ I ain’t changed my mind.’

‘Right, and what about Judith, huh?  She needs her Uncle Daryl!  And what about Tara and Michonne and Rosita?  We’ve all lost people, but we are stronger together.’

‘Maybe y’all are, but it ain’t like that for me.  I’m not…’  Daryl struggled to find the words to convey to Rick how messed up he was inside, how little he could trust himself around anyone anymore.  ‘I ain’t safe to be around right now, ‘n’ I ain’t gonna risk hurtin’ one of ya cos I can’t think straight half the time.  I dunno if I can find my way back from what I’ve done, but that ain’t for no one to worry ‘bout but me.’

‘Daryl-’

‘Nah, Rick, nah.  It’s all well ‘n’ good for ya to sit there ‘n’ make me feel guilty for abandonin’ the lil’ asskicker, but what happens when she gets bored in the night ‘n’ decides to come find her Uncle Daryl, huh, Rick?  I’ll tell ya what happens, right now!  She’ll get an arrow through that pretty lil’ head of hers cos I got a tendency t’ shoot ‘fore I think these days, ‘n’ neither one of us can live with that!  It’s better if I’m alone, alright?  That way I can’t hurt no one.’

‘No one but yourself, huh?’  Rick’s eyes were judgemental as they held his own, and Daryl was forced to look away first, averting his gaze to the ground and grinding his heel into the dirt.

‘M’already hurtin’.  Don’t make no difference to me.’


	20. Chapter 20

The cross had been lowered to the ground beside you, the wood gnarled and warped.  It had obviously been weathered from its position raised above the camp, subject to battering by the storms that passed through, worn by the rain, but that wasn’t enough to have given it the aged look it wore.  You wondered vaguely if it had been brought from the town church that Eddie had told you about, carried aloft by the community to their new home, bringing with it hope for the future and what came after.  This close up you could smell the mustiness of the thick beams and the coppery tang of the blood that stained it, seeping into the whorls and cracks, saturating it until all it represented was death.  Seven lives had drained away on this instrument of torture, Eddie had said, maybe eight.  Had they been scared, you thought to yourself, or had they been resigned to their fate?  What about the children?  Had they understood what was being done to them and why?  Had they cried for their parents?  A solitary tear rolled down your cheek and dripped into the dirt.  It wouldn’t happen to you.

You were still bound, and your face was throbbing from the heel of Helena’s boot being driven into your cheekbone which such force that you were sure that you’d have a black eye at the very least.  Your head ached, and your wrists were smeared with blood from your ongoing struggle against your restraints.  In the time you’d been unconscious, you’d been carried from your tent to the small clearing beside the cross, laid on the ground in full view of the people whose souls your sacrifice was supposed to save.  Occasionally they would approach you, whisper thanks into your ear before stealing quietly away, and you would fight the urge to curse at them, to spit and scream and make it clear that you couldn’t give a damn about their souls.  They didn’t deserve salvation.  But the stinging pain in your wrists and ankles reminded you that fighting now was pointless.  All you were doing was draining your energy.  You had to be smart, to bide your time, and then, when they gathered to perform the ritual, that was when you’d unleash hell on them.  You just had to be patient.

All you really truly wanted in that moment was Daryl.  If this was going to be the end for you, you needed to feel his arms around you one last time, to feel the brush of his scruff against your skin and to taste him on your lips.  As you’d done back in the walker-filled barn, you almost welcomed the idea of death, though you were going to make damn sure it wasn’t going to go down the way they wanted it to.  Death might reunite you with your archer, and that would make it infinitely better than life had been since you lost him.  This was just further proof that you couldn’t do it without him by your side.  He never would have wandered in to a new community, weak and unarmed, and just waited for them to turn on him.  You were so used to having him there to protect you that your instincts had become dull and you’d made too many bad decisions.  If this was your last day, if it all ended tonight, you’d find him, wherever he was, and everything would be okay again. 

As the residents began to drift towards the marquee where the evening meal would be taking place, you heard footsteps approaching, and Eddie’s voice whispered in your ear as he dropped into a crouch beside you.

‘You holding up down there?’

‘Not sure,’ you whispered back, barely audible as you mumbled against the grass, hoping nobody would notice your exchange.

‘It’s not over,’ he reassured you.  ‘I’ve got something lined up, but you’re gonna have to think on your feet, okay?  I can only do so much.’  

‘What d’you-’

Eddie cut you off as a small group wandered past, lacing his fingers together and bowing his head as though in prayer.  ‘Bless you for your sacrifice, that means that my soul can be redeemed, and I pray that you are strong enough to withstand the trials ahead.’

As they moved away, his voice shifted again, and he leant closer.  ‘Just wait for the signal.  It’ll create a distraction, but the rest is up to you.’

As he left you alone with your thoughts once more, you were none the wiser as to what he expected of you.  A distraction would only be as good as your ability to get away, which was pretty much zero with your hands and feet chained.  You supposed the best you could hope for was that it would draw away some of the more experienced fighters, and leave only the panicky amateurs behind for when you decided to kick off.  Their fear would make them jumpy, more likely to put a bullet through your brain before the ceremony could take place.  That would have to do.

 

* * *

 

 

Darkness has closed in as you lay waiting, and the air felt thick and heavy, almost like a storm was rolling in.  You thought you might already have heard a couple of rumbles of thunder in the distance, but it hadn’t amounted to anything more yet, and still you waited.

Eventually, you heard a mass of voices coming closer, singing if your ears could be believed, something choral and beautiful, their voices combining as they sung the praises of their Lord.  Around you, torches were lit, the flames reaching high and casting shadows over the scene, and you felt yourself being hauled upright, held in place by Stevie and another thickset man that you didn’t recognise.  Helena stood over the other side of the cross, with Old Father Joe beside her, a Bible in his hands, waiting for the hymn to finish so that they could begin.  You could barely breathe as you took in the crowd of faces around you, all looking to you with hope and admiration in their eyes.  That familiar iron band was tightening but you fought against it with every ounce of energy you had.  No, you couldn’t lose it, not now.  You had to be ready, ready to fight or run or do whatever you could once Eddie gave his signal.  

Another crash of thunder sounded, slightly nearer this time, echoing through the camp as the chorus fell silent, and the audience waited with anticipation writ over their faces for Helena to speak.

 ‘Thank you for joining us this evening,’ she began, her voice strong and unwavering as she addressed her people.  ‘This tradition has become one that I know we all treasure, a means of cleansing our souls of the sins which we are forced to commit by the cruel circumstances in which we have found ourselves.  When good people are forced to do wrong, we must seek a way to ensure our salvation, to guarantee our position in the Lord’s kingdom, and tonight we come together to offer up a sacrifice in the hope that God the Almighty will grant us forgiveness for the things we have done.’

You couldn’t help but scoff, having to find amusement in her ramblings to keep your terror under control, and she shot you a stern glare, aimed at silencing you but actually just adding to your bemusement over the whole situation.  ‘God, you’re so full of it.’

‘Despite the fact that the innocent one takes the Lord’s name in vain, she is in fact pure,’ Helena continued, brushing over your outburst.  ‘She has survived in this terrible world without succumbing to the need to kill, to take life.  She has risen to God’s challenges and she has overcome them without committing that sin of which we are all guilty, and now she is offering herself up so that we might be forgiven.’

‘I’m not offering you shit,’ you snapped, turning to address those gathered around you.  ‘How the hell can you buy into this mind-fuck?  You’re smarter than this, all of you.  You’ve gotta know this is insane!’

The vacant expressions that met you let you know that your pleas were falling on deaf ears and you searched for Eddie’s face, but he must’ve been in the shadows towards the back.  

Old Father Joe spoke up, raising the Bible as he spoke, drawing the residents’ attention away from you.  ‘Long ago, God sent his Son to walk among us.  That Son was Jesus and he died for our sins, innocent though he was.  Tonight we will offer up the soul of one just as innocent, and we ask that the Lord accept our sacrifice of one so pure, and forgive us the sins we are forced to commit.  We thank God for giving us free will, and we pray that he one day sees fit to relieve us of the hell that has come to reign on our earth, and bring an end to the monsters that plague us each and every day.’

‘Amen,’ chorused the crowd, and you shook your head in disbelief.

‘Shit, if you really think I’m as pure as the Son of God, you should really have met my boyfriend.  He would definitely have told you differently!’

‘Shut up!’  You’d pushed Helena to her limit, and she marched towards you, viciously backhanding you across the face, and splitting open the cheek which had just knitted together after her attack on you in the tent.  

As a gasp ran through the Congregation, another loud boom split the air, but this time you could see the smoke as the explosive went off, somewhere behind the treeline.   _The signal?_

Again, you searched wildly for Eddie, seeking clarification or reassurance, but you couldn’t find him and you began to panic again.  Everyone around you was gazing towards the horizon, watching as the cloud spread over the top of the forest, before with another loud bang, the land immediately in front of the fence line erupted in a shower of dirt.  One of the guards had been thrown backwards into the fence, but it was already crumpling under the force of the blow, and then you heard the groans and snarls of the undead that were staggering out of the trees.

_Now, that’s the signal._

Screams went up from the crowd as they began to disperse, some reaching for weapons, whilst others ran wildly, fleeing for their lives.  You watched as the guards began to fire on the nearest corpses, but there were so many of them, drawn by the trail of explosions that had led them straight to the camp.  

Stevie and the man on your other side left you to go and join the fight, and you crashed to the ground hard, unable to support yourself with your limbs still secured.  You had to think fast, that’s what he’d said, and you did as instructed, contorting your body so that you push your bottom back through your arms and pull your legs through, feeling your shoulders crack as you successfully managed to bring your hands to the front of you.  As Helena strode past you, making for the marquee, you hooked your arms around her legs, tripping her so that she slammed into the ground with a gasp of pain, winded and vulnerable, twisting round onto her back as you dragged yourself on top of her, raising your fists above your head and bringing them down with a vicious clanging sound against her skull, the edge of the cuffs tearing her skin and sending blood streaming down her face.  

‘You little bitch,’ she rasped as she struggled beneath you, unbalancing you easily and throwing you to the ground, rolling on top of you as she drew her first back and drove it in your face.  You couldn’t let her get the upperhand, knew you were dead if you did, and you brought your knees up with as much force as you could muster, sending her up and over your head as you followed through, rolling to your feet, before coming tumbling down on top of her once again.  

‘You’re about to see what a bitch I can be,’ you growled, spreading your wrists to pull the chain of the cuffs tight and leaning all of your weight on it as you held it to her throat.  She tossed and flailed beneath you, but fear and adrenaline had made you strong, and you stayed steady, watching as she began to gasp for air, her face red with the effort of trying to draw in oxygen.  ‘Doesn’t feel good, does it?  Being powerless, out of control.  This is for everything you’ve done.’

As her body stilled beneath you, you lifted your arms again and brought the cuffs down on her head one last time, wincing at the sound of the flesh splitting.  

Rolling off of her, you sat up to survey the chaos that was going on around you.  Walkers had flooded in to the camp, and everywhere you looked were bullets and terrified faces, as the undead feasted.  You needed to get out of there and fast.  Turning back to Helena, you began to run your hands over her body, checking for pockets, pouches, anywhere that she could have put the keys to the cuffs that were still binding you.

_Come on, come on, come on._

Her chest was still rising and falling, though her breaths were shallow.  Not dead then, just unconscious.

You heaved her over so that she lay on her front, feeling over the back pockets of her jeans, your heart in your mouth as you watched the biters getting closer, their arms dripping flesh and gore as they reached out for you.  Your fingers traced the outline of a key, and you almost shrieked with relief as you eased your fingers under the fabric and found the cool metal, pulling it out, and twisting round to slide it into the lock beside your ankle.  

_Please fit, please work, come on, I need to get out._

Your hands were shaking so hard that you couldn’t get it to fit into the slot and you screamed in frustration, as the first pair of hands grabbed at your hair.  

‘No!’  You turned to defend yourself but the walker was already dropping, and Eddie was there beside you, taking the key from your trembling fingers and slipping it into the lock, freeing your legs before moving on to the restraints on your wrists.  ‘Thank you, oh my God, thank you!’

You staggered to your feet, reaching for him, but he was already backing away, raising his rifle as he threw himself back into the battle.  ‘Get out of here!  Go!’

‘Eddie-’

'I didn’t realise there’d be so many. It was just supposed to be a distraction. This wasn’t supposed to happen!’

Leaving him to deal with his guilt, unable to find it in your heart to care about those being torn apart around you, you took off, weaving and dodging under the arms of the biters, bending to snag a knife from one of those that had already fallen, leaping over bodies as you made for the hole in the fence.  You heard a bullet whizz past your head and turned to see Old Father Joe in pursuit, his pistol raised as he took aim again.  The trees… You just needed to reach the trees and you’d be able to lose him, but there were so many corpses between you and where you needed to be.

You struck out with your blade, taking down biter after biter as they grabbed at you, working on pure instinct as you fought.  Your body remembered this, even if it had been a while, and you moved fast, intent on reaching the shadows of the forest.  

Breaking through the densest part of the herd, you threw yourself towards the trees, finally making the treeline and running blindly through the darkness as you fought to put as much distance between you and the Congregation as possible.  You tripped on roots and masses of undergrowth, keeping your hands raised in front of you to ensure your path was clear, the sound of footsteps behind you as you headed deeper in to the forest.  It wasn’t just Old Father Joe following you then, but a whole group that had broken away from the fight, determined that you shouldn’t get away.  Beams of torch light cut through the night, and you ducked low to avoid being highlighted through the gloom, your breath coming in loud, ragged gasps as you pushed yourself to run faster, to keep moving.

You could hear them closing on you, and the iron band around your chest was getting tighter and tighter, your lack of vision only increasing your growing sense of panic.  And then suddenly strong arms were wrapping around you and hauling you backwards, a hand coming down to clamp over your mouth, silencing the scream that had been fighting its way up your throat as you were held firmly against a solid chest, barely daring to breathe as you were tugged backwards behind a thick tree trunk, the beams of light moving past you as the footsteps got closer and then continued on.  

The smell that enveloped you took your breath away, it was so painfully familiar, and tears sprung into your eyes as the tang of cigarette smoke, engine oil and musk overwhelmed you.  As the arms that held you loosened their grip, the body behind you stepping away, you spun towards your rescuer, your eyes wide as they searched in the darkness for the face you so desperately wanted to see, but no, it couldn’t be possible, could it.  You could just make out the piercing blue of his eyes, but you needed more, had to be sure, and you raised your hands to trace over his face, ghosting over the features that you knew so well, scratching through the scruff, before coming up to lace into the long hair that fell to his shoulders.

You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t process that it was Daryl standing in front of you in that moment, and you opened your mouth to speak, but he held a finger to his lips, nodding in the direction that your trackers had headed in.   _Quiet_.  But you had so much you wanted to say.  And then he was stepping towards you, and pulling you flush against him, bending down to press soft kisses over your skin, his lips brushing over the cuts and bruises that covered your face, until his mouth found yours and he sunk into you.  

It was a dream, it had to be a dream.  Daryl was dead, you were so sure of it, and yet he was kissing you, and it felt so real.

You heard the shouts of the men that had followed you into the trees, and the archer broke away from you, slipping his hands around your waist and nodding at the branch above your head.  Before you could react, he’d hoisted you into the air, and your arms flailed wildly before your fingers found purchase on the rough bark and you heaved yourself up, waiting for Daryl to clamber up and join you.  As soon as he was at your side, you started to climb.  You’d done this before, you and him.  

When he was satisfied that you were high enough to escape the attention of those on the ground, he edged back towards the trunk, settling himself against it and reaching for you. You let him pull you into the space between his legs, bunching the collar of his shirt in your hands as you fell apart at the seams and cried silently into his chest, your mind reeling as you struggled to process the fact that your world had suddenly righted itself again in the most miraculous way and that you were no longer alone.


	21. Chapter 21

You woke to the feeling of the sun on your face, the shadows of the leaves dancing over the backs of your eyelids, as you stretched, grateful for the strong arms that held you tight, cradling you against a warm chest that felt so comfortingly familiar.  The events of the previous night felt fuzzy and far away, and your body felt heavy with contentment and laziness.  The ghost of breath against your neck forced you to crack open your eyes, and you felt your body jolt at the realisation that you were so high up in the air, balanced precariously on a tree branch some way above the ground. 

‘S’alright, I gotcha.’  The rasp of the archer’s voice in your ear had every hair on your body standing on end as you relaxed back into his embrace, his lips brushing over your shoulder as you turned your head to nuzzle into him.  It felt like the most delicious dream, and you squeezed your eyes tight shut, determined to sink back into it, whimpering in protest when Daryl fidgeted, dislodging you from your position curled against him. As you shifted your weight to steady yourself, you realised how much you ached, the backs of your thighs complaining about the continued pressure of the rough bark through your jeans. You had no idea how long you’d been up there but it must’ve been hours, and you knew Daryl must be feeling sore too. Inching along the branch, you gave him the space he needed to descend, following down closely behind him, feeling a wave of relief wash over you as your boots hit the ground with a satisfying thud.

For a long time you just stood and stared at each other, drinking in the features that were so familiar and so foreign all at once.  You wanted to reach out and touch him, just to reassure yourself that he was actually there, but he beat you to it, trailing his fingers over the gash on your cheek before rubbing his thumb over your bottom lip as he cupped your chin, his eyes locked on yours as though entranced. 

The rustle of leaves nearby broke you out of the moment, and you turned to see a walker emerging from the bushes, pulling your knife from its holster and sliding it easily into the corpse’s skull.  When you turned back to Daryl, he nodded his head towards the depths of the forest, and you gave him a small smile.   _Time to get going._

Neither of you spoke as you walked, though you kept constant physical contact with each other, fingers laced together or an arm around a waist.  It was as if you were both so scared that this was all in your imagination, that if you said anything or let the other go, you might blink and find yourselves back in the nightmare of your realities.  You couldn’t help but sneak glances at him, your eyes roaming greedily over his rugged features, the broad cut of his shoulders and the defined muscles in his arms.  He was every bit as gorgeous as you remembered and you longed to wrap yourself around him and reassure yourself over and over again that he was solid and real and here with you, but you knew that you needed to get as far away from the Congregation as possible.  They’d come looking for you, you were sure of it.  If you’d been right and Helena had survived your attack on her, you still hadn’t taken a life.  The thought had you tensing up, and you felt Daryl’s grip on your hand tighten in response.  You still couldn’t quite believe that he was actually back at your side.

 

* * *

 

 

Daryl had so many questions that he wanted to ask, but his beautiful girl looked too battered and bruised, too dead on her feet exhausted to be up to filling him in on where she’d been all this time, on how she was alive and walking beside him, shadowing him back to his camp as his mind reeled at this sudden turn of events.  Plus, he was reluctant to break the silence, scared that this might all turn out to be just another hallucination, that he really had gone insane this time.  But he could smell the floral perfume of her, the sweat that coated her skin, the copper tang of her blood as it dried and crusted over her cheek.  He’d never pictured her in such a sorry state before, and in a sick way it reassured him that this was real, that Y/N had come back to him.  

As his little campsite came into view, he pulled her closer, tightening his grip on her waist, and pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.  ‘Here we are.’

‘This is home?’  Her voice was husky with tiredness and the strain of shouting the night before, and he saw the relief in her face when he nodded.  They’d been walking for a long time, and he’d been able to tell that she was struggling by the increasing weight of her as she leaned on him.  ‘I like it.’

‘S’not much.’

‘It’s good.’ She sank to the ground, running her hands through her hair as she yawned, gazing around at his little set up.  

‘Ya hungry?’

‘No,’ she lied, though her stomach rumbled in protest.  She was too stressed out and elated and furious and confused to eat.  The past twenty-four hours had been overwhelming in so many ways, and she was sure if she tried to digest food she’d be sick.

‘Well, can I get ya some water or somethin’?’

‘Just come and sit with me,’ she pleaded, her eyes welling up with tears again as he stepped towards her, lowering himself to the floor, and slipping his hands around her waist to pull her into his lap.  She grimaced at the pressure and he realised she was more hurt than he’d first thought.  ‘I don’t understand this.  I don’t understand any of this.’

‘You ‘n’ me both, girl,’ he admitted.  ‘Where ya been?  I mean… God, yer alive.  I thought…’

‘I thought you were dead, Daryl,’ she sniffed, as she fought against the wave of emotion that threatened to drag her under again.  ‘They told me they razed Alexandria to the ground, that there was nothing left.  This guy, he told me… he said he shot you himself.  I just… I ran.  I didn’t know what else to do!’

‘Shit.’  The realisation of the game that the Saviors had played hit the archer like a Mack truck.  ‘S’what they told me too, that ya got bit when I let the walkers in.  I thought ya were dead.  I thought it was my fault.’

It was his turn to cry now, unable to control himself as his guilt and despair slowly ebbed away.  He sobbed into her shoulder, her hands stroking his hair, brushing it back from his face so that she could plant soft kisses over his forehead.  ‘It’s okay, it’s okay, I promise you, I’m okay.’

‘Fuckin’ sons o’ bitches,’ Daryl growled, as he scrubbed at his face with the heels of his hands, wiping away his tears, his cheeks red and puffy.  ‘S’all just a game to them, ain’t it?  They’re messin’ with people’s lives.  Don’t they know they’re the fuckin’ losers in this goddamn war?!’

‘Wait, the Saviors lost?’  Y/N’s confused expression showed him how little she knew about the war and the aftermath, and he bowed his head as he searched for the words to explain, to tell her what he’d done, what they’d all had to do.  He couldn’t do it.  She was looking at him with so much love and adoration in her eyes, and he couldn’t ruin that, not yet.  

‘Yeah, they lost.  Rick’s got Negan locked up in Morgan’s cell right now.’

‘In Alexandria?’

‘Yep, the place is still standin’.  There was a lot of fixin’ up to do, but it’s good as new by now I reckon.’

‘And everyone’s okay?’

A knot formed in Daryl’s stomach as he realised that he was going to have to break her heart.  ‘Not e’ryone.  I mean, it was a war ‘n’ all.’

‘Who?’  Her eyes were searching his face for any clue as he took his time in answering, not wanting to make her cry again.  

‘Carl.’

‘No!’  Her scream was heart-wrenching and visceral, as she folded in on herself, her body racked with sobs as she wept for the little boy that had been one of her best friends.  ‘No, no no, not him!  Why?  How?’

‘Got bit,’ was all Daryl could say.  ‘It wasn’ the war, it was just a walker.  Wrong place, wrong time.’

‘He was just a kid.’

‘He wasn’ just a kid,’ he corrected her.  ‘He was a fighter.  Saved most of us the night they bombed the place.  Prob’ly wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.’

She broke down again, and he held her, rocking her gently as she let all of her pain and anguish and grief flood out of her.  God, she was his girl, but she was so different too.  She had a haunted look behind her eyes, as though she’d been through something too big for him to comprehend.  He wondered if she thought the same about him.

When she’d cried herself out, he couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer.  ‘What the hell happened last night, Y/N?  Who were those men?  What were ya runnin’ from?’

‘I…’  She trailed off, unsure how to even begin to explain.  ‘How come you were there?’

‘I kept hearin’ these bangs.  Figured it for thunder ‘n’ thought I should try ‘n’ find some shelter, case there was a storm rolling in.  Then I saw the smoke, ‘n’ I realised somethin’ weren’ right.’

‘So, you followed the explosions?’

He nodded.  ‘Hung back a bit cos I didn’ wanna end up in the middle of a herd.  Then I heard all hell break loose up ahead.’

’Eddie,’ she whispered, and his brow furrowed in confusion.  ‘He saved me.’

‘Whatcha talkin’ about?  What happened?’

She took a deep breath, and then she started to speak, and once she’d started it was like she couldn’t stop.  The floodgates had opened, and it all came pouring out, everything that had happened to her since she’d left the Sanctuary: the isolation, the hunger, the exhaustion, the accident in the barn, and the Congregation.  Daryl listened with increasing horror as she described the twisted rituals, his arms tightening around her as if he could shield her from the memories that she was reliving as tears streamed down her face.  He wished he could go back, do everything differently, protect her from everything that had hurt her since the last time he’d held her this way.  When she’d finally finished her story, her whole body deflated as though, by getting it out, she’d let something go, but he could still see the trauma behind her eyes.  

‘M’sorry, Y/N.  M’sorry I wasn’ there for ya, that I let this happen.’

‘Daryl, it wasn’t your fault.’

‘I shoulda kept lookin’ for ya.  I shouldn’a just believed the word of some scumbag Savior.  If I hadn’t-’

‘You probably wouldn’t have found me anyway,’ she interrupted him.  ‘I was moving pretty much constantly until I found that place.  The chances of you running into me would have been one in a million, D.’

‘But-’

‘Look, you’re here now, and I don’t wanna talk anymore, okay?  I don’t want to think anymore!  We’re here, and we’re alive, and we’re together, so could you please just kiss me, because I just need you, D, please.  I need you.’

The urgency and desperation in her eyes took his breath away, and he reached for her face, cupping her cheeks in his hands and bringing his mouth to hers, feeling her gasp at the jolt of electricity that passed between them as their lips moved together.  He sunk into her, pulling her closer, feeling her kisses getting greedier as he shifted to lay her down on the leaf-strewn ground, their hands wandering, exploring, reacquainting themselves after so long apart.

‘God, I missed this,’ he rasped as her teeth scraped over his collarbone, and she hummed in agreement, too lost in the intensity of his touch to form words anymore.  

He was so torn, half of him needing to feel her skin on his, to crash into her and lose himself in her until all of the time and the pain and the distance melted away, whilst the other half wanted to savour every kiss, every brush of her hair over his face, every scratch of her nails down his spine.  So, he let her take control, encouraged her to take what she needed from him, and he moved with her, helping her to forget, wrapping himself around her while she came undone, cracking apart beneath him until he saw a glimpse of the girl he loved and grabbed on to her, coaxing her out, until she was all there was, and they were together, and it was perfect.  

Just for a moment, life was perfect.


	22. Chapter 22

Daryl watched Y/N sleep. She’d been out for hours and he thought it had probably been a long while since she’d let herself get any real rest. He longed to reach out and touch her, stroke her hair back from her face, but he didn’t want to wake her. She’d stayed awake just long enough after they’d gotten reacquainted to pull her pants back up her legs, and then she’d drifted off in his arms. He’d forgotten how small and fragile she felt, how warm her body was against his chest as he held her close, how peaceful her smile was after she’d come down from her high. God, he loved everything about her. Finding her alive, he felt like he’d been given a second chance, an opportunity to make things better, to stop pushing her away and be the man she needed him to be, and he swore as he watched her chest rise and fall in her easy slumber that he would make the most of every single moment with her, if she’d let him.

He knew that at some point it would occur to her stressed out, overworked brain that if Alexandria was still standing then there was no reason why they shouldn’t go back there. He was a little surprised that she’d so readily accepted his makeshift camp in the woods as home, but then again, at that moment in time, home was simply where the other was, and the time alone was something that he at least was treasuring. He hadn’t felt this close to her in a long long time.

As she stirred, he trailed his fingers over her cheek, watching as her mouth quirked into a contented smile as she twisted to press a soft kiss to his fingertips, her eyes fluttering open to meet his gaze.

‘I love you.’ They were the first words out of her mouth as the haze of sleep cleared and his heart skipped a beat as he realised how lucky he was to have had the most important thing in his world returned to him.

'I love ya too,’ he whispered, leaning down to graze her lips with his, eliciting a soft sigh from her. 'More than anythin’.’

It was true, had been true for such a long time that he’d forgotten what it was like to live without her dominating his every waking thought. The pain of her betrayal, her marriage to Negan, had barely crossed his mind since he’d found her, and he hoped that that would mean they had the strength to move past it, though he knew that at some point she’d want to discuss it, to come clean and ask for forgiveness. That’s just what Y/N was like. She wasn’t one to run from problems. She tended to want to face them head on and resolve them, just something else that had driven them apart before. She’d wanted to talk, and Daryl had wanted to bury his head in the sand, so they’d achieved nothing.  Never again.

He knew too that he’d have to talk to her about the things he’d done, the pieces of himself that he’d lost. He needed her to know, to understand and accept this new damaged version of him, but he just wasn’t sure how to bring it up, how to start the conversation. He figured it would come up naturally over time, particularly when she started questioning his decision to split from the others. For now, he didn’t want to ruin the moment by forcing honest truths on his girl that she wasn’t prepared for. Better to wait.

Y/N pushed herself up so that she was sitting, stretching out her aching muscles, her face contorting in a yawn before she spoke again.

’D, can we go home? Back to Alexandria?’ Sensing his hesitation, she gave him a small smile.  'I don’t mean now, obviously. We won’t make it before dark. But tomorrow, maybe?’

_Or not…_

 

* * *

 

_'Hand over your weapons.’_

_Daryl’s eyes scanned over the bikers that blocked the road in front of the tanker he’d managed to get running when Dwight and Sherry had left him and Y/N in the woods.  Even reunited with Sasha and Abraham, they still outnumbered his small group, and they looked well-armed.  Even so, it went against the grain to follow orders issued by a complete stranger, and he was pretty fed up with being taken for a ride after the day he’d had.  All he wanted was to get Y/N home, back behind the safety of the fences, so he could lick his wounds and curse every damn person that had tried to put a bullet through their skulls.  ‘W_ _hy should we?’_

_'Well, they’re not yours,’ the leader of the gang scoffed._

_Sasha spoke up, her voice tense and dangerous, and Daryl found himself praying that she wouldn’t do anything reckless. 'Whose are they?’_

_The man she addressed took a step forward, his eyes narrowing at the challenge in her tone. 'Your property now belongs to Negan.’_

_Daryl glanced at Y/N to see her brow was furrowed in confusion as she struggled to place the name, noting the tension in her small frame as her hands rested on her hips. She was holding it together and for that he was grateful. He would’ve totally understood if her anxiety was at crisis levels after everything they’d been through over the past couple of days._

_'If you can get your hands on a tanker,’ the man continued. 'You’re people our person wants to know. So, let’s get those sidearms, shall we?’_

_He started towards Daryl, gesturing for him to hand over his gun, which the archer did reluctantly.  The other bikers all had their own weapons aimed at the group’s heads, and he could see in their eyes that they wouldn’t think twice about taking one or two of them out if necessary.  Y/N and Sasha followed suit, though he heard his girl murmur, 'Asshole,’ under her breath as the man moved on._

_When Abe hesitated before reaching for his weapon, the man leant towards him, a wicked sneer on his face. 'If you have to eat shit, best not to nibble.  Bite, chew, swallow, repeat.  Goes quicker.’_

_God, Daryl wanted to hurt him.  He wanted to hurt him bad.  The bastard just seemed to love the sound of his own voice, which made him exactly the kind of person that he hated._

_'Who are you people?’ Sasha asked as he turned to walk back towards his bike, all four of the group’s guns clutched in his hands._

_'I get the curiosity, but we have questions ourselves, and we’ll be the ones asking them while we drive you back to wherever it is you call home.’_

_Y/N’s hands dropped from her hips and she instinctively reached for Daryl, lacing her fingers through his as he edged closer to her, longing to wrap her in his arms and keep her safe._

_‘Take a gander at where it is you hang your hats,’ the man continued.  ‘First though, your shit.  What have you got for us?’  
_

_‘You just took it,’ Daryl snapped, growing impatient with this.  There was no way in hell he was leading these freaks back to the Safe Zone, and he could sense from the atmosphere that hung over his comrades that they were thinking the same thing.  
_

_The biker hung his head for a moment, sighing loudly, before locking his eyes on the archer’s once more.  ‘C,mon, I mean… Can we not, okay?  There’s more.  There is always more.’_

_He gestured to one of his gang, a hulk of a man with a beard, who immediately dismounted, ready to follow orders.  ‘Take my man to the back of the truck.  Start inside the back bumper.  Work your way to the front.’_

_The bearded man approached Daryl, shoving him in the chest to get him to move, and Y/N let out a cry of distress as he was muscled out of sight.  He wanted to call out to her, to reassure her, but he knew this was his chance to deal with the situation.  He was one-on-one with one of the bastards now, and he knew Abe had managed to pick up some pretty heavy artillery from wherever he and Sasha had holed up whilst waiting for him and Y/N to find them.  If he was quick and quiet, he could end this._

_The sight of the bikers erupting in a ball of fire was worth every stomach-knotting moment of his struggle with his captor, and the blade that had cut through his vest and shirt into the muscle of his shoulder, almost painful enough to make him cry out.  As he rounded the back of the tanker, his girl flew to him, crashing against his chest, and he let the RPG fall to his side as he snaked his arm round her waist and held her close, doing his best to soothe her, to still the violent trembling of her body._

_‘Son of a bitch was tougher than he looked,’ he grumbled to Sasha and Abraham who had made their way over to see the fallen biker at the back of the vehicle.  
_

_‘Did he cut you?’  Sasha had noticed the blood soaking through the leather of his vest, and Daryl nodded.  
_

_‘A little.  What a bunch of assholes!’_

_She was holding a rag to his shoulder, trying to stem the bleeding as Y/N disentangled herself from him to check on the damage.  ‘Is it bad?’_

_‘It’ll heal,’ Sasha reassured her, but kept the pressure on as much as she could.  ‘Come on, let’s get this fixed up at home.’_

_‘Yes, ma’am.’_

_As Daryl drove, Y/N tucked into his side as Sasha and Abe talked quietly between themselves, drowned out by the roar of the engine beneath them, his mind began to wander.  How many people had he just killed?  Eight?  Nine?  He’d killed before, of course, but never that many in one hit, and he wasn’t sure if it should bother him or not.  He’d had to do it.  They were sure to have killed one of them if not, and if they’d been forced to take them back to Alexandria it could’ve been a hell of a lot worse, but still…  His initial reaction had been satisfaction, but now he could feel a heaviness in his chest that hadn’t been there before, and he fought to push it down, to rise above it.  That was the world these days, wasn’t it?  Kill or be killed.  Well, he wasn’t going down without a fight.  If that meant he had to resort to drastic measures, then so be it._

 

* * *

 

Y/N was still watching him, waiting for an answer, and he shifted uncomfortably, hugging his knees to his chest and letting his hair fall forward over his face as he chewed on his bottom lip.

‘Daryl, what is it?’

‘I ain’t goin’ back,’ he mumbled, keeping his head bowed so he didn’t have to see her reaction.  ‘I can’t.’

She was silent for a moment as she processed this, and then the questions started.  ‘What?  Why?  Daryl, what happened?  I don’t understand.  Is everything okay?’

‘Nah, I mean, it’s fine.  Alexandria’s fine.  It’s…’  He tailed off, trying to find the words.  ‘It’s me.’

‘D, talk to me.’

He exhaled loudly, but knew he had to get it off his chest, hope that she’d understand what he’d become and why.  ‘I jus’… I ain’t so safe to be ‘round these days, s’all.  I did things durin’ the war.  I got dark, real dark, ‘n’ I killed a lotta people, ‘n’ I jus’… I’m not sure I’m ever comin’ back from that.’

‘I don’t get it.’  She shuffled closer to him, reaching out to lay her hand on his arm, squeezing it gently as she tried to meet his eyes.  ‘It was war.  I mean, surely everyone killed.  That’s what war is, right?  But you did it for your family, for me.’

‘Yeah, but it’s different, Y/N, alright?  I jus’…  I get so angry, ‘n’ I can’t turn it off.  I shot people that’d surrendered, I mean…  It was like I just got so caught up in it all, ‘n’ I can’t… I can’t figure out how t’ be the kinda man that don’t shoot first, think later anymore.’

‘You can, Daryl.  You are.  The war is over.  You can stop.’

‘But I can’t!’ he snapped, and she let her hand fall, her brow creasing as she frowned at him, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she ran her eyes anxiously over his reddening face.  ‘Don’t ya get it?  It ain’t just about the war.  S’about me!  ‘Fore this, I was stayin’ in a cabin, ‘n’ a couple o’ guys came snoopin’, scopin’ the place out.  I took ‘em out ‘fore they even got in the door!  They had kids, Y/N!  Lil’ kids, ‘n’ wives!  What if it had been them that came in first, huh?  Wouldn’a mattered.  I just saw red ‘n’ I shot.  That’s who I am now.’

‘D, I don’t-’

‘What if next time it’s Judith sneakin’ up on me, or ‘Chonne, or Tara, or one of the neighbour kids?  What if I can’t stop this rage from bubblin’ up inside o’ me no more?  I ain’t gonna put none of them in danger if I can help it, ‘n’ I can help it by stayin’ away.’

‘You wouldn’t do that though, D,’ she argued, her tone almost pleading as she took in his distressed state.  ‘You’d never hurt them.’

‘Yeah, well I ain’t so sure of what I would ‘n’ wouldn’t do right now.  So, if ya need t’ go, I’ll take ya back, but I ain’t stayin’, girl.  I can’t, okay?  M’sorry.’  Every word shot a spike of pain through his heart, but he had to offer her an out, had to give her a chance to go home, even if it would destroy him to lose her again.  But she was shaking her head and reaching for his hand, linking her fingers with his and rubbing her thumb across his knuckle.  

‘No, don’t be stupid.  I’m not going anywhere.  You are my home.  If this is what you need, then I’m with you, okay?’

The relief that washed over him was one emotion too many and he tilted his head back to hold in the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.  God, what had happened to him?  When did he become this mess?  He felt Y/N squirming into his arms, clambering into his lap to straddle him and meeting his mouth in hot, sloppy kisses as she tried to distract him from his suffering.  Her hands were roaming over his chest and shoulders, and before long he stopped thinking, losing himself in the sweet taste of her as they tangled together and the rest of the world melted away.  This was all he needed, just her, and she wasn’t leaving him.  

Later that evening, as they curled up together against the cold chill of dusk, whispering about the past and the present and the future, hushed confessions about what they’d been through and what they wanted to happen to next, a thought occurred to Y/N and she tentatively broached the subject, not wanting Daryl to fall to pieces again.

‘D, the men you killed, the group with the kids…  Was one of the women pregnant?’

She felt him nod against her shoulder and she sighed sadly.  

‘They were with the community I was with, the Congregation.  They weren’t good people.  They were in on it all, the sacrifices and everything.  They ran because their kids were the next ones in line for the cross.  But before that, they just let it all happen.  They weren’t like us.’

He didn’t speak, but she heard him sniffle and felt dampness seeping into her hair as he held her tighter.

* * *


	23. Chapter 23

The only sound was the crunch of your footsteps through the undergrowth and the soft huffs of your breaths as you wandered through the forest, hand in hand despite the sweat that pooled between your palms in the midday heat.  Daryl had been quiet since his revelations the night before, but had woken with the urgent desire to get on the road again, so you’d helped him to pack up the camp, stuffing the few belongings you had into his backpack, and filling a couple of bottles with water from the stream, and then you’d headed off into the trees, unsure of where you were going or what it was that the archer was really looking for.

You’d barely slept, going over the conversation again and again in your head, your concern only increasing as you held him close, watching his brow crease as he fought invisible foes in his nightmares.  There had been a time when your arms around him had been enough to quiet his disturbed dreams, but now all you could do was watch and rub soothing circles over his back as he twitched and grunted.  You wished you knew what to say to him to ease his guilt and the burden of the lives that he’d taken which seemed to rest heavy on his shoulders. You’d seen a glimpse of it when he’d killed the cop that had shot Beth in the hospital, knew how quickly he could lose control, firing off a round and ending a life before his brain had caught up with his actions.  The war must have been ten times worse, especially when he knew that he was fighting against the people that were holding you captive.  You could picture him now, acting solely on instinct, a cold, hard killer, never hesitating or feeling remorse, but that wasn’t who he was, not really, and just the fact that he was suffering so badly now was proof that he was still a good man.  He was your man.

The idea of never seeing any of your people again was almost more than you could bear, but leaving him was completely out of the question.  When he’d offered you the chance to go, you hadn’t even considered it.  How could you give him up when you’d just got him back?  Daryl was such a big part of you that without him you felt like you were walking around with a hole in your heart.  If all there was for the rest of your life was just you and him, then it would be a good life, and you would make whatever sacrifices you needed to to keep him at your side.

‘So, do you have some vague idea of where we’re going?’ you asked eventually, breaking the silence with your need to know that he had some kind of plan, but he shook his head.

'Jus’ walkin’.’

'Well, are we heading in a particular direction, or-’

'Should be a river up ahead. Figured we’ll just follow it 'til…’

'’Til what?’

'’Til we find a place.’

You nodded slowly, not feeling reassured by his nonchalance, but you knew he needed this, to keep moving, so you cleared your throat and changed the subject.

’D'you ever think about the prison?’

He turned to you, his brow furrowed with confusion as he frowned.  'What about it?’

'Well, just… what it’s like now, I guess.  Whether it’s overrun with walkers or whether another group’s moved in, fixed it up.’

He was looking at you like you’d gone mad.  'Ya wanna go back there 'n’ check it out or somethin’?’

'No, of course not.  I just… I was thinking about it last night when you were sleeping.  We had some good times there.’

'We lost Lori there, 'n’ T.  Hershel lost his leg, then got done in by that scumbag Governor.  I lost my brother, again.  We got attacked, what, two, three times?  The whole place was surrounded by walkers.  Half the group nearly died of the flu.  What part of that was good exactly?’

'The parts with you,’ you murmured, hurt by his vicious criticism of the place that had felt most like home to you.  'The parts with us. All those nights up in the guard tower.  What you did for my Birthday, lying on the hood of the truck with you under the stars.  Realising how in love with you I was.  The first time we…y'know.  It wasn’t all bad.’

Daryl just scoffed, not even pausing to look at you as you went over the memories you shared.  'I’ll bet ya miss the damn Sanctuary too, right?’

'What?  No!'  You were stunned.  He had to know how you’d been treated there, the torture you’d been subjected to.  He’d gone through the exact same thing, so how could he even begin to imply that you could possibly have any fond memories of the Saviors’ headquarters.  'That place could burn to the ground for all I care.  It was hell.’

'For some us, it was hell.'  There was something in his tone, an edge to his voice that you couldn’t identify and it left you feeling uneasy and slightly hurt.  You let your fingers fall from his as he quickened his pace, moving ahead and leaving you stumbling wearily behind.

 

* * *

 

_’D, what’s going on?’_

_You could sense the tension in the archer’s body from down the street and had broken into a jog to reach his side as he paced back and forth across the porch, a lit cigarette clamped between his thumb and forefinger._

_He turned to give you a weary smile as you climbed the steps towards him, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you into his chest.  His clothes were damp with sweat and you could feel his tiredness emanating from him as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head._

_'Brought someone back with us,’ he filled you in, shaking his head. 'The son of a bitch managed to lose us the whole truckload o’ supplies we’d found.  Food, ammo, fuckin’ toothpaste… S'all at the bottom of a damn lake now cos o’ that asshole.’_

_'Wait… what?’ Your brow was furrowed with confusion as you struggled to make some sort of sense out of Daryl’s concise version of the day’s events.  'You found supplies?’_

_'Yeah.’_

_'But you lost them?’_

_'Nah, that jackass lost them.’_

_'And who is he?’_

_'We dunno yet.  He’s out cold right now.  Rick thinks he comes from another community. Wants t’ question him when he wakes up.’_

_'Is that a good idea?’ Y ou were uncomfortable at the thought of engaging in any way with another community.  Historically, it hadn’t ended well for the group and it scared you that Daryl and Rick might have just stumbled across another Governor type character._

_Daryl just shrugged.  It’s Rick’s call.’_

_You couldn’t be bothered to argue, trusting the sheriff to know what would be in the Safe Zone’s best interests. 'Fine. Well, why don’t you come take a shower? We’ve been invited for dinner over at-’_

_'I ain’t showering for some stupid dinner party!’ the archer snapped, pulling away from you and dropping his cigarette to the ground, grinding it out under the heel of his boot. “Sides, someone’s gotta keep watch over this freak tonight. I ain’t sure what time I’ll be home.’_

_'But, D, I’ve barely seen you in-’_

_'Look, some of us actually have important shit to take care of, alright?’ Daryl’s eyes were cold as he rounded on you and you felt yourself cowering away from him. 'We can’t all sit on our asses singing nursery rhymes or making macaroni art or whatever it is you do all damn day.’_

_His words stung and you felt tears welling up in your eyes as you backed away from him.  So much had changed since you’d come to Alexandria. You often felt like you were walking on eggshells with the archer’s sudden mood swings. You knew he preferred to be outside of the fences, and you’d made your peace with his extended recruitment trips with Aaron, but you still missed him when he was away.  When he returned, he was often irritable, struggling with the suburban domesticity of the community after so long out on the road. You still rubbed along together okay, but you longed for the days when you’d been able to crawl into his lap and tell him about your day without him rolling his eyes like he didn’t give a damn, like what you were trying to do, educating the kids as best you could, wasn’t important._

_You hadn’t even really wanted to go to the stupid dinner, but you knew that Eric had made his spaghetti and thought that perhaps it might be a nice homecoming meal for the archer after his run with Rick. You still weren’t really that comfortable with any of your neighbours, spending most evenings curled up in bed alone, or with the family you’d arrived with. You ached with loneliness when Daryl was away, but you tried to push it down for him, to give him the freedom he needed.  Now, you wondered why you bothered._

_'Fine, that’s… that’s just fine, Daryl. You stay here and watch over your prisoner. At least without you in the house I can sleep in an actual bed instead of out on the porch like some kind of redneck scumbag.'  You regretted the words as soon as they left your mouth but you were still smarting from the way he’d turned on you, so you spun on your heel and stalked off down the street, unable to turn back in case he should see the tears streaming down your face._

 

* * *

_It had turned out that the man they’d brought back, Jesus as he called himself, had come from another community.  He’d taken a large group of you back with him to The Hilltop the following day to try to set up an exchange of supplies that might benefit both parties involved, but instead you’d learnt that the entire settlement was beholden to Negan and his Saviors. You’d bristled when you’d heard the name, casting a sideways glance at Daryl and noting the way his fists had clenched at his sides._

_Still, as he spoke up and volunteered your family to take out the Saviors, to kill them all in return for food to keep Alexandria going for a while longer, you looked at him as though you barely recognised him.  It was one thing to kill because your people were in danger, but to offer up casual murder as a trade for supplies felt callous somehow. You stepped away from him, physically distancing yourself as your mind reeled at the negotiations happening around you, and then it was settled and you were heading home with a heavy heart and a knot in your stomach that you just couldn’t shift._

 

* * *

 

By the time Daryl had found a place where he felt it was safe to settle down for the night, you could barely see his face through the gloom and your legs felt leaden.  You dropped to the ground in a heap, burying your face in your arms as you fought against the waves of exhaustion that washed over you.   You hadn’t eaten, and the water you’d collected was rationed as you didn’t know when you might next find a source to keep you hydrated.  It had become a monumental effort to keep putting one foot in front of the other with no destination, no end in sight, but you had.  You’d continued to follow the archer even though every cell in your body was screaming at you that this was a bad idea.

'Get some rest.  I’ll keep watch.'  Daryl had been terse with you all afternoon, and that too was draining the little energy you had. You couldn’t figure out exactly what you’d done wrong, but his attitude was bothering you and you wished he’d just tell you if he was pissed off.

’D, is everything okay?’

’S'fine,’ he grumbled, sinking to the ground a little way away from you, stretching his legs out and leaning back on his hands.  'Why?’

'I dunno.  You’ve been kinda weird with me all day.’

'Ain’t tryin’ t’ be.  Jus’ gettin’ where we’re goin’, that’s all.’

'But we don’t know where we’re going.’

'Away, that’s where we’re goin’.  As far away as we can get.’

You fought the rising discomfort that caused your chest to constrict, crawling over to the archer and resting your head in his lap, looking for any slight sign of affection in his eyes, finding it when his hand came to rest in your hair, gently teasing the knotted strands with his fingers.

'I know it was hard for you to talk about everything last night,’ you started, and his expression went blank, his hand dropping to the ground once again.  'I just want you to know that I don’t judge you for any of it, Daryl. I love you and nothing’s going to change that.’

'Jus’ wanted t’ be honest with ya,’ he rasped, and the pain that flashed across his face took your breath away. ’S'what ya do with people ya love, ain’t it? Yer honest with 'em 'n’ they forgive ya.’

You nodded in agreement, and buried your face in the damp warmth of his shirt.

'Ya know ya can talk to me, right?’ Daryl asked and you nodded again, inhaling deeply as his scent enveloped you. ’'Bout anythin’.’

'I know,’ you whispered, but right in that moment you didn’t have anything to say, and so you just nestled further into him, and let sleep take you.


	24. Chapter 24

It was the fifth night in a row that Daryl had woken to find Y/N fighting for breath, her whole body trembling as she battled to draw oxygen into her lungs.  He could hear her gasping for air in the darkness, fumbling for his lighter so he could highlight her panicked face against the shadows where she sat, curled up with her knees pressed against her chest, her gun clutched white-knuckle tight in her fist.  She’d usually take the first watch, letting the archer get his head down and rest for a few hours before he’d relieve her and watch her over for the rest of the night, but after the first week, her anxiety had gotten out of control, leaving her a vulnerable sobbing mess.

Each time he found her in this state, he would wrap her up in his arms, breathing with her until her shaking subsided and she’d collapse against him, her body exhausted as the fear ebbed away.  He hated seeing her like this.  It killed him every time he saw her eyes wide with terror as her chest heaved, her lungs fighting to expand and give her the relief she needed.  He wasn’t even sure what it was that she was scared of: the dark, the walkers, strangers lurking in the trees, him…  Things weren’t good between them and he knew it was his fault.  Every promise he’d made to himself had slipped away as his jealousy and hurt had risen to the surface, and his mind had become saturated with toxic thoughts.

He knew she’d forgiven him for all of the things he’d done, all of the lives he’d taken, knew she didn’t judge him.  He could see in her eyes that she genuinely didn’t think of him any differently, but that bothered him more than he would have believed.  He’d admitted to her that he’d killed people on their knees in surrender, that he’d shot on instinct, without asking questions.  He’d told her he was out of control, that he couldn’t trust himself anymore, that he could feel the blood on his hands.  And she’d crawled into his lap and lost herself in him, wrapped herself around him and made him forget.  A small part of him couldn’t help but wonder if she’d done that with another bloodthirsty murderer not so long ago.  Maybe she found it easier to forgive what he’d done because she’d done it before.  Maybe a part of her got off on it.  He couldn’t believe that he was even thinking this of her, but the fact that she’d agreed to become a wife, to join Negan’s harem had risen to the surface of his mind as they’d grown comfortable in their routines once more, and he couldn’t force it back down.  The fact that she hadn’t mentioned it to him, that she hadn’t opened up when he’d given her the opportunity…  He could only assume that it was because the the head Savior had meant something to her, that she was hurting somehow without him, and it was cutting him up inside.  His anger simmered constantly below the surface, and as it did, he grew increasingly afraid that he would hurt her, that he would lash out and cause her harm.

Still, he loved her, and seeing her terrified and fighting for breath, locked inside a prison of anxiety and panic, was more than he could take.  He knew now that it was only a matter of time before he had to let her return home, to Alexandria and the family, and that would leave him facing a horrible decision.  Did he stay with her, or did he escort her back and take off again?  As he felt her grow calmer in his arms on that fifth night, he knew he had to make his choice. Y/N couldn’t go on like this. 

 

* * *

_‘What the hell were you thinking?’  Y/N rounded on Daryl as soon as they stepped through the door of their bedroom.  ‘What the hell kinda deal was that?  I can’t even believe those words came out of your mouth in there!’_

_‘Here we go,’ he grumbled, rolling his eyes as he dropped his bow onto the bed, sinking down next to it._

_'What?’_

_'Damn, girl, s'like ya don’t trust me to make decisions no more. I can’t do nothin’ without ya questionin’ me on it all the time.’_

_'Maybe I don’t trust you if this is the kinda shit you come up with!  Maybe you shouldn’t be making decisions for us anymore!’_

_‘We need food, Y/N, 'n’ it ain’t like we’ve never killed before.’_

_'Yeah, sure, we’ve killed, but that was when there was a direct threat to our family, Daryl. Not hiring us out as some sort of hit squad to take out an entire group for some community we don’t know anything about!’_

_'We know enough,’ he snapped. “Sides, it ain’t like we don’t know the Saviors are bad news. Wasn’t it them that stopped us on the road that time? 'N’ I’d put money on 'em bein’ the ones after Dwight’s group.’_

_'So, we know there’s a lot of them and that they’re completely psychotic!  Great, now I’m just dying to run headfirst into battle with them!’_

_'That ain’t what we’re gonna do.  We’re gonna go in at night, take 'em out while they sleep.  Bastards won’t have a chance to fight back.’_

_She staggered backwards, reeling at the cold edge to his voice, and he hated himself for sounding so callous.  It was how he dealt with these situations, shut it all out and just get on with the task in hand. 'Can you hear yourself right now? Killing people in their sleep?  What if they’re not all bastards, D?  What if there are families in there, women and children? You just gonna take them out too?’_

_'Look, I ain’t saying this is ideal, alright?’ His temper flared and he shoved himself up off the bed and began to pace agitatedly. 'But we’re in trouble here!  We’ve got too many people 'n’ not enough food to feed 'em all through the next week if we ain’t careful!  This is a solution!  It ain’t a good one, but right now it’s all we got!’_

_The fight went out of her at the harsh reality that he was presenting and when he reached for her, she let him wrap his arms around her waist and pull her to him.  He hated arguing with her, and these days it was all they seemed to do.  He could never find the words to apologise for what he’d become since the group had found the Safe Zone, or perhaps even before that, so he’d hold her and hope that she could somehow feel his regret.  ‘You really think this is the only way?’_

_'I do. I know it ain’t right, girl, I ain’t a monster, but it’ll buy us some time.  Ya saw the Hilltop.  They got resources that could change e'rythin’ for us. We ain’t got no choice.’_

_'I hate this.’_

_'I know.’_

_She sighed and sagged against him, relaxing into his embrace and snaking her arms up to loop round his neck, combing her fingers through his long hair.  It needed a cut, but whenever she suggested it he’d glare at her until she backed down.  He didn’t see much point in personal grooming these days._

_'I’m sorry if you think I’m questioning you, D,’ she murmured against the smooth leather of his vest. 'I don’t mean to. Of course I trust you.’_

_'I know.’_

_'Do you hate me?’ She sniffled as he pulled back, tilting her face up to meet his eyes as he shook his head at her._

_'Don’t be stupid. I love ya.’_

_'I love you, Daryl Dixon.’_

_She leant up on her tiptoes to press her lips against his, moaning into his mouth as he locked her in position, deepening the kiss and playing havoc with her senses as he relished in the delicious heat of her._

_'Guess I ain’t yer hero no more though, huh?’ he rasped as he pulled away._

_She narrowed her eyes at him, cocking her head as though thinking hard._

_'Nah, I’m pretty sure you still are.’ She giggled as he buried his face in the crook of her neck, his scruff scratching at her skin and making her squirm. 'You’ll always be my hero.’_

 

* * *

_Daryl hadn’t meant to eavesdrop.  He was lurking round the side of the house, toking on a cigarette as he gave Y/N a few more moments of peace to process the day’s events.  He’d taken a shift on fence duty, but as he paced back down the street, he’d seen her sitting dejectedly on the front porch, her pretty face contorted in a frown and it had broken his heart.  He felt responsible, and yet he knew in his gut that his way was the right way.  He’d moved into the shadows, leaving her to her thoughts, when he’d seen Maggie approaching from across the street, sinking down beside her friend who sighed loudly and leaned over to rest her head on the last remaining Greene’s shoulder._

_'You too, huh?’_

_'I hate everything about this, Mags.’_

_'I know, honey.’_

_'Do you agree with Daryl and Rick? Do you think we need to do this?’_

_She hesitated and Daryl could tell that she was as torn as his girl, though Maggie was more worldly these days, perhaps more cynical.  She’d lost so much. 'I think maybe it is. They’ve always done right by us before, haven’t they? So, if they think this is our only option then I guess we’ve just gotta follow their lead.’_

_'And you think the Hilltop can be trusted?’_

_'Well, I don’t trust Gregory, obviously. He gives me all sorts of bad vibes.’ _ _Daryl could practically picture the smirk on Maggie’s face as she remembered the community’s smarmy leader leering at her.  ‘__ But I like Jesus. There’s something about him. I think he’s a good guy to have on our side.'   _

_'What does Glenn make of all this?’_

_'He hates it as much as we do, but he’s been following Rick forever. Y'know he’ll do whatever’s asked of him, and that means I will too.’_

_'But what about-’_

_'If you say what about the baby I will scream!’_

_'You’re getting that a lot, huh?'_

_'You have no idea!  I’m pregnant, not handicapped!  I’m perfectly capable of joining in the fight if I’m needed.  What about you? You gonna be there?’_

_'I think I have to be,’ he heard Y/N admit. 'Daryl thinks I don’t trust him anymore, so I think I need to show willing on this one now.’_

_The archer’s stomach knotted at the misery in her voice and he longed to go to her and make everything okay.  How had he let things get this bad between them?  It was like he’d lost himself somewhere along the way and forgotten how to be the man she needed him to be._

_'Is everything alright with you two?’ Maggie asked, and he held his breath, not sure he wanted to hear Y/N’s answer._

_'I really don’t know. I feel like everything’s been such a struggle since we came here.  Daryl just can’t settle and I hate being here without him.  Half the time I miss him cos he’s out on the road with Aaron or Rick, and the other half we spend fighting or not talking.  I never imagined it would be this hard, me and him.’_

_'Oh, it’s always hard,’ Maggie reassured her, and he heard the wooden boards of the porch creak as they shifted position, probably moving closer together to draw strength from each other. 'Remember back at the prison when Glenn wanted to go back to Woodbury all guns blazing?  He couldn’t sleep at night knowing the Governor was out there.  I couldn’t look at him, let alone talk to him. I really thought it’d destroy us at one point there, but here we are now, happy and with a baby on the way.  You’ve just gotta decide if what you’ve got is worth fighting for and, if my opinion’s worth a dime, I think it is.’_

_'Of course it is, I know, you’re right.  I love him.  God, I love him so much that I feel like I’m being ripped in two when he’s not here.  I just… I’m so tired of fighting.’_

 

* * *

 

As sunlight broke through the trees, Daryl brushed the hair out of Y/N’s eyes, reassured in his decision as she stirred and blinked blearily up at him, a small smile creeping across her features as she took in the affection in his eyes.

'Morning, gorgeous,’ she husked, sitting up to stretch her muscles and yawning widely.  She looked exhausted still, and his chest hurt at the thought that he was putting her through this.

'Mornin’,’ he replied, happily receiving the kiss that she leaned over and pressed to his lips, before making his announcement. 'So, I thought we could head back home today.’

'Home?’

'Alexandria.’

He could practically see her brain whirring as her face creased up, struggling to process his sudden change of heart.

'Why?’

'Cos I can’t ask ya to be out here no more, Y/N. It ain’t fair to ya.’

'I’m fine, D.’

'No, y'ain’t,’ he argued, reaching out to stroke his fingers over her cheek. ’D'ya know that’s five nights in a row that I’ve found ya in that state? Yer terrified bein’ out here, aren’t ya?’

She sighed. 'Not terrified. I just…’

'Ya don’t feel safe.’

'I feel vulnerable,’ she confessed. 'It’s not you.  It’s just… there’s just the two of us, and we don’t have any food and barely any water, and when it gets dark I can feel their eyes on me.’

'Whose eyes?’

'The corpses, the Congregation… Just things, people that want to hurt us.  I hate it.’

'Well, that’s why then,’ Daryl nodded slowly, reaching out to link his fingers with hers.   'I don’t want ya feelin’ like that.’

'If we go back, will you stay?'  He could hear the plea in her voice and see the desperation in her eyes. 'Will you stay with me?’

'Of course.  I ain’t leavin’ yer side, girl, I promise.  I ain’t goin’ nowhere.’


	25. Chapter 25

Alexandria felt quiet.  You’d arrived back late that afternoon after a few days of hard hiking to a subdued greeting.  There were too many faces missing for you to feel comfortable: Maggie was leading the Hilltop, Carol had made her move to the Kingdom permanent, and Carl…  You wondered if you would ever stop expecting to see him around every corner, his cowboy hat tilted on his long wavy hair, his crooked grin so like his father’s and his eyes completely Lori.  His loss hit you even harder now that you were here to see his absence, and you felt sick with grief.  

Rick had assigned you a house, right at the back of the settlement, just for you and Daryl, appreciating that you would need your space after everything you’d been through, and knowing the archer’s fears of losing control and hurting someone.  You’d joined him and Michonne for dinner, but you hadn’t known what to say to either of them.  They were trying to make the best of things, to keep going and enjoy the peace that currently reigned, but you could see the pain in their faces.

‘I’m so sorry, guys,’ you’d offered when silence fell around the table.  ‘I know that sounds so… incredibly lame, but I don’t know what else to say.  I loved Carl.  He was one of my best friends here, and now that he’s gone I just…  I’m sorry.’

Michonne had nodded solemnly, reaching over to squeeze your hand.  Rick’s expression had glazed over and he’d drifted off somewhere else in his head for a while, obviously a coping mechanism though you weren’t sure it was an overly healthy one.  You wondered if he’d ever let himself grieve properly for his son.

Judith was murmuring away at the head of the table and you grinned at her, leaning forward to stroke a finger down her chubby cheek, before tangling it into her curls.  ‘Guess you’re our future now, aren’t you, princess?’ 

‘Lil’ asskicker’s gonna give this world hell in a few years, y’all just wait,’ Daryl added, winking at the child and eliciting a giggle from her rosebud lips.  ‘She’s a Grimes through ‘n’ through.  She gon’ be runnin’ things in no time.’

You smiled at the image now as you sat on the top step leading up to your porch.  It was late and darkness had fallen, the sky pinpricked with stars, as you tilted your head back to peer up at them, marvelling at the beauty of the view.  The rest of the neighbourhood seemed to be sleeping, and you wished you were too, but you’d found your roles reversed.  For the first time, Daryl had drifted off straight away, soft snores rumbling through his chest as soon as his head hit the pillow, but you were wide awake.  You’d laid there for an hour or two before slipping outside and slumping down on the worn wooden boards.  You were so happy to be home, relieved to be back amongst familiar faces, and with the security of the fences, and yet you couldn’t settle.  Something just felt wrong.

 

* * *

 

_‘Are you seriously that stupid?’  At the confrontational edge to Rosita’s tone, you felt yourself bristling, and reached out to snag Daryl’s wrist, holding him back to try and keep him out of the argument that you could tell was coming.  You’d come out on this supply run with Denise at her request, and you’d watched Rosita and the archer sideline the doctor all day.  You’d found yourself impressed with her.  It was obvious that she hadn’t been outside of the fences all that much since the dead started walking, and yet she was smart, resourceful and determined, and you’d felt yourself growing angry on her behalf, though you knew that at this stage she was taking risks to prove a point.  You wished that you’d spoken up earlier, even if it was just a quiet word in Daryl’s ear, but it was too late now.  You weren’t sure he would have listened anyway.  He didn’t seem all that keen on you being there at all._

_‘Are you?’ came Denise’s sharp retort.  ‘I mean it, are you?  Do you have any clue what that was to me, what this whole thing is to me?  See, I have training in this shit.  I’m not making it up as I go along, like with the stitches and the surgery and the…’  
_

_She tailed off for a minute, trying to control her emotions, and you longed to go to her and wrap an arm around her shoulders, but with a deep breath she was off again, gesturing to each of you in turn._

_To Daryl, ‘I asked you to come with me because you’re brave like my brother and sometimes you actually make me feel safe.’_

_To you, ‘I needed you to come along because you see everything and you’re good at reading people, and I know you know that I’m capable of doing this and that makes me feel confident.’_

_And to Rosita, ‘I wanted you here because you’re alone, probably for the first time in your life.  And because you’re stronger than you think you are, which gives me hope that maybe I can be too.’_

_Another deep breath as she steadied herself, waiting for any of you to react, but you remained silent.  ‘I could’ve gone with Tara.  I could’ve told her I loved her, but I didn’t because I was afraid.  That’s what’s stupid!  Not coming out here, not facing my shit.  And it makes me sick that you guys aren’t even trying, because you’re strong and you’re smart and you’re really good people, and if you don’t wake-’_

_It took a second for you to register what had happened.  Just a heartbeat to realise that an arrow was protruding from her eye as she hovered for a moment, her mouth hanging open, but she was still talking, forcing her words out though they erupted from her mouth in an exaggerated, stilted mess._

_‘Up…and face your…’  
_

_Daryl’s arms were reaching for her as she dropped, catching her before she hit the ground and lowering her the rest of the way.  Rosita’s look of horror, you were sure, mirrored your own, but she leapt into action nonetheless, spinning towards the treeline and bringing her rifle up to her eye, searching the gloom for Denise’s killer.  Spurred on by her aggressive stance, you reached for your own handgun, raising it in front of you, as armed men appeared from the forest.  You could hear the rasps of Daryl’s breath as he came to stand at your side, his gun cocked and ready, but you were outnumbered and that iron band across your chest was tightening.  How the hell were you going to get out of this?_

_You knew even before the shout came who these men were.  Saviors.  You could tell by their easy confidence, the arrogant smirks that painted their faces, and the next voice that spoke only confirmed your suspicions._

_‘You drop ‘em now!’ Dwight yelled, and a flash of red-hot hatred blinded you momentarily._

_Daryl’s hand on your wrist forced your weapon downwards, and you were too shocked to fight against him._

_When the straggly-haired bastard finally appeared from out of the trees, you couldn’t help the gasp that escaped you.  He’d changed since the last time you’d seen him, his eyes more maniacal, and his face was badly burned down one side, the flesh red and puckered.  He had Eugene in his grip, caught up by his shirt collar, a look of panic dominating his features as he trembled._

_‘You got something to say to me?’ the pitiful backstabber snarled, and you felt Daryl’s body tense beside you, his fists clenching as he held himself back.  ‘You gonna clear the air?  Step up on that high horse?  No.  You don’t talk much.’  
_

_Rosita was looking back and forth between you, confused at the familiarity on display, her eyes drifting to the crossbow that Dwight held - Daryl’s crossbow.  At the man’s nod, two of the others broke away from the group and approached, patting you down and disarming you, leaving you feeling vulnerable and disgusted by their roaming hands._

_Dwight adjusted his grip on the bow, glancing down at it as he let it fall against his leg.  ‘Still getting the hang of her.  Kicks like a bitch, but-’_

_‘I shoulda done it,’ you heard Daryl growl, and turned to look at the rage that contorted his face._

_‘Oh, what’s that?’  Dwight shook his head.  ‘Seriously, I didn’t catch what you said.’_

_‘I shoulda killed you.’  
_

_‘Yeah, you probably should’ve.’_

_You reached out to rest your hand on Daryl’s, trying to calm him, not wanting the situation to get any worse by him flying off the handle.  You could see the muscles in his arms straining as though he were about to throw himself at the bastard in front of him, but if he did they’d shoot him in a second.  
_

_‘So, here we are.’  You didn’t remember Dwight being this chatty the last time you’d seen him.  ‘Kinda begs the question, right?  Who brought this on who?  I mean, I get that you’ll have to take my word for this, but she wasn’t even the one I was aiming for.  Like I said, kicks like a bitch.  It’s nothing personal.  Look, this isn’t how we like to start new business arrangements-’_

_‘Oh, would you shut the hell up,’ you sighed, rolling your eyes as you grew tired of Dwight’s apparent affection for his own voice.  You were feigning confidence, trying to draw his attention away from Daryl and on to you, giving the archer time to regain his composure, and sass was pretty much all you had left in your arsenal.  ‘Seriously, Dwight, I liked you better when you were too terrified to speak, I think.’  
_

_You watched as his eyes narrowed, and his mouth twisted into a menacing smirk, his head tilting to one side as he surveyed you.  It was working._

_‘So, who are your friends?  They the same guys that were hunting you down in the woods like animals?  Are you all on the same side now, is that what’s happening here?  Damn, that was a waste of effort on our part, huh?’  
_

_‘You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about, little girl.’  He was getting riled up, but he couldn’t move towards you with the tight hold he still had on Eugene who was kneeling at his feet.  His men had their weapons pointed at the three of you still standing, but you had a feeling that they weren’t about to shoot without his say so.  
_

_‘Don’t I?  Speaking of little girls, where’s Sherry?’  You watched as the vein in his neck pulsed, his jaw tightening in response to the name of his old companion.  ‘Did these new friends of yours kill her, Dwight?  Or did she just realise what a weaselly, pathetic son of a bitch you really are?’  
_

_‘Shut the hell up!’  He released his grip on his hostage and brought the bow up, ready to send an arrow flying, his finger hovering over the trigger as Eugene collapsed into the dirt.  ‘I mean it, you shut your mouth!’  
_

_Daryl shoved his way in front of you, pushing you back out of the line of fire as Rosita stepped forward, her icy exterior exuding a sense of calm that you knew belied the thoughts that would be whizzing through her brain.  ‘W_ _hat do you want?’_

_‘I’m sorry, darlin’,’ Dwight drawled, his weapon lowering though he kept a tight grip on it, his finger still poised to shoot.  ‘I didn’t catch your name.  I_ _’m D, or Dwight, as your friend here already pointed out.  You can call me either.  So, what’s your name?’_

_‘Rosita,’ she spat.  ‘What do you want?’  
_

_‘Well, Rosita, it’s not what I want.  It’s what the three of you are going to do.  You’re going to let us into your little complex.  It looks like it’s just beautiful in there.  And then you’re going to let us take whatever and whoever we want, or we blow Eugene’s brains out, and then yours, and then his.’  His gaze drifted back to you.  ‘But not you, sweetheart.  I think I’ll keep you.’_

_Daryl’s fists clenched again, and you pressed your hand against his chest, feeling his heart racing beneath the thin fabric of his shirt._

_‘I hope it doesn’t come to that, really.  Nobody else has to die.  We just try and start with one.  You know, maximum impact to get our point across.  So, what’s it gonna be?  You tell me.’  
_

_Eugene spoke for the first time since he’d been dragged from the treeline, the sweat that had been beading on his brow trickling down his face as he motioned with his head towards a pile of barrels at the side of the railroad track where you were gathered.  ‘You wanna kill someone, you start with our companion hiding over there behind the oil barrels.  He’s a first class a-hole and he deserves it so much more than the four of us.’_

_You glanced over in the direction he’d indicated, but could see nobody there, and your mind fought to figure out what he was trying to achieve.  Eugene was smart.  Was he trying to give you an opening, a chance to make a move?_

_Letting the bow drop to the ground, Dwight drew his sidearm and nodded to one of his men.  ‘Go check it out.’_

_You all watched, holding your collective breaths as the man made his way cautiously over, his rifle ready, but before he’d even reached the barrels, Dwight’s scream drew your attention back in time to see Eugene with his teeth locked around his captor’s crotch.  And then the firing started from behind the trees, and a flash of ginger caught your eye as bullets flew.  Abraham._

_Daryl had already moved forward, taking out the Savior nearest to him and grabbing his gun, and you threw yourself into the fray, driving your elbow into the gut of one of the smaller men and knocking the wind out of him, aiming a sharp kick to the side of his head when he hit the ground and retrieving your gun and knife from his waistband.  As you ducked behind a burned out car and found yourself at Daryl’s side once more, you heard the strangled groans of corpses and peered around the hood to see them stumbling out of the wood, attracted by the noise._

_‘Daryl…’  
_

_‘I can see ‘em.’_

_He continued to fire persistently, and you joined him, watching in twisted pleasure as Dwight threw Eugene off of him and fell to the ground, writhing in pain.  Your bullets were pinning him down as the walkers approached and he dragged himself desperately backwards.  ‘Fall back!  Fall back!’_

_As the men disappeared back into the forest, Daryl slid across the hood of the car, ready to take off in pursuit, scooping to retrieve his crossbow as he ran._

_‘Daryl, stop!’ Rosita shouted, but he ignored her, driven by his desire for revenge, his vendetta against Dwight personal and bloody.  
_

_‘D, please!’  The sound of your voice halted him in his tracks, and you watched his shoulders rise and fall as he took deep breaths, trying to regain control.  ‘Daryl, come on.’  
_

_He turned back towards you, jogging over to where you stood over Denise, his face falling as he stared down at her body, the bloodied arrow garish and gruesome against her pale skin.  Rosita was at Eugene’s side on her knees, pressing her hands against his gut, blood pooling around her fingers.  You hadn’t even noticed that he’d gotten hurt.  It had all happened so quickly in the end, your anxiety not having time to steal over you and immobilise you.  You felt a hand on your shoulder and turned to see Abraham looking down at you, his expression somber, and you pushed yourself up on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck and whisper, ‘Thank you.’_

_He nodded, and then moved to help Eugene, dropping to the ground beside Rosita, his face questioning.  What could he do?_

_‘We’ve got to get him back,’ she instructed.  ‘I can’t stop the bleeding here.’  
_

_Together you hefted him up, balancing his weight between you.  You spared one last look for Denise before turning for home.  You couldn’t take her with you._

 

* * *

You heard the door to the house swing open behind you and turned to see Daryl making his way across the porch, dropping down beside you and wrapping a blanket around your shoulders.  

‘Yer gon’ freeze out here like that, girl.’

‘Yeah,’ you agreed, snuggling in the warmth of the soft fabric and feeling a pang of nostalgia for the old poncho he used to wear back at the prison.  ‘I wasn’t expecting to be out here this long.’

‘Why are ya out ‘ere?’

You shrugged.  ‘Couldn’t sleep, I guess.  I’m surprised you could.’

‘Yeah, well, can’t hurt no one in there, can I?  S’just you ‘n’ me.’  You nodded in understanding, leaning against him as he snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you closer.  ‘How come ya can’t sleep?’

‘I don’t know,’ you lied.  ‘Just… kinda wired, I guess.’

The look he gave you told you he didn’t believe you and you sighed, trying to figure out how to explain.  ‘I just… I feel trapped in there, claustrophobic.  Too long out on the road maybe, but I just need to know I can get away, just in case.’

‘Ya still think they’re lookin’ for ya?’ he asked, his brow furrowing at the idea of the Congregation still trying to track you down.  

‘Oh, I’m sure of it.  How rare do you think it is these days to find someone with no blood on their hands?  I’m a catch, Dixon.  You’d do well to remember that.’  You nudged him, smirking, but his features were still painted with a frown.

‘Ya shoulda done it, back at the satellite station.  Ya shoulda taken one of ‘em, just one.’

‘I couldn’t,’ you insisted, shaking your head as you thought back to that horrific night.  You’d stayed at Daryl’s side, but you couldn’t bring yourself to drive your knife through the skulls of the sleeping men that you’d come across.  You’d squeezed your eyes tight shut and waited for it all to be over.  It hadn’t sat well with you, and it still didn’t, even now you knew what the Saviors were, who they were and what they’d done.  ‘You know I couldn’t.’

‘I know,’ he huffed, his breath coming out as a faint cloud in the chilled night air.  ‘Jus’ wantcha t’ be safe, tha’s all.’

‘I know.’

You felt his lips brush against the top of your head, and you tilted your face up to him, giving him access to lock his mouth on to yours, moving slowly and lazily against you, as you let out a soft hum of contentment.

‘Go on, go back inside,’ you urged him when he broke away from you.  ‘At least one of us should get some sleep tonight.’

‘Nah, I’ve had my share.  Get yer head down.  I’m right here.  I ain’t gon’ let nobody hurt ya, I promise.’

As you shuffled along the step so you could curl up and rest your head in his lap, your saw his eyes roaming over the darkened street and realised that you weren’t the only one feeling on edge being back.

‘I can still see them, you know,’ you admitted as you settled down, burying your face into the soft pooch of shirt over his stomach.  

‘Who?’

‘The Saviors.  Marching down these streets, raiding our homes, taking our things.  I can still feel them here.’

‘Don’t help knowin’ their Lord ‘n’ master’s not 100 feet away, does it?’

‘I’d forgotten that.’  You squeezed your eyes shut to try and push the thought from your mind.  ‘I hate that.’

‘Do ya?’

‘Of course I do.  I hate him.  I hate all of them.  For what they did to Denise and Glenn and Abraham.  For what they did to us.  Rick should’ve killed him.’

Daryl just grunted in response, and you tried to force yourself to relax and get some rest, eventually drifting off as he stroked your hair, the scent of smoke and engine oil enveloping you and bringing you some much needed comfort.


	26. Chapter 26

When you woke the following morning, you were surprised to find Daryl still there, his eyes hooded with tiredness though he hadn’t shifted from his position, keeping watch over you through the early hours.  Neither of you spoke as you turned onto your back so you could gaze up into his face, his fingers moving to brush your hair back, teasing out the knots that had formed as you fidgeted against his lap.  Around you, Alexandria was waking up, your neighbours emerging from their houses, blinking blearily into the bright sunlight, and setting off to complete their tasks for the day.  Much like before, everybody had a role here, though a lot more of it now was focused on rebuilding, expanding.  There were still signs of the war, though so much had already been fixed up: a singed, blackened house that nobody had got round to ripping out yet; bare patches where the grass had been burned and needed reseeding; the glass windows of the church splintered, though you weren’t sure anybody there had the skills to restore those.  It was a work in progress.

When Daryl eventually spoke, it sent a shard of panic through your heart.  ‘I'mma head out today.’

'What?'  For a moment you genuinely thought he’d realised that he couldn’t do this, that he was leaving you and heading back into the forest, back to a life of solitude.  'Already?’

He shrugged.  'Figure I’ll try 'n’ bag some fresh meat or somethin’ to bring back, make nice with the neighbours.  S'a been a long time since we were last here.’

'Right,’ you nodded, relieved.  'Want some company?’

'Nah,’ he replied, his brow creasing in a frown.  'I’m better on my own.’

‘Of course.’

You pushed yourself upright, trying not to be hurt by his desire to be alone, though you couldn’t help the fingers of doubt that were worming their way into your brain and taking hold.  Daryl had always been kind of a loner.  Even when you’d gotten close, he’d still preferred to hunt independently.  Having someone with him that wasn’t as skilled as he was slowed him down or scared away his prey before he got close enough to take a shot.  This wasn’t new.  Yet, with the tension that seemed to hum between you constantly at the moment, you couldn’t help but take it personally.  Since you’d run into him in the woods, realised that he was alive and real and standing right in front you, you hadn’t wanted to leave his side.  Once upon a time, you were sure the archer would have felt the same way, but something had changed, and it wasn’t just his raging temper.

Seeming to take your change of position as his cue to leave, he pushed himself to his feet, grunting when his joints cracked, and stretched out his back, his hair falling forward over his face in uncontrollable waves.  With the sun behind him, highlighting the hardened muscles in his arms and throwing the shadow of his broad shoulders over the porch, you found yourself thirsting for him, but you knew any move you made now would be knocked back.  He was eager to get out and do what he needed to do.

‘You gonna be back tonight?’ you asked as he started towards the door, and he tossed a casual, ‘Prob’ly’ over his shoulder as he stepped inside, letting it close behind him with a gentle click, and leaving you alone.

 

* * *

 

Freshly showered and in the first pair of clean clothes that you’d worn in forever, you decided to put the negative start to your morning behind you.  You were home, amongst friends, and, when you’d been locked up in your cell at the bottom of the Sanctuary, you’d dreamed of the safety and security of Alexandria’s fences.  So what if the Congregation were looking for you right now?  They wouldn’t be able to touch you in the Safe Zone.  It took a hell of a lot to bring these walls down, and they weren’t packing anywhere near that kind of artillery.  You’d find a way to come to terms with your brush with crucifixion and settle, just as you had before.  It had taken a while when you’d first joined the community to find a routine that suited you, but you had, and you would again. What you really needed was something to keep your mind occupied, and with that thought you set out to find Rick, hoping he’d be able to set you a task to get you through the day.

‘Hey,’ you called out as a familiar face passed by without even sparing you a glance.  ‘Jesus!’

‘Y/N!’  A grin spread across his face as he finally met your gaze, and then he was retracing his steps to wrap you up in a warm hug of greeting.  It was closer than you’d ever been to him, and more friendly that your relationship warranted, but this man had gone to Daryl’s aid when he’d been locked up, and you owed him so much for that.  He felt like family now.  ‘I heard you were back.’

‘Yep,’ you forced a smile, suddenly awkward as you dropped your gaze to your feet.  ‘Home sweet home.’

‘I guess a lot has changed since…’

‘Yeah, it has.  People have moved on, or died, or…’

‘That must be hard.’  His eyes were kind as they locked on yours, and he reached out to rest a hand on your shoulder.  ‘How are you doing with it all?’

‘I’m okay,’ you lied, before thinking better of it.  ‘I’m struggling, to be honest.  Being at the Sanctuary was awful, and being out there on my own thinking Daryl was dead was even worse, but now I’m home and I’m expected to just go back to normal, except I’m not really sure I can do normal anymore, y’know?’

‘No one’s expecting you to just pick back up where you left off though,’ he reassured you.  ‘They understand that you’ve been through something, that you’ve had to make some tough decisions.’

‘Really?  Cos I kinda feel like everyone’s keeping me at arm’s length,’ you confessed.  ‘Even Daryl.  Especially Daryl.  It’s like I’ve done something wrong but nobody will tell me what it is.’

He didn’t respond and you let out a loud sigh, running your fingers through your hair.  ‘I know that sounds stupid.  It’s probably all in my head.’

‘Not necessarily,’ he admitted finally, and you frowned at him, confused.  ‘You have to remember that not everybody’s been through what you’ve been through.  It’s hard to put yourself in someone’s shoes when you can’t even imagine the road they were walking.  Just give it some time, okay?  They’ll come around.’

You didn’t really understand what it was that he was trying to tell you, but you were growing tired with the conversation and the implication that you were in some way at fault, so you changed the subject.  ‘Have you seen Rick?  I’m hoping that he’ll give me a job assignment, something to keep me busy, quiet the voices, y’know?’  

‘He’s out on a run with Michonne,’ Jesus explained, looking genuinely disheartened on your behalf.  ‘I came to see him myself, but they must have left at first light.’

‘Well, that’s… that’s fine,’ you pasted the smile back on your face, refusing to letting your spirits sink.  ‘I’ll just find something to occupy myself.’

‘You sure you’ll be alright?’

‘I’m a big girl, Jesus.  Thank you though, for listening.’

 

* * *

 

By late afternoon your mood had dropped again and you were tired and fed up with having nothing to do with yourself.  It seemed that each task had a rota and if your name wasn’t on it, you weren’t wanted there, despite the total impracticality of turning away a willing worker.  As you moved past one of the houses on the main street, the one where Morgan had lived before, the guard on the door caught your eye and you ambled over.

‘Hey Tara,’ you greeted the young woman who was perched on the step, her rifle resting on her knee.  ‘How’s it going?’

‘So, it’s true then,’ she mumbled, barely looking at you before she turned her stare back to those passing by.  ‘You’re alive.’

‘Yep, and kicking,’ you nodded, digging your toe into a divot in the path.  ‘How have you been?’

‘Oh, just fine and dandy.’

‘Tara, have I done something-’

‘No, of course not,’ she bit out, her head snapping back so she could glare up at you where you stood over her.  ‘Nothing at all.  We’re all just so happy to have you back.’

‘Right.’

‘What is it that you want, Y/N?  You want me to turn a blind eye while you slip inside?  Seriously, go ahead.  I’m not gonna stand in your way.’

You almost laughed at her assumption, but something stopped you and you realised that perhaps you needed this.  You couldn’t get the Congregation out of your head, Helena’s fake smile and cutting tone and Stevie’s harsh grip, and you would never have the opportunity to beat them down, to rise above them and show them that you were surviving.  But perhaps being able to do it to the man who had held you captive and worked you until you collapsed would be a start to finding your old self again.  So, instead of arguing, you simply nodded, and pushed past her, inching the door open and stepping quickly through.

You made your way through the house, creeping down the stairs that led to the basement and coming up short when you found another guard at the bottom, this face unfamiliar but just as cold.  

‘Oh,’ you stammered, unsure of the protocol surrounding visits to the prisoner.  ‘I-I, err… T-Tara said I could-’

The man moved aside without question and you turned sideways to edge past him, trying not to let his judgemental stare bother you.  Faced with the final door that you knew would lead into the room where Morgan had constructed his cell, you hesitated, unsure for a moment if you were strong enough to do this, but your frustration and lack of any other options drove you forward and you slammed it open with more force than you’d intended.

Through the gloom, you watched as the prisoner jumped to his feet, unfolding his tall, lithe body, his hands coming up to his chest in a defensive stance.  His beard was longer than you’d seen it before, the grey dominating it now, making him look older and haggard.  His hair was creeping down past his ears, and messy with no product to slick it back.  Everything about his appearance screamed that he was a broken man, except the cocky smirk that crossed his features when he realised who it was that was standing before him.

‘Well, fuck me sideways.  I never thought I’d see you again.’

You took a deep breath, squeezing your eyes shut as you focused on drawing oxygen into your lungs, pushing your anxiety back down and trying to regain control over your body which had started to tremble at the sound of his voice.  You wouldn’t let him win, not again.  Steeling yourself, you trained your gaze on him, watching as he shifted under the intense hatred in your glare, and tried to steady your voice as you finally spoke.

‘Hello Negan.’


	27. Chapter 27

‘Hello Negan.’

The prisoner before you let out a raspy chuckle as he watched you move closer through the bars of his cell, his tongue snaking out over his bottom lip as he waited to see what you’d say next.  But you couldn’t speak.  Hatred and anger were bubbling up within you and combining to render you completely mute, though your eyes sparked with rage.  If it wasn’t for the cool metal poles that kept him from your reach you were sure you’d be launching yourself at him, pounding every inch of him with your fists until he was battered and bleeding, and only then would you do him the service of putting a bullet through his skull.  But he was protected by the very thing intended to punish him, so instead you began to pace, back and forth, letting your frustration out through your frantic movements.

‘Say, doll, not that I’m not enjoying the entertainment of watching you pull your pretty hair out, but what exactly are you doing here?’

‘I needed to see you,’ you admitted, though you couldn’t bring yourself to face him, couldn’t stand still until you’d regained your composure, which seemed beyond the realms of possibility in that moment.

‘And why’s that? Having some regrets about turning me down back at the Sanctuary, huh, princess?  Trust me, it happens.’

‘Because I hate you,’ you spat, and suddenly all of the energy drained from your body and you found yourself collapsing to the ground, bringing your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around them as though they could shield you from the monster that was watching you with rapt fascination.  ‘I hate everything about you, and I hate what you did to me.’

‘What I did to you?’ His handsome features contorted in a cruel sneer.  ‘I gave you a choice.  You can’t blame me because you made the wrong one.’

‘The wrong one?’  You shook your head in disbelief.  ‘There was no choice!  Did you really think there was the slightest chance that I would actually sleep with you?  You’re disgusting!’

‘I never asked you to fucking sleep with me, doll.  I offered you a life of luxury for the simple act of saying yes to my proposal.  Anything else, well, that was all in your head. Hey, I don’t blame you!  Too long with Daryl, any girl would be looking for a real man to help her scratch her itches, shall we say.’

‘No, no, that’s not true.’ You forced your memory back to the day he’d come to you in your cell, the options he’d laid out.  ‘Wifely duties, you said.  What does that mean if not-‘

‘It means fetching me my damn dinner and bringing my laundry up from the wash room.’  The sneer hadn’t left his face and you longed to slap it away.  ‘Shit, sweetheart, I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy.’

‘You lying son of a bitch!’

Negan held his hands up in mock surrender, arching his eyebrow at you as he tutted loudly.  ‘Now, now.  I’m not gonna be held responsible just cos your mind’s in the gutter, princess.’

You were gaining nothing by continuing down this road, and so you levered yourself to your feet, and took a step towards him, noting the anticipation in his face as you drew closer.

‘I didn’t come here to talk about choices, or being your wife, or any of the shit that went down at the Sanctuary.’

‘So, why did you come here?  Was it really just to tell me that you hate me?  Cos, shit, I honest to goodness coulda guessed that myself without the memo. Every person in this place fucking hates me, and I get it, I do.  Nobody likes the boss-man, right?  But all I ever did was try to help you people.’

‘You really still believe that, Negan?  That you’re the wronged party here?’

He nodded slowly, watching to see what you would do as you began to pace again, your steps more controlled this time, deep in thought as you moved.  

‘And what about Abraham, huh?  You ground his head into the dirt and you smiled as you did it.  You laughed!’

‘You had that coming! You killed a shitload of my people!’

‘Maybe, but I can tell you now, not one of us enjoyed it!  Not one of us got off on it!  And then Glenn-‘

‘I had to do that! That was your boyfriend’s fault!’

‘Oh, really?  So, because Daryl decided that maybe we didn’t need to be saved by you and your group of thugs, you just had to set another stupid example, right?  You mocked him, Negan!  You mocked him as he was dying and in pain!  You’re sick!’

This time Negan didn’t respond, moving back into the gloom until he was pressed against the wall, sliding down it until he hit the hard ground, and watching you with trepidation in his eyes, but you weren’t done.

‘You taunted Rick until he was ready to chop off his own son’s arm!  Did you ever have kids, Negan?  No, I hope to hell that you didn’t, because if you did, you would never have forced a father to even contemplate doing that.  And then…’  You paused for breath, your voice growing louder, stronger, with every sin that the man in front of you had committed.  ‘Then you took Daryl!  What did you do to him, huh?  The same thing you did to me?  Locked him up, cold and naked and alone?  Starved him?  Forced him to work until he had nothing left?  Is that what you did?  Blasting that stupid song every five minutes because you didn’t want him falling asleep and not feeling every single second of pain that you were trying to inflict?  You were never going to break him, don’t you see that?  He’s so much stronger than you will ever be!  He was never going to join you!  He doesn’t have it in him to be that evil!’

You watched as the smirk crept back over Negan’s face, and he let out a hoarse bark of laughter.  ‘You reckon, doll?  Cos from what I heard, your Daryl was cutting my men down without a second thought out there.  Rumour has it that he was shooting men while they were on their knees offering their surrender, so how exactly does that make him any better than me?’

‘Because you drove him to it,’ you snarled.  ‘You took me away in his place because you knew it would get a reaction and, well, congratulations!  It did! Daryl did what he had to do, because it was war, and because he was trying to save me.  None of it would have happened if it wasn’t for you.  Every life he took is your fault!  Their blood is on your hands!’

You were panting heavily now, running your fingers through your hair as you kept up your relentless pacing across the span of the room, reaching one wall, then turning back to march towards the other.  The rhythm was the only thing keeping you from falling apart, and it kept the iron band at bay, so you kept going.  Just walk, don’t think.

‘All those people who died, not just your Saviors, but from Alexandria, and the Kingdom, and the Hilltop… They all died because of you.  Every life that was taken was lost in your name.  How’s that for a legacy?  Does that thought keep you warm at night while you’re lying in your cell?  You’re a goddamn murderer!’  You took a deep breath, struggling to quieten your voice, afraid that your angry shouts would bring one of the guards running.  ‘Rick should’ve killed you when he had the chance.  You don’t deserve his mercy.  The only thing you’ve earned is a slow and painful death, Negan, and one of these days you can bet your ass I’m gonna give it to you.’

You were done.  You’d said what you needed to say, and you felt like a weight had lifted even as you turned to make for the door, but his harsh whisper halted you in your tracks.

‘I feel them.’  You turned back to him to see that his head was in his hands, his fingers grasping his hair, the sinewy muscles in his arms taut as he pulled on the dark locks.  ‘I feel every single one of them, so don’t you fucking act like I don’t know what I’ve done.  Shit, I can see every single damn face every single damn second of every single damn day. I know the war was because of me, but hell, all I ever did was try to keep people safe.  Maybe that was fucking wrong of me, but it worked.  Right up until Rick the Prick decided to show up in town and turn the whole system on its fucking head, it worked.’

‘You were killing people, Negan.’

‘People are a resource. I was only killing enough of them to make the point I needed to make.   It was never for nothing, not like…  Not like the war.’

‘You’re right,’ you nodded. ‘People are a resource, but they’re also humans.  Living, breathing humanity and there are hardly any of us left.  Did you not think for one moment that, when the odds are totally against us, maybe we should be working together to build a better life.  Not fighting for power and having pissing contests to see whose dick is bigger than whose.  You let your ego get in the way and now you’re paying the price.’

‘I never meant for this to happen.’

‘And yet it happened anyway.  I don’t know how you sleep at night.’

When he dropped his hands and lifted his head to look at you, you could almost have sworn that his eyes were glistening with tears, but then he dropped his gaze to the floor and you pushed the thought from your mind.

‘The kid knew,’ he mumbled, and you strained to hear him, his voice was so low.  ‘The kid knew the whole fucking time.  Did you read his letters?’

‘What letters?  What are you talking about?’

‘He knew he was dying. Got bit out there trying to save someone, but I guess you already know that.  So, he wrote letters.  He begged us for peace.  Told us there was a better way.’

‘I-I didn’t-‘

‘He was the damn future.  He was so young but he was smarter than all of us.  I swear to God, Carl-‘

‘Stop it!  Shut up!’  Your temper flared again, despite the sincere look on his face.  ‘Don’t you dare speak his name!’

‘I liked him.  He was a badass and he’d have been running the show in no time.  S’a fucking tragedy is what it is.’

‘His blood is on your hands too.’  You saw the flash of pain that crossed his features at your words and latched on to it, enjoying his display of weakness.  ‘You think he’d have gone out there alone and got bit if you didn’t have Rick out there every day trying to find a way to end you?  You think he’d have been trying so hard to save someone if you hadn’t shown him what would happen if he didn’t?  You’re right, he was the future, and he was my friend, and he’s gone now.  It’s your fault, Negan.  Don’t ever forget that.  It’s all your fault.’

You spun on your heel and left quickly, not wanting to give him a chance to recover and deliver some kind of snappy retort.  You wanted him to feel every word you’d thrown at him, to sit in silence and process it all, replaying the conversation over and over.  You wanted him to have to contemplate every mistake he’d ever made, every life he’d ever taken, every murder that had been committed in his name, and then, and only then, would you find a way to kill him.  You couldn’t live in a world where a man like that would be treated with mercy.  You couldn’t stay in a place where he was protected and kept warm and fed and hydrated.  He was worse than the walkers, bad to the core, and you would end him.  It was just a matter of time.


	28. Chapter 28

You sank down onto the top step of the porch, breathing heavily as you tried to calm your racing heart, your fingertips exerting so much pressure on the wooden boards beneath you that your knuckles ached.  You were on the receiving end of curious glances as your neighbors passed by, returning home as the working day ended, and you knew your shouts must have been overheard by the community, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.  A weight felt like it had been lifted from your shoulders, a sense of closure washing over you, and you realised that you were feeling more confident, more powerful than you had in a long time. Since the Saviors had stampeded into your life, all you’d done was duck and cover, hiding, cowering, lashing out in the only ways you could to ensure your survival: first as their enemy, then as their prisoner, and then alone on the road and later when you found yourself the target on the Congregation.  Standing up to your captor, the man who had brought you and your family so much misery, had given you a new lease of life that you badly needed, a chance to face your demons and give yourself a fresh start.  It was time to draw a line under all of the suffering, you decided.  It was time to pick yourself up now, dust yourself and start living again.  If you could do it, then maybe Daryl would be able to find a way forward too.  

You needed him to settle down, to go back to being the man you loved and could depend on.  You still loved him, fiercely, but you almost didn’t recognise him anymore, and it had started way before the Saviors.  It was as though he’d been built for the apocalypse, and finding Alexandria, a place where normality still largely reigned, had left him off-kilter, unsure of himself, and he’d rallied against it in any way that he could.  And then, when the real world did start to sneak inside the fences, he was like a creature gone wild, losing himself completely in his desire to bring down the threats, fighting and killing until there was nothing left.  But every time he looked at you with that old gentleness in his eyes, you sensed that he was still in there somewhere, knew he still cared for you as he always had, and you were determined to latch on to that and bring him back.

Heavy footsteps approached, and you looked up to see the archer standing before you, returned from his hunting trip successful going by the blood that coated his hands.  His body was tense, his eyes flashing with anger as he glared down at you.  You felt the confidence you’d so recently gained started to ebb away as he stood over you.

‘What the hell do ya think yer doin’?’ he growled, his voice low and menacing.  He’d never spoken to you that way before, and you physically recoiled, edging back and away from him, though he began to climb the steps, drawing nearer.  ‘Ya tryin’ t’ make me look like a fool for bringin’ ya back here?’

‘Daryl, I-‘

‘Nah, I don’ wanna hear it, Y/N.  D’ya know I had t’ talk Rick into lettin’ ya stay?  Ya really think e’ryone wanted to jus’ welcome ya back with open arms after e’rythin’?  Course they didn’!  I vouched for ya, I told ‘em it was different now, ‘n’ then ya have t’ go ‘n’…’  He tailed off, realising how loud his voice had gotten, aware of the stares he was attracting from behind the closed curtains which twitched up and down the street.  ‘Jus’ tell me why, Y/N.  I jus’ need t’ know.’

Your mind was reeling at the venom in his tone, the pain and rage in his stare, and you found that when you opened your mouth to speak, no words would come.  You couldn’t wrap your head around the cause of this.  Why did nobody want you there?  What had you done that was so wrong?  Even Rick…  All you could do was shake your head in confusion as Daryl continued.

‘Ya know all yer’ve done is make things ten times worse, right?  E’ryone’s gon’ be talkin’ now.  I’m out there all damn day tryin’ t’ bring somethin’ back t’ feed ‘em, try ‘n’ make things right, soften ‘em up, ‘n’ the second my back’s turned, ya go ‘n’ do somethin’ stupid!  Were ya jus’ waitin’ for me t’ leave?  Is that it?  Did ya think I’d bring ya back here ‘n’ go again?  Is that what ya wanted?  Is that the only reason ya wanted t’ come back?’

‘Daryl, I don’t know what you’re talking about!’ you snapped, sick of the way he was talking to you, and confused as to what had brought this on.  You assumed that it had something to do with you visiting Negan, but the rest of it you were clueless about.  ‘What the hell is going on?’

He clenched his fists at his sides, squeezing his eyes tight shut as he panted, his hair falling over his face as he bowed his head.  ‘Get inside.’

‘What?  No!  I-‘

‘I said get in the damn house, girl.  I can’t look at ya right now.’

‘Daryl-‘

‘Go!’

His barked order was the last straw, and you pushed yourself to your feet, happy to get away from him though you weren’t going to let him confine you to the house.  Instead you shoved past him, his elbow catching you in the ribs and causing you to let out a grunt of pain which made him flinch, but you didn’t stop to see if it was a sign of him softening towards you.  Feeling countless eyes burning into your back, you took off down the street, breaking into a run as you increased the distance between you and Daryl, and hurtling towards the gates, furious with him and yourself and everybody else.  What the hell had you done to deserve this treatment?  You’d suffered through so much for this group!  It would have been so easy for you to give in and marry Negan, but you’d refused, knowing that he would somehow use you against your people, and now, he was right, a part of you did regret it.  It looked like it had all been for nothing.

‘Let me out!’ you commanded the woman on duty, who gave you a concerned look, before moving to push back the first set of metal bars.

‘Are you armed?’

‘Do you care?’ you bit back, and she gave a nonchalant shrug before shifting the second layer of metal out of the way and stepping back to let you pass.

As you stormed out of the Safe Zone, you just caught the sound of her muttering, ‘Good riddance’ under her breath, before the gate slammed shut behind you. 

 

* * *

 

Daryl paced back and forth across the porch, his knife clutched tightly between his fingers as he fought to bring his rage under control.  He could hear his pulse pounding in his ears, the veins popping out on his arms, every inch of him tense and ready for a fight.  How could she have been so damn stupid?  Did she not understand how hard it was for everyone to have her there?  God, Rick had been ready to send her away without so much as hearing either of them out when they’d first got back, but Daryl had talked him round as Michonne had taken her off to one side.  He’d fought for their place in the community, and now she was being reckless, ready to throw it all away for the chance to spend ten minutes with her ex-lover.  He knew it meant that he had to be right, that Negan had meant something to her, and the thought caused him physical pain, piercing his chest like one of his arrows, embedding itself in his heart.  It was like he’d lost her all over again.

‘Did you talk to her?’

He didn’t look up at the sound of Tara’s voice, just nodded, continuing in his agitated pacing, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as the coppery taste of blood filled his mouth.

‘What did she have to say for herself?’

Daryl rounded on her, latching on to her as a outlet for the fury that was bubbling up within him. ‘How the hell is that any o’ yer business, exactly?’

‘Hey, I’m the one who told you what she was up to, remember?  If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t even know that she still had the big heart eyes for her husband!’

‘Don’t talk about her like that!’  He towered over the younger woman, forcing her to take a step back, his knife still clenched in his fist as he shadowed her movements, unrelenting as she raised her hands in surrender.  

‘Dude, you’ve got to calm down.’

‘’N’ ya gotta get outta here, ya hear me?  This ain’t got nothin’ t’ do with none of y’all.’

‘Nothing to do with us?  Daryl, just having her here is putting all of us in danger, don’t you get that?’

‘I told ya t’ back off.’

‘Fine,’ she conceded moving away, eyeing the weapon at his side warily as she made to leave.  ‘But when she lets him out of that cell and he kills us all in our sleep, it’ll be on your head.’

 

* * *

 

You let out another loud sigh and fidgeted uncomfortably.  You hadn’t gone far, knowing it was stupid to venture out on your own unarmed, and you could still see the gates from where you sat on the low branch of one of the trees a few metres into the forest, your back pressed against the rough bark, one leg dangling into the air as you tried to keep yourself balanced.  Your face was clammy with spent tears, the moisture turning cold against your skin as the evening drew in and the sun began to sink lower in the sky, leaving behind a cool chill that brought goosebumps up along your bare arms.  

You still couldn’t really believe the way that Daryl had gone off on you.  You knew he’d told you that he was having trouble controlling his anger, but today was the first time you’d really seen any evidence of that, and you’d be lying if you said it hadn’t scared you a little.  He’d never looked at you like that before, never spoken to you with so much disgust in his voice, and you were still smarting from the venom he’d spat at you.  Where the hell had it all gone so wrong?  All of the peace that you’d felt at having put Negan in his place had disappeared, and you were left feeling hollow and hurt.  And what the hell did Rick have against you, let alone the rest of the community?  You’d told Jesus that you felt that they were keeping you at arm’s length, but in truth it seemed to be even more extreme than that.  They didn’t want you there and you didn’t understand why.  The only reason you could think of for their disdain was that you hadn’t been there with them during the war, hadn’t fought side-by-side with them to protect their homes and their way of life.  But you’d been fighting your own battle, locked up in the Sanctuary.  Couldn’t they see that?  Did they have no idea of what that had been like?  Surely Daryl must have told them something of what he’d been through at the Saviors’ hands, but it seemed like he got a free pass, simply because he’d managed to find a way out.  Did they think you were weak because you hadn’t managed to escape?  Did they think that you’d chosen to stay there because you were too scared to step up and join them as they stood up to the enemy?  It hadn’t been like that.  You just hadn’t been able to see a way out.

You heard an engine approaching, and peered through the trees to see the beat-up truck that Rick drove pulling up to the gate.  You leapt from your perch without thinking and began to march through the forest towards him, determined that you were going to have it out with him then and there.  If he didn’t want you there, that was fine.  All he had to do was tell you to your face and you’d grab your things and take off.  You were nobody’s burden.

‘Rick!’ you called, as you broke through the treeline and out on to the road, jogging to catch up with him as he rattled on the gate.  ‘Hey, Grimes!  I wanna talk to you!’

Michonne climbed from the passenger seat as you drew closer, holding up a hand to stop you as your fists clenched at your sides.  ‘Y/N, calm down.’

‘No!’ you exploded.  ‘I won’t calm down!  What the hell is your problem, all of you?  You don’t want me here, is that right?  Daryl had to talk you in to letting me stay?  What the hell, Rick?’  

The sheriff had turned towards you, his brow furrowed in a frown as he took a step forward, his hand resting on his hip as he looked you over.  ‘Y/N, this isn’t the time or place for this, alright?  Let’s just get inside.’

As if on cue, the gate slid back to grant them access, but you weren’t done.  ‘No, Rick!  There isn’t a good time to have this conversation and you obviously have something you need to say to me, so just say it, alright?  Right here, right now.  Man the hell up and let me have it!’

‘Y/N.’  Michonne’s tone was firm, as her fingers pressed against your chest, holding you back from her partner.  ‘No.  We’re not doing this now.’

‘Like hell we’re not-‘

The rest of your retort was drowned out by the growl of more engines coming closer, and you craned your neck to see a parade of vehicles rounding the corner towards you at the same moment that gunfire erupted from the trees on your right, sending the guards on fence duty tumbling from their posts, hitting the ground with sickening thuds.

‘Shit.’  You ducked around the back of the truck, trying to take cover, but there were more figures creeping along the fenceline, sending bullets flying, kicking up dust where they bit into the track at your feet. You heard Rick shout, and let loose some shots in response, but there were too many of them, and with your gates open, the Safe Zone was vulnerable.  

‘Y/N!’  Michonne was calling for you, squinting through the haze, trying to locate you amongst the chaos as she held her katana aloft.  You couldn’t move to go to her, pinned down by the approaching attackers as the vehicles rumbled to a halt, the doors opening and more intruders spilling out on to the road.  It was getting hard to breathe, and you cursed yourself for not having brought a gun or a knife or any means of protecting yourself out with you as you crawled towards the front of the truck, knowing you needed to make it inside the fences and arm yourself if you had any chance of surviving this.  But thick fingers came around the back of your neck, their grip bruising as they hauled you to your feet, forcing you on to tiptoes as a familiar voice snarled into your ear.

‘Well, now, honey, I didn’t ever think I’d see you again.’

‘Helena?’

‘It must be my lucky day.  The Lord has truly smiled upon us.  You see, you’re just what we’ve been looking for.’


	29. Chapter 29

You struggled against the vice-like grip you were held in, almost squirming your way free, when you felt the sting of cold steel pressed against your spine.

‘You see, honey, the thing is, we just need you alive for the ritual.  You don’t need to be in working order, so you try anything right now, and I’ll drive this knife in to you just far enough to paralyse you.  Do you understand?’

You nodded, whimpering when the pressure of the blade increased.  ‘I understand.’

‘Well, good.  Now, let’s go and take a look around, shall we?’

Helena propelled you forwards, loosening her grasp just enough that your feet fell flat on the ground again and you could stagger in front of her as she pushed you towards the gate.  Rick and Michonne had disappeared as the Congregation surged forwards, forcing them back into Alexandria, and the invaders spilled in after them, fanning out as they explored, gunning down anyone that moved to threaten them.

You watched in horror as they spread through the Safe Zone, pulling women and children from their homes and forcing them to their knees in their own front yards, uncaring of their cries of distress.  Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Daryl’s dark hair flying out behind him as he tore across the street up ahead, rounding the corner of one of the houses and disappearing from sight.  The armoury.  

Hesitating a moment to take stock of your situation, you realised that most of the group that had been shadowing Helena had dispersed, giving you a window of opportunity that you knew you had to use, and without further thought, you drove your elbow sharply back into her gut, though the impact caused her knife to nip at your skin, drawing blood which you felt trickling down to your waistband.  She let out an angered grunt, but you were already spinning out of her grasp, bringing your fist down against her cheek as she bent double in pain and sending her to the ground.  Before she could recover herself, you took off, sprinting in the direction of the house that held the community’s cache of weapons, hoping that Daryl would still be there, knowing your anxiety would be less likely to incapacitate you with him at your side.

‘D!’ you called out as you flung the door back, sending it crashing against the wall, cursing as you pushed it quietly closed and lowered your voice, hoping that your desperate actions hadn’t drawn too much attention.  ‘Daryl!  Are you in here?’ 

You took the stairs down to the basement two at a time, rounding the corner at the bottom to find Daryl, Rick and Michonne watching you warily, visibly relaxing when they realised it was you that was thundering in their direction, and not the enemy.  

‘Hey.’  The archer was at your side in an instant, his hands on your face, tipping your head back as he studied the reddened skin on your neck, twisting you round and letting out a growl as he took in the blood soaking through your shirt.  ‘Y’alright?’

‘I’m okay,’ you nodded, fighting to catch your breath as you pulled away from him and reached for a rifle, pulling out the drawer below to grab some bullets.

‘Rick said he thought they had ya-‘

‘They did.  I got away.’  You turned back to him, trying to keep your voice steady as fear and anger overwhelmed you.  ‘It’s them, Daryl.  It’s the Congregation.’

‘They found ya?’

‘No, I don’t think they knew I was here,’ you told him, your voice wavering as you longed to move into his arms, knowing that there wasn’t time.  ‘Just got lucky I guess.’

‘Ain’t gon’ be feelin’ very lucky when I’m done with ‘em.’

You offered him a small smile, before shifting your attention to Rick who was looking at you with confusion.  ‘I know these people, Rick.  They’re bad news.  This place is like a goldmine for them.’

‘What are you talking about?’  The sheriff’s brow was still creased in a frown and you realised that you needed to start from the beginning, though the screams that grew nearer told you that you had to talk fast.

‘I was with them for a while after the Sanctuary.  They call themselves the Congregation.  Helena, the woman that had hold of me, she’s their leader.  Her, and a guy they call Old Father Joe.  They’re religious types, nutjobs.  They…’  You tailed off as your memories got too painful, but forced yourself to continue, distracting yourself by adding to your arsenal, slipping a knife into your belt, and hooking another round of bullets into the pocket of your jeans.  ‘They look for people that have never killed, people that are innocent and pure because they’ve managed to survive this world without taking a human life.  They think that by offering the lives of these people up to God, that he’ll accept them as a sacrifice and forgive the sins of the group.’

‘They what?’

‘They crucify people to guarantee their entry into Heaven.  I swear to God, Rick, I am not making this up.  They almost did it to me but, I… I escaped.’

‘And now they’ve tracked you back here?’

‘No!’ you cried, exasperated.  ‘Weren’t you listening?  She was surprised to see me.  They didn’t know I was gonna be here.  They must be getting desperate, looking for communities where they can sift out the ones they need.  There are a hell of a lot of people here that haven’t killed, Rick!  They’re going to take them all!’

‘We gotta go,’ Daryl rasped as the doorway in the hall above slammed open, and you cocked your gun, ready to fight.  ‘Stay with me, ya hear?’

You weren’t about to argue as the first of the attackers rounded the bottom of the stairs and was quickly cut down by Michonne’s blade.  She took point, leading up and out of the house, where you split off into pairs, throwing yourselves into the chaos and readying yourselves for battle.

‘Here we go,’ you heard Daryl rasp as a group of the intruders came into view and you raised your rifle and took aim.

You lost count of how many bullets you unleashed, as you kept moving, constantly on the balls of your feet ready to duck or run, your finger sore against the trigger.  Bodies dropped around you, and you didn’t stop, just jumped over them and fought on, losing sight of everything but the need to beat the monsters down.  The gate had remained open, and the screams and gunfire brought walkers in, adding to the bloodshed as they stumbled into the fray, arms reaching and jaws snapping as they pursued those caught up in the battle.  You ran out of ammunition, bringing the butt of your rifle down on the head of one of the corpses instead, before tossing it aside and reaching for your knife.  Hand to hand had always been your strength, playing to your speed and agility, your small size giving you the edge on those who had barely begun to turn to you when you plunged the blade downwards.  

You truly felt it, the moment you lost your value to these people, taking your first life, burying your knife into the skull of the enemy until all that was protruding was the hilt, blood spurting up over your wrist as you yanked it out again.  You could pinpoint every moment since the world ended where you’d felt a little of your humanity slip away, and this was just another to add to the list.  You didn’t pause to honor it, there wasn’t time, and you twirled out of reach of a walker, before slashing across its face with the blade and peeling its skin away until it hung in sickening swathes from its chin.

‘Y/N,’ you heard Daryl’s shout and moved instinctively, leaping out of the path of the bullet just fast enough that it only grazed your arm, though you cried out at the burning pain.  An arrow whistled past your head and you felt rather than saw your shooter drop as Daryl ran past you, retrieving his weapon before catching hold of your elbow and pulling you with him.

You’d lost track of everybody in the pandemonium, everybody but the archer, and when you span again in search of your next target, you realised that the street had fallen still.  A few walkers still roamed, and you made your way over, taking them down one at a time, Daryl mirroring you across the way, until it was just the two of you and a sea of bodies.

‘Y’okay?’ he asked as he ambled over to you, his fingers trailing down your arm which was streaked with blood.  ‘Ya hurt?’

‘Just a graze,’ you reassured him, meeting his eyes and finding comfort in the genuine concern that sparkled behind them.  ‘I’m alright.  Are you?’

‘Yeah,’ he nodded, and you let out a sigh of relief.

‘Thank God.’

‘Ya mean that?’

You looked at him, puzzled.  ‘Of course I mean it, Daryl.  I love you.’

He opened his arms to you, and you stepped into them, melting into his embrace, the relief of both being alive and in one piece overriding your issues, just for a moment. ‘I love ya too.  I’m sorry, Y/N.’

‘Me too,’ you sniffled, burying your face in the crook of his neck and pressing soft kisses against the sweat-slicked skin above his collarbone.  ‘I love you so much.’

You pushed yourself up on your tiptoes so you could reach his lips, kissing him with an urgency and a need that you knew had been absent from your relationship for a long time.  He responded to your touch, holding you tighter, pulling you against his chest, but a shout from the end of the road had you breaking apart.

‘Guys, c’mon!’  You nodded at Tara, who was standing with her rifle at her side, wiping moisture from her forehead with the back of her hand as you followed her towards the church.

Outside the doors, a row of people were lined up, on their knees, their hands clutched behind their heads.  Rick stood before them, his Python raised as he surveyed them, his jaw tense as he contemplated his next move.

‘Rick,’ you began, but he silenced you with a glare.  

‘You’ve surrendered,’ he finally spoke.  ‘We’ve got your weapons, and most of your people are dead.  So, what am I supposed to do with you now?’

A voice you recognised spoke up from the end of the line, and you felt your breath hitch in your throat as you took in the exhaustion and fear in Eddie’s face.  ‘You could let us join you.’

A whisper of disbelief went through the gathered Alexandrians, but he was undeterred.  ‘We can be of use to you.  We have skills.  Most of us were only with them because it was a way to stay alive.  We didn’t want to be a part of this today.’

‘But you were,’ Rick argued.  ‘You went along with the plan and you killed good people, my people.  I can’t just let you get away with that.’

‘It’s not that different to what we did, is it?’  You found yourself speaking up, taking a step forward to address the sheriff.  ‘When you wanted to attack the satellite station, a lot of us didn’t agree, but we still did what you asked of us because you’re our leader, and because this is our home.’

‘Y/N, that’s not the point.’

‘Isn’t it?  These people made a mistake, Rick.  What are you gonna do?  Kill them all while they’re on their knees?  This isn’t right.  It isn’t what we do!’

‘Y/N-‘  He response was cut off by a rapid burst of gunfire and you watched in horror as, one by one, the line-up collapsed to the ground, blood flooding out from the fallen bodies and pooling around them.  

Daryl stepped up beside you, the rifle still clutched in his hands as he surveyed his handiwork, nodding in satisfaction.  

‘What did you do?’ you breathed, shaking your head and backing away from him.  ‘Why, Daryl?’

‘They tried to kill ya,’ he growled.  ‘They tried to kill all of us.’

‘And they surrendered!’  You shoved past him, heading for the end of the line where Eddie lay face down in the dirt.  You slipped your arms under his body, rolling him over to see a trickle of blood seeping from the corner of his mouth, his eyes open and vacant in death, and you couldn’t help the cry of pain that left you.  

‘Y/N.’  Daryl’s voice was close behind you, his hand coming down on your shoulder but you wrenched yourself away from him.

‘He saved me!’ you shouted, gesturing to the lifeless corpse beside you.  ‘He got me out!  I’d be dead if it wasn’t for him, and you just…’  

‘I didn’t know.’

‘You didn’t wanna know!’

The eyes fixed on you suddenly felt like too much, it all felt like too much, and you choked back a sob as you scanned the crowd, your lip curling in disgust at the faces that watched the scene unfold.  ‘You’re all monsters.’

And then you turned and fled into the darkness, unsure of where you were heading, except that you didn’t want to leave the fences and you couldn’t go back to your house.  Your foot caught on a fallen body and you tumbled to the ground, grazing your knees and hitting the tarmac hard, not bothering to push yourself upright again.  Peering through the gloom, you recognised the stubborn set of Helena’s face and knew she’d gone down fighting, so set was she in her evil, misguided ways.  At a loss for what else to do, you curled yourself into a ball, surrounded by death, and cried.


	30. Chapter 30

Daryl had found his girl curled up in the midst of the bodies that lined the main street, sobbing quietly to herself, lost in her overwhelming pain and confusion.  He’d scooped her up, cradling her against his chest, and she’d soon stopped fighting against him, her shoulders sagging as she allowed him to carry her home, tucking her up in bed and standing over her as she drifted off, tossing and turning at first before settling against her pillow.  He couldn’t bear to leave her in this state, so he’d pulled the wooden chair over from the corner so he could sit beside her, watching as she slept, her face growing peaceful, though her skin was still streaked with blood.  He knew he should patch her up, that she was hurt, but he couldn’t bring himself to wake her in case he should see that flash of hatred in her eyes again.  It had destroyed him.

He felt desolate, torn in two as he went over his actions again and again in his head, trying to understand what it was that she wanted from him.  These people had attacked their community, cutting down anyone that stood in their way, and rounding up everybody who might be a worthy sacrifice to take back with them.  So what if those left alive had surrendered?  Of course, they’d handed over their weapons.  They hadn’t had a choice!  They were beaten, defeated.  It didn’t make them any better than any of the others that had already been slain.  He did feel remorse for that Eddie guy though.  He remembered that she’d mentioned somebody helping her escape, working from the inside to save whoever he could, and it sucked that he’d ultimately died for it, but there was no way that Daryl could have known.  He’d learned the hard way that stopping to ask questions could cost lives of his own people, and he wasn’t willing to take that risk again.  Maybe that did make him a monster, and maybe he should be concerned by his lack of guilt, but Y/N was alive and that meant it was worth it.

A quiet rap on the door pulled his attention away from the sleeping figure on the bed, and he glanced up to see Rick watching him.  

‘She alright?’ he asked, keeping his voice low as he sidled into the room.

‘I’m not sure,’ Daryl admitted.  ‘I ain’t never seen ‘er like that before.’

‘You got a minute?’

The archer nodded and levered himself to his feet, following the sheriff out into the hallway and down the stairs.  ‘Wanna drink?’

‘No, I’m good.’  Rick leant back against the kitchen counter and sighed.  ‘You think she was right?’

‘About killin’ em?  I dunno.  Felt like the right thing t’ do at the time.’

‘Did you know that she knew that guy?’

‘Nah,’ Daryl shook his head.  ‘I knew there was someone on the inside that helped her get out, but I din’t know it was him.’

‘Would it have stopped you?’

Their eyes locked for a moment, and no answer was required.  ‘Ya shoulda seen ‘er, Rick, when I found her in the woods.  She was terrified.  They’re the ones that did that to ‘er.’

‘Were they really crucifying people?’

‘S’what she told me.  I din’t see the place, but it’s pretty twisted, ain’t it?’

Rick dropped his gaze to the ground, sighing loudly.  ‘There’s always something worse round the corner, isn’t there?  I mean, I thought Negan was pretty much evil personified, and then this…’

At Daryl’s glare, he backtracked a little.  ‘Don’t get me wrong, he’s no angel, and he’s never getting out of that cell, not while I’m running this place, but at least he wasn’t…  Shit.’

Silence fell between the men as they both contemplated the pain that the Congregation’s victims must have suffered, the unspeakable torture.  It was hard to believe the extreme actions that this world continued to push people to.  It seemed the biggest challenge of all was clinging on to your faith in humanity, and this was just another test of that belief.

Eventually, Daryl spoke, shifting to hoist himself up onto the worktop.  ‘What am I gon’ say to her when she wakes up, Rick?’

‘What do you wanna say?’

‘I dunno,’ the archer confessed.  ‘E’rytime we talk it just turns into a fight.  S’like we ain’t no good together no more, but… I love her, man.’

‘Have you spoken to her about-‘

‘Nah.  Can’t do it.’

‘Daryl, you’ve gotta talk to her.’

‘’N’ what if she tells me she loved him, huh?  What if she tells me they have a connection or some shit?  How am I s’posed to deal with that?’

‘She won’t,’ Rick reassured him.  ‘Look, I’m not condoning her decisions, and I can’t say I fully trust her still, but…  Whatever she did, she did out of necessity, to stay alive.  I truly believe that.  You’re the only one she loves, so don’t screw this up by sitting on it, okay?  Just ask her.’

‘She shoulda told me.  It ain’t my place to drag it up.  I ain’t s’posed to know, none of us are.  She shoulda come clean when I found her.  If she’d just told me, I woulda understood.  It’s the lies that are killin’ me.’

‘Maybe she just doesn’t know how to tell you.  Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt you.’

‘Yeah, cos all of the fights ain’t hurtin’ at all.  Ya know she snuck down there to see him?’

Rick cleared his throat, leaning his head back and exhaling loudly.  ‘I didn’t know that, no.’

‘I told ya it was a bad idea to keep him here, Rick.  S’just gon’ cause trouble.’

‘I’m not killing him, Daryl.  Carl wanted-‘

‘Carl didn’t know half the stuff that’s gone down since…’  He tailed off as Rick’s eyes glazed over, knowing he was in danger of losing his friend to his void of grief.  ‘Look, I ain’t sayin’ that Carl wasn’t right about a lotta things, but I ain’t so sure he was right about Negan.  Havin’ him here puts all of us at risk.’

‘He’s locked up and guarded 24 hours a day.  There’s nothing he can do.’

‘N’ what if Y/N finds a way t’ get him out?  What if-‘

‘Do you really think I would do that?’  He was silenced by Y/N’s voice from the doorway and his breath hitched in his throat at the look of betrayal on her face as she stepped into view.

‘Is that why everybody hates me?  Because you think I’m on his side?’

‘No, Y/N, that’s not it-‘  Rick tried to diffuse the situation, but he could tell from her expression that it was too late.

‘You know what he did to me!’  She was talking solely to Daryl, though her gaze flicked back and forth between him and the sheriff.  ‘You lived it too, and you think I could possibly be on his side?’

‘I dunno what t’ think, Y/N,’ Daryl growled, more angry at himself than her, but venting his rage the only way he knew how.  ‘I don’t even know ya anymore.’

‘What the fuck?’  Her voice was full of hurt as she shook her head in disbelief.  ‘Let me get this straight.  You’re the one gunning people down while they’re on their knees, surrendering, and I’m the one who’s a threat?’

‘Y/N-‘  Once again, Rick tried to intervene and once again she shut him down.

‘Shut up!  What?  Does everyone think that just because I wasn’t fighting with you in the war, that must mean I was against you?  Seriously?  You have no idea…’  Her voice cracked, and she ran her hand through her hair as she fought the tears that had pooled in her eyes.  ‘I thought I was family.  I thought… I thought you loved me.’

Daryl fidgeted uncomfortably, dropping his gaze to the ground, unable to look at her in such obvious pain.  ‘I do.’

‘Well, then I must’ve forgotten what love looks like, because in my head it sure as hell isn’t this!’  She span on her heel and headed back towards the stairs, and he followed her, wanting to stop her so they could hash this out once and for all.

‘Where are ya goin’?’

‘To pack my things.’  Her words stopped him in his tracks as she turned back to him, tears streaming freely down her face now.  ‘I can’t do this anymore, D.  I can’t keep feeling like this.  I just need a break, I think.  I’m gonna go to the Hilltop and see Maggie.’

‘But-‘

‘Look, can we not, please?  I don’t wanna fight anymore.  I’m done, Daryl.  I’m just done.’

He thought the news that she’d died at the Sanctuary had hurt, but her decision to leave him as a conscious choice was agonising.  How had it come to this?  The only person he’d ever let in, the only girl he’d ever gotten close to, and she was walking away.  Was it his fault?  Had he really driven her to this? Seconds later, she was back at the top of the stairs, barging past him as she slammed out of the door, her pack hitched up on her shoulder and a pistol in her hand.  Heavy footsteps thumped down the porch steps, and then she was gone.

 

* * *

 

The bottle felt heavy in Daryl’s hand but still he managed to lift it to his lips and take another sip, the amber liquid burning a trail down his throat and stoking the fire burning in his chest.  He knew this was a bad idea, and yet it was all he could think of to numb the pain.  He’d found the bottle at the back of one of the shelves in the store room, dusty with age, the label discoloured, probably left over from the drinks parties that had been commonplace back before they’d arrived.  Since things had gone south with the Saviors, there’d been no time for drinking, until now.  

He heard the heavy wooden door creak open, and footsteps echoed through the church as someone moved between the aisles, searching for him.  When they found him, propped up against the altar, they sighed.

‘Daryl, what are you doing?’

He could only shrug as Michonne lowered herself to the floor beside him, gasping a little at the chill of the wooden boards beneath the thin fabric of her trousers.

‘You know this isn’t the answer.’

‘She’s gone, Chonne,’ he mumbled, tipping the bottle back and taking another sip.  ‘She’s gone ‘n’ it’s my fault.’

‘She’s coming back.  She’s just gone for a few days to get some space.’

‘She don’t wanna be with me no more.  Said she was done.’

‘She’s just tired of fighting.’  Her hand reached over and took the bottle from him, placing it on the ground out of his reach, and he grunted at her in annoyance.  ‘Rick said you hadn’t spoken to her about Negan.’

‘Ain’t nothin’ t’ say.  She’s obviously got a new type ‘n’ I ain’t it.’

‘I don’t think that’s true.’

‘I don’t care what ya think,’ he snapped.  ‘Ya don’t know what it’s like t’ know yer bein’ lied to all the damn time.  I trusted ‘er, ‘Chonne.  She’s the only one I ever trusted.’

‘I just think there’s more to this than you know.’  She kept her tone soothing, her voice low, but he still glared at her accusingly.

‘Alright then, what if it was Rick?  Would ya find it so easy to dish out advice then?  What if he’d slept with that trash bitch, huh?  Would it make it okay if he was doin’ it to survive?’

‘I don’t know,’ she admitted.  ‘But I do know that it’s hard to find love in this world, and I wouldn’t be ready to let it go without a fight.’

‘All we’ve done is fight.’

‘Not what I meant.’

He felt all of his anger dissipate as a wave of exhaustion washed over him, and he sagged against Michonne’s shoulder, not bothering to pull away when she rested her hand over his.

‘It hurts, ‘Chonne.  It hurts so bad.’

‘I know, sweetie.’

‘How do I make it stop?’

‘Not like this.’  She leant down to press a soft kiss to the top of his head where it rested against her shoulder, wishing she knew the right words to say to make him see that it wasn’t over, not yet.  ‘This isn’t the way.’

‘I hate her,’ he rasped, as her shoulder became damp under the tears that he couldn’t hold back any longer, left vulnerable by his drunken state.

‘No, you don’t.’

‘I love her.’

‘I know.’

‘Make it stop.  Please, make it stop.’


	31. Chapter 31

It was more luck than judgement that it was starting to get light out when you stormed out of the house with your pack on your shoulder, your pistol clenched in your fist in case either Rick or Daryl should try to stop you.  You were lost in a haze of fury, having caught the end of their hushed conversation in the kitchen, and you weren’t above using violent threats to get yourself out of there if needed.  Rays of early morning sunlight were just cresting the fence as you approached the gate, debating with yourself for a moment whether to take a car, before deciding it was better to walk.  Part of you knew that the time alone and long hike would do you good, giving you time to think and breathe, and part of you just didn’t want to risk the humiliation of them turning down your request to take a vehicle.  After all, you weren’t one of them anymore, or so it seemed.

You kept up a quick pace, relishing the ache in your muscles that came from the physical exertion, though your joints were still hurting from last night’s battle.  It all felt eerily surreal in the harsh light of day, as if it had all been some kind of freakish nightmare, though you could feel the bruises on your neck from Helena’s harsh grip, and you’d had to stop to patch up your wounds, the cut on your back and graze on your arm, which had begun to sting as your sweat trickled into them.  What bothered you more than the pain though, was the image in your head of Daryl with his rifle raised, nodding in satisfaction after gunning down a group of people offering their surrender.  You hadn’t recognised him in that moment, had seen no trace at all of the man you loved, and it seemed he felt the same about you.  That’s what he’d said, wasn’t it?  That he didn’t know you anymore.  It hurt, God, it hurt so bad, but you couldn’t dwell on it.  You just had to keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other, determined to make it to the Hilltop before nightfall.

In actual fact, you made good time, having managed to skirt round the few lonely roamers that had stumbled into your path, and it was late afternoon when you arrived.  You declared yourself at the gate, seeing recognition flash across the face of the guard, and were granted access without too much of a fuss, making you feel accepted for the first time in forever.  

Your relief slipped away as you saw Maggie approaching, lifting your arm to wave to her, and receiving a hard glare in return.  Jesus was at her side, smiling softly at you, and reaching out to embrace you while your best friend kept her distance.

‘Y/N, I’m glad you came.’

‘Thank you, Jesus.  I had to get out.’

‘Well, you’re very welcome.  Isn’t that right, Maggie?’  He turned to the woman at his side, nudging her forward but she didn’t open her arms to receive you as you might have expected.  

‘Y/N,’ she greeted you with a small nod.  ‘How are you?’

‘Tired,’ you admitted.  ‘There was an attack last night.’

Her eyes grew wide, her mouth dropping open in dismay, and you hurried to reassure her.  ‘We lost a few, but it was mostly just injuries, I think.’

‘You think?’

‘Well, I left at first light,’ you explained, but her icy stare had returned.  ‘Mags, is it okay that I’m here?  I can go…’

‘No,’ she sighed.  ‘No, I don’t want you to leave.  C’mon, let’s go and get you something to eat.’

She nodded towards Barrington House, and you fell into step beside her as she made her way up the track, leaving Jesus behind, staying back to give you girls the space you needed to catch up.

‘How are you doing?’ you asked nervously as you walked.  ‘I mean, with the baby and everything?  You look good.’

‘I’m okay,’ she nodded.  ‘The baby’s okay.  We get by.’

‘Well, good.  That’s good.’

Silence fell between you, and you cursed yourself for thinking it would be any different here.  You should’ve known that if Rick and Daryl had turned on you, Maggie would have too.

As you reached the front door, she turned to you and gestured to the gun and knife that sat against your hips.  ‘I’m gonna need to take those.’

‘What?’  You looked at her incredulously.  ‘Since when?’  

You’d never known the Hilltop to disarm known visitors before, and you couldn’t help but feel hurt that she would trust you so little as to think you might be a threat to her.

‘Look, it isn’t personal, okay?  We just can’t afford to take any risks right now.’

‘Feels kinda personal,’ you snapped, but reined your temper in, sliding your weapons from their holsters and handing them over.

She led you into a small sitting room to the left of the hallway and settled herself in a chintzy floral armchair which swallowed her up, even with her swollen stomach.

You crossed the room, sinking down into the corner of the couch and curling yourself up, trying to relax as though things between you were still normal.  If you could make yourself believe it, you might be able to dispel the tension, so you brought your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them and giving her a small smile.

‘Never thought you’d be calling this place home.’

‘It wasn’t really a choice,’ she smirked.  ‘Gregory sold everybody here out to the Saviors, but I suppose you knew that.’

‘I didn’t, but I can’t say I’m surprised.’

‘No, nobody was, I don’t think.  Either way, it left them without a leader, and they looked to me, for some reason that I still don’t really understand.’

‘Cos you’re a rock star, Mags.’  You couldn’t help but be impressed by her humility, even with a whole community looking to her for answers.  ‘You’ve always been one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.  They’re lucky to have you.’

‘Sometimes we don’t get a choice,’ she sneered, her face contorting for a moment into something ugly with disdain.  ‘Sometimes life forces us to be strong.’

‘Yeah,’ you agreed, dropping your gaze to the rug that covered the wooden floorboards in the centre of the room, unable to look at her vicious glare anymore.  ‘I get that.’

‘I’m not so sure.’

You exhaled loudly, shifting the conversation on to something less contentious.  ‘So, how is everyone?  Enid and Sasha…’

‘Are you joking?’  That sneer was back, and you let your head flop back against the cushion, already tired of getting it wrong every single time.

‘What, Mags?  What have I said wrong now?’

‘Sasha’s dead, Y/N, and don’t you dare try and tell me you didn’t know that!’

‘What?  I-I didn’t.’  Nobody had mentioned it to you, all of them still raw and grieving for Carl, and you hadn’t thought to question Sasha’s absence as the last you’d known she was at the Hilltop with Maggie.  ‘I’m sorry, I had no idea.’

‘You must’ve done!  She went to the Sanctuary.  She was determined to get revenge, for what Negan took from her and Rosita, for Abraham, and he locked her up, probably in your old cell, right?’

‘What?  No!’

‘He locked her in a coffin!  Did you know that, Y/N?  She suffocated in there!’

‘God, I’m sorry, Maggie.  I’m so sorry!’  You crumbled under her harsh interrogation, grasping fistfuls of your hair as you rocked back and forth.  Sasha.  She’d lost so much, and you’d seen the growing affection between her and Abe, encouraged it even, having always thought more of her than Rosita who you’d never grown close to.  You couldn’t believe she’d been there, probably no more than ten feet away from you where you’d been held, and it hurt to know that she was gone.

‘Please, Y/N.  Don’t do this.’

‘Don’t do what?’  You flung your arms in the air in exasperation.  ‘God, Mags, please can you just tell me what the hell is going on?  Everybody seems to hate me and I have literally no clue what it is that I’m supposed to have done!  Rick doesn’t want me in Alexandria, and I heard Daryl telling him he thought I might break Negan out of his cell!  Is that what you all think?  That I’ve gone over to the dark side?  That I sold my soul to the Saviors?  Because I didn’t, Maggie, I swear to you.  If I could have escaped I would have, but I just couldn’t see a way out!’

‘Maybe because you didn’t want to!’  She was on her feet now, pacing back and forth in front of you, though she didn’t seem to be able to bring herself to look at you.  ‘Maybe you were just too damn comfortable there, huh, Y/N?  What I don’t understand is how you could do it!  You knew what he’d done, what he did to Glenn and Abe, what he took from us, and you still said yes to him!  And now, you show up here expecting nothing to have changed between us!  Didn’t you think of me at all while you were fucking him?  Or did you laugh with him about it all?  Was it all part of the grand seduction for you?’

Your mind was reeling at her accusations, though it wasn’t until she neared the end of her rant that you realised what she was implying.  ‘Y-You think I slept with Negan?’

‘You were his wife, Y/N!  We all know!  He offered you a way out and you took it!  And I have lain awake at night trying to understand, to find it in my heart to forgive you, because I know how hard it must have been, but I just… I just can’t.  I’m sorry.’

‘I-I wasn’t…  Why would you even think that?’

‘One of the Saviors told Daryl.’

‘And he believed him?’

‘It was over!  What did he have to gain by lying?’

‘I don’t know!  Was it the same guy who told him I was dead, by any chance, cos that wasn’t true, was it?  They told me they killed him, did you know that?  They play games, Maggie!  It’s what they do, what they did right up ‘til the end!  They get off on it!’

‘But-‘

‘Negan did offer me a choice, but I turned him down and he made my life miserable because of it.  I can’t believe you think I’d do that to you, to Daryl, to everyone!  God, I…’  You tailed off, dissolving into tears as the realisation of what everybody thought you capable of overwhelmed you.  ‘I can’t believe you, Maggie, any of you.’

‘You’re serious?  You weren’t-‘

‘No!’  She reached out a hand to you, but you shoved it away, pushing yourself up off the couch and stalking over to the window, staring out at the rural community as they went about their days, oblivious to your turmoil.  ‘That’s really why everyone’s being so weird?  Because they think I was sleeping with the enemy?’

‘Well, yeah.’  You could see the remorse in her eyes now as she approached you, but you weren’t ready to hear her apologies.  

‘And Daryl… He believed it?’

‘He was the one who told me, Y/N.  I-I’m sorry.’

‘So am I.’  

She reached out to you again, her hand coming to rest on your shoulder.  ‘I never meant…  I mean, I didn’t know.  I thought-‘

‘That I would betray everyone that I love.  That I would crawl into bed with that monster just to get an easy ride.  That I’m still working for him now.

‘No, I-‘

‘Then why did you take my weapons?’

Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to find the answers that she owed you, but nothing came out and you turned back to the view with a sigh.  ‘God, how did we end up like this?’

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said again, moving away from you to sink down on the couch, how hand instinctively coming up to rest on her stomach.  ‘I’ve been so messed up, and so angry, and I think I just needed to believe it, because if I don’t have anyone to be angry with then I have too much time to think, and if I think…’  

‘You’ll realise he’s gone?’

She nodded.  ‘Exactly.’

‘I’m sorry, Mags, I really am.  Glenn deserved so much more.  He deserved to have a family and die old, and happy, and surrounded by people he loved.’

‘Well, he got one of those things.’

‘Yeah, he did,’ you agreed.  ‘And when this little one comes along, I will tell them all about their Daddy and what an amazing man he was.’

‘And what a stupid bitch their mama is too, right?’

‘Nah,’ you smirked, dropping down beside her and nudging into her with your shoulder.  ‘They’ll figure that out themselves eventually.’

She gave you a tight smile, and you nudged her again, causing her to let out a huff of laughter, though her body remained tense.  ‘Are we okay?  I don’t know what to say, Y/N.’

‘We’re okay,’ you reassured her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.  ‘You believe me though, right?’

‘I do.  I think a part of me doubted it the whole time, but it was just… easier.  I know that sounds awful.’

‘War is messy.’

‘Yeah, it is.’

‘To be honest, the only one I’m really mad at is Daryl,’ you confessed.  ‘I thought he knew me inside out, but if he could believe that I would do that, maybe he doesn’t know me at all.’

‘Go easy on him, Y/N.  He’s been struggling for a long time now.’

‘But, still-‘

‘You should’ve seen him, when he thought you were dead.  He was a mess.  I’ve never seen him fall apart like that before, not even after Merle.  I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but he does love you.  Just, remember that.’

‘I’ll try.’

Tucked up in one of the spare rooms in the big house later that night, you couldn’t fight the anger that surged through your veins as you thought about Daryl’s treatment of you, the resentment bubbling under the surface that he hadn’t bothered to try to talk to you about.  Talking was the thing you two had always been good at.  Hell, you were the only person he’d ever really been able to talk to, and now he was shutting you out, just like he did everyone else.  That he could truly believe that you’d cheated on him to save your own ass was more than you could even begin to comprehend and you were torn in two, half of you wanting to slap him round his stupid face and scream and shout at him for thinking so little of you, and the other half wanting to wrap yourself around him, hold him close and reassure him that you were his, only his, and that no one else had even come close to worming their way into your affections.  You eventually drifted off into disturbing dreams where he was walking through the forest some way in front of you, oblivious to your screams as the gathering corpses tore you limb from limb.  


	32. Chapter 32

When you joined Maggie for breakfast the following morning, she smiled sadly at you across the table, extending her hand to rest over yours.

‘I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but I really am sorry, Y/N.’

‘It’s okay,’ you reassured her.  ‘Honestly, it’s fine.’

‘I don’t understand how you aren’t still mad at me!’  She began to pick at the apple in front of her, digging her nails in to the skin until the juice seeped out and trickled down her fingers.  ‘If it were the other way round, I don’t think I could be so forgiving.’

‘Honestly, Mags, you’re the person I’m least mad at.  You’ve been going through a lot.’  Your mouth quirked into a smirk as she met your gaze.  ‘Anyway, I can use all the friends I can get right now.  Literally everyone else seems to hate me, and you’re the only one who knows the truth.  Once I’ve smoothed things over with the rest of the group, then I might give you a piece of my mind!’

‘Oh, shut up!’  She kicked you under the table and you giggled.  ‘If I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven.  You aren’t allowed to backtrack.’

‘Okay, well, you’re definitely forgiven.’  You scooped up a mouthful of scrambled eggs, washing it down with a sip of water as you revelled in the normality of laughing with a friend.  It had been too long.

‘Am I right in thinking the air’s been cleared?’  Jesus’ voice came from the doorway and, a moment later, he slipped into the seat beside you, stretching over to snag a piece of fruit from the dish in the centre of the table.  

You nodded.  ‘Pretty much.  But I would like to be the first to tell you that I did not, in fact, sleep with Negan, nor did I agree to marry him, or anything else you may have heard.  He worked my ass to the bone then tossed me in a concrete cell every night where I was allowed to get all of about an hour of sleep before he started pumping in the most obscenely irritating pop song I have ever heard in my life.  It was torture, but I didn’t even consider stooping that low to get out of it.’

‘Well, I’m… glad to hear it?’ The look on the slender man’s face was priceless and you couldn’t help the snort that escaped you.  ‘I mean, I’m sorry for what you went through, obviously, but I’m glad you were strong enough to stick it out without resorting to-‘

‘There is nothing that could have forced me to that, trust me.’

‘So, what do you wanna do today?’ Maggie asked, steering the conversation back on to safer ground.  ‘I need to go over some figures on the food production, but after that I’ll be around if you wanna finish catching up.’

‘Actually, I think I need to get back.’  You’d been intending to stay at the Hilltop for a few days, to give yourself some time to relax and figure out what you were going to do about your situation, but after Maggie’s revelation, you desperately needed to get back and talk to Daryl.  You weren’t sure yet exactly what you were going to say, how you were going to react, but you needed him to know that it wasn’t true, that you had never, would never, betray him like that.  The rest you’d figure out as you went along.

‘You sure?’  The look on your friend’s face was one of concern, and you knew she was aware of your confusion about how to deal with this, but you gave her a tight smile.

‘I’ve gotta talk to him, Mags.  I can’t leave things like this, not with him thinking that I…’  You tailed off, unable to say it out loud again.  ‘I just need him to know the truth.  If we still can’t work things out then that sucks, but at least I’ll know it hasn’t fallen apart because of an evil lie.’

She nodded in understanding, and Jesus placed a hand on your shoulder, sensing the tension emanating from your body.

‘I was heading out on a run anyway.  I’ll drive you when you’re ready to go.’

 

* * *

 

As you wandered down the main street of Alexandria, the looks you received were once again curious, perhaps more so now after your outburst following the execution of the surviving members of the Congregation.  You were glad that Jesus had remained at your side, using the opportunity to drop in on Rick and Michonne, though he was insisting on escorting you to your door first.  He was respected by the community, and you thought without him the stares would be less questioning and more resentful.

As you approached the end of the road, you could make out the figure of the archer slumped on the porch steps, sharpening his arrows, hostility coming off of him in waves.  You noticed a couple of the neighbor’s kids crossing the street to avoid passing by and practically shook with frustration.  Daryl wasn’t a bad man, you still truly believed that.  He was messed up though, that was for sure, and you only hoped that the frank conversation you were determined to have with him would help him turn things around.

You felt Jesus’ hand on your forearm, giving it a tight squeeze before breaking away from you to head back towards the Grimes household, so you walked the last few yards alone, expecting Daryl to look up and notice you at any moment, but his head remained bowed.

‘Hey you.’  Your voice was a nervous husk when you finally stood at the foot of the stairs, and he glanced up in surprise, looking pleased to see you for a fraction of a second before his frown settled back into place.

‘Whatcha doin’ here?  Thought ya was gonna be gone longer.’

‘I was.’  You turned to take a seat on a step a couple below where his long body was sprawled, and dumped your pack on the ground at your feet.  ‘But I spoke to Maggie, and I just… I needed to talk to you.’

‘’Bout what?’

Taking a deep breath, you readied yourself for what was to come before answering him.  ‘About Negan.’

You saw him physically flinch as the name slipped from your lips, and you knew then that this had been the root of all of the aggression that he’d thrown your way in recent weeks.  When he didn’t speak, you cleared your throat and continued.  ‘So, I heard this crazy thing at the Hilltop, and I just wanted to set the record straight with you, because I think you kinda hate me right now, and you need to know that I’m not who you think I am, D.’

‘I don’t hate ya.’

‘Really?  You might wanna tell your face that.’  Your attempt at humour fell flat as his glare intensified and you turned away from him to look out at the street.  ‘You think I slept with him.’

‘Didn’t ya?’

‘No, Daryl, I didn’t.’

‘So why’d he make ya his wife then?’  His handsome features contorted in a look of disgust and confusion, and you felt your heart twist with pain.  ‘What’d he get out that deal if ya weren’t fuckin’ him?  Don’t make no sense, girl.  I know how he worked thing up in that place.’

‘I wasn’t his wife.’

‘But-‘

‘But one of his men told you, I know.  Funny thing is, they told me you were dead, and I know they told you the same about me, so I’m not really sure why you’re set on believing a damn word that came out of any of their mouths.’

‘Made sense, I guess.  Woulda been the only way t’ keep yerself safe.’

You sighed.  ‘Daryl, I know you made it your life’s work to protect me, and I know you’ve saved my ass more times than I can count, but I’m stronger than you think.  Yeah, I have anxiety, and yeah, every so often it becomes unbearable, but that doesn’t mean I stop fighting.  I was Negan’s prisoner from the second I set foot in the Sanctuary ‘til the moment I left.  Not once did I agree to be his wife and not once did I put on one of those stupid little dresses.  I worked all day and then I went back to my cell.  That was my life, just like I’ll bet it was yours.  I promise you, D, I didn’t marry him.’

‘Ya didn’t?’

‘No!  I don’t know how you could even think for one second that I could do that to you?  Don’t you know how much I love you?’

‘I didn’… I just thought-’

‘That I would betray you and crawl into bed with the man I watched murder two of our own with a freakin’ baseball bat without a second thought?’

‘Nah.  I just…  I dunno.  It made sense, Y/N, it just did.’  His eyes were burning in to you and once again you were caught in the middle of wanting to slap him and needing to kiss him and make it all okay.

‘Even if you believed it, why the hell wouldn’t you say anything to me, Daryl?  Why have you been sitting on this all this time and acting like you didn’t even wanna be with me anymore instead of just talking to me about it?’

‘I was waitin’ for ya to tell me.  I thought ya’d been lyin’ about it ‘n’ the only reason for ya t’ do that was if ya’d had feelin’s for him.  I didn’ wanna hear that, Y/N.  I couldn’ risk hearin’ ya tell me that.’

Your mouth fell open in disbelief and you shook your head, pushing yourself upright once more so that you could pace back and forth in front of the house, needing to be doing something, to be moving.  It was worse than you’d even imagined, and the hurt you felt had shifted from a dull ache to a raging burn.  ‘So, you didn’t just think that I’d have sex with that monster, you actually thought I’d fallen for him?  I can’t believe you!’

‘S’not like ya t’ keep secrets from me.  It was the only reason I could think of for ya to keep it to yerself.’  When you just glared at him without bothering to offer a response, he carried on, continuing to dig the hole deeper and deeper.  ‘Ya forgave me too easily, Y/N, for all the killin’, for the temper.  Ya didn’t judge me for it, not once, ‘n’ I thought maybe it was cos…’

‘What?  Cos it was my type?  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  The reason I didn’t judge you is because I understand why you did it, Daryl!  I understand how easy it is to slip into that pit of anger!  God, if it had been me out here while you were still locked up, I would’ve done anything to get to you, literally anything!’

‘So, yer sayin’ it’s not true?  None of it?’

‘No, it’s not true.  Of course, it’s not true!  Negan did come to me and offer me a way out if I agreed to become his wife, but do you know what I said?  I told him I was with someone that I loved more than anything and that he could go to hell.’

‘So, why’d ya go ‘n’ see him then?  Why visit him if it wasn’t cos-’

You couldn’t even let him finish the sentence before letting out a growl of frustration.  ‘Oh my God, this is ridiculous!  You still don’t believe me, do you?’

Part of the reason that you’d forgiven Maggie so quickly was that she’d accepted the truth almost immediately, realising how stupid she’d been to believe those things about you, and needing little convincing that the whole thing had been a lie.  Yet here Daryl was, still questioning you.

‘It ain’t that, I just-’

‘I went to see him so I could tell him how much I hated him and so I could see his face when I told him that all of the death and pain and misery is his fault.’  Your voice was thick with emotion as you fought back tears.  ‘What did you think I did, Daryl?  Let him touch me through the bars?  Cos I just can’t get enough, right?  I can’t believe you actually thought I would even consider breaking him out, after everything he’s done.’

‘I thought ya loved him!’

‘The only person I have ever loved is you, you idiot!’  You stood over him, your face red as you panted with anger, your eyes glazed as you stared down at your stupid, stupid man.  ‘I have never felt this way about anyone, even before the world went to hell, and since the first time you kissed me, you are the only one I have even thought about.  How can you not know that?  It’s you, Daryl.  Always you.  Only you.’

He reached for you and you backed away, the tears spilling down your cheeks as you shook your head.  ‘No, don’t touch me.’

‘Y/N, I’m sorry.’

‘You should be.  Maggie and Rick, I kinda get.  They’re both grieving and they need someone, anyone, to hate, because otherwise they have to deal with their own issues.  But you… you should have known better.  You should know me better.’

‘I thought I did.’

‘Well, you’re wrong.’

You sank down beside him, though there was an agonising inch of space between your bodies that would never have been there before.  For a while you both fell silent, lost in your thoughts, and when Daryl finally spoke, his voice was so low it was almost inaudible.

‘So, what happens now?’

‘I don’t know,’ you admitted.  ‘I don’t know what I want anymore.’

‘I do.  I want us.  Like it was.’

‘I don’t know if like it was even exists now, D.’

‘We can try though, can’t we?’

‘Yeah, we can try,’ you nodded, forcing a smile as you looked at him through your tears.  ‘But I think I just need a little time first.’

‘Whatever ya need,’ he reassured you, reaching out and taking your hand, his shoulders sagging in relief when you didn’t pull away again.  ‘I’ll wait, I promise.  I love ya, Y/N.  I ain’t never stopped, not even when I thought…’

He tailed off, and silence reigned again.  His hand slipped from yours, but you remained where you were, that heartbreaking inch still between you, sitting together, but both so very alone.

* * *


	33. Chapter 33

It was dark when Daryl slipped outside and made his way down the street to Morgan’s house.  He still called it Morgan’s house in his head even though the guy was gone.  Too many people were gone, but Daryl could still see them.  He’d left Y/N sleeping, curled up on the couch with her arm tucked beneath her head, and strands of hair falling over her face.  She’d looked so peaceful and he hated that the anguish that marred her features in the daytime was caused by him.  How could he have got it all so wrong?  He hadn’t questioned for a second that she’d been Negan’s wife, hadn’t doubted the information at all, but now that she’d pointed out to him the sick game that the Saviors had played, pretending each was dead to the other, it seemed so painfully obvious that it was all he could do not to beat the holy hell out of himself.  Of course, they’d been lying.  It was all they knew how to do!  They twisted and manipulated and took a perverse pleasure in watching their little puzzles unfold.  And he was worse than all of them.  That’s what Daryl needed tonight.  To see him and to hear it from his own mouth what a sadistic piece of shit he really was.

The archer huffed a sigh of relief as he drew closer to the building that held the prisoner in its basement, recognising the silhouette of the sheriff against the wall, his bow-legged stance unique in the community.

‘Rick,’ Daryl greeted him as he approached.

‘Daryl, where are you off to at this time of night?’

He hesitated, wondering if he was delusional for thinking that Rick may let him slip inside without a fuss, but deciding that he didn’t have much choice but to be honest now that he was here.  ‘I wanna see him.  Negan. We need to talk.’

‘About Y/N?’

‘What d’ya know about it?’

‘Jesus told me that none of it’s true, that she never married him.’

Daryl nodded, his anger stoked once more at the sound of the words falling from Rick’s mouth.  ‘S’right.  It was all just another mindfuck, ‘n’ I ain’t just gon’ sit there ‘n’ let him get away with it.’

‘So, what are you gonna do?’

‘I dunno yet.’

‘I can’t let you kill him, Daryl.’

‘I ain’t gonna kill him. I just need… I just need t’ see him, alright?’

For a moment Rick hesitated and Daryl thought he might have to use force to get inside, but then he was stepping out of his path and motioning for him to pass, and the archer slipped into the darkened hallway, heading for the stairs that he knew led down to the cell.  He barely spared a glance for the other guard on post in the darkness, taking a deep, steadying breath before he pushed open the door that would bring him face to face with his enemy, letting it click quietly shut behind him.

Negan was sleeping, stretched out on the thin bunk that had been allocated to him, his feet hanging over the end, his arms crossed behind his head.  He looked calm in his slumber, and Daryl hated him for it.  When was the last time he’d enjoyed sleep that deep and peaceful?  He couldn’t even remember.

He reached for the wooden chair that stood in the corner of the room, wrapping his hands around the thin poles that made up the backrest, and hoisting it up into the air.  With a grunt of rage, he thrust it with all his strength across the room where it crashed against the metal bars, splintering apart under the impact.

Negan was on his feet immediately, looking wildly round for the threat, his fists balled in front of him, his stance defensive.  When he noticed Daryl standing in the doorway, his hands dropped to his sides and he let out a sigh of relief, though his jaw tensed again when he noticed the fury that burned behind the archer’s eyes.

‘Well, well, well,’ he drawled, his voice low and lazy as he eyed up his adversary.  ‘What the fuck are you doing here at this time of night?’

‘Did ya know?’  Daryl’s voice was accusatory and fierce, his words spat over his shoulder as he turned away from the caged man, afraid of what he might do if he looked at him for too long.  ‘Did ya plan it, all of ya together?  Did ya laugh about it?’

‘I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re on about, Daryl, but I’m guessing the answer you wanna hear is yes.’

‘Y/N.’  Her name tasted like ashes in his mouth, and he pushed back the image of how hurt she’d be if she knew he was here right now, having this conversation.  ‘What ya did to us.’

‘What exactly is it you think I did to you?’  Negan’s face had broken into a smirk, his eyes glinting with amusement at Daryl’s edginess.  ‘Locked you up and tortured you?  Sure, yeah, I did that to both of you.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that I had a good laugh at your expense too.  That shit was entertaining as hell.’

‘That ain’t what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.  I’m talkin’ bout the lies, Negan, the games.  It was over.  What was the damn point?’

‘You’ve lost me.’

‘After the battle, the last one, I went t’ find ‘er, at the Sanctuary.’

‘Well, I coulda guessed that much.’

‘’N’ instead I found one o’ yer men.  He told me she was dead.  That she got bit when I let the walkers in.  ‘N’ it turned out, she’d been told the same thing ‘bout me, ‘bout her family here, that we were all gone.  That there was nothin’ left.’

Negan let out a low whistle as he processed the words, before a chuckle rumbled deep in his chest. ‘Oh man, are you serious?  Shit, I thought I was an evil bastard.  Sounds like I didn’t recognise some goddamn potential in my own damn people.  Who was it?’

‘That don’ matter.  Ya tellin’ me ya didn’ tell ‘em t’ do that?’

‘No,’ he insisted, shaking his head.  ‘That order didn’t come from me.  Except…’

He tailed off and Daryl took a step towards him, his head tilted to one side as he waited for him to continue.

‘Except what?’

‘Well, before one of our supply runs over here, after we’d taken Y/N, one of my men asked what they should tell you about her if they saw you.  We knew you’d be hiding here somewhere, and they knew I wanted you back. So, I told them to tell you she was dead.  Wanted to see you turn up on my doorstep all reckless and looking for revenge. Thought it’d be fun to watch you all worked up and fighting for your fucking life.’

‘I knew it!  I knew it had to come from you!’

‘Well, yeah, but, shit, I didn’t realise they’d go through with it, even after…’

‘Well, they did.’

‘Gotta say, I’m fucking impressed.  How the hell did you find out it wasn’t true?’

‘That ain’t none o’ ya damn business.  I’m askin’ the questions here.’  Daryl’s fingers wrapped around the handle of his knife, and he drew it from his belt, keeping it clutched at his side, trying to control the red mist that was descending over his vision, urging him to lash out at the monster that was still watching him with an arrogant smile.  ‘Ya know what else they told me?’

‘Oh, I don’t, but I cannot wait to find out!’

‘They told me she was one o’ yer whores.  That ya gave her an easy ride in return for bein’ yer wife.’

Negan’s head rolled back, and another laugh forced its way up his throat.  ‘Well, shit.’

‘Is it true?’

‘Shouldn’t you be asking Y/N that?’

‘Answer the question.’

‘What do you want me to say, Daryl?  That the second I tossed that dress into her cell she forgot you even existed?  Want me to tell you how damn cute her ass looked in the fucking hot lingerie that she got all dolled up in for me?  Do you need to hear that it was my name she was whimpering every time I worked her over?  Is that what you want me to tell you?  Is that why you’re here?’

Daryl was panting heavily, his lip caught between his teeth as he gnawed on it hard enough to draw blood. His grip on the knife was white-knuckle tight, and he could see himself lurching forward to stretch his arm between the bars and plunge the blade down into Negan’s flesh, but the man was still talking.

‘I could tell you that, all of that, but it wouldn’t be true.’

‘What?’  Daryl’s head snapped up, his eyes locking with the hooded gaze that was still watching him carefully, as though he were a coiled snake about to bite.

‘You heard me.  She was my prisoner.  She was never my wife.’

‘But y’asked her?’

‘Yeah, I asked her!  Of course I fucking asked her.  What I wouldn’t give for a taste of that!  But she’s too used to roughing it, apparently.  You’ve spoiled her for the rest of us.  Congratulations!’

The anger that Daryl felt left him so suddenly that he dropped to his knees on the concrete floor, the knife clattering to the ground beside him as he bowed his head, hiding his tears from Negan as the relief overwhelmed him.  He’d wanted to believe Y/N, really he had, but a tiny voice in the back of his head kept telling him that she’d say anything so as not to hurt him.  All Negan had ever wanted was to hurt him, so if he was saying it had been a lie, then it really must have been.  

‘She used to call out for you.’  Negan’s gravelled admission only brought more tears to the archer as he let all of the pain of the last several months expel itself from his system.  ‘At night in her cell, or whenever she had one of those pesky panic attacks.  She’d call your name over and over.  But you never came for her, did you?  She stayed loyal to you, suffered rather than betray you, and you just left her there to rot whilst you fought your pointless fucking war!’

‘Ya took so much time from us.’  Daryl eventually managed to speak, scrubbing his hand roughly over his eyes and clearing his throat when his voice sounded thick with emotion.  ‘Yer men stole so much time.’

‘Just another crime to add to the list of sins I’m paying for in this shithole, huh?’

‘Nah.’  Daryl pushed himself to his feet, though it felt like a monumental effort, sweeping the knife up in his hand as he forced himself upright.  ‘It ain’t enough.  Even this is too good for the likes of you.’

Negan took a step forward so that he was pressed up against the bars, his mouth quirked as he challenged the archer, convinced of his invincibility even whilst imprisoned.  ‘So, what are you gonna do about it?  You gonna kill me, Daryl?  Go ahead, I’d like to see you try.’

He tried to jump out of reach as Daryl lurched forward, but he wasn’t quick enough, and the cool steel bit into his skin, sinking into him just below his ribs and sending him reeling backwards, his hands coming down to press against the wound, trying to stem the blood flow as a guttural shout escaped him.  ‘Son of a bitch!’

The door behind Daryl flew open, and the guard from outside rushed in, with Rick close on his heels.

‘Daryl, what the hell did you do?’

‘He’s a bastard, Rick. He deserves to die.’

‘That isn’t your decision to make!’

‘Well, it sure as hell ain’t just yers!  Ya wanna put it to a vote?  Ain’t that what this is s’posed to be now?  Some big, happy democracy?  Cos there ain’t a damn person here who thinks his lyin’, murderin’ ass shouldn’t be in the ground, I can tell ya that.’

The other guard had unlocked the cell and was now on his knees beside the wounded man, applying pressure to the gash as he looked to Rick for guidance.  ‘We need to get him to the doctor, now!’

‘You gonna save him again, Rick?’ Daryl snarled, but the sheriff was already moving past him to go to Negan’s aid, slipping an arm under his shoulders as he hoisted him upright.

The trio shoved past Daryl, sending him stumbling back against the wall, and it was only when he felt the blood dripping from his fingertips that he realised that he’d let the anger win again, that he’d let Negan win again.  He’d toyed with him as though he’d still had the power, even locked behind bars, and Daryl had let his feelings be manipulated.  He cursed himself as he stood there in the darkness, and he cursed Negan and the Saviors and the war, and every damn thing that was getting in the way of him just being his old self and doing whatever it took to make his girl happy.  That was all he wanted.  It shouldn’t be this hard.


	34. Chapter 34

You woke to the feeling of fingertips trailing along your arm, before a gentle hand brushed the hair out of your face and the couch beneath you dipped as a heavy weight perched on the edge of the seat.  It was such a familiar sensation that you couldn’t fight the small smile that instinctively crept over your face, letting your eyes crack open so that you could peer up Daryl and see the exhaustion that dragged on his features.

‘Morning,’ you whispered as he returned your smile.  ‘You okay?’

He nodded.  ‘Gotta be.  You?’

‘I think so.’

You reached up to run your fingers through his straggly fringe, easing through the knots and pushing it out of his eyes.  ‘You sleep at all, D?’

‘Not really,’ he admitted, and your heart ached as he cast his eyes downwards.  ‘Had a lot t’ think about.’

Silence fell between you, and you felt the tension begin to build, wishing you knew the right words to get it to dissipate and leave you to be happy, but Daryl was clearing his throat, taking a deep breath before launching into an apology that brought tears to your eyes.

‘Look, I’m sorry, Y/N. ‘Bout e’rything.  ‘Bout leavin’ ya there in the Sanctuary while we were fightin’, ‘bout believin’ ya was shacking up with Negan, ‘bout not talkin’ to ya ‘bout none of it, ‘n’ for pushin’ ya away.  I know it was stupid, ‘n’ I know ya prob’ly think it means I don’t trust ya, but that ain’t true, I swear to ya.  I jus’…  I never really understood why yer with me.  I don’t understand what I did to deserve a girl like you, ‘n’ I wake up e’ryday wonderin’ when I’m gonna lose ya, when yer gonna realise ya can do better.  So, when I heard ‘bout you ‘n’ Negan, I jus’ thought… I thought I’d let ya down cos I hadn’t managed to get ya outta there, ‘n’ I thought that maybe ya’d realised that I can’t keep ya safe no more.  I thought maybe, if he was good to ya, ya’d thought that maybe he could give ya a better life, not just fightin’ ‘n’ survivin’ all the time, y’know.’

‘So, you thought I’d rather be with a murderer than with you?’

‘He ain’t the only one that’s a murderer, girl.’

‘Maybe not.  But he’s not you.  I love you.’

‘I love ya too.  ‘N’ I know ya said ya needed time, ‘n’ I’m gonna give it to ya, cos I don’t want this t’ be the end of us, but I jus’ need to know that one day yer gonna be able to forgive me for this.  I need to know that, cos I can’t…  Shit, I can’t lose ya, Y/N.’

‘You haven’t lost me, Daryl. I’m still with you, I promise, and I want us to find a way past all of this more than anything.  I just… I don’t know how to do that yet.’  As you spoke you’d let your hands drop to the back of his neck, lacing into his hair and keeping his gaze locked on yours, so it felt completely natural when he bent down to meet your lips, your mouths fusing together as you felt him pour every ounce of guilt and pain he was feeling into the kiss. It awoke something in you that you hadn’t felt in a long time, and you used your arms on his shoulders to lever yourself into his lap, losing yourself in him as his scruff scratched over your skin, his fingers grazing over your thighs as he lifted you with him, pushing himself up from the couch and striding towards the stairs, filled with a new confidence now that you were wrapping yourself around him and letting him take control.

The ascent was slow as he fought between his need for you and his need to get you somewhere comfortable, and when he finally lowered you onto the bed, you whimpered at the loss of contact, needing to feel his warmth pressed against you, reaching for him and dragging him down on top of you until every inch of you was moulded to him, your bodies shifting and surging as you remembered each other, exploring and reacquainting, revelling in the hushed gasps and hungry groans.  Every sensation brought a rush of nostalgia and yet was completely new, the current versions of yourselves finding their way back to the past and learning how to love each other all over again.  You squeezed your eyes shut and let the world slip away, focusing solely on the strong, calloused hands that roamed over you, the chapped lips that moved greedily against your own, and the taut body that covered yours, the scent of diesel and cigarettes rich and intoxicating.

The first time you’d done this, back in the prison, it was like Daryl had known your body better than you did, and it was still true as he brought you to the edge time and time again, watching in awe as you came undone, trembling beneath him, but still clutching him to you, pulling him closer, as though you could merge with him and become one.  Your fingers laced together as you both tumbled into ecstasy, and your tangled limbs humming with pleasure as you lay in silence, holding on to the moment for as long as possible, knowing that as soon as you broke contact, as soon as he moved away, the real world would start creeping back in again.

As the sweat that coated your skin began to cool, the archer finally forced himself to part from you, rolling to one side but drawing you with him so you could nuzzle into his chest, the rhythmic thrumming of his heartbeat allowing you to hold on to the peace that you’d just found.  

‘I think I needed that,’ you admitted, pressing soft kisses into his chest hair, and sniffling when it tickled your nose.  ‘I needed you.  I missed you.’

‘I missed ya too.’

‘This doesn’t solve everything.’

‘I know.’

‘I think it helped though.’

You felt him nod into your hair, heard him inhaling deeply, and then the muscles beneath your head tightened and you felt that heartbreaking tension descend once again.  

‘Don’t, D.’

‘What?’

‘Whatever you’re about to tell me, don’t.  Just give me a little bit longer to be here with you, okay?’

He nodded again, and you reached up to kiss him once more, pressing your lips to his a little too hard for a little too long, desperately trying to prolong your happiness, but the moment was gone, and you pushed yourself up, clutching the sheets to your chest as you shuffled backwards to lean against the headboard and look down at him.

‘Okay, what is it?’

‘There’s somethin’ I need to tell ya ‘bout last night.’

You sighed, but tilted your head to one side, signalling him to go on.

‘I went to see Negan.’

‘You what?’

‘I jus’ needed t’ hear it from his mouth, Y/N, why he did it all, if he knew what his men had done.’

‘And did you?’

‘Pretty much.  The guy’s an ass.’

‘Well, yeah, we knew that, didn’t we?’  You nudged him with your foot, trying to raise a smile, but he remained serious.

‘He made me so mad, Y/N, ‘n’ I just… I lost it.’

‘You lost it?  Daryl, what did you do?’

‘I didn’t kill him.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I stabbed him through the bars.  Thought he might bleed out, but Rick came runnin’ ‘n’ got him to the doc.  His own personal savior.’  Daryl scoffed, but you were instantly seething, furious that he could have been so stupid, that he could have taken such a foolish risk.

‘You idiot.’

‘I thought ya wanted him dead.’

‘I do, Daryl, but that’s never gonna happen now!  Don’t you see?  Rick’s never gonna let either one of us near him again!  We had one shot to end that bastard and you wasted it cos you couldn’t keep your damn temper!’

‘If ya’d of heard the stuff he was sayin’-‘

‘I still would’ve bided my time and waited until I could be sure to get the job done properly.’

You scrambled off the bed, retrieving your clothes and dragging them over your body, twisting and tangling them in your hurry to get away, a horrible realisation hitting you as you turned back to look at him in horror.

‘So, was that what this was? Guilt or adrenaline or-‘

‘No, don’t think that. I jus’ wanted ya is all.  I love ya, Y/N.’

‘And I love you, Daryl, I do.  But you need to get a grip cos your temper is ruining everything!’

‘Y/N-‘

‘No, D.  The war is over!  It’s not okay to just kill people because you get mad anymore, or to lose control and lash out without thinking it through!  You know what the result of that is?  Eddie, the man who saved my life, is dead, and Negan, the monster who ruined both of us, we won’t ever be able to touch again!  That means we have to live with him right down the street, do you realise that?  Forever, Daryl.  He’ll be there, every single day for the rest of our lives, and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it!’

‘I didn’t mean to-‘

‘Did you do it because you still think I slept with him?’

‘Dammit, Y/N, no!  Of course I didn’t!  I did it for you!’

‘How in the hell was that for me?  This is all about you, Daryl, and your inability to control yourself!’

‘I just wanted t’ make him pay-’

‘And now he will, by being locked up in Rick’s damn cell for the rest of his life.  I didn’t want him to pay, I wanted him to hurt.  I wanted to watch his life drain away and see the light go out in his eyes and know that he wouldn’t be able to touch another person I love ever again, and now I don’t get to do that because of you.  Do you get that?’

‘I didn’t-’

‘I can’t do this now, okay?’  Your heart was racing in your chest as you tried to process the argument that had sullied what you thought might be the first step towards things getting better.  You hadn’t meant to get so mad, perhaps you and Daryl were more alike than you thought in that respect, but it was just another case of the archer losing himself to the rage and getting it completely wrong.  ‘I’m sorry.  I need some air.’

Fully clothed, you spun on your heel and left the room, breathing hard as you pounded down the stairs and out into the street, moving as though in a trance, barely aware of anyone around you.  You were so angry you couldn’t think straight.  Negan was your target, it was supposed to be you who killed him, for revenge, and for Daryl, and yourself, and every single person that had died because of his twisted lust for power, and now Rick would be sure to have an army of guards on him round the clock.  There’d be no way to get to him now, you just knew it, and the thought made you feel physically sick.  Every day you’d have to get up and go about your life, knowing he was right there. Okay, maybe he wasn’t living comfortably, but he was alive and he was safe and that was more than could be said for Glenn or Abe or Sasha or, God, Carl.  

He deserved to die.  He needed to die.  Daryl had taken away one of the only things you had left to motivate you, and you weren’t sure what to do with yourself now, or even where you belonged anymore.  You had no desire to stay here with these people that had judged you so harshly for a decision they didn’t have any proof that you’d made, and your frustration with the archer was driving you to want to run away and not look back.  You loved him so much it was ripping you to pieces to see him make bad decision after bad decision, his shoot first attitude reminding you too much of others you’d known that had fallen by the wayside, cut down by a world that required you to keep your wits about you, to think on your feet.  If he was going the same way, you only knew that you couldn’t bear to watch.

Hearing footsteps approaching from behind, you whirled round to see the archer coming after you, a determined set to his face as he strode along the street, drawing questioning looks from your neighbours as he reached out to you, but he never got close enough to link his fingers through yours.

‘Daryl.’  Rick’s voice came from behind you, and then he was pushing past you, closing the distance between himself and the man whose eyes still desperately sought yours.  ‘We need to talk.’

‘In a minute.’

‘No, now.  I’m not asking.’  The sheriff’s voice was resolute as he stood his ground, facing off with his friend until all of the fight left Daryl and his shoulders slumped.  

‘Fine.’

‘Come with me.  Y/N, you coming?’  He turned back to you, but you were already backing away, shaking your head.

‘I can’t.  I’m sorry, I just can’t.’


	35. Chapter 35

The church was quiet and cool, a haven from the world outside, and you sat there for a long time, the backs of your thighs going numb from the pressure against the hard wooden pew.  Your mind was whirling, your emotions free-falling as you tried to process the day’s events.  You weren’t sure that you’d been right to lose your temper with Daryl.  You knew you’d probably overreacted, but you felt that your opportunity for revenge had been snatched away from you, and it had been like a knife to the heart, stealing your breath away and causing your chest to tighten.  Negan would live.  It was pretty much a fact now, and one that you were struggling to come to terms with.  Should you have just accepted the fact, nodded calmly and curled back into the archer’s embrace, enjoying the intimacy that you’d just rediscovered and letting everything else cease to matter?  Maybe, but it was too late now.

The door to the building creaked open, and footsteps echoed around you as somebody made their way down the aisle, sliding in to the pew behind yours and resting a warm hand on your shoulder.  

‘Never had you down as one for praying,’ Rick’s southern drawl was instantly recognisable, but you didn’t look round, simply shrugging as the statement.  ‘He answered any of your questions yet?’

‘I’m not looking for answers.  I’m just looking for peace.’

‘I think Daryl’s doing the same thing in his own way.’

You scoffed, shaking your head.  ‘By stabbing Negan?  Yeah, that’s real peaceful.’

‘I would’ve thought it’s what you wanted.’

‘I wanted him dead,’ you admitted.  ‘But not like that.  Not some rage-driven, spur of the moment attack.  I wanted him to know he was going to die, and I wanted him to fear it, just like we all did.  It should have been slow and painful and it should have actually worked.’

‘Wanted?  You don’t anymore?’

‘Oh, I do,’ you insisted.  ‘But I know it won’t happen now cos you won’t let it.  You’ll increase the guard, and neither Daryl nor I will ever get within 10 feet of him again.  Am I right?’

‘Pretty much, yeah.  I’ve spoken with Daryl and I think he understands that now.  He has to live, Y/N.  It’s what Carl wanted.’

‘Carl was a kid, Rick,’ you snapped, turning in your seat to glare at him.  ‘He was a smart kid, sure, but he was a child.  What the hell did he know about war and vengeance and torture?  You shouldn’t be basing your decisions on some childish notion that the world can be a good place.  It can’t, not anymore.’

‘You’re really that cynical?’

‘Yeah, you know who made me that way?  Negan!  He did this to me, Rick.  He broke me, and he pretty much broke Daryl too.  Nothing’s the same as it was before, and I don’t think it ever will be.’

‘It won’t,’ Rick agreed.  ‘But it can be better.  Carl believed that and he showed me the way.’

You shook your head but kept quiet, not wanting to insult his son’s memory any more than you already had, but unable to agree with anything that he was saying.  You’d tried to believe in a better world, but it kept knocking you on your ass.  It had taken so many people that you loved, it had stolen your freedom, and when you finally thought you’d found somewhere safe, you’d been targeted for your innocence.  At the rate things were going, it wouldn’t be long before it took Daryl from you too, and then you’d have nothing left.

‘How are things with you and Daryl?’  As if sensing your train of thought, Rick asked you the question that you’d been dreading and you cast your eyes to the floor, scuffing your boot against the wooden boards.

‘You know how things are.’

‘I’ve heard it from him, but I’d like to hear your side of it.’

‘Shit, Rick!  Things with Daryl are shit!  I literally don’t think they could get worse right now.’

‘Y/N-’

‘I love him.  I do, still, after everything.  But I’m just not sure that’s enough anymore.’

‘It is enough if you want it to be,’ the sheriff insisted.  ‘In this world, it’s everything.’

‘I’m not so sure.  When I fell in love with Daryl, it was because he was smart and brave and resourceful, but now he’s the kinda guy who shoots first and thinks later.  Violence is his answer to everything and I can’t…  I can’t get on board with that, Rick!  It means good people get hurt, and bad people… Well, they survive because he makes rash, reckless decisions without thinking things through.  I’m just so mad at him!’

‘He’s trying.  He is.  We all came out of that war carrying a burden.  We’ve all been changed.’

‘Maybe.  But it’s not just that.  He actually believed I cheated on him, Rick.  With Negan!  You all believed that!  Do you know how hard it is just being here knowing that you all thought that I was capable of that?’

He fell silent, and you knew your words had hit home.  ‘It hurts, it does.  And not one of you tried to talk to me about it, and that sucks.  But it sucks even more that Daryl was sitting on it all this time and didn’t say a word.  I’m trying too, but it’s not easy finding a way back from that.  I’m not even sure it’s possible.’

‘He’s a good man.’

‘Yeah, he is.  I’ve never doubted that.’

‘Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but if you think there’s a chance that you can get past this, then you need to try, Y/N.  Because what you two have is rare, especially now, and you can’t throw it away just cos you’re too scared to try.  The people you were, they’re still in there, in both of you, but you need to work together to find them.  I know you’re both going through things, but the answers that you’re apparently not looking for?  You’re not gonna find them alone.’

You sighed, and let your head fall into your hands, squeezing your eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.  Rick made it sound so easy, like everything could just be forgiven and you could get back to normal, but it was more complicated than that.  Hadn’t today just proven that even when you tried to sweep everything under the rug and forget, something else would rear its head and you’d end up right back where you started?

‘For what it’s worth,’ he continued.  ‘I am sorry for doubting you.  We lost Eugene to the other side, or we thought we did, and I just…  I thought the worst.  I should have known you better, and I really am sorry.’

You nodded.  ‘It’s okay.’

‘It’s not though, is it?’

‘I don’t think it ever will be, but you guys are all I’ve got, and I can’t be mad forever, right?’

‘Right.’

You felt his hand squeeze your shoulder once more, his fingers rough with callouses, before he eased himself to his feet and left you, the silence rolling over you, suffocating where before it had been soothing.  

His words weighed heavy on your heart, and you wished you could share his optimistic view of the world, of the future, of you and Daryl, but you just couldn’t find it.  All you could see was more fighting and pain, and you needed to spare yourself that, to spare Daryl that.  It would be easier if you just walked away now.  Sure, it would hurt like hell, but you’d both heal, in time, and then there’d be no more arguing, no more screaming and shouting and wishing for things to be different.  You could both live your lives the way that you each wanted, without having to feel guilty for it or be responsible for another person’s happiness.  That would be better for everyone, wouldn’t it?  

You dragged your feet the whole way home, relieved when the archer wasn’t there.  You’d made your decision, but you weren’t ready to discuss it with him yet.  Some space would do you both good, you were sure of it.  It wasn’t an end, just a break.  For now.


	36. Chapter 36

When the front door swung open in the early hours of the morning, you were curled up on the couch, lost in your own thoughts, running through a million different scenarios in your head and trying to argue against your own decision, but still unable to see another way out.  When you glanced up and saw the archer watching you warily, pushing the door shut behind him before stepping into the living room, your resolve strengthened again.  You couldn’t bear that uncertainty in his eyes.  You only seemed to cause him pain, and your heart wasn’t getting off lightly either.  When he didn’t speak, you sighed and motioned for him to take a seat beside you, waiting until he’d laid his crossbow down on the coffee table and settled himself on the cushion before scraping around for conversation.

‘So, how is he?  Have you heard?’

‘Who?  Negan?’  When you nodded, Daryl scoffed and shook his head.  ‘Alive, s’all I know.’

You gave him a tight smile. ‘ Well, more’s the pity, right?  What did Rick have to say about it?’

‘Not much.  Just warned me off, told me I ain’t gettin’ near him again.  S’not what Carl woulda wanted or some shit like that.’

‘Yeah, that’s pretty much what he said to me too.’

‘He talked to ya?’  

‘He did.  Wanted to know what’s been going on with you and me.’

The tension between you grew heavier as the archer grunted, picking at his thumbnail and shooting you a worried look.  ‘What did ya tell him?’

You took a deep breath, knowing that this was going to hurt more than you could ever prepare yourself for.  ‘I told him that I love you, just as much as I ever did, but that I’m not sure if it’s enough anymore.’

Daryl nodded slowly, his mouth set in a thin tight line as he gnawed on his bottom lip.  ‘I dunno what ya want me to say to that.’

‘I think that’s part of the problem,’ you admitted.  ‘I feel like we don’t know how to talk to each other anymore without it ending up in a fight.’

‘’N’ yer still mad ‘bout the whole Negan thing?’

‘Which particular bit?’ you asked, then realised that it didn’t matter.  ‘Yeah, I am mad, about all of it, and about Eddie.  I feel like it’s all just too hard right now, y’know?  It’s never been hard with us before.’

‘So, what are ya sayin’? S’over?’

‘No, D,’ you hurried to reassure him, though you knew that you were making him a promise that you might not be able to keep. ‘It’s not over.  I don’t think it’ll ever be over with us, will it?  I don’t know how to not love you.  It’s like learning how to not need to breathe or something.’

‘But?’

‘But we can’t go on like this.  All we’re doing is hurting each other, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.  I don’t wanna be hurt.’

The moonlight shining in through the window highlighted his face, his piercing eyes glowing icy blue, his jaw locked and tense as he waited for you to continue.  Even when he was angry he was beautiful, and you longed to reach out and run your fingertips over his cheekbone, to kiss away the frown that dragged on his lips, but you knew if you touched him you’d melt and that wouldn’t achieve anything.

‘I think I’m gonna go to the Hilltop.’

‘Again?’

‘Yeah, but I think I’m gonna stay a bit longer this time, give us both some space.  I think we need it.’

‘How long?’  

When his gaze locked with yours, you knew he expected the answer, but you still had to force it up your throat, the bitterness of it on your tongue like bile. ‘Permanently.  At least for now.  I’m gonna move there, stay with Mags.  She’s getting kinda big and I think she could use some help.’

His eyes fell away from yours, picking an orb of light on the floor and glaring at it as though it alone was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between you.  ‘’N’ what’s that mean for us exactly?’

‘I don’t-‘

‘I mean, ya say y’ain’t leavin’ me, but y’are, aren’t ya?  Yer gon’ be miles away.  How are we s’posed to fix things if y’ain’t even here?’

‘I don’t know, Daryl!’  Your frustration boiled over, and your words came out louder than you’d intended, making him flinch away from you as though you’d slapped him.  ‘I don’t have all the answers here!  I just know that I can’t keep doing this, and if we carry on this way we’re both gonna self-destruct.  I just need some time and space away from everything to figure out how to deal with this, because losing you is more than I can stand, but at the moment, so is staying here.’

He didn’t react, his face a frozen mask, composed but sullen, his eyes flashing, and you knew he was fighting his anger, the nemesis that was ripping everything away from him.  Needing to make a connection, to try and help him somehow, your hand crept across the couch instinctively to cover his, your fingers interlocking easily, as though they belonged that way.  For a moment all you could do was stare down at them, your pale skin eerily white where it met his dirt-stained tan.

‘Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we’d never run into the Saviors in the wood, if we hadn’t gotten caught up in Dwight’s trap?  Do you ever think about what that would mean for us?  D’you think we’d still be happy?’

‘I dunno,’ he confessed, his voice a low rasp.  ‘Seems like our problems started long ‘fore Negan came along.’

‘Yeah, but at least before I felt like…  Like we were still better together, and all the problems were just like… speedbumps or something.  Now they feel like mountains.’

‘Ya can still climb a mountain though.  Ain’t impossible.’

‘No, but it’s exhausting.’

 

* * *

 

_‘What are you doing?’_

_You’d come across Daryl as you made your way to work, hunched over his bike, giving it an expert once-over, his skilled hands running along the frame and checking everything was in working order.  His crossbow was hitched up at the back of the seat, a sure sign that he was heading out, and he had a determined look on his face._

_‘I’m headin’ out,’ he confirmed.  ‘Gon’ find Dwight.  Reckon I can still track him if I go now.’_

_‘D, I don’t think that’s a-‘_

_‘I don’t care whatcha think.  That son of a bitch has taken too much from us.  I shoulda killed him when I had the chance, but I ain’t about t’ let him hurt anyone else.’_

_A knot formed in your stomach, but you tried not to take his words to heart.  You knew that Denise’s death had hit him hard – hell, it was all you could see every time you closed your eyes, and it was the archer that had caught her in his arms as she dropped – but you couldn’t help but feel that his actions were reckless and impulsive._

_‘Please, Daryl, don’t do this,’ you pleaded with him as he wiped his hands on the oily rag he always carried in his back pocket, before tucking it away and swinging his leg over the bike.  ‘We’ll get him, we will, but we’ll do it together.  You have no idea what you might be walking into if you go now!’_

_‘It don’t matter.  I gotta do this, Y/N.  The doc, what he did to her, s’my fault, don’t ya get that?’_

_‘No, it wasn’t!’_

_‘Like hell!  I let him live even when I knew what he was capable of, ‘n’ now he’s gonna pay.’_

_You stepped forward, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding him tightly, wishing you could take his anguish away and calm him but, although he buried his face into your shoulder for a moment, he was pulling away too soon, shoving you backwards so hard that you almost fell, and revving the engine before you could recover, tearing off down the street in a cloud of dust.  Regaining your balance, you took off after him, knowing that he’d have to stop at the gate.  Rosita was on duty and there was no way she’d let him through once she saw the rage that was flashing in his eyes._

_‘Daryl!’ you screamed as you saw him sliding the gate back himself as Rosita looked on.  ‘Daryl, please!’_

_You felt an overwhelming sense of panic that you couldn’t explain.  Every time you’d left the safe zone recently, you’d had some sort of run-in with the Saviors and each time you’d only narrowly escaped with your lives, and now the archer was riding off out there alone, seeking them out, his instincts dulled by guilt and grief._

_‘Y/N, what’s going on?  Where’s he going?’  Michonne was at your side, her hand firm on your arm as she pulled your attention away from the receding figure, her face full of concern._

_‘He’s going to find Dwight.’  The words choked you as you forced them out, turning to look at her with desperation painted across your features.  ‘He thinks he can track him.’_

_‘We’ve gotta stop him.’ Glenn was behind you, already tossing a couple of rifles into the back of one of the group’s vans and climbing into the driver’s seat._

_‘I’m coming with you.’  You couldn’t not know what was happening.  It was already killing you and he’d only just left, and so you swung yourself up into the back as Michonne settled herself in the passenger side.  You had to move fast if you were going to stay on the bike’s trail._

_As Glenn made to pull the vehicle through the gate, you lurched to a sudden halt as Abraham stepped in front of you, his hands slamming down on the hood and making you flinch._

_‘Make room for my freckled ass!’_

_‘No,’ Rosita interjected, moving past him and striding towards the back of the van.  ‘Cover my watch.  You stay.’_

_Glenn was looking between the two warily, but his voice was certain as he echoed Rick’s instructions from the previous day.  ‘Hey, we should keep numbers here.’_

_‘I know where Daryl’s going,’ Rosita snarled, and you could have interrupted and told her that you knew too, but that would just take more time, and every second you sat there, he was getting further and further ahead._

_Of course, you’d ended up back at the railroad, on the tracks where Denise had died.  There was a solitary walker feasting on the dead Saviors’ corpses, but otherwise the scene was still.  You’d spotted the telltale pile of branches that Daryl used to drag across his bike to hide it and knew straight away that you’d been right.  He’d started here._

_‘We should let him do this.’  Rosita’s words echoed round your head, and you glared at her in disbelief, intentionally avoiding looking at the wet patch of blood where Denise’s body had laid._

_‘But he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  We don’t!’ Glenn argued, and you stepped up behind him, determined to back him on this.  ‘Maybe him trying this makes you feel better about it right now.  Maybe they keep knowing more about us than we know about them.  Or maybe Daryl’s gonna get himself killed.  Which way did Dwight run?’_

_‘This way,’ you spoke up, resting your hand on Glenn’s arm and effectively cutting Rosita out of the conversation.  ‘He went this way.’_

_You turned and started into the forest, the crunch of the undergrowth behind you reassuring you that the others were on your heels._

_Once you’d crossed through the border of trees, you’d found yourself on the edge of an open plain of grass. You kept to the shadows, wary of walkers and Saviors, tracking around the field until you heard movement up ahead. As you picked up your pace, you saw Daryl studying the flattened tracks in the grass intently, about to call out to him when he sensed your presence and sent an arrow flying in your direction, the point burying itself in the trunk inches from your head.  You couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, as you stared at him in shock, your eyes full of fear as his gaze locked with yours, though his expression was cool and unaffected._

_‘Watch the hell out, asshole!’ Rosita snapped, moving past you and wrenching the weapon from the bark, passing it back to him as he glared at her._

_‘I did.  Ya shouldn’a come.’_

_‘You shouldn’t have left,’ Michonne joined in, berating him for his actions whilst you still stood frozen._

_Daryl wheeled round, facing off against the three of them, careful not to glance your way and you knew that he’d scared himself, even if he wasn’t showing it.  That had been close, too close._

_‘When we split off from Sasha ‘n’ Abraham, he was out there in the woods, in that burned-out forest with them girls, put a gun to my head, ‘n’ Y/N’s, tied us up!  I even tried t’ help him.’  He turned away from you again, resuming his pacing into the trees, only to be halted when Glenn called after him._

_‘So, you think it’s your fault?’_

_‘Yeah, I know it is.  I’m gon’ do what I should’ve done before.’_

_‘What, for her?’  Glenn was still trying to be the voice of reason, but you could tell that the archer was far beyond being reasoned with now.  ‘She’s gone, man.  But Y/N, she’s right here and you’re scaring the hell out of her.  Is that what you want?  You’re doing this for you so you can stop if you want to.’_

_‘Man, I don’t give a shit.’_

_‘Daryl, please.’  You were ashamed that your only contribution came out as a whimper, but you saw him squeeze his eyes tight shut as though it physically hurt him to hear you so frightened.  ‘I can’t lose you, D.  Stay with me.  Come home with us.’_

_‘Daryl.’  Glenn tried one last time as Michonne stepped forward to wrap an arm around your shoulders.  ‘We need to get back there and figure this out from home.  Our home.  We need you, and everyone back there needs us right now.  It’s gonna go wrong out here.’_

_Michonne released her grip on you, tentatively approaching the archer who was looking between you, wild-eyed and cautious, as though internally debating his next move.  ‘We’ll square it.  I will.  I promise you.  Just come back.’_

_You saw him waver, his eyes meeting yours for just a second before his gaze dropped to the ground, and you already knew his next words before he spoke them._

_‘I can’t.’_

 

* * *

 

He’d gone then, marching away, full of purpose and fiery indignation, and Rosita had followed.  You’d stood torn for a moment, before turning to Michonne and Glenn, with an apology on your lips.

‘I’m sorry, guys.  I can’t leave him.’

And you’d spun on your heel and chased after him, his shadow as he moved through the trees, not speaking a word.

Now, you could see that so much had hinged on that decision.  It felt like a turning point, and if you’d managed to drag him back home, maybe everything would be different now.  

‘When ya goin’?’ Daryl’s almost-whisper interrupted your contemplation, and you turned to look at him, hating the expression of betrayal that was carved into his features.  

‘First light.’

‘Right.’  He levered himself off of the couch, retrieving his bow and slinging it over his shoulder, before turning towards the door.  ‘Guess I’ll see ya then.’

‘Yeah,’ you murmured, barely able to breathe as you watched him move away, the distance between you so much greater than the few metres of the room that physically separated you.  ‘I’ll see you, D.  I’m sorry.’

The front door clicked closed behind him, and you fell to pieces.  


	37. Chapter 37

As the door clicked shut behind Daryl, he heard the anguished cries that ripped from Y/N’s body, fighting against every instinct he had that was telling him to go back inside and comfort her.  He wanted so badly to hold her, to kiss her and bury himself in her, letting the rest of the world slip away as it had the previous morning, but that wasn’t what she wanted.  She wanted time and space, whatever the hell that meant.  All it really sounded like to him was that she wanted to be somewhere he wasn’t, and that hurt more than he could ever have imagined.  They’d been through a lot together, him and his girl, and he’d started to hope that maybe she was his always, but now…  Now he didn’t even know if she was his tomorrow.  She was leaving him, no matter what she said or how she tried to twist it into something else, she was walking out and leaving him on his own, and it took every ounce of strength he had to hold it together.  

He’d wanted to tell her she was wrong, that she should stay, that leaving was only gonna ruin any chance that they had of sorting things out, but all she kept telling him was that she was tired of fighting.  Arguing with her about her decision would only reinforce her confidence that she was doing the right thing, so he’d just accepted it.  But he couldn’t watch her go.  It would hurt too much.  So, he left the house, left her to sit and sob, heading for his bike, determined to get as far away as possible.  He didn’t much care that it was still dark out.  It was a full moon and that would light his way enough that he’d be able to follow the road to wherever it would take him.  Didn’t matter where he ended up as long as it wasn’t here, staring after her as she went off to start a better life.  He’d only come back here for her, and now he felt like she was throwing that back in his face.  Everything he did was wrong, every decision he made, every time he reacted, he just let her down.  He shouldn’t be surprised that she’d had enough, but he was.  He’d been fighting for them, in his own way, and she’d given up. Everything she’d said had been a lie. She was leaving him.  It was over.  The last good thing he had was lost.

Reaching his motorcycle, he strapped his crossbow onto the back, checking that his knife and handgun were still securely in place against his hips, before slinging his leg over the machine and settling himself, resting his arms against the cool metal of the handlebars and letting his head fall forward just for a moment, swallowing down the wave of emotion that threatened to drag him under.  He didn’t do this.  He didn’t feel things this strongly, never had before in his life, not before her. She’d gotten under his skin, made him feel normal, like maybe he could function like a proper human being instead of one that was damaged and broken, but now broken was all he was.  All he had left to give her were the sharp, fragmented pieces of himself and she didn’t want them.  He couldn’t say he blamed her.  She deserved so much more.

The engine shuddered to life beneath him, and he felt relief surge through his veins.  This was what he was built for.  The bike lurched forwards and he tucked his legs up, relishing the vibrations of the machine as he cruised down the road towards the gates, nodding for the guard to open them up as he slowed, then tearing out of the community in a cloud of dust, kicking up stones as he accelerated away.  If she didn’t want to fight anymore, he wasn’t going to fight her.  He wasn’t going to beg.  But he sure as hell wasn’t going to stand and watch her leave.

The cool rush of air blasted his face, fighting his increasing exhaustion as he rode, his path glowing faintly in the moonlight, occasionally blinded when trees cast the track into shadow.  Before dawn, a light mist of rain began to fall, coating his skin in a sheen of moisture and mingling with the tears that tracked down his cheeks. He didn’t know where he was or where he was going.  He was lost in memories.

 

* * *

_‘Y’know, y’ain’t gotta talk to ‘er like that,’ Dary snapped, shaking his head at Merle as his older brother smirked.  ‘She ain’t like the girls back home.’_

_‘We’re offering her protection, lil brother.  She’s indebted to us, so I think I can talk to her however the hell I want.  She should count herself damn lucky that’s it’s just talk, if ya ask me.  I could definitely find some uses for that pretty mouth of hers if she’s looking for another way to earn her keep.’_

_‘We ain’t protectin’ her, Merle.  She’s one of us now.  We look out for each other.’_

_‘Oh, I see what’s goin’ on here.’  Merle stopped in his tracks, rounding on the archer and getting in his face, pushing for a reaction, annoyed that he’d been pulled up on his behaviour.  ‘Ya lookin’ to tap that yourself, is that it?  Wanting a taste of whatever sweet honey she’s got to give?  Just say the word and I’ll back right off.’_

_‘Stop.  It ain’t like that.’ Daryl felt the tips of his ears heat up under Merle’s suggestive stare, and dropped his gaze to the ground, kicking through the leaf litter, his bottom lip caught between his teeth.  ‘She just don’t need ya droolin’ over her all the damn day, tha’s all. S’enough effort jus’ tryin’ t’ survive in these woods without ya makin’ things harder.’_

_‘Speakin’ of making things harder…’_

_Daryl turned to see Y/N picking her way towards them.  She’d branched off from them, tired of Merle’s leering, but had moved closer again as the light began to fade._

_‘You find anything?’ she asked the archer, and he shook his head._

_‘Nah, m’sorry.  Looks like we’re gonna have t’ sleep on empty stomachs tonight.’_

_She nodded, her face twisting into a frown, though she didn’t utter a single word of complaint, which Daryl respected her for.  ‘Right.  Guess we should find somewhere to bunk down for the night then.’_

_‘There was a clearing back that way,’ Merle contributed, gesturing back over his shoulder.  ‘You guys go ahead.  I’mma take a leak, then I’ll be right with you.  Unless ya wanna lend a hand, sweetheart?’_

_Y/N physically shuddered, and Daryl’s heart went out to her.  He often wondered if he’d done the right thing in insisting that she joined him and Merle.  He’d wanted to protect her, to look out for her, but all he’d really done was make her the sole target of Merle’s restless attentions, and he sometimes found himself studying her, trying to see any signs of regret in her face, but she always seemed content._

_‘C’mon.’  He motioned for her to follow him, heading back towards the small space in the trees where they’d have to set up camp.  ‘Light’s fadin’ fast.’_

_Merle let out a loud guffaw as he strode away from them, silence rolling in as they walked side by side._

_‘Thank you,’ Y/N murmured eventually, glancing over at him out of the corner of her eye, smiling at the look of confusion on his face. ‘For what you were saying to Merle. I heard you as I was heading back your way, but I didn’t wanna interrupt.  I appreciate it, you looking out for me.’_

_‘Yeah, well, he’s an ass.  He don’t really mean none of it though.’_

_‘I know,’ she nodded.  ‘But thank you anyway.  You make me feel safe, Daryl.’_

_He couldn’t help but grin at that, though he cautioned himself to not read too much into it.  She wasn’t his friend, and she probably wouldn’t wanna be. They were more like allies.  But that night as they settled down to sleep, Merle taking first watch, he stretched out just a little closer to her than normal, near enough to touch her if he stretched out his arm and extended his fingers, but he didn’t.  He just watched over her, on his own personal guard duty, ensuring she was safe as she slept._

 

* * *

 

The first watery rays of sun kissed the tops of the trees that lined the road, and Daryl felt the knot in his stomach tighten.  She’d be leaving now, packing her bag and slipping out of the gates.  Would she tell anyone else she was going, he wondered, or would he have to break that news once he got back?  He knew Maggie would be happy to have her.  He often thought about the widow, expecting a baby that would never know its father, having to raise the kid alone, and he knew that Y/N would be a real help, but his heart twinged with jealousy.  He needed her, perhaps even more than Maggie did.  Was that selfish?  She gave him confidence, made him feel worthy.  It was her smile that had coaxed him into stepping up and becoming Rick’s second in command.  How was he supposed to be of use to anyone without her behind him, supporting him?  When he’d believed she was dead, he’d spent many long nights trying to figure out how he’d existed before her.  He had.  He’d gotten by just fine, but he just couldn’t remember what it was that had motivated him to get up in the morning.  She’d become his everything so quickly.  Hell, he’d turned on his own brother for her.  She wasn’t even family, but she was a vital part of him.

 

* * *

_Y/N had been up late, talking quietly with Maggie on the porch, and Daryl had had to retreat to the tent without her, knowing that he only had a few hours before he was needed to take a shift on watch duty, but he couldn’t sleep.  When had he become so dependent on having her by his side, a warm body to curl up against, a shield between him and the things that wanted to hurt him in his dreams?  He wasn’t sure.  Sometime after they lost Merle, definitely, but maybe even before.  He found he calmed more quickly when he woke from a nightmare and sensed her close by, inches away on the forest floor.  Her presence was good for him, and he actually missed her, despite the fact that she was only a quarter mile away.  Shit, if his brother could see him now he’d laugh.  Daryl had never been one to lose himself to his feelings, but he felt like half the time he was clinging to this girl like she was his life raft.  It was dangerous, he knew, but it was too late to stop it now._

_The sound of the zipper on the tent being pulled down was followed by rustling as she crept inside, trying to keep the noise down and not wake him.  He watched through narrowed eyes as she shrugged out of the shirt she had draped over the thin tank top she wore, his shirt, and his stomach tightened with something primal.  She spent every day surrounded by his scent and it spoke to him in a way that small smiles and tight embraces didn’t.  Those signs of affection could be faked, but stealing his clothes was a conscious choice to feel close to him.  She needed him too._

_As she stretched out beside him, turning away to face the wall of the tent, he snaked his arm out to wrap around her waist and draw her closer, until her back was pressed against his chest, feeling her body vibrate as she giggled quietly._

_‘I thought you’d be sleeping.’_

_‘Nah.  Can’t sleep without ya no more.’_

_He nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, wrinkling his nose as her long hair tickled his skin, inhaling deeply and feeling the calm wash over him.  She fidgeted against the scratch of his scruff, and he smiled, pressing a soft kiss to the sensitive skin and feeling her sink further into his arms.  He thought he could lay like that forever and be perfectly content.  She didn’t judge him for the redneck twang in his voice, or the dirt that permanently stained his skin.  She never rolled her eyes at his suggestions or ideas, or interrupted him to put him down. She was the first person he’d ever had who treated him with that kind of respect, and she was just his in a way that no one else had ever been.  His best friend, his family._

_He felt his eyes growing heavy as her hand came to rest over his, dragging it up so she could run her lips over his knuckles, something he’d noticed that she did to comfort herself when she thought he’d drifted off.  He ran his thumb over her cheek and felt it dimple in response as she smiled, finally letting himself slip into unconsciousness as he cradled her warm body to him and heard her let out a happy sigh._

 

* * *

 

The road was slick with rain, and Daryl’s concentration had drifted, so when the bike skidded off onto the verge, he did little to fight it, letting it fall, his arm scraping against the tarmac and dirt before he came to a stop on the grass, the machine resting heavily on top of him.  His body ached, and he knew he needed to get himself up and keep moving, but he just couldn’t find the motivation.  Perhaps if he just lay there for a while, let his eyes drift closed, he’d find the answers he was looking for.  Maybe he’d think of something he could do to keep her with him, to show her he was still the same man he’d always been, the man who loved her more than anything.  He could get her back.  He could.  He needed to believe that.

 

* * *

_Daryl rolled off of Y/N, smirking when she whimpered at the loss of contact, though he couldn’t go far, the prison bunk too narrow for any space to appear between them.  She curled against his chest, her tongue darting out to lick at the sweat that coated his skin, her eyes never leaving his as she pressed soft kisses up his neck before capturing his mouth with hers, breathing him in and sighing contentedly before relaxing back against the pillow, a satisfied smile on her face._

_‘Say it again,’ she urged him, and he knew he was blushing as he ducked his head, letting his fringe fall across his face._

_‘I love ya.’_

_‘Again.’_

_‘I love ya, Y/N.  I ain’t never loved anyone like this.’_

_She let out a quiet squeal and fisted her hair in her hand, catching her bottom lip between her teeth as her gaze wandered hungrily over his face.  ‘I love you too.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.’_

_‘Not even before?’_

_‘No.’  She shook her head.  ‘I mean, I had boyfriends and stuff, but not like this.  It was never like this.’_

_‘’N’ yer sure this is what ya want?’_

_‘How can you even ask me that, Daryl?  You can’t do what you just did to me and then ask me if I’m sure I want this!  I told you outside, I’m yours.  Nothing’s gonna change that.’_

_Her hands were clutching at his waist, drawing him closer again and he felt himself stirring, reacting to her touch and the naked want in her eyes.  ‘Shit, we ain’t never leavin’ this cell again, are we?’_

_‘Not if I have any say in it, no,’ she laughed, and he weaved his fingers into her hair so he could pull her lips back to his, unable to get enough, needing more of her, struggling to imagine ever feeling completely sated.  He’d never wanted anyone like this before, and as he moved his hands down to graze over her hips, the involuntary moan that she released reassured him that she was right there with him._

_‘Ya ready for me?’_

_‘Always.’_

_‘Say please,’ he teased, dropping his head to suck on the sensitive skin above her collarbone, marking her as his, revelling in the way she squirmed beneath him._

_‘D, please…’_

 

* * *

 

By the time Daryl had roused himself, the moisture from the grass and the rain still falling had combined to soak him to the skin.  The water ran in rivulets down the shoulders of his leather vest as he heaved the bike up, stumbling to his feet and wincing at the pain in his joints, twisting his arm round to inspect the graze that ran from his wrist to his elbow.  He wasn’t sure if he’d slept – everything was a little fuzzy – and when he raised his fingers to probe tentatively at the side of his head, they came away bloody.  Cursing, he wheeled the bike back onto the road, turning it in the direction of home, and slung his leg over, taking a moment to balance himself before he started it up, the world tilting alarmingly as it lurched forwards.  It was going to be a long ride.

 

* * *

_‘D, you awake?’  Y/N’s whisper dragged his eyes open, and he groaned into her neck, shifting nearer to her warm body as she laughed softly.  ‘I’ll take that as a yes.  Come and explore with me?’_

_‘I ain’t sure that’s a good idea,’ he grunted, but she was already easing herself away from him so that she could climb to her feet, her eyes flashing with excitement, and he had no choice but to follow._

_As they stepped outside into the cool dawn air, Daryl took a deep breath, taking a minute to stretch out his cramped muscles, wincing as his joints cracked, before turning to her and leaning down to brush his lips against hers, deepening the kiss when she pushed herself up on tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in closer, as she smiled against his lips._

_‘Good morning,’ she greeted him properly when he finally broke away, and he smirked, reaching out to tuck her hair behind her ear._

_‘It is now.  I still ain’t sure we should be wanderin’ off alone though.  E’ryone’ll be up soon ‘n’ we can check things out together.’_

_‘I didn’t intend to go far,’ she reassured him, lacing her fingers through his and tugging him down the porch steps and along the street to the next house, the other one of the two that had been allocated to the group on their arrival at the Safe Zone.  They’d chosen to stick together the first night, sleeping huddled on the floor of the living room for safety and comfort, so the place that Y/N was now letting herself into was empty._

_He watched as she moved from room to room, her mouth dropping open in awe at the normality of it all.  The two of them had been seesawing between optimism and cynicism about Alexandria, taking it turns to reassure the other that this was the place for them, and it seemed that his girl had woken up determined to make the best of their new situation.  He had to admit, there was something homely about the place, but it still made his skin itch, being enclosed in this suburban fantasy.  He just couldn’t settle._

_‘Come on,’ Y/N called to him as she headed for the stairs, pulling him from his thoughts as he followed her up, watching the tantalising swing of her hips as she moved, his mind wandering.  The upstairs corridor was lined with rooms which he guessed were bedrooms, and suddenly he knew exactly where this was headed: the eager kiss, the exaggerated walk, the finger she was now beckoning him with.  ‘They have beds, D!  Actual bed!’_

_She shrieked with laughter as he came up behind her, throwing her over his shoulder and bringing his hand down on her ass with a resounding thwack.  He kicked the door shut behind him as he carried her into the room, before laying her down on the mattress, smirking as she bounced against the springs._

_‘Ya know what beds are for, right?’_

_‘Sleeping,’ she teased, grinning up at him, all big Bambi eyes and innocence._

_‘Oh girl, don’t gimme that!  Y’know ya didn’t bring me up here t’ sleep!’  He crawled over her, and her whimpers of impatience told him he’d been right._

_‘Do you remember the last time we were actually alone like this?’ she breathed, as he pressed hungry kisses to her skin, leaving a trail of red marks as he moved down her body._

_‘The prison,’ he rasped, glancing up to meet her eyes, before sitting back on his haunches to pull his shirt up and over his head.  Every time since that first night they’d spent together it’d had to be rushed and quiet, sneaking away to steal moments of solitude whilst the rest of the group slept.  To have her spread out before him, waiting and watching for his next move, drove him crazy but he intended to make the most of this._

_‘Daryl, please,’ she urged him, reaching for him, but he pulled away and continued to study her, his eyes roaming over her trembling frame as his tongue snaked out to wet his bottom lip._

_‘What’s the hurry, darlin’?  I’mma take my time over this.’_

 

* * *

 

He couldn’t be more than a few miles from home, Daryl thought, as he pushed the motorcycle along the road, groaning at the effort and the increasing pain in his arm.  He’d given up on riding about an hour ago, when the road had started to sway from side to side, and he knew his head injury was gonna run him off into the bushes again if he wasn’t careful.  Even now, his vision was blurry, but his survival instincts had kicked in and he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other, needing to get to the safety of Alexandria’s fences before he could let himself collapse.  Sweat trickled down his spine, and for a brief moment he thought he heard voices, but he decided he must be delirious.  He’d tried to use his water to clean off his wounds, but now he was thirsty, his throat dry and rough every time he swallowed.   _Just keep going_ , he told himself.   _Get your ass home_.  Even if she wasn’t going to be there, he had to stay alive for her.  What if she needed him?

And then a gunshot rang out from the treeline, and he dropped.


	38. Chapter 38

You sat on the porch steps with your bag beside you, packed full of all your belongings.  You’d snuck a couple of Daryl’s shirts in there too, unable to go without some part of him to hold on to.  You knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep properly without his scent surrounding you, and so you told yourself that they counted as a necessity, even though you knew they were likely to make your heart ache as you lay alone in the dark.  You’d thought that he might come and say goodbye, but you realised that that had been naïve.  He hated the decision that you’d come to, and he wasn’t going to stand there and watch you walk away, pretending that it was all okay.  Probably for the best, as you weren’t sure you’d have the strength to do what you needed to if you had to watch his heart break again.  How could you live with yourself if you caused him any more pain?

You heard pounding footsteps making their way along the street, and looked up to see Rosita coming to a halt in front of the house next door, bent double and panting hard with her hands on her knees.  Since the war ended, she’d been splitting her time between Alexandria and the Sanctuary, and you knew she felt that she had to keep her strength up to command the respect of the Saviors that she now had some sort of authority over.  He may be an evil son of a bitch, but Negan was a tough leader to replace.  You’d always found the woman to be cold and hard to talk to though, so maybe she was already halfway there.  You hadn’t seen her much since you’d got back, so it surprised you when she gave you a tight smile and made her way over.

‘What are you doing out here?’ she asked, dropping down beside you and pulling the bottom of her tank top up to dab away the beads of sweat that had formed on her forehead.  You saw her gaze flicker over your bulging backpack but she didn’t comment immediately.

‘Just waiting for it to get a little lighter.  How was your run?’

‘Yeah, it was good,’ she nodded, stretching her arms out.  ‘There’s so much more space here than at that old factory.  It’s nice to actually see some green, y’know.’

‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’

‘I guess you spent a lot of time staring at those concrete walls, huh?’

‘Too much time,’ you agreed.  ‘Honestly, I can’t imagine anything worse than going back to that place.’

‘It’s not so bad.  We’re doing a lot of work over there, making a lot of changes.  Those guys are used to working their asses to the bone, so things are moving pretty quick.’  She glanced over at your bag again, and this time couldn’t hold back her curiosity.  ‘You going somewhere?’

‘The Hilltop,’ you confessed.  ‘I’m kinda done with this place.  I’m gonna go and stay with Maggie, help her out now she’s almost due.’

‘What about Daryl?  He going with you?’

‘No.’

She sighed, and you tried to ignore the frustration that flashed across her face.  ‘What’s going on with you guys, Y/N?  We all thought you were in it for the long-haul.’

‘So did I.’  You ran your fingers through your hair and tried to keep the emotion from your voice.  ‘But things change, right?  People change.  All we seem to be doing these days is making each other miserable.’

‘So, that’s it?  You’re just gonna leave him?’

‘No.  I’m not leaving him, I’m just… leaving.  I think we both need a little space to… I don’t even know anymore, really.  I just can’t stand fighting all the time.  It’s too hard.’

She sighed again, and you dropped your eyes to the ground, digging your nail absentmindedly into one of the grooves in the wood of the step beneath you.  ‘Look, I know we’re not really friends, Y/N, but I gotta throw my two cents in here, and if you wanna ignore it, that’s your call, okay?’

You inclined your head slightly to give her permission to continue, knowing she was likely to anyway, and waited to hear what advice she was about to impart.

‘You love Daryl, right?  I mean love as in he’s all you think about, all you can see, all you want for the rest of your life.  Like, he’s your oxygen type love.’

‘I do.’

‘And you’re about to throw that all away because you’re tired of arguing?  Don’t you see how ridiculous that is?’

‘Rosita, it’s not that easy.’

‘No?  Okay, I’ll tell you something.  I loved Abraham like that.  I thought he was my forever, but he didn’t love me back, and he ditched me in a second as soon as something better came along.  Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have found love like that and have it returned?  Especially with the world the way it is now!  It’s like winning the damn lottery, Y/N!’

You remained silent, letting her vent, knowing that her words were fuelled by pain and grief.

‘God, if Abe was here today, and he actually loved me the way Daryl loves you, I would be holding on to that with both hands.  It’s rare and it’s special, but it is so damn fragile, and if you leave you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.  You and Daryl are perfect for each other!  I can’t imagine either one of you with anyone else.  You make each other better.’

‘We did, I know that, but I’m not so sure we do anymore.  All we do is hurt each other, and I hate it.’

‘Fine.’  She levered herself up, and stood over you, shaking her head as you fought back tears.  ‘But to me it sounds like you’re scared.  Scared to try, scared to go through whatever it is the two of you need to go through to fix things.  And if that’s the real reason that you’re going, then you’re an idiot.  You’re both idiots.’

‘Fuck you,’ you snarled, but she was already turning her back on you and walking away.  You let out a breath that you felt you’d been holding since she’d launched in to her speech.  The doubts that had been whispers inside your head were now desperate screams, and you pressed the heels of your hands to your ears to try and block out the noise, but it only intensified.  If you were gonna go, you had to go now or you’d never leave, and then nothing would change, and you’d step straight back into the cycle of pent-up rage and pointed silences. You couldn’t do that.

Pushing yourself to your feet, you shouldered your bag, and checked that you had your gun and knife within easy reach, tucked into your belt, and a stash of bullets too.  Then you thudded down the steps and along the street, not looking back at the little house that had seen the gradual demise of the only relationship you’d ever truly cared about.  If you closed your eyes, you could picture Daryl stretched out on the couch, skin stained and dirty from a long day out on the road, or sitting at the dinner table, greedily shoving food into his mouth, his eyes full of appreciation for the much-needed sustenance.  You could feel him moving above you in your bed, his hands roaming over you as his scruff scratched against your cheeks, claiming you as his own, losing himself in you and letting the world drift away for a little while.  You could hear him humming to himself in the shower, feel the cold wood of the door against your skin as you pushed your ear against it, trying to figure out which song it was he had stuck in his head, too anxious to go in and ask him, unsure of the response you’d get.  Two lives that had entwined so easily, slowly losing their way and taking different paths.

As you approached the gate, you heard Rick’s easy drawl from behind you, and turned to find him studying you through narrowed eyes, a lone key dangling from his fingers.

‘You’re really going, huh?’

‘I have to, Rick.’

‘You don’t, and I think you know that.  But if you’re set on it, then I’ll drive you.’

‘It’s fine,’ you snapped, tired of everybody questioning you now, well aware that they all thought you were making the wrong choice.  ‘I don’t need any favours from you.’

‘It isn’t a favour,’ he explained, climbing in to the driver’s side of the nearest truck, and slotting the key into the ignition.  ‘I need to talk to Maggie anyway, so get in.’

For a moment, you considered arguing, but the thought of the long walk in the heat that was already building as the sun climbed wasn’t a pleasant one, so you swung your bag into the footwell of the passenger seat before clambering up and settling yourself, tapping your fingers against the dash impatiently, keen to get going.  

As the truck pulled out of the gates, you couldn’t help but ask the sheriff the question that had been nagging at you.  ‘Have you seen him?  Is he okay?’

‘I haven’t,’ Rick replied, casting a quick glance at you from the corner of his eye.  ‘I was told he took off on his bike before first light.’

‘He went out alone in the dark?’  You couldn’t fight the fear that crept over you at the thought of the archer reckless and vulnerable as he tore along the country roads.  ‘Whoever was on guard duty should’ve stopped him.’

‘If I know Daryl I’d say he wasn’t in the mood to listen to anyone who might stand in his way.’

You sighed and leant your head against the cool glass, trying to ease the headache that was building behind your eyes.  ‘He’s a fool.’

‘That makes you both pretty well suited if you ask me.’  You let the pointed comment slide, squeezing your eyes shut, hoping Rick would eventually think that you’d drifted off, not wanting to hear any more of his passive aggressive jibes.  You could feel the disapproval rolling off of him in waves, and it caused your fists to clench as your whole body tensed.  What right did he or anyone have to judge you after how they’d treated you?  Could they not see that they were half the reason you were leaving?  It would be one thing to just be fighting with Daryl, but having no one else in the community that you could turn to made your situation unbearable.  

Silence fell between you as the truck continued on, and both you and Rick were too caught up in your own thoughts, focused solely on ignoring the other, to notice the scraped-up motorcycle lying on its side a few miles down the road, half-covered by branches, or the blood that darkened the tarmac, wet and fresh, trailing down to the verge where it splattered over the long grasses before disappearing into the forest.

You held it together for just as long as it took for you to reach the rural community, set in the middle of picturesque countryside, and stumble into Maggie’s arms, and then you broke down and cried.


	39. Chapter 39

Daryl was vaguely aware of being moved.  It wasn’t the sensation of movement as such, he was too far gone to register that, but the agony that spasmed through his body at every bump and jolt in the journey. He could feel his shirt sticking to him, itching where the fabric clung to the downy hair that trailed over his stomach, and at first he thought it was sweat.  He was hot, burning up, and he could feel sunlight dancing over his face. But it was too thick for sweat, too sticky.  Blood. Was he bleeding?  Why was he bleeding?  Was he hurt?  He remembered coming off his bike, skidding off the road and scraping up his arm, smacking his head against the ground.  He remembered laying there as the rain soaked through his clothing, and the way the world had spun when he’d eventually clambered to his feet and turned for home.  But this wasn’t that.  He knew it somehow yet he couldn’t figure out how or why.  Everything in his head was fuzzy and vague.  Had he made it home?  Had something happened to Alexandria?  But there were no screams, no shouts.  Just hushed whispers that he couldn’t make out, and the rustle of leaf litter underfoot.  As his awareness began to grow, he felt fingers biting into his biceps, hauling him along, and felt his legs scraping along the ground, bouncing over roots and rocks, a bruising ache in his lower back as though he’d been carried this way for a while.  

_Y/N._

She was his first fully conscious thought and his eyes flew open, staring wildly round for her, desperate to ensure her safety, before he remembered that he’d been alone.  She’d left him.  Instead of finding her eyes on him, instead he was looking at the barrel of a rifle, trained steadily on his already weak and broken body, as its wielder followed close behind those supporting his weight.  He saw the gunman’s eyes widen, before his finger flinched on the trigger, but instead of letting loose another shot, he shouted.

‘He’s awake!’

In the time it took for Daryl to blink woozily, another figure had appeared at the gunman’s side, an older man who squinted down at the archer, assessing him before giving a small nod.  ‘Just about. No matter, we’ll be back at the camp soon.’

Despite his blurry vision and confusion at the situation he found himself in, Daryl’s thoughts were coherent now, and he knew that he did not want to go to their camp, wherever it was. It could only mean bad things for him so he kicked out, trying to fight his way free of the grasp that held him firmly, propelling him along, hooking his foot under a raised tree root in an effort to halt their progression.  If they’d just stop, maybe he could find purchase on the ground beneath him and take off.  He knew it wasn’t likely he’d get far – he was now painfully aware of the wound still oozing blood just above his waistband – but he had to try.  Even if he could hide, it would be better than nothing. He’d just have to bide his time until he could sneak away.

The hands under his arms gave a harsh tug, a loud grunt of frustration sounding when the archer didn’t shift, and then more fingers grasped a hold, and he was yanked sharply backwards, his ankle giving way with a loud crack as he came free of the root, sending yet more pain shooting through him.   _Shit_.  He’d felt the bones shift sickeningly.  Broken.  _Good going, Daryl_.

‘We’ve got a tough one here, boys,’ the older man announced, looking down at the him with a mix of admiration and disdain.  ‘Keep a tight hold.  Not much further.’

The next movement pulled on his wound and sent his broken ankle glancing off an exposed rock in the forest floor, and it didn’t matter how much further it was after that, as everything went black.

 

* * *

 

Stillness.

Coarse rope coiled around his wrists.

A large wooden cross standing proud between the trees.

These were the first things Daryl noticed when he finally managed to drag himself back to consciousness. He was on his side, hands bound tightly, amongst a few dilapidated tents that crowded around a small fire.  A chill ran through him as he stared at the blood crusted wood that towered over him at the head of the camp, and he knew straight away whose hands his life now lay in.  

A figure moved into his line of sight and a sharp kick to his stomach made him retch, the pain excruciating as a steel toe-capped boot caught the edge of his wound, causing a rush of blood to weep into his already saturated shirt.  He remembered now, the sound of the gunshot and the piercing pain.  It was all coming back.  He hadn’t been far from home.

‘Now, come on, Dwayne,’ a familiar voice admonished his attacker, and the older man he’d seen before stepped into view.  ‘Don’t kick a man when he’s down.’

‘He’s one of them!  He deserves everything he gets!’

‘Maybe so, but his presence here has a purpose.  It isn’t time yet.’

‘I ain’t no use t’ you people,’ Daryl spoke up, unable to keep the venom from his voice as he glowered up at those standing over him.  ‘I’ve killed.  Ya can’t string me up ‘n’ expect the Lord t’ forgive ya for yer sins.  I got too many of my own.’

‘Leave us, Dwayne,’ the old boy commanded, waving his comrade away with a flick of his hand before kneeling to address the archer on his own level.  ‘You know who we are then?  I did wonder if you’d put the pieces together.  I’m Father Joseph, but most people round here call me Old Father Joe.  I take it as a compliment, even if I do find the old part a little degrading.’

‘Thought we’d killed all o’ ya.’

‘I suspected that would be the case.  See, I could see that we’d picked a battle we weren’t going to win, so I retreated, grabbed a few of our men and implored them to follow.  I couldn’t let the Congregation be wiped out.  We’ve worked too hard to be taken down in one fell swoop.  I had to ensure that there would be survivors.’

‘Ain’t many by the looks of it.’

‘No, there’s just the five of us now,’ the preacher admitted, hanging his head in genuine sorrow and grief.  ‘So many lives lost within your fences.  So many good people cut down in their quest to seek redemption.’

‘Redemption?’  Daryl spat the word as though it tasted bad in his mouth.  ‘Ya attacked us.  Ya tried to take our women, our kids.’

‘Only they are righteous enough to offer up to the Lord.  Not exclusively, of course, but, as a general rule, they are the innocent ones.’

‘Yer a twisted son of a bitch, ain’t ya?’

‘Just because you don’t understand the teachings we’re trying to adhere to-‘

‘Don’t give me none o’ that shit.  Y’ain’t no better than the rest of us.  Ya still think there’s a God up there listenin’?  He turned his back on e’ryone down here a long time ago.’

The priest sighed and shook his head, looking at Daryl with pity in his eyes.  ‘Something tells me you’ve never had the faith necessary to guarantee your seat in the kingdom.’

‘Too right, I ain’t. The good Lord ain’t never done a damn thing for me.’

‘Evidently.’  The old man’s gaze roamed from the archer’s bound wrists to the bloodied shirt that was still wet with the thick, congealing fluid. ‘Still, to go back to your original comment, I knew that you would be of no use to us as a sacrifice.  That wasn’t our motivation in bringing you here. You’re here merely as… Is bait too callous a term?’

Daryl jerked against his restraints as anger surged through him.  He should have known.  They wanted Y/N.  Even after everything they were still out to get her.  ‘She ain’t no use to ya no more, ya prick.  She killed enough of yer people when ya attacked Alexandria.  She’s just like the rest of us now.’

‘Maybe, but it really isn’t about that anymore, not with her.’  A cruel smile twisted up the corners of Joe’s mouth, his eyes filled with cold amusement.  ‘I’m not going to pretend this is something it isn’t, some noble quest.  This is about revenge now.  A whole community nearly wiped out because of one girl’s actions.  She has to be made to pay, to reap the consequences of her sins.’

‘She ain’t done a damn thing she’s gotta pay for,’ Daryl snarled, forgetting himself for a moment and trying to lunge for the preacher, groaning as he wrenched his stomach and the pain silenced him for a moment.  When he spoke again, his voice was a desperate rasp.  ‘Ya brought it all on yer damn selves.  ‘N’ I swear, if ya lay one finger on her, I’mma kill every single one of ya.’

A chuckle rumbled from the other man’s chest.  ‘Oh, I don’t think you’re in any position to be making threats, do you?  Look at you.  You’re tied up, bleeding profusely, and I’m pretty sure that ankle’s broken. There is absolutely nothing you can do except lie there and wait for death.  Maybe I’ll let you kill her once you’ve developed the hunger for flesh.  It’ll save us darkening our souls any further without need.

‘She won’t come.’  A smirk flashed across Daryl’s face as he realised that it was true.  She wouldn’t even know he was missing.  ‘She left me.  She don’t give a fuck ‘bout me anymore, so this lil’ plan of yers ain’t gonna work.’

‘Oh, I have faith that it will.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.’

 

* * *

 

Daryl wasn’t sure how long he’d been laying there, slipping in and out of consciousness as his wound continued to bleed.  It had slowed, he was sure of it, but he could still feel himself being drained, and knew that without medical intervention it was just a matter of time.  In his more coherent moments, he studied the men and the camp, watching their interactions and movements, subtly fighting against the ropes that circled his wrists, wriggling his hands to try and loosen them off, and succeeding in gaining enough slack to release the pressure on his circulation, his numb fingers tingling as the blood trickled back into them.  Five men.  That was what the Congregation had been reduced to.  He could take five men when he was at full strength, but not right now.  He couldn’t fight with no weapons and a bullet embedded somewhere beneath his flesh, and he couldn’t run with a broken ankle.  

His only comfort was that he was certain that Y/N wouldn’t come.  She was long gone.  He wasn’t even sure she’d care if she knew the predicament he currently found himself in.  She’d walked away.  He’d driven her to it he knew, and a part of him was glad now.  It meant she was safe.

As darkness fell, the camp became still, one solitary guard watching over the archer.  It grated that they thought that was all it would take to keep him there, and yet the fact that he wasn’t even attempting to escape proved that they were right.  He had no fight left in him.  He was just so tired.

 

* * *

 

Your face was puffy, your eyes red and sore where you’d been scrubbing at them, trying desperately to fight the tears that just kept coming.  You hadn’t cried this hard since the day you’d been told that Daryl was dead, and the grief you felt now was the same.  He wasn’t dead but he wasn’t with you either.  He was far away, out of sight, out of reach, lost to you completely.  It was a foreign feeling and you hated it.  You’d been so blissfully happy when you’d found him alive in the forest.  It had felt like a dream, like you’d died and gone to Heaven, and you’d clung to him like he was your life support, but it had all gone horribly wrong after that.  Was it the trauma?  Was it that you had both changed beyond recognition? Was it just that you didn’t know how to love each other anymore?  You couldn’t answer any of your own questions.

Maggie had tried to comfort you, wrapping you up in her arms as best she could with her swollen stomach in between you and shepherding you into the big house, finding you a room and leaving you to get settled and clean yourself up, but it was more than you could stand.  A room that was just yours was unthinkable.  A double bed with no snoring, scruffy-haired redneck beside you.  An existence without Daryl.  

It hadn’t hit you until you’d walked through the Hilltop’s big wooden gates what it had meant to leave Alexandria.  You’d told the archer that you weren’t leaving him, that you just needed space, but you’d both known that it wasn’t true.  You were scared by what he’d become during the war, and terrified of the rage he brought out in you.  You were sick of the fights and the lies, but most of all you were hurt at the way he’d doubted you, believing you’d slept with the enemy.  But nothing had hurt like this.  Missing him was like a jagged knife in your heart, twisting and ripping, shredding the vital organ into nothing.  Your fingers clawed at your chest as you lay trembling on the bed, as though you could reach into your ribcage and rip out the pain, remove the responsible bloody mass and throw it away, leaving you numb and cold, but you couldn’t.  Your need for Daryl burnt in your veins like fire, and the fear that you’d given up something you’d never find again was suffocating.  What had you done?

You didn’t leave your room that night, emerging in the morning, blinking dazedly at the bright sunlight and shuffling in to the main dining room for breakfast, though you weren’t hungry.  Maggie was already sitting there, reading through a list of some kind, but you were surprised to see Rick seated at her side, expecting him to have returned to Alexandria the previous day.

‘Morning,’ Maggie greeted you as you slumped into a chair at the other end of the table, responding only with a groan.  ‘Well, don’t you look pretty?’

You glared at her, catching the look she exchanged with Rick at the sight of your misery.

‘You want breakfast?’ Rick asked, proffering a bowl of fruit, but you shook your head, unable to even think about food without feeling slightly queasy.  

Maggie took a deep breath, placing both hands flat on the table as though girding herself for something. ‘Okay, Y/N, I’m gonna say something that I don’t think you’re gonna like, but I’m your best friend so I’m the only one that can actually tell you this, and you’ve just gotta listen, okay?’

When you didn’t respond, she took that as permission to continue, and you saw her look to Rick again for support.  ‘You’re making a massive mistake here, sweetie.  It’s not that I don’t want you here, or that I’m not happy to have you, but look at you!  You’re a mess!  It’s only been one night and you’re falling to pieces!  I heard you crying at stupid o’clock this morning, and I can tell you haven’t slept.  Why are you doing this to yourself?  To prove a point?  You love Daryl and he loves you, and you still have each other.  Do you have any idea how lucky that makes you?’

It was the same thing that Rosita had said to you just yesterday, but coming from Maggie it hit you harder. You knew she’d had a love like yours and Daryl’s, that she’d thought she’d found her forever only to have it cruelly snatched away by Negan.  What must she think of you for leaving it behind?

‘If Glenn were here, he’d knock your damn heads together and tell you to sort things out.  You’re good people, both of you, and maybe the war made you both lose your way a little, but that doesn’t mean it has to be over, Y/N.  You’ve still got a whole lot of tomorrows which means you still have time to fix things!’

‘I can’t fight with him anymore, Mags,’ you sniffed, trying to hold back the fresh flood of tears that were fighting to escape.  You didn’t know how you had any moisture left in your body but it seemed that you did.

‘So, don’t fight.  Talk.  Work together.  Get through this.  I remember the night you two finally got it together, how happy you were!  I don’t think I’d ever seen you smile like that before!  And I know I definitely hadn’t seem him looking so damn pleased with himself.   You’ve both been through so much, and you deserve to be happy, but you’re not gonna find that happiness here.  If you’re honest with yourself, you know that!  I know he hurt you, Y/N, and I’m sorry. We all doubted you and there’s no excuse for that.  But if you think there’s the slightest chance that you can actually forgive him, for everything, then you need to turn your ass around and get yourself back to Alexandria right now, because otherwise you’re throwing away something amazing, and I can’t let you do it.’

Your mind was reeling as you processed her words, and you realised that she was right.  Of course she was right, just as Rick had been, and Rosita.  You were running scared.  You and Daryl shouldn’t be fighting against each other, you should be fighting to stay together.  How the hell had you just turned your back on everything you’d had?  What had you been thinking?  So many people that you knew had lost someone they loved: Rosita and Abe, Maggie and Glenn, Rick and Lori, Aaron and Eric.  Your person was still alive and still wanted you, and you were furious with yourself in that moment for walking away.  He was your future.  It was never going to be easy, relationships weren’t, but Maggie was right.  Just the very fact that you were so miserable without him, that you’d laid awake all night sobbing into one of his shirts was proof enough that you weren’t ready to let go.  You couldn’t just throw this away.

‘Rick,’ you turned to the sheriff with panic in your eyes and he gave you a kind smile.  

‘Grab your things.  I’ll take you home.’

It didn’t take long. The only thing you’d unpacked was that shirt of Daryl’s which you now stuffed hastily away, the collar still damp as you tucked it back into the bottom of your bag.  And then you were flying down the stairs, pausing only to wrap your arms around Maggie and thank her, before throwing yourself into the truck and huffing impatiently at Rick as he fumbled with the keys.  Now that you’d decided to return home, you were desperate to see the archer, to fall into his arms and let his love and his touch heal you in the all the ways that only he could do.  You needed him.  How could you have ever thought that you could build a life that wasn’t completely centred around him when he’d been the most important thing you’d had for so long?  It wasn’t possible.  He was a vital to your survival as your own heart, and you needed to see him, to tell him.

The truck rolled slowly out of the gates, before picking up speed as Rick drove you back to the Safe Zone.  Whereas before the atmosphere had been tense and hostile, now it thick with urgency.  You tried to distract yourself as he navigated the narrow roads, studying the treeline, finding peace in the long grasses and flowers that bloomed there, standing proud in the morning sun.

You were only a few miles out when you screamed at Rick to stop, causing him to slam on the brakes so hard that your body lurched forward against the dash with bruising force.

‘What?  What is it?’  He was looking wildly round for signs of danger, but you were already sliding from the vehicle, dashing across the road to the pile of branches that looked out of place, pushing them aside to reveal the bike, the metal of its handlebars glinting in the light, the same flash that had caught your attention.

‘Daryl’s bike,’ you murmured, running your hands over the frame as Rick peered into the gloom of the forest, looking for signs of the archer.

‘He’s probably out hunting,’ he reassured you.  ‘You’ll never find him if he’s tracking something.  Better to head back and catch up with him at home.’

But your fingers had found the tacky substance that coated the saddle, and panic washed over you as you raised your hand for the sheriff to see, his brow creasing in concern as his gaze roamed over the ground, noticing for the first time the patches of blood that trailed into the wood, dark and thick.  

‘He’s hurt, Rick.  Oh my God, what if he’s-‘

‘Don’t.’  He was pulling his Python from its holster, motioning for you to keep behind him as he started into the woods.  ‘We’ll find him, okay?’

You could only nod, as the iron bands tightened across your chest, fighting to find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other as you shadowed your leader.

‘Daryl, where are you?’


	40. Chapter 40

Daryl wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t anymore.  He was slipping in and out of consciousness, dreams and hallucinations merging and becoming one, messing with his mind, the pain less now though the blood continued to ooze from his body.  His mouth was dry and parched, his stomach churning, and he knew that if the blood loss didn’t kill him soon, the dehydration would.  He wasn’t afraid.  Fear had come and gone.  He was resigned to his fate, favouring death over becoming the bait that would bring his girl to these monsters.  He kept seeing her, leaning over him, running her hands over his face, her fingers dancing across his lips, as she watched his life slowly ebbing away.  He took comfort in her touch, revelling in the affection in her eyes, something he hadn’t seen for too long.  Then he’d blink, and she’d be gone, only to return a few moments later, shimmering in and out of existence like a ghost.

He could sense movement around him, camp life going on as usual, the inhabitants not paying him any mind as they went about their business.  He wasn’t even sure he was being guarded anymore, too weak for them to bother sparing the manpower to keep an eye on him.  He could hear voices but he couldn’t make out what they were saying, didn’t bother to use his waning energy to strain his ears, knowing it was of no benefit to him to listen in to their conversations.  There were only five of them left.  No matter what they were planning, they’d die out eventually, their archaic practices and ritualistic torture becoming extinct.  It was just a matter of time now. Alexandria may not have got the job finished, but one of these days another community would.

His brain was flooded with regrets, every single one of them concerning Y/N.  He felt like he’d let her down in so many ways and now he was never going to get the chance to make it right.  If only he hadn’t thrown himself at Negan that night in the clearing, if he hadn’t landed that punch.  Maybe then Glenn would be alive, maybe he wouldn’t have seen fit to take the archer as his prisoner, and then Y/N in his place when he escaped.  Maybe she’d have been able to help him keep a hold of himself as the battles raged, and maybe he’d have been able to keep her safe.  If only he hadn’t been stupid enough to believe the words of an embittered, beaten Savior.  If only he’d talked to her about the worries in his head.

He remembered so clearly being reunited with her after they’d escaped Terminus.  He’d given her the ring he’d made for her, but scoffed at the idea of marriage, just wanting something to show that she belonged to him.  If he had the chance now, he’d marry her tomorrow.  He wanted to be hers, for her to be his. Hell, he wanted it all with her now that he knew he’d never have it.  The wedding, the vows, the babies that might follow.  He’d always had this nagging doubt in his head that he’d end up like his Dad, that he shouldn’t let himself have any of those things in case he messed it all up, messed his kids up like his father had done to him, but with Y/N he just knew that wouldn’t happen.  They’d make it work.  They should have made it work.

His thoughts were so fixated on her, that when he heard her voice screaming his name, he half-expected to see her leaning over him again, brushing the hair back out of his face and giving him a soft smile.  But then the earth around him exploded in a shower of bullets and he was forced to curl himself up into a ball to shelter himself from the dirt that flew up and settled back over him as chaos broke out in the camp.  He lifted his head to try and see her, determined to figure out whether it was his imagination or whether she was really there fighting for him, but all he could see was dust and the sparks of gunfire, and then a strong arm was wrapping around his neck and hauling him upright, supporting his weight as icy cold metal pressed against his throat, a groan escaping him as the movement put pressure on his broken ankle.  He couldn’t tell who had him, couldn’t tell what was going on at all.  The noise was deafening, overwhelming, and as the grip that held him tightened, the world began to spin.

 

* * *

 

You’d ignored Rick’s hushed warning for you to hold back, to let him assess the situation and get a better handle on it before rushing in, guns blazing.  As soon as you’d seen the wooden cross that stood at the head of the small camp, the broken figure of Daryl collapsed beneath it, you’d lost all control of your actions, raising your gun and letting loose a barrage of bullets before you’d even registered what was happening.  The archer’s name fell from your lips over and over as you fired, your eyes never leaving him, hoping, praying for some reaction, to see him move.  You were aware of Rick stepping up beside you, his own gun raised, taking more measured, precise shots and dropping two of the men that had emerged to defend the camp, before ducking behind a tree for cover as your shots were returned, embedding into the trunks that concealed you.  

‘He wasn’t moving, Rick,’ you cried as you fumbled to reload, unable to make out the fallen figure anymore through the clouds of dust that the bullets had stirred up.  ‘Did you see him move?’

‘I think so,’ the sheriff reassured you.  ‘He’s alive, Y/N.’

With your gun ready to go once again, you stepped out from the cover of the treeline, taking down one of the remaining men immediately with a clean headshot, leaving only one still returning fire.  Your heart skipped a beat as you saw the archer standing upright, a familiar figure behind him, one arm wrapped around Daryl’s shoulders, the other holding a long blade to his throat.  For a second, time froze.  You waited for Daryl to make a move, to do something to pull away from his captor, but he didn’t.  His body was slumped as though he was barely conscious, and every part of him seemed to be coated with blood, his eyes unfocused, his expression vacant.  A bullet grazed your arm, and you cursed yourself for not remaining alert as the pain, stinging and intense, washed over you, but you pushed it to the back of your mind, along with the tightness in your chest, single-mindedly focused on getting to Daryl.  You watched as the last man fell, Rick’s bullet tearing into his shoulder, before he strode forward and slid his knife into the enemy’s skull.  And then there was silence.

You were trapped in place, afraid to move or speak or do anything that might drive Old Father Joe to cause any more harm to the archer who was still held tightly in his grasp.  Rick had moved to your side once again, resting one hand on your arm to hold you back, his concern that you might do something reckless valid after your loss of control just moments ago.  

‘You’re alive,’ you finally managed to choke out, unable to let the silence stretch out for any longer.  ‘How the hell is that even possible?’

‘I suppose you could call it a miracle,’ the preacher gave you a sadistic smile, and you longed to raise your gun once more and put a bullet through his forehead.  ‘But I guess those without faith don’t believe in such things.’

‘What do you want from us?’ Rick interjected, feeling your body tense under his hand, ready to lunge forward and attack.

‘Honestly, I wanted you to wait a little longer before coming to the rescue,’ Joe admitted, shrugging as though the past few minutes had been a mild inconvenience.  ‘I was hoping that you’d arrive just in time for this one to rip you to pieces, but these things don’t always work out perfectly, I suppose.’

‘Daryl,’ you whimpered, but he didn’t react, his head lolling disturbingly backwards on the old man’s shoulder.  

‘Yes, he’s not long for this world, I’m afraid.’

Your body instinctively moved towards him, but Rick held you back, shaking his head when you glared at him.  ‘Let him go.  You’ve got nothing left.  Everything you worked for is gone.’

‘Because of that little bitch!’  The preacher’s words were toxic, his tone poisonous.  ‘She ruined everything and she will pay!’  

‘So, kill me!’ you growled in frustration.  ‘I’m right here!  Kill me and let Daryl go!  I won’t fight anymore, I promise!’

‘Y/N-‘ Rick warned, but you were already yanking your arm from his grasp so you could take a step across the clearing towards your man and his attacker.  

‘C’mon, Father.  Drop him and come at me.  I’m done.  Just please, don’t hurt him anymore.  Let him go.’

‘But this is about vengeance, Y/N, surely you must see that?  And what I’m getting from you right now is that you value this man’s life over your own.’

‘No, I-‘

‘So, therefore, taking this man’s life will cause you to suffer the pain I’ve suffered.  Do you know what it’s like to lose something you’ve worked so hard for?  Do you?  Something you believed in?  Because you will.’

The arm holding the blade twitched and you let out a bloodcurdling yell, bringing your gun up and taking aim, letting loose a bullet before Rick could move to stop you.  Father Joe’s shoulder flew back with the impact, but he remained standing, though his face was contorted in agony.  His grip on Daryl had loosened, and the archer dropped to the ground, crumpling in a ball at the preacher’s feet.

‘Daryl!’

Sunlight glanced off the blade as Joe lashed out with it, plunging it down into Daryl’s shoulder, piercing through the centre of one of the angel wings that adorned his vest and burying the knife up to the hilt.  

You shot again and again, bullets ripping in to the preacher as he continued to grin at you, blood bubbling up his throat and seeping out round his teeth.  One more shot and he dropped to the ground, but that wasn’t enough.  You threw yourself on top of him, drawing your own knife and stabbing it into his skull, once, twice, three times.

‘Y/N!’  Rick’s voice sounded as though it were coming from far away, but his hands were under your arms, dragging you backwards.  ‘Y/N, stop!’

You fell apart, tears streaming down your face as the knife dropped from your hand, your whole body trembling as you tried to wipe away the gore that had spattered up your arms, scraping them against the rough denim of your jeans as nausea rose up in your throat.

‘We’ve got to get him back to Alexandria.’  Rick was instructing you as he left you to inspect the archer, still laying unconscious in the dirt.  ‘He’s got a pulse but it’s weak.  We’ve got to move.’

You stumbled to your feet, choking back your sobs as you stepped forward towards Daryl, your eyes roaming over his battered, bleeding body, unable to find one part of him that didn’t seem to be hurt.  He couldn’t die.  Not like this.  You couldn’t lose him now.  

‘Y/N, come on!’

Rick was struggling to heave Daryl upright, and you fought to pull yourself together, slipping yourself under the archer’s arm to help support him, wishing you were stronger than your small frame allowed as his weight fell heavy on your shoulders.  He let out a strangled groan of pain, and you realised that he wasn’t unconscious at all, just too weak to stand or open his eyes or do anything except let out small moans and whimpers as you navigated the rough forest floor and headed for home.

‘Come on, Daryl, please,’ you begged him as Rick accelerated down the narrow country roads, the archer’s head in your lap as you sat with him in the back of the truck.  ‘Please don’t leave me.  I’m so sorry for everything, I swear.  I’m so sorry.  Just stay with me, D, you’ve got to.  I won’t ever leave again, I promise. Just, please, please be okay.’

 

* * *

 

_‘Come on, D, wake up.  It’s a beautiful day and you’re missing it.  Just wake up for me, okay?  Open those pretty blue eyes.  I love those eyes, so you have to open them for me, alright?  Please, D.’_

 

…

 

_‘Y/N, have you eaten?’_

_‘Not hungry.’_

_‘Slept?’_

_‘No.’_

_‘Y/N, it’s been days. You’ve gotta-‘_

_‘What, Rick?  Leave him.  I’m not going anywhere.  I already left him once and look what happened.  I’m staying right here.’_

 

…

 

_‘I’m not sure there’s anything more we can do for him.’_

_‘But you said he was stable!’_

_‘And he is, but he’s not showing any sign of improvement.  In cases like this, it’s not uncommon for the patient to just… let go, very quickly.  I want you to be prepared.’_

_‘No.  I’m not losing him.  He will wake up, okay?  He just will. He has to.’_

 

* * *

 

The first thing Daryl was fully aware of was the overly-clean chemical smell that always lingered in hospitals and doctors surgeries.  It brought back too many memories of having to go and get himself patched up after one of his dad’s outbursts, coming up with some excuse as to how he got in such a state.  But there was another scent too, something familiar and comforting, and a voice humming softly, an old country song that he recognised instantly.

His voice was a hoarse rasp when he spoke.  ‘That’s the song we danced to on yer birthday.’

The humming stopped, and a shadow fell across his face as she leaned over him, the sweet smell of her growing stronger and overpowering the medicinal stench of the room.  

‘Daryl?’

He forced his eyes open, just a crack at first, letting them adjust to the bright sunlight that was flooding in through the window, blinking rapidly as he struggled to focus on Y/N’s face.  God, she was beautiful.  He’d forgotten how beautiful her smile could be.  It felt like it had been a long time since he’d last seen it.

‘Water,’ he croaked, and she was there instantly with a bottle, slipping a hand behind his neck so she could lift his head up and pour the cool liquid into his mouth, letting it trickle down his throat a tiny bit at a time until it was moist enough for his voice to come more easily.

‘Ya remember?  That night at the prison?  First night I kissed ya.’

‘Of course, I remember.  God, D, you’re awake.’  She flung herself on him, her body covering his chest and making him gasp in pain, but his arms came up to wrap around her, holding her in place despite the uncomfortable pressure on his wounds.  ‘I thought… They told me…  I thought I’d lost you.’

‘I weren’t going nowhere without making things right with my girl.’

She pulled back, wiping tears from her cheeks as she bent to press a soft kiss to his chapped lips.  It was short and chaste, but it felt like coming home.

‘I’m so sorry, Daryl.  For everything, for leaving.  I only made it one night, then I came straight back, but you-‘

‘S’okay.  I’m sorry too.  I was an ass.  Ya deserved better.’

‘I don’t want better. I just want you.  The good parts, the dark parts.  I don’t care.  I want it all.’

‘I ain’t got much to give right now,’ he admitted, running his eyes over his bandaged body, which was growing increasingly painful with every waking minute.  ‘Wha’s the damage exactly?’

She held up her hand and began to tick his injuries off on her fingers.  ‘Well, gunshot wound to the lower abdomen, stab wound to your right shoulder, broken ankle, cracked rib, fractured elbow, concussion…’

‘Shit,’ he groaned.

‘It’s okay.’  She reached out to brush the hair back from his face.  ‘I’m gonna take care of you, I promise.’

‘Y’know it was them?  The Congregation.’

‘I know.  They’re gone now.’

‘They were usin’ me t’ get t’ ya.  I was so scared, Y/N.  If they’d hurt ya-‘

‘Shhh.’  She leaned down to brush her lips against his forehead.  ‘They didn’t.  It’s okay.  I’m fine.’

‘’N’ yer really stayin’ this time?’

‘I’m not going anywhere.  I was an idiot, D.  I should never have left.  It just got so hard, and I was so angry and hurt and… It all just got in the way.  But I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, so I’m gonna stay and fight for us.’

‘What if it don’t get easy again?’  He loved the words she was saying, but he couldn’t help but worry that this was just prolonging the inevitable.  He wanted to change for her, he did, but he didn’t know how long it would take to find that man she’d fallen in love with, or if it was even possible anymore.

‘Then it doesn’t.  If we argue every single damn day for the rest of our lives, then that’s just what we’ll do.  I’d rather face all the hard stuff with you than be without you.  I can’t do this without you.’

‘Ya sure that ain’t just pity talkin’?’  Daryl knew he was smirking, but his concern was real.  He’d come so close to losing her that he couldn’t quite believe that she was willing to look past his failures and love him anyway.  

‘It’s not pity,’ she reassured him.  ‘I just… I look at the people around us, and how they’ve lost the ones they loved the most, and I can’t even imagine feeling like that again.  When I thought you were dead, it was like I was a ghost.  I couldn’t feel anything.  You’re a part of me, D, a big, vital part, and I don’t want to waste any more time trying to pretend that I can exist without you by my side.’

‘Are ya gon’ be alright though?  Here, I mean.  I know I wasn’ the only reason ya left.  It was havin’ Negan close ‘n’ the way e’ryone treated ya when they thought…’  He tailed off, still ashamed of himself for doubting her.  

‘Well, we can’t go anywhere ‘til you’re all healed up anyway.’  She shrugged, though he could see the tension in her jaw as she gave him a tight smile.  ‘We’ve got some conversations to have, yeah, but not yet.  I’m not sure I can stay here, but I am sure that I need to be with you.  So, wherever we end up, whoever we end up with, it’s gonna be you and me, okay?  As long as we’ve got each other, we can get through anything.  We’ll decide together.’

‘I’d follow ya anywhere, y’know that, right?’

‘I know.’

‘God, I wanna kiss ya.’  Now that she’d quietened the voices in his head, he just wanted to lose himself in her, forget about everything that had happened and that they still had to face.

‘So, why don’t you?’

‘Can’t move that far.’

She giggled then, a genuine laugh, relaxed and sweet, and leant over him, teasing him with light butterfly kisses before his hand came up and threaded into her hair, holding her in place so he could sink into her, relishing the taste of her, the scent of her surrounding him, and the peace it brought.  

‘Marry me.’

The words fell from his lips as soon as she broke away from him, and he cursed himself for not choosing a better time or place.  

‘What?’

‘I know I said I didn’ want none of that stuff, but I wanna know yer mine, forever.  I want ya to know I’m committed t’ this.  I ain’t my old man, I’ve realised that through all e’rythin’ that’s happened, ‘n’ yer the reason that I’m better than him.  So, put that damn ring on yer other hand ‘n’ say yer gonna marry me.’

He could practically see the thoughts processing in her mind, before her shocked expression slipped one of radiant happiness.  ‘Yes. Of course, I’ll marry you.  I love you, Daryl Dixon.’

‘I love ya.  Damn, girl, I love ya so much.’

Her lips came down on his again, hard and unrelenting, her need for him driving her actions as she cupped his face in her hands, taking his breath away with deep, hungry kisses.  He could kiss her forever.

For the first time in a long time, Daryl felt like things might actually be alright, like life was giving him a break.  He wasn’t naïve enough to think that a near-death experience and a marriage proposal were actually going to solve any of their issues, but it had aligned their priorities enough that they were at least fighting on the same side.  He’d do anything for this girl whose fingers were biting into the back of his neck as she tried to pull him closer, absolutely anything.  He wasn’t sure when he’d forgotten that, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to forget again.  

At some point over the next few hours, he managed to shuffle aside in the narrow bed he was resting on to make room for her to curl up beside him, much to the doctor’s dismay, nestling against his chest, trying to avoid any of his wounds, but he wasn’t feeling any pain anymore.  She was the best painkiller he could’ve been offered, and, during an afternoon filled with lazy kisses and whispered affections, his discomfort had slowly ebbed away.  

As she turned away from him to stare out of the window at the setting sun, he heard her whisper, her voice wavering and uncertain, obviously caught up in her own head as he had been earlier.  ‘You’d really leave all this behind?  You’d really come away with me if I asked you to?’

He lifted his arm to stroke the hair back from her face, so he could see the shift of her jawline as his answer brought a smile to her lips.  ‘Course I would.  Let’s get lost together this time, alright?’


End file.
